American men and Costa Rican sex workers are reacting toward gender roles that are either changing too fast, in the case of the former, or not changing fast enough in the case of the latter. Stoller‘s study in South East Asia views the male pursuit of paid sex as a reaction against woman‘s changing roles: The picture of the client that emerges from these analysis is of men unable to cope with the changing roles of women. They are men seeking a return to a patriarchal system at best, and at worst, are men consumed with (suppressed) hostility towards women. 180
Mongers, like Jeff, confess to feel despised by American women who are perceived as too emotionally demanding and who are portrayed sometimes as ―feminists‖ and other times as ―bitches.‖ Local women as María, on the other hand, feel ill treated by macho men -- from fathers to lovers -- who do not assume their obligations and who tend to be abusive and unfaithful. Our data shows that a history of sexual violence among sex workers fosters emotional detachment. Perhaps divorce, and their former wives‘ abandonment and rejection, also play a role in the compartmentalization of the American tourist.
Prostitution becomes a theater of sorts for both the sex worker and her client. In this ―act,‖ María is being courted as a ―lady‖ and is being lavished with attention, gifts and money, something that was missing from her relationships with local men. In exchange, Jeff gets a loving and nurturing woman who is treated more as a child than an adult woman. Witling describes his relationship with sex workers in terms of education with carrots and sticks.
Women are like spoiled Ch*ldren. They are self-focused, insecure and irrational. They demand constant
attention, reassurance. And, like Ch*ldren, who ceaselessly push limits to see just how much they can get away
with from their parents, women relentlessly test men."
1. Pouting or acting bratty or bitchy when she doesn't get her way, no matter how minor.
2. Blaming you when you call her on her behavior.
The key to dealing with her is also outlined in the article. I've grown much more understanding with time (and
2 previous marriages) but I'm still enough of a hardass to hold her accountable for her actions.
1. (4)- Stand your ground at the outset. At the first inkling of a test, put your foot down, and keep it down. Tell
her that you refuse to be tested. Explain to her that if she wants to be with you, then she'll have to knock off the
childish behavior.
2. (5)- When all else fails, walk away. This is your ultimate power as a man, and the ultimate "pass" of her
tests.
Within no time she is all lovey-dovey again. She knows this ain't my first rodeo and who is in charge. She also
knows she is welcome to walk out the door whenever she doesn't like it.
180 A. Stoler, “Educating Desire in Colonial SouthEast Asia: Foucault, Freud ad imperial sexualities,” in L. Manderson and Jolly (eds) Sites of Desire , Economics of Pleasure: Sexualities in Asia and the Pacific, Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1997, p.154.
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Of course threatening to find another woman doesn't hold much weight because she can find 1000 men for any
1 woman I could get. The funny thing is she is deathly afraid that I MIGHT find a girlfriend. I hope she never
realizes how lucky I really am.181
Sex workers are not typical women, if we understand this as women who accept a double standard and traditional religious values. Prostitutes are strong and independent women who have chosen greater freedom of movement and action. This freedom of movement is not only geographical since they can journey into men‘s minds and share an erotic sexuality with them.
Carla, a sex worker from Costa Rica, tells us that she now handles her own money. “As a wife, I never knew what you could do with money, and I could never buy anything for myself because my husband would give me money drop by drop. Now, as a whore, I‟ve got my own money in the bank and I don‟t rely on some jerk to tell me what to do. When I get fed up with a man I just drop him forever. Not like my mother who had to put up with the drunk she lived with.” She says the following about her first paid sexual relationship:
The guy really knew how to please a woman. He gave me oral sex, which I’d never had before, and that was the first time I had an orgasm. But, the real pleasure was getting the $100 bill. Ever since I became a whore, I’ve learned how important money is, how to save it and how to invest in my business. Before, I had to have sex for free. Now, the guys have to pay.182
Tomasita, from Panama, agrees. ―I‘m freer as a whore than as a lady. Men think they exploit me, but I‘m the one who gets their money and leaves them without a penny. Before, I had to have sex with them if they took me out someplace. Now they have to take me drinking and dining, and on top of that they have to pay.‖ ―We dress, eat, and live better than the ladies,‖ says Georgina, ―and we have more freedom to pick our men.‖ Alba eats meat every day; before she was a hooker, she says, all she ate was
―rice and beans.‖ Emperatriz shows off her clothes; ―Now I have fine dresses, not the rags I wore when I was a servant.‖ Luisa thinks she has greater control over her sexuality; ―I get my orgasm with whichever customer I want. If there‘s one I don‘t like, I wait until the next. I can tell him what I want and when. With my boyfriend, I had to lie there looking at the ceiling until he came.‖ But with the first American client, she felt different.
The American tourist is willing to play this role of temporary and substitute father and lover. In exchange for such performance, he gets the traditional feminine performance.
Some of the stereotypes about sexual roles are questioned by the sex tourism industry. Prostitution is usually described as an institution that objectifies and uses women. Men are thought to be more physical and with a greater tendency to have sex without an emotional commitment. Women, on the other hand, are taught to engage in sex only in the context of a loving relationship.
This reality is contradicted by monger culture. American tourists are adamant about their desire to become loving and share feelings. Eljefe, for example, is aware of the gender dichotomy but nevertheless thinks that mongers are not typical males and that they embrace femininity:
The GFE supposes that emotional attachment, even if for a decidedly short period. So, by extension, those pursuing the GFE are embracing, perhaps, feminine sexual connections (I assume all are in this for the sex, 181 http://www.costaricaticas.com/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=3729
182 http://www.costaricaticas.com/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=3729
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no?). Yet everybody (well, almost) needs to be accepted, desired, loved. Oriental philosophy (or which I am no scholar) describes this phenomenon, called the yin and the yang. 183
Astroglide states that the Girlfriend Fantasy Experience (GFE) is synonymous with emotional involvement. ― If you want to get off in 15 minutes and throw them out you are not a GFE guy. If you insist in spending the full hour with them, and then beg them to stay longer, you are a GFE guy. If, when they are finished, you send them back alone, you are not a GFE guy. But if you insist on walking them back...or even asking them out again...You are looking for a GFE. If you want to spend time with them, get in their head, take them out of the gulch and maybe even spend money on them, you are looking for a GFE.‖ 184 In their wish for emotional relationships, mongers think they are different from those ―Tico bangers who want to get their rocks off in the shortest time possible and leave‘ em.
They really grow up thinking sex is a 15 minute experience.‖ 185
Mongers spend time in buying perfumes, flowers and chocolates. They also use scents and candles to enliven the sexual relationship. They seem to be the ones responsible for seducing cold and materialistic women, who only want to use and exploit them. Astroglide provides the following advice on love-making: ―Lesson #1: Teach them how to have sex your way. Spend time with them. Play the Magic CD. Light the candles. Lesson #2: Control the environment. Never let them watch TV. YOU set the mood and the atmosphere. That‘s why the candles and the CD are great ideas. It allows you to create a romantic mood, instead of just a banging and leave‘ em experience.‖ 186
Despite their lack of command of the Spanish language, they want to talk and share their emotions and thoughts with others. They want the women to be in touch with their feelings and hidden thoughts.
Astroglide summarizes in the next rules of his love-making proposal: ―Lesson #3: Get inside their heads. Show them that you care. Ask them about their families and the K*ds. Let them tell you about their hijos. Let them relax. Let them see you as a real person, and you must see them as the same. Show them respect and treat them like little princesses. They will respond in kind.‖ 187
Contrary to the expectation that men only think of sex, some mongers feel so emotional that they forego sex for cuddling and touching since they only want to feel close to a woman: ―I do like sex –
says Coyote- but recently, I have had nights where I was even with a girl and just relaxed with no sex.‖188
They also share their feelings with other men. Mongers repeatedly state that one of the reasons they love Costa Rica is because they can be with other fellow mongers and enjoy their company. A monger admits one of the perks of a Costa Rican vacation is to meet also men: ― One big reason is the guys I've met and become friends with through CRT.‖189 They establish friendships that last for many years and they miss each other when one monger disappears from the Forums: ―On June 23rd, after 789 posts, 183http://www.costaricaticas.com/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=82&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=sending+money&st art=30
184 http://www.costaricaticas.com/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=82&highlight=sending+money 185 http://www.costaricaticas.com/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=82&highlight=sending+money 186 http://www.costaricaticas.com/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=82&highlight=sending+money 187 http://www.costaricaticas.com/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=82&highlight=sending+money 188 http://www.costaricaticas.com/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=3969
189 http://www.costaricaticas.com/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=3969
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CostaKid seemed to fall off the face of the earth. At least that is the last post I could find. I realize that people come and go here, and maybe they have to disappear with no warning...but that seems odd to me. Maybe I will find him on the beach at Jaco with a long beard, an old t-shirt and a shit eating grin on his face. Are there others that have gone into the ether without a trace?‖190
Mongers seem to feminize themselves during their Costa Rican holiday, which provides an opportunity to escape from traditional American life and masculinity. Shields191, Rojek192 and Ryan193 have alluded to medieval periods of disorder when discussing holidays. During such time breaks, settled order was set aside, the jester became king and hierarchies were challenged, albeit within a temporary framework.‖ The same is enacted in modern times as sex tourists let themselves be what they do not allow themselves to be at home.
This disorder might be thought as rather positive since it is an opportunity to explore alternative behaviors and friendships with both men and women. Nevertheless, it might become rather troublesome for HIV prevention since passivity, willingness to please others and emotionality might lead
to
taking
risks.
190 http://www.costaricaticas.com/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=4191
191 R. Shields, Places on the Margin: Alternative Geographies of Modernity, London: Routledge, 1991.
192 C. Rojek, Ways of Escape: Modern Transformations in Leisure and Travel, London: MacMillan, 1993.
193 C. Ryan, The Tourist Experience: A New Introduction, London: Cassel, 1997.
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10.