Beth’s reaction to Emma’s puffy, red eyes, happened as soon as Emma was through the door. "My god Sis, what is it?" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around her "Did Juan talk to you about the Village?" she asked with the biggest squeeze Emma could remember receiving, in a long time. "Is there something wrong up there? Will we have to wait, to move in?"
It was obvious, that Beth had no idea what was troubling Emma, for which Emma said a small prayer. "No, it’s nothing. You know me, I’ll cry over silly little things."
"Jim?" Beth asked stepping back, and Emma's heart skipped a beat. "Did he get a hold of you?"
Was that a question, or a statement? "What?” was all she could manage to say, Beth knew her better than any other person, she’d probably read her tears and knew of her dilemma even before she’d spoke. "He called an hour ago, looking for you. Did you see him?" she rephrased the question, as she went about pouring a cup of tea.
"Oh no...I mean I saw him in town – But that was this afternoon, what'd he want?" like she really thought Beth would know what Jim had up his sleeve.
"To take you to a dance," Beth answered, placing the steaming cup before her. "And from the look of your eyes, that's just what you need. After all, Em." she continued on sitting down next to her at the small table. "You shouldn't just lock yourself up here. He's right – I hadn't seen it” Beth looked down at her cup thoughtfully, "We all know you’re making a sacrifice for us, you could be in Salt Lake with your kids, and Mike—"
"He said that?"
"Well…no. Actually, he reminded me that I should say thank you, but when you came through that door." She looked up to meet Emma's eyes with tears falling across her own. "I've been so wrapped up." Catching the irritation in Emma's eyes, she changed her half-choking tone to one of defense. "Don't be mad at him. He just said that you looked home sick, the last time he saw you, I just started thinking about it, and well, we could be doing this, I mean fixing up the place, you didn't even need to offer to let us stay."
"Bull!" Emma broke in again "I didn't offer you anything, except hard work. For what, I don't pay as well as some. He needs to keep his nose out of it."
It was easy being in charge with Beth, at least most of the time. She’d always looked to Emma for guidance. The two of them were closer than even that. Mike had always kidded that in order to get a whole woman, he should’ve married both. The things Beth excelled in, Emma fell flat, right down to the bust line. Then again, Emma was better in other things, which Mike was sometimes willing to admit, but not often.
"Don't get mad at him, he didn't say that. He was just worried about you and well –" she looked down again "I should’ve known how unhappy you were. I mean after all, how many times do you really cry over something stupid?"
There was no pulling the wool over Beth's eyes, rubbing her hand across her face, Emma was forced to admit her sister was right, but the next excuse worked, how can anyone rebuke, PMS.
Even if she wasn't able to confide in Beth then, there’d come a day when she’d have to, there was no way she was going to be able to keep her secret alone. However, for now, she at least had something else to dwell on.
If she threw in the towel, she’d be wiping out any hope of Beth and Rob, getting that second chance they’d dubbed this. Then there was Alex, he hadn't been able to raise his boy's, without the medaling effects of his mother, since his divorce. As she glanced around the large living room, she decided, that the place was his second chance too.
Easing back into the overstuffed chair in front of the fireplace; placed exactly where she’d imagined it that first night, she thought of how it could be her second chance at life as well. All the men, that insisted on living her life for her, where in Salt Lake, two hundred and fifty miles away. For the first time in her life, she was actually making decisions for herself. Mike wasn't there to remind her of the things she needed to do, as if she really had that bad of a memory. There were no older brothers around either. Letting her know, how short of their expectations she fell.
She missed them though, not for all their little ideologies, but just because they had always been there. It was like walking a tight rope without a net, if she fell it was a long way to the ground, and a sudden stop at the bottom
She couldn't truthfully say when she fell in love with Mike. He was always just there. They’d meet in high school the fall of her sophomore year. He was senior, a big man on campus not because of the sports he played, but for the fact that he was who he was. She’d found it attractive, that he seemed to know where he was going in life. It had offered her comfort, and security after her father died, she’d never meant to let him rule her life though. Perhaps he didn't, she considered; at least most of it. She’d worked before they were married and returned just before Jason was born.
She loved to work, especially when she felt she was achieving something worthwhile. Figures and facts came easy they had to, or else without a high school diploma she would have gone nowhere. She learned through life, things she didn't know how to do; she taught herself to do. A lot of the time she would end up talking herself into a job, knowing nothing about it only to tap everyone else's brains, and come out on top.
Like the auditing company. When originally hired, she was supposed to count items on shelves. She did, but she also watched the crew supervisor's, and within a few months, she knew everything they did; as well as everything she was required to do. So one morning when the supervisor didn't show up, she took the crew out. When she returned to the office an hour before the other supervisor's, with a good store count, she was promoted the next day. Six months later, she’d figured out what the office manager did, and when he fell short, she was ready to step in.
After that, she had a fantastic résumé for leadership, accuracy, and durability.
"Penny for your thoughts" Jim asked directly above her.
Remembering some of her stronger moments, gave her the strength to face him again. Whatever it was he knew, that he wouldn’t say – didn't seem to matter as much. She felt assured that she’d find it out eventually, and when she did, she'd handle it.
"Not really." she answered with a large smile, as he took a seat in the matching chair, pushing his hat back. "It's silly. I was just thinking about all the strange people you meet, when you’re on the road."
"It doesn't matter anyway – That smile talks for its self." He said even before considering her comment, and then suddenly as if it’d just sunk in, he blurted out "On the road?"
His reactions made her giggle even more, fringing on the brink of a full-blown laugh. "When I worked for an Auditing company, I was required to travel a lot."
"So, you know what it's like, to be away from home?"
"Sort of, Yeah." she answered a bit melancholy. "I spent four or five days out, usually a week. But once I realized what it was doing to the kid's— Well you know they were little, Jason was still in diapers – I don't even know who potty trained him." her voice grew softer, and softer as she spoke. She’d just about forgotten the down side to the whole thing. He would think her terrible for running off and letting someone else care for her kids.
"But you enjoyed the work?"
He’d caught the point she was trying to make. "I loved being in charge and the people were great." she added with a sigh "But I just couldn't stand to be away that long."
"Your family always comes first, right?"
"Family should always be first, shouldn’t it?"
Stretching his long legs out in front of him, he dropped his black Stetson to the floor and looked straight at her. "It's really the only thing a person has in this life, you know. I mean sure you can own land, or a car, or a lot of clothes –” he dropped he eyes for a minute, then looked back at her "But kids are your only true mark in life." She could’ve taken that as a slur, but she knew better, he was talking from the heart. She could only nod her head and agree. The solemn look on his face made her wish she’d never brought the subject up. So as smoothly as possible, she changed it, asking if he'd like some coffee.
She had only to pushed open the swinging doors to the kitchen, before Beth meet her with a tray full of goodies, and a full pot of coffee, as well as a bit of advice.
"Remember Emma, companionship, isn't a sin."
"Just don't let it get out of hand?"
Thoughtfully, Beth replied, "You may not regret that either." before she trudged off, for a walk with Rob.
Beth viewed things differently than she did, perhaps because it was her second marriage, or just because she’d had the opportunity to date as an adult. Whatever reason there was for it, Emma often wished she could be as liberal as Beth.
Returning to the living room with tray in hand, she discovered that Jim had the blackened logs a blaze, in the fireplace. "I don't know how you do it." She proclaimed. She’d actually hoped for a fire.
"What is it with you Girl," there he’d used that name again, why did he insist on calling her Girl. "Aren't you afraid of getting slivers in those pretty feet of yours?"
She’d forgotten she was bare footed as usual. "It's a bad habit." she responded, placing the tray on the coffee table. "But since Rob an Alex, sanded all the floors down –" rising up, she discovered that the comb that had held her hair in place, had fallen out. Looking at the floor, for its wear about, she finished, “Well I just don't think about it anymore."
"Leave it." Jim said, "I think it looks best, down." So did she, but it was always in her face. Instead of looking further for the clip, she simply twisted it into a long ringlet and dropped it down her back. When he chuckled, she threw him a confused look.
"You enjoy being the boss lady, don't you?"
The phrase didn't fit her at all. It even conjured images of what she would call "The True Business Woman". A woman with a tongue that whipped like a lash, who carried a knife, meant for another person’s back. "No, I think you've got the wrong impression, I'm not the boss. When have I ever told you to do something?" she paused for a response before, easing herself back into the chair as he merely shook his head. “I don't have to be around here—sometimes. I actually feel like someone else is in charge – you know unseen." His eyes were warm, but it was apparent he’d no idea to what she was referring. "You run my legs off. It’s getting harder and harder for me to just keep up."
"You don't have to" he answered, looking up from his coffee.
"Oh yes I do, there’s only two people in this world, I wasn't able to keep up with, before coming here, Jeff, an old boss of mine and Marcy, my neighbor back in St Paul. No matter what I did, I couldn't match Jeff's performance at work. And Marcy –" she paused wondering how to phrase it "She was always out doing me, I mean how do you keep up with super-people?"
"You like competition?"
She was beginning to wonder if he was even listening to her, "I hate competition. The only person, someone should be competing against, is himself or herself. That's how they improve – Not by comparing themselves to someone else." she raised her voice stating the facts clearly.
"Then why do you feel you need to keep up, with us?" he asked, with a confused look on his face.
With a deep sigh, she tried to explain, "I guess it's not so much keeping up, I've always started on the bottom and watched others, and here I should be the one everyone else looks up to. Half the time I don't know how I know what to do – I mean Mike’s always made the decisions."
"Emma." he's voice was raised, as he reached for another cookie. "Give yourself some credit, will you, even if Mike’s always ruled your life"
"I didn't say he ruled me." She protested
"I didn't mean for it to sound like that." He defended "I was just saying, you have a head on those pretty shoulders, and you know what to do with it, as well as he does."
Shamefully she looked away, he was only offering a compliment, and she was ready to rip into him.
"You didn't need to clean horse stalls, to prove to me, you can run this place. Damn, these cookies are good."
"I'll tell Beth you said so."
"Why, she didn't make them." he protested
How’d he know that? "No, I can't read your mind." he insisted, but he obviously could her face. "I called when you were putting them in the oven. Beth told me. So why give her the credit? I just don't understand, one minute you’re looking for recognition and the next you’re giving it away. Why?"
"I'm not looking for recognition," she demanded, as she stood and walked to the window. "I want respect." turning to look where he now stood, she continued on "The best way to get it, is to give it, isn't it? Pride is going to be the death of this world yet. It's Beth's receipt. I only put the ingredients together and threw them in the oven, what pride is there in following directions? I'm good at following directions. But I want to be, just as good at creating them, that's what takes talent." She wanted to be able to see what needed done, and do it, or be able to tell someone else to do it. She felt, she was all ways following someone else's receipt, be a good girl, get married, have children, and don't raise trouble.
"You didn't include insecurity to your list of fears." He spoke from her side.
"There's a lot I didn't include." whispering, she turned to look up at him.
"So I see." he unwound her hair from the large ringlet, allowing it to fall softly across her shoulders. "Is there anything, I can do?" he asked softly, holding her upper arms. "That is, other than tell you, how much respect I have for you." He whimpered in return, drawing a deep breath “You've totally blown me away, Girl. I couldn't do what you do."
"Bull," she blurted out, feeling as if he were trying to pacify her, she pulled away "Just what couldn't you do, like I said, some people are just super-people, your one and I'm not." Turning she watched a mix of reactions shoot across his face.
"You’re just too stubborn to see the truth. I'll bet you were trying to keep up with Jeff and Marcy at the same time, like you’re doing here.”
She had to admit he was right, she just couldn't blend the job and home together, and come up with a smooth batch. Apparently, her face had turned into a large print book to him.
"See," he insisted, brushing her hair back across her shoulders, "It wasn't that they were super-bodies, you were just splitting up your energies. You’re doing the same thing here, trying to keep up with all of us at the same time. You can't do it, no one could."
She’d never stopped to realize, just how easy it’d become, to keep up with Marcy, once she was no longer working. After turning on the radio, she rejoined him in front of the fireplace, and discussed work-war-stories, until well into the evening. They never did go dancing, but she did unwind, she even woke the next morning ready to get back to work.