I woke up to the sound of crunching paper. I turned my head in the pillow towards my left side only to find the crunching sounds so much louder.
Dang! I thought to myself, No wonder I heard that 6969 code on Easter Sunday. My hearing is so much more magnified in my left ear.
217
A Secret Spyder Verse I slid my right arm under my pillow case to fondle the manila envelope that Spyder Woman had dumped on my doorstep last night as I had not yet opened it. With my left arm I reached onto the floor and plugged in an extension cord that led to my coffee maker. Within seconds I could hear the percolating sounds as I had every intention of brewing coffee for two this morning. I knew George wasn’t working at the disposal service and it was time we had a serious talk about Spyder Woman and her upcoming roles.
When I heard the loud gurgling sounds I knew the pot had fully brewed. I rolled around on the matress towards the edge so I could grope around for the second extension cord. The orange one of course. After I plugged in the orange cord I rolled around to the other side so I could whisper to Bobbie Jo still sitting in my lawn chair holding a tv remote.
“I’m turning you on baby. Don’t tell me the air conditioning made you cold last night.”
I liked that Bobbie Jo couldn’t back talk me. In about ten minutes her entire body would become 100 degrees. Just the perfect temperature I needed to fool the over head satellite that constantly spied on me. Even though the peek-a-boos could spy on 218
A Secret Spyder Verse me through the ceiling from miles away I still found clever ways to fool them. The authorities would be completely shocked if they really knew just how much work I was able to do while from right under their nose.
I took a quick cold shower to highten my senses while Bobbie Jo warmed up in my chair. The trial was getting closer to the end and I wanted better faculties to better pay attention in court today.
After my cold morning wake up I grabbed the envelope from inside the pillow case and poured out two coffees. I could hardly wait to open the envelope in front of George this morning. This was the manila parcel profile I had been waiting seven years for.
The Demon Snatcher. This morning I would eventually learn her true Identity.
I turned on the TV for Bobbie Jo and made my way down to the apartment dungeon down below. George was quick to open the door as if expecting me.
“You look like momma bird kicked you out of the nest Dirty Bird.
Why do you look so awake this morning?”
I handed him his name brand coffee then proudly showed him the 219
A Secret Spyder Verse manila envelope.
“Been waiting seven years for this! It’s finally gonna end George!
I’m finally gonna expose the gorilla on my back!”
George just chuckled and pulled out a chair from the kitchen table so I could sit down.
“So you really think Spyder Woman gonna help you catch the Demon Snatcher eh?”
I was excited. “Yup! Got a whole dossier on her right here!”
I couldn’t help but notice an incredulous look on George that I once noticed on Spencer.
Why did everyone always think that just cuz I was a trucker I was a real bull shitter?
George added some cream and sugar to his coffee then grabbed 220
A Secret Spyder Verse the manila envelope to examine it.
“Looks like a woman’s writing on the envelope. Demon Snatcher.”
“Yup.”
“Well you gonna open it or are ya gonna keep acting like this is an audition for Willy Wonka? Let’s see this golden ticket boy.”
George had many years on me so he was allowed to refer to me as
“boy” sometimes. I grabbed the envelope and carefully ripped from the top so none of the contents inside could tear. Inside was a few 8.5 X 11" papers but not a single paper contained a mug shot of the Demon Snatcher. A look of dismay permeated my face. I had been fooled. Not only had I been fooled but there was a hand written note from the chiropractor mixed in with all the other papers.
Great news! Your Spyder contraptions work pretty great and I 221
A Secret Spyder Verse know who she is Blakey! I’m putting her mugshot right next to your X-RAY. I like the leverage I continue to hold on you! See you next appointment!
George busted out into laughter as I slammed the envelope into the table. He had to rub it in my face just a little more.
“I think she likes teasing you Dirty Bird.”
I defended myself. “Well if she’s secretly joining team salt I’ll write a letter to the Joker’s girlfriend to have her spied on as well.”
George looked at the envelope still full of papers.
“Well hold on now Bob let’s not give up so soon. Let’s see what all these papers are all about.”
I watched as George leafed through the stack of papers. After 222
A Secret Spyder Verse getting to about the third page his eyes suddenly lit up.
“I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape Dirty Bird. These might just be the papers that can help you out.”
I was confused. “Huh?”
“These are bonafide documents. They’re immunity papers signed by judges and lawyers.”
“They’re giving me immunity?”
“Yup looks that way. Evidently your story has piqued their interest.”
“What about my hush money?”
George scrutinized the documents a little more. “Says right here you’re guaranteed to keep it.”
223
A Secret Spyder Verse It all sounded a little outlandish to me. “What about protection from police? I know a lot of their dirty little secrets ya know.”
George chuckled. “Don’t see nuthn about protection from the Poh-lice. You’re a tough bird. Most of them gotta Wear body cams now.
You should be alright.”
Of all the gangs in this country I had always dubbed the police as the most dangerous. Criminal gangs had to hide their guns while the cops never had anything to worry about. But that wasn’t alone what scared me. What scared me was how they had the entire alphabet system wrapped around their little finger. Cops were most dangerous right here in Lancaster because this Bible toting village had a history of being brain washed to believe everything law enforcement says. If it had a bird, horsey, or shield on it in the town’s eyes it was legit. The residents of Lancaster were ALWAYS
known for asking very little questions when it came to decisions made by law enforcement.
I looked at George. “So you really think I should tell the courts everything from A to Z?”
George nodded. “I’d say go for it.”
224
A Secret Spyder Verse I got up from the kitchen table and walked over to George’s knife drawer and opened it up. George didn’t flinch. He already knew I wasn’t going for a knife. Instead I pulled out a picture that was taken five years ago and plopped it onto the table.
George saw the picture and grunted in disgust. "Hmph! I really was hoping you would throw that away. It disgusts me every time I see it.
“I can’t. I can’t George. It’s hardcore evidence. If Debra wants any shot at winning her case the courts are gonna demand knowing who the guilty perpetrator was that took the picture.”
I gazed at the grotesque look on George as he pushed the shopping cart while wearing his World War two hat. George pushed the picture away from him not wanting to look at it again.
“You do what you gotta do Dirty Bird but keep me out of it.”
“You’re a witness George. I know you’re an underpaid garbage collector but you shouldn’t have been shopping at a discount grocery store. You should know that stuff expires rather quickly.”
225
A Secret Spyder Verse George quickly glanced at the picture of my mother holding hands with the creepy old froggy eyed man that wasn’t my father.
“How did you figure it all out Bob? How did you eventually learn who took the picture? Even I didn’t see the picture taken. I only remember this little soldier right here.”
George pointed to the only clue in the picture that finally ascertained that yes indeed my sister in law was in fact for many years trying to put me back in jail. When the faux affairs didn’t work she eventually gave up and just opted to light me on fire instead along with all the paper evidence I was hoarding up from unscrupulous trucking companies ripping me off.
It took me years to finally spot the little Gi-Joe hoodie belonging to my youngest nephew who’s tiny Gi-Joe hood slightly protruded above the shopping cart my sister in-law was pushing while she took the picture of my mother holding hands with froggy eyes. I was in a truck all the way out in Kentucky when my brother texted me the photo.
I pointed to the tiny Gi-Joe hood for George to see.
226
“You have to admit George. Their conspiracy was rather clever as he was very…. and I mean very…clever in his wording when he texted me.”
George was curious. “Well what did he say that the jury is gonna want to know?”
“I was fooled George. I had been fooled all those years into believing a complete stranger took the photo.”
“So what did he say then? What did he tell ya Bob? How did he word it?”
“His verbatim words were somebody from the church took this picture and forwarded it to him. I didn’t piece everything together until I saw the toddlers Gi-Joe hoodie sweater in their closet.
Nobody from their Church took this picture. My out-to-get-me sister-in-law took this pic.”
George sipped his coffee then chuckled. “So I guess your little brother wasn’t actually lying to you then huh?”
227
“He deceived me.”
“Maybe yes but police are trained to do that. He’s trying to flush you out.”
“My whole family been trying to flush me out George. The rabbit don’t have to see through the thickets to know Elmer Fudd still standing outside the bushes with that gun.”
George defended my brother. “Give him credit where credits due Bob.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because your sister in law belonged to the church. You should’ve paid more attention to the wording. You should have focused more on the wording Billy Bob.”
I quickly chugged down the rest of my coffee and regained my composure.
228
“I can’t let Debra win this case.”
“Why not? Your sister in law tried to kill you! She’s not in Hillary’s league to be able to elude crime.”
“Yes she is George but that’s not the foresight that I’m struggling with.”
“Well what then?”
“Caught wind my brother stopped in at the chiropractor clinic with my nieces and nephews. You should have seen the way she was looking at those kids. There past those terrible twos which she might like being as she’s a busy doctor. My niece and nephews were all over her.”
George moved the coffee cup away from his lips.
“Spyder Woman don’t have no kids of her own?”
229
A Secret Spyder Verse I shook my head no. “She can’t George. She can’t have kids she’s part spider remember? Was born blue just like a spider. If there’s one thing I definitely know about women. They’re gonna want kids eventually!”
George wiped strands of gray hair away from his face as he started to piece the mystery together. Things were starting to make sense to him.
“So you got a good looking brother that Spydee girl might find attractive and now you’re gonna keep her away from all that?
That’s why your sister-in-law can’t go to jail because you’re worried Spydee girl might just take over your sister-in-law's role and fill that void?”
I shook my head yes.
George looked disgusted. “Aww! Bob! You Dirty Bird you! That’s why you didn’t invite your family to the chiropractor’s free family fun day. You know you’re not in a league to date the chiropractor and now you’re just gonna be selfish and keep her away from those kids? They look like they’re starving! You said it yourself once how when meal time comes around you see your sister in 230
A Secret Spyder Verse law open up a can of Vienna sausages and cut them all up into tiny pieces to feed the entire family. Must you be that selfish Bob?”
I knew that it would financially behoove me to get a family discount on my membership but it wasn’t worth the price I would have to pay watching from a few sofas over Spyder Woman adjusting my little brother’s neck while my sister in law rotted away in a jail secretly telling me "
I told you so Bob, I told you so. Shoulda not went Stormy Daniels on everyone and just kept the hush money This dire premonition quickly eluded when I realized a bigger problem that would stalk me for life. The Demon Snatcher. If I didn’t flush out the Demon Snatcher before she flushes me then I’D be the one rotting away in a jail cell for finally giving in and nibbling away at the annoying plastic worm she constantly dangled in front of me! Forget Spyder Woman. She might not fall in love with my brother anyways. I had my own skin I had to save.
If I didn’t reveal Carmen’s evil plans to the courts then the Demon Snatcher would eventually beat me to the punch and I would have my own criminal charges to deal with.
231
A Secret Spyder Verse I grabbed the immunity papers from off the table so I could take them back to my apartment and make at least 16 copies. I looked over at a still very frustrated George.
“These immunity papers will be my golden ticket this morning. I have to be in court in an hour to testify yet again.”
George looked over at me with his grumpy George look.
“You gonna tell Debra everything she needs to know?”
I nodded. “Yep”
“Your sister-in-law going to jail?”
“Not possible George. Her father was smart enough to hire Spencer. With Spencer on board Debra will have no chances of winning her case so I have nothing to worry about.”
I headed toward George’s front door so I could go back up to my 232
A Secret Spyder Verse apartment. George suddenly called out to me.
“Dirty Bird wait! You forgot your key piece of evidence! The jury is gonna want to see this photo!”
It was obvious that my short term memory loss was proof I was getting older. I tucked the photo my sister in law had took into the manila envelope along with the immunity papers.
“Thanks George! I’ll let ya know when I finally get that feisty gorilla off my back!”