A Secret Spyder Verse Introduction
They say curiosity killed the cat but would it kill a spider?
A five star chiropractor makes an egregious error by embarking on mission to investigate as to why the authorities have one of her employees placed under an investigation prior to a new practice member joining the group. To speed things up the chiropractor reaches out to an attorney named Debra that has helped her with civil issues in the past and they later became friends. Debra has recently bumped up to becoming a prosecutor and has much of the answers the chiropractor is looking for.
Unfortunately, as the two poke around for answers they find themselves walking right into an attempted murder conspiracy where a police officer's wife will stop at nothing and is willing to kill in order to silence her knew practice member because of deep dark secrets being harbored by the member that can't be exposed.
Comic books written in 1995 prove that an underground villain known as “Dirty Bird” knew of the Itsy Bitsy Spyder Woman long before they ever met as he had been learning of her super powers in the comic books. When Dirty Bird (one of her practice members) starts receiving hush money payments he immediately destroys the evidence Debra needs for the conviction of the police officer's wife that tried to burn him up in smoke but nobody knows why? Who protects somebody that is trying to kill them?
As the attempted murder case turns into a five day trial, more cans of worms open up exposing deep dark secrets within the brass of the 1
A Secret Spyder Verse entire town. Although Spyder Woman and Debra are willing to bring Dirty Bird's killer to justice, Spyder Woman enjoys the leverage she has over him knowing he will do just about anything because she has something he wants. An X-Ray showing the precise location of the NR-2005-Z015Nano. A GPS tracking device that has been lodged in Dirty Bird's brain since April 15th, 2005. Are Debra and Spyder Woman seriously devoted towards stopping Dirty Bird from being murdered or are they only after the truth?
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A Secret Spyder Verse CHAPTER 1
The only distraction was the cacophony of the ripples beating down on the shoreline. Occasionally a sea gull would fly over head only to realize that this was a place where you couldn't find so much as a small crumb of bread. A place where very little life existed other than the algae that appeared to be dancing underneath the murky waters. I hadn't given a name to this place nor was I very sure that this place even existed on a map. As far as I knew this place had no name.
I wanted to keep it that way for personal reasons. I have always been a terrible liar and over the years I have found clever ways to prevent putting myself in a position where I'd have to lie. This was my special place of solace and I didn't want anybody ever finding out about it.
Should anybody ever find me here, I had already promised myself that I would never return.
So many thoughts raced through my mind as I tried to comfort myself by positioning my butt in between the rocks until it felt just right. This place reminded me of the rocks I used to sit on while fishing down by the lake when I was a kid. I guess what I was sitting on back then was what you would call a dam. One time my mother had come along on one of my fishing trips and dove into the lake fully clothed trying to rescue a fish I had caught the size of a shark that had broken the line. I still recall the tenacious look in my mother's eyes as she stood in freezing water as she wrestled with that fish trying so desperately to keep it from escaping. The good fight had lasted for all but a minute until the enormous fish managed to break free from my mother's arms and swim away to safety. I guess I'll never know what her intentions that day really were.
Did she go after that fish because it was mine? Or was she only interested in keeping the family dinner from going to waste? I really didn't know. One thing I did know was that we always cleaned and ate the fish that we caught. I don't like cleaning fish. They're 3
A Secret Spyder Verse slimy and they smell funny. Sometimes their prickly scales really freak me out. I think Catfish belong in freak shows.
A small cloud momentarily blocked the sun so I could get a better look at the algae dancing beneath my feet without the reflection of the sun blinding me as I tried to speculate what really goes on underneath those small billowy waves. I like to pretend that this place is the ocean but in fact it is not. All I know is that I had heard that these murky waters eventually run into the Chesapeake bay. Nobody really hangs out here because the big nuclear plant off in the distance seems to just ruin the mood. Or does it? Maybe there's other nuts out there like me that are infatuated with power. Something about knowing that millions of people rely on that source for their every day living really seemed to turn me on. Sunlight began to perforate the last little bit of cloud and I could no longer see dancing seaweed trying so desperately to entertain me and distract me from the things I came here to think about. Things like have I let my guard down? Or Was letting my guard down maybe a good thing? I was delusional and I knew it. Sometimes I felt if I tried too hard they would get suspicious.
I would intentionally get sloppy just to always make them feel they had the upper hand. Sometimes I wondered if my psychologist ever figured out that my big huge Starbucks cup had nothing but water in it. I played that one out at least ten times until I eventually realized I was leaving a pattern and switched to a very pricey energy drink which I also kept filled with water when I went in for my weekly visits. I had a special "smoke shirt" that I wore to the head doctor but I was very far from being a smoker. Mother was the hardest one to fool but I had a trick up my sleeve for her too,spent scratch off tickets that I was picking out of trash cans at the gas station. I sure had fun feigning a gambling addiction that's for sure.
My special daydream was interupted by a soft wimpering sound. I felt my heart sink to the bottom. It was then followed by a relentless anxiety attack. I never used to get those until I experienced Federal Prison. Never even knew what they were actually . Had somebody found me? Did I slip and inadvertantly leave an electronic trail? Was this even possible? How old was she? How long had she been holding onto the other half of my X-ray? Why had she cut it off?
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A Secret Spyder Verse How much did they pay her to shut the hell up? Had ants really crawled into my brain? Did she not realize that I was smart enough to know that I literally stood a zero chance with her? Was this all just a visit of curiousity because she questioned the uptick in business?
What were her political beliefs because she sure as hell didn't strike me as a lazy democrat but yet I sensed she was smart enough to sense the republicans were nothing more than a bunch of healthy blessed bullies which meant she may have been a big fan of Ross Perrot with those mighty big ears to hear people with? Since when did she develop a sense of humor and what the hell kind of stories did she want to hear from me? I already know that she's definitely not the type to find the spare time to read a book but how had she fooled me into believing that she had a chinese husband? Wouldn't that give me a pretty good chance if she really did have a chinese husband? Please tell me this isn't possible? Did some sort of democratic party slip millions into her bank account because they were realizing that she had just replaced Chelsea Clinton and now I had bonafide irrefutable proof to believe that there was not only one angel in this world but now “two”
angels? Okay this is completely fucked up. I shouldn't even be thinking these “f” words around her because I know she would frown upon a weekness like that. So what does she want? I start to think about the barber. What did the barber in fact want? Hadn't the same exact thing happened with the local barber in town? I knew it wasn't my meat that they were after which meant only one thing. They were curious just like anybody else. How had I become the boogie man?
What was it really that the boogie man was meant to do? Secretly feed people or kill people? Could you feed people only for the sole intentions of killing them? Or were there in fact boogie mans out there that had no intentions of killng anybody at all? How many movies were really out there where the boogie man actually “killed” people?
Didn't he usually just give them a big scare?
It made me think of Hanni and I felt my anxiety attack. Just how the hell were you supposed to touch base with people without opening an online social account. I'll never forget how startled I was listening to what Hanni told me in my mother's basement. It would stick with me for years. Not just years, but years and years because until this very 5
A Secret Spyder Verse day it is still just all too funny.
Cr-e-e-e-e-a-a-a-c-c-k-k! (25 years ago)
“What's that?” I say.
“Aw. Nuthn. Prolly just the boogie man.”
“Aren't you scared?” I ask while taking a break from her chest.
The alcohol from her lips tries to blow me up like I am a balloon. Yup.
She's definitely drunk, I sure as hell didn't do it. The future police officer had brought her to me. I'm on house arrest for stealing all of the neighbors cars. I'm only 16.
Hani still thinks it's funny that I'm freaking out by the strange sounds I'm hearing from inside my mother's basement.
“Aw no I ain't scared of no boogie man.”
“Well why not?” I ask.
“Because I took my mother's advice” she says.
“Well what's that?” I ask?
“My mom said the only way to overcome the fear of the boogie man was to fuck the boogie man.”
Was it possible that I would have the great honor and privilege of one day becoming the boogie man? What was it exactly that the boogie man was meant to do? Were there just as many good boogie mans as there were as bad? Would I get to sleep under people's beds and make funny noises?
My daydream was interrupted once again as I realized that the whimpering sound I was hearing was nothing more than a crying sea gull. I was also realizing that the rock song I was creating on this mini 6
A Secret Spyder Verse island was going to fail. Not only was it going to fail but it was going to piss people off.
Couldn't I just finish my stupid song without the peekaboos figuring out how to make it go viral before I even finished it?
How long was my hometown rock station gonna stalk me and make attempts at putting guilt trips on me?
And that's when the pieces started to come together. The doctors didn't want me to know about their peekaboo system so they were using my mental illness as a scapegoat to keep the public at bay. Each and every doctor was covering for the other two because the initial doctor knew I was a deep thinker and would eventually figure things out. I had given too much detail about the pain I was in to the second doctor and the story matched the first doctor.
Details, Details, Details. The evidence is always in the details.
I hear the whimpering sound again. This time it's real. This time I'm freaked out. This time I'm going to jail. Okay, I'm not really going to jail except that this doctor has dug her way all the way to China and is politely asking for a truce.
Doesn't she know that I'm not attracted to her? Doesn't she know that I think she's too tall? Doesn't she know that I was only being playful in the review but was pretty pissed off when I wrote it? Wouldn't she know that if the price was right she could just pay google to make this all go away? Or was it in fact her company that would have to pay to erase the electronic trail?
It didn't matter that my mind was playing tricks on me.
Sometimes I realize how much I am constantly losing my battles in life but the simple fact that I still manage to “Stay in the picture”
proves that I will always be winning the war. A marathon runner that places dead last in a race of ten thousand people is still winning over the 8 billion people that didn't even run the race at all.
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*ahhhkkk...ahhhkkk....ahhhhlllll....*
I slap myself in the face to remind myself this whimpering cry from below the rocks is not my imaginary little shortcake secret admirer begging to be rescued but rather a stupid little bird. I don't know how I found this place. Didn't even know that it truly existed. I'm flabbergasted. Shell shocked. Imagine seeing a peaceful place in your dreams numerous times. A place that you were sure you have never visited before. Only to one day go on a 60 mile gander to find out that every thing you had saw in your mind does in fact exist. Not only does it exist but it's picturesque down to the very last detail to the point it's freaking you out in your mind.
Secretly I want to be stalked today. I want someone to find me.
Because of this very special place I'm not terribly worried that my stalker could be overweight for this is just not possible. It's quite a dangerous climb to get here. If I don't snap out of this daydream and get back in touch with reality I stand a very excellent chance of dying here. I know how difficult it was to reach this location without spraining an ankle and I simply love this quiet little place. I scream as loud as I want and nobody can hear me. But what I like best? Nobody can sneak up on me. Nobody of course except for Spider Woman. Did I just say “Spider Woman”? Is that the next big thing?
CHAPTER 2 A GIRAFFE SEES EVERYTHING
They say that an elephant's pregnancy lasts 22 months. The Elephant song was in fact one of my favorite movies. Maybe it had a sad ending but at least it had a psychological thrill ride. I realize that nobody can stalk me today because how would they know I'm here if I hadn't told anyone where I was going? How could they GPS stalk me 8
A Secret Spyder Verse if I turned the location setting off on my phone? I knew that was a load of bullshit. I've secretly been on the watch list for years. I've conducted enough experiments over the years to know the government bypasses that little location button all the time. I can't shut my phone off altogether because I'm smart enough to know that my nosy siblings will pepper me with questions to the point I have a conflagration shooting right out of my asshole.
Spider woman........... hmmmm.....definitely sounds catchy. I guess with this strong breeze muffling sound from at least thirty yards a spider woman could potentially slither across these irregularly placed seaweed slippery rocks and creep up on me.
I suddenly turn around to catch “Miss Spider woman” Hopping onto the dangerous pier of rocks. Nope just another illusion of a tiny tree swaying in this brutal wind.
I just wanna sing my song. I think to myself.
Why can’t these winds die down for a lousy four minutes so I can record my song?
I’m very proud that the song I wrote says “Hell” 34 times. It won’t make the Grammy awards but I’m highly convinced some bucktooth drunk at a dive bar will sing along with it some day. “Hell with Life”.
What a great title. It sure doesn’t get any better than that. I wasn’t in the least surprised that the professional singer I tried to hire bailed out on me because he was too offended by the lyrics. Oh well. Even some actors I had heard refused to audition for gruesome movies.
I noticed a slight lull in the winds and decided I should make a karaoke attempt even if that meant only singing half a song before it would record as one big windy fart. The winds had been blowing so hard today I liked the danger I was taking simply by standing up.
Even if I were to catch my fall these big huge hodge podge rocks would leave me bleeding for sure.
I figured it best to gain my balance and composure first by using my own two hands as if balancing myself on a balance beam. I opted to lay my cellphone down on the flattest rock I could find before I stand up. Sure would be a nightmare having a cellphone slip between these 9
A Secret Spyder Verse rocks. These rocks are so big I can’t even imagine a helicopter lifting them.
There was one last big gust of wind as I balanced myself like a surfer surfing the angry waves. I spread my legs apart for better balance and waited a second or two to convince myself I was standing on good solid Rock. Once I was convinced, I slowly started to crouch down to pick up my cellphone behind me.
Had I laid it on a different rock? Was there an adjacent flat Rock I had laid it on?
Panic ensued and I felt myself gasping for breath. Where was my phone? Had the winds blown it between the rocks? I turned myself around just a little more to notice the wet slippery black flipper.
Evidently my intruder was too short to cast a shadow.
Spider Woman?
That’s when I saw my own reflection of my nerdy glasses right on the screen of my cellphone. I went to reach out to grab it but the doctor abruptly pulled it away.
“Looking for this?”
Somehow I was able to respond right away. “I dunno but evidently you are.”
She was clad in tight waterproof black from head to toe. Even her face looked almost like black Saran wrap. The only thing not scrunched up in black was her eyes. Her Laura Ingle eyes were always a dead give away. Nobody ever cross examined somebody with a set of eyes that looked fresh off a scene of Little House on the Prairie. I often wished those cherub eyes would slow down her motivation but it didn’t. This doctor had the drive of a Terminator. I knew eventually one day she would need my training to face another actual “Real” Terminator with
“Real” green Terminator eyes. Spider Woman would eventually draw her strength and wisdom by taking notes and observing “Dirty Bird’s”
behavior. Things would play out eventually all in God’s good time.
The murky waters dripping from her scuba suit were dripping all over my dry Nikes. I assumed she knew of this and was doing it intentionally as a form of payback for skipping out on my last 10
A Secret Spyder Verse appointment.
I knew I was no match for her tight gripped rubber flippers that she was curling around the rocks for better support. I even knew exactly what she was looking for as she swiped her slippery index finger up and down instead of left to right. She was scrolling text history.
Somehow she knew my threads went deep. Very deep. I defended myself for good measure.
“You won’t find any porn in there.”
She continued to scroll down. “As Snoopy as your family is I didn’t think you’d be stupid enough to leave any. That’s not what I’m looking for.”
I already knew what it was she was looking for.
“Yeah well it’s that snoopy family of mine is the only reason she was innocent.”
The chiropractor finally reached the text history displaying the first week of March. I knew that as observant as she was that most likely she was inspecting the time stamps inside the little green bubbles.
Those Little House On The Prairie eyes of hers swelled up when she finally saw the incoming text message proving her employee was being spied on long before we ever met. It also proved my innocence too that I didn’t go looking for things, things in fact came looking for me.
I watched as Spider Woman hit the little circle menu button to clear the screen. That was my que that her peek-a-boo mission was completed.
“Hmm! Good thing I only temporarily laid her off and didn’t fire her completely. It looks like I won’t be challenging her claim after all.”
She handed the phone back to me. I immediately stuffed it into my pocket. I was still curious.
“You came all this way out here just to do that?”
11
“Hmm! You were easy to find. Schizophrenics are naturally led to bodies of waters. So how does it feel to be crept up on?”
I chuckled, so that’s what this sneak attack was REALLY all about.
The doctor was getting curious about me scheduling all those impromptu appointments. Nothing like scheduling a visit just ten minutes prior to appointment time. I had a logical reason for these impromptu appointments but I could never tell her the real reason why I mustard up a reply.
“I was just keeping ya on your toes doc. Sorry for all the impromptu appointments.”
I looked up as I said it and finally noticed the itsy bitsy spider decal on her lapel. It was in fact a distinguishable grey stitching. I couldn’t help if wonder whether the doctor knew or not that I wasn’t the first to blow her cover as Spider Woman. I had done my research. Spider Woman was first discovered in comics books all the way back in 1995. The role she would have had back then just wasn’t spidery juicy enough to make it to the big screens. But now that she discovered Dirty Bird? Things were gonna change. Motives fickle constantly when spiders do business with Birds. And ESPECIALLY Dirty Birds.
We eat spiders. We eat spiders when they’re still alive.
The doctor turned around towards the waters and embraced for a dive.
She would never change. Even if she wasn’t busy she still possessed the skill of acting busy. Never let your body language slow down cuz they’ll only try to chit chat. I knew her mantra and I knew it well. She stopped herself just as she was ready to dive in.
“Yes?” I said with a quizzical look.
“Do you want me to hold onto your phone for you? I can make sure they get a warrant first.”
I was a bit confused by her sudden remark. “Huh?”
“A warrant. If you let me hold onto your phone I’ll make sure to oversee they go through the right process.”
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A Secret Spyder Verse I was taken aback. “Why would anyone want my phone? What warrant?”
That was when she saw the manila envelope protruding through my shirt. I guess the winds had pushed to hard and I was sporting some yellow.
“That’s a neat looking fanny pack you got there. Did you want me to hold that too for you?”
I was upset that the $2,000 cash I kept concealed had just been discovered. I plucked out the yellow envelope for her to see.
“This ain’t for you. This is for Amy. I just assumed she wanted her cut. She’s the whole reason my floaty boat ever caught sail you know.” I said chuckling.
The doctor was in no mood for games. “Last chance. I have to go. You want me to hold onto that cellphone for ya?”
I waived her out to sea. “Bye Bye Miss little Mermaid. You can’t hoist much longer on this rock or your scales will run dry. You need water to live.”
My smart ass comment got another “hmm!” From the doctor. She turned around to dive in the waters. I still had some last parting words for her.
“Hey Spider Woman! Since when do spiders know how to swim!”
She ignored my humor and aimed herself towards the waters.
“And hey oh Spider Woman! It’s not over! I’m gonna get the other half of my X-Ray!!!!”
I watched as her flippers burrowed themselves deep into the murky waters. I knew that as long as I existed she would have that leverage 13
A Secret Spyder Verse over me. She knows I would do ANYTHING to get the other half of that X-RAY.
There was only maybe 15 minutes of sun left. I knew I had to hop these rocks a little faster if I wanted to get back to my car alive.
14
A Secret Spyder Verse CHAPTER 3 (Woo-Woo lights but for who?)
The sun morphed into a big dark orange fireball by the time I made it back to the shorelines. The shadows from the weeds were growing faster by the minute as I made my way back to my car parked near the sand. The moment I turned away from the giant weeds I knew something felt wrong. It had suddenly become eerily quiet and I knew at this hour cars should be whizzing along the adjacent road. Bile rose up my throat as I recognized the gumball lights illuminating the side of my car. The police were here. But why? How did they know I was here? Had someone in my family died? Or had I merely incidentally run a red light?
I wasn’t going to let the presence of the police put me in a trepid mood. I’m beyond that. Obviously they wanted to talk to me about something but that wasn’t what made me nervous. No that definitely was not what got my heart racing with fear. They had somebody WITH them and it wasn’t Spider Woman. It was my mother.
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A Secret Spyder Verse I didn’t try running away and I knew the patrolman had been briefed long enough to know that “I wouldn’t” be running away.
When I did my training in Fort Benning GA I often giggled at the drill sergeants that thought they could scream louder than Mommy. I had not seen Mommy in months and I knew right then and there today was not going to be a good day for me.
I didn’t need to crook my head too much to see my mother’s cherry red car parked right next to the black and white still whirling it’s woo woo lights. I squinted the best I could to determine if she had traveled alone or had brought someone with?
Even with the sun going down I could tell that the person in the passenger seat was definitely not my biological father. Had it been my biological father I would at least see a head like figure protruding slightly above the head rest. Most likely my father would be at work on a day like this with better things to do than find clever ways to stalk his oldest son. When my mother’s passenger noticed me trying to discern him I saw the creepy old man try hunkering down in the passenger seat. Over the years I had always noticed him hunkering down every time I would pass Mommy on road or highway. I knew exactly who was hiding in the passenger seat. It was the creepy old man from their Church of 30
16
A Secret Spyder Verse years. It was the creepy old man that I have been convinced of for months now that has been secretly stealing my mail.
My Grandpa has been jerked around by hospitals for many many years so I eventually found that I could learn from him. Get names.
As the officer accosted me I was sure to focus on his name tag.
“Lopez”. Today I would be dealing with officer “Lopez”. With a last name like that I was not surprised in the least that Mommy had managed to coax him today into stalking me right into my Karaoke on the rocks venture.
The Hispanic officer looked me over curiously as if of all the people he had met in life it was finally a privilege to meet a real life boogie man up front and close. He was even courteous enough to address me by my proper name. “Uncle b”.
He stared intently at the manila envelope crunched inside of my shoulder. I could tell by the look on his face he somehow knew too much about me. He was a stranger to me but definitely not I a stranger to him.
17
“Hey Uncle b. Did they open up a casino out here?”
I figured if he had stalked me from this many miles away I’d be wasting my time spinning him a creative yarn about what just might be in the envelope. Most likely the police hasn’t changed one bit. I was still on the watch list. They were still peeking in my piggy bank. They already knew about the $2,000.00 withdrawal and I wasn’t really one to go to art painting auctions.
“The casinos been closed for quite a while thanks to Covid-19.
This envelope was supposed to be for Amy. Amy opened up the sail for my floaty boat. This was the least I could do for her.”
Officer Lopez immediately started looking around while my mother stood abreast of him with Trump like folded arms. This was going nowhere.
“Who’s Amy? I don’t see anyone around here with the name of Amy?”
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A Secret Spyder Verse Oh boy. I thought to myself, here we go
I tried to think of something funny to take the sting out of the air.
“Well ya can’t miss PA Amy that’s for sure. She’s as tall as a giraffe!”
Mommy didn’t laugh at my joke. Mommy was more interested what was in the envelope. Her youngest son is a police officer. My first brother in law complained a lot about him abusing his police
“Peek-a-boo” Powers. I was 39 years old and still couldn’t open a piece of mail without Mommy opening it first no matter where I lived. And people thought they had the right to question my Mommy issues? Smsh.
Cars were now slowly creeping down the adjacent road rubbernecking to their hearts content. I knew right there and then that the witnesses driving by made the officer nervous which most likely meant he HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO PIN ON ME.
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A Secret Spyder Verse Officer Lopez placed a hand on my shoulder. “It’s about your coffee hour right Uncle b?”
I nodded. I had 13 miles to go before I could find a Wawa to subdue my caffeine fit.
Lopez continued. “Our station is just a couple miles from here. I’d like to invite you to a cup of the finest Joe down at our station. My boss has a few questions I thought you could help us out with.”
I didn’t like where this going. I also didn’t like that the passing motorists might not even care about my rights as they wouldn’t even know who I was in THE FIRST PLACE. I drummed up a good argument.
“I can’t leave my car here. It could easily get towed!”
Lopez patted my shoulder to assuage me. “Oh no, I wasn’t gonna toss you in my car with the woo woo lights. You can follow me down in your own car. We just have some questions for you. It will only be a few minutes. Coffee on us of course.”
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A Secret Spyder Verse I was trapped and I knew it. Mommy forced us to watch 48 hours all the time growing up because we couldn’t afford cable TV. It was in fact my coffee hour and if I didn’t partake in this complimentary coffee it only made me look guilty as hell.
“Okay.” I said, “I guess if it’s only a couple of miles away I can follow you down to the station.”