Nothing of this entire day was making sense AT ALL. I wasn’t handcuffed, I wasn’t even wearing the official prison garb.
But what spooked me the most? There was no bailiff calling my name as I entered into the Lancaster county courthouse. This was a rodeo like I had never seen before. This rodeo actually had a crowd. Even spectators which really threw me for a loop.
38
A Secret Spyder Verse I followed officer Lopez into the courtroom and tried to show off like a Veteran making a bee line towards the defendant table as if I already knew where it was at. Before I could start in the direction of the defendant table the officer grabbed my right arm and escorted me like a lost sheep towards the witness table. That is when I realized the defendant table was already occupied. I looked like a deer caught in the headlights when I recognized my sister-in-law sitting at the defendant table abreast of her millionaire father.
Oh shit. I thought to myself, Here we go.
I should have known with a full crowd in the courtroom this court hearing wasn’t about something that I'd done wrong. I was a nobody. A reclusive weirdo that could’nt even tell ya the names of any of my neighbors. My nights were often spent at home alone talking to the funny man that lives inside my head. Secretly making fun of the world when in fact the world was poking fun of me behind my back ALL the time.
39
A Secret Spyder Verse I felt my breathing get funny on me as I made my way to the witness stand. My heart was racing faster and faster as I had never sat this close to the judge before. It helped that the judge was a middle aged man as I knew it might improve my sister-in-law’s chances of getting away with what she did. And why would I want her getting away with her crimes? I can’t really tell you but it has very much to do with my expected tenure with Spider Woman. I knew she should be punished but having her hauled off to jail was definitely not part of the plan. In fact if that happened it would absolutely ruin everything.
I gazed around the courtroom just trying to spot one empty seat.
Whatever crime my sister-in-law law was facing was quite a doozy. Cops wives. It’s always a traumatic event when an officer of the year’s wife is facing a serious crime. I didn’t have time to scrutinize each and every face in the audience so I focused on looking instead for familiar faces. I started by scrutinizing the face of my sister-in-law’s attorney. Spencer?
How was this even possible? Had I been duped all these years by Spencer? I always wondered why I always deemed him smarter than any other attorney I had ever met but he had always told me he had never been officially sworn in. Had he been purposely playing me all those years knowing full well that I didn’t do business 40
A Secret Spyder Verse with bonafide attorneys?
I shifted my gaze towards the prosecutors side of the room and immediately recognized my chiropractor. Spider Woman. She was sitting abreast the prosecutor. Although we had never met in person I had a sick sense who the prosecutor was. I would know the moment she opened her mouth for sure so I could recognize her voice. I would know this voice to be Debra. She probably thought she was doing me a favor today but if she knew the depths of this story than she would know that in fact she was not.
And why was my chiropractor sitting right next to her? What would my chiropractor have anything to do with this?
The courts let me gain my composure while I quickly tried to recognize some more faces. I sensed the courtroom had been debriefed concerning my medical condition. Most likely Spencer already warned the courts of my tangential problem. It could be a struggle for me to answer too many questions and if they wanted accurate information it would most likely be in their best interest to speak nice and slowly. And I literally mean being redundant with every question or I could easily deceive them without even being aware that I was lying. I’m heavily medicated with 41
A Secret Spyder Verse psychotropic drugs. I’m not even sure why they would think my testimony would have any credibility. This of course would subsequently rule in my sister in-law’s favor. My brother wasnt here today but I’m sure he was smart enough to coach her to deny everything. Deny it all. Trump style baby. I couldn’t see that far but I surmised she was even smart enough to wear those green contacts. Those green contacts thwarted any windows to the soul.
The chatter in the courtroom silenced as Debra accosted me to cross examine me. She was more than a prosecutor. She had been a lawyer as well. I once tried to hire her to file civil suit against some shady trucking outfits breaching my contracts. She refused the hire due to “conflicts”. Now I couldn’t help but piece this eerie courtroom setting together now wondering did my chiropractor know Debra on a personal level?
Debra appeared to be only a few years older than me. I was completely unaware that she was now a criminal prosecutor but had heard stories of lawyers switching sides all the time so I wasn’t completely surprised. The tannish colored dress she wore definitely looked better than the Gi-Joe outfit my sister-in-law wore on Easter. I was pretty certain that would have been the last 42
A Secret Spyder Verse time I believed that she had broken into my home. I’m a little slow so it took me two weeks later to figure out what she was after. It wasn’t my baby carrots or organic milk this time. It definitely wasn’t my Saints hat that Bobbie Joe still hasn’t gotten the privilege to wear. No, my sister-in-law was after something she in fact had left behind. I kind of sensed that’s why we were all in this court room today. These past couple weeks the authorities had been dropping subtle clues along paths they foresaw me taking to let it be known I was no longer the one under criminal investigation. These clues I can not speak of. Somebody has been paying me to shut the hell up.
Curly haired Debra approached my bench and pretended to know me by playfully tapping the top of my table. Evidently she hadn’t been listening to my doctor’s that had been diagnosing me as schizophrenic or she would know I wasn’t going to hold up well in a crowded room. Or maybe she merely didn’t agree with the doctor’s opinions and felt I was just fine.
“Blake. Would you mind telling the courts what you were doing the afternoon of April 4th 2020?”
43
A Secret Spyder Verse I couldn’t help but think of Stormy Daniels. Thoughts raced through my mind wondering just how many of Trump’s attorneys fought really hard to retrieve that hush money back. I needed to stall. Beat these guys in their own chess game.
“Bob! Please address me as my proper name Bob!”
Debra leaned in so she could whisper me something that only I could hear. “Relax I got this.”
The judge didn’t like the secret whisper. “What’s going on over there! Are we now keeping secrets from the court?”
Debra immediately walked over towards the judge for a side bar.
“You’re honor. Would it be okay if we refer to him as Bob?”
“Huh?” Said Honorable Wilkens.
Debra snickered. “Just trust me. It’s too long of a story to tell. But 44
A Secret Spyder Verse he in fact did technically pay for Bob several years ago.”
The judge was growing impatient. He even reddened in the face.
He leaned towards her so only she could hear. “It’s been a long day! Just do what ya gotta do!”
Debra immediately ambled her way over to me realizing that there was in fact turkey dinners waiting for people at home.
“Okay Bob! Would you mind telling the courts what you were doing on the afternoon of April 4th?”
“That was three months ago. How am I supposed to remember way back then?”
“Do you recall becoming alarmed just a couple days after submitting a welfare application?”
“I dunno, gotta little spooked during some spring cleaning I suppose.”
45
A Secret Spyder Verse Spencer sprung from his chair. “Objection your honor! We already know the witness has a mental disorder how is he supposed to remember precise details from three months ago?”
I could tell the judge wanted no objection hiccups with this proceeding.
“Overruled counselor. Let her question him. Carry on Miss Cyan”.
Debra pulled out a white 8.5" X 11" piece of paper from her notes and stuffed it in front of my face. I knew I was fucking up royally at this point. Most likely the audience spotted the petrified look on my face as the memory invoked my mind. There was really nothing I could do to hide it. I had been outsmarted by the Debra. I had been outsmarted by the police. All of this. The whole alleged welfare fraud convictions were nothing more than a hoax to prevent me from prepping for my testimony. I was the deer in the headlights. No wonder my brother and sister weren’t here today.
They wouldn’t be able to hold their emotions together for a court hearing like this. No way in hell.
Debra went on. “Talk to us Bob. Do you remember pulling a receipt out of your heater that looked just like this?”
46
A Secret Spyder Verse I had no choice but to look at the printed image Debra was stuffing under my nose. Blew it. All within a brief second I had just completely violated the hush money laws simply by the look on my face. I really wished right now I could reach an inspector Gadget arm across the room and borrow my Sister-in-law’s green hued eye contact lenses to get through this cross examination.
I didn’t give an absolute answer.
“I think I do recall pulling it out of the heater.” I said.
I was having flashbacks of April 4th. The only reason I had discovered the receipt lodged in the heater in the first place was because I questioned the homemade wick leading to it. It couldn’t be any more obvious that someone intentionally placed flammable items that ultimately led to a copy of a 666pg dossier I still hadnt thrown away yet. Civil case 49K06-1808-SC-003848 had been a big win for me years back and I had done all the work pro-se. I had refused at least three settlement offers before we finally settled despite my father advising me to accept the first one. I wanted the trial but wasn’t prepared for the tongue lashing I would receive from the civil judge for taking the case to trial after they were offering me more than I initially requested in the demand letter.
47
A Secret Spyder Verse The case had been meddled with numerous times and someone had hacked my laptop quite a bit. It got to the point where I asked the judge to speed up the trial date so I would no longer have to chain myself to my lawn chair to preserve the evidence.
Debra pushed on. “Do you recall lodging it in the heater?”
“No but I had been drinking the night before.”
Spencer sprung up from his chair. “Objection your honor! The witness just admitted he had been drinking the night before. He lives alone your honor. I just want to remind the courts he’s mixing alcohol with psychotropic medications.”
It abruptly got quiet in the courtroom. We all watched as the judge lowered his glasses and jotted some notes.
The judge then looked over at me. “You take psychiatric medications Mr.Stettler?”
I felt a little better. Like I mentioned earlier. I really needed my 48
A Secret Spyder Verse sister-in-law to get away with this attempted murder charge. I had absolutely
NO intentions of returning my hush funds. I had screen plays to finish writing that would need funding. It was even getting time for a better set of wheels. But the hush money was only a small part of the reason I needed a win for my sister-in-law, it had to do with some premonitions I was having. There was something big at stake here that I just wasn’t prepared to let go.
I crooked my neck like a giraffe towards the judge. Thanks to all the adjustments I had received from Spider Woman, my long neck was prepped up for Exorcist auditions.
I spoke matter-of-factly. “Yes that is correct your honor.”
I looked over towards my sister-in-law now leering quite a bit realizing she now had a good chance of skirting her way out of this. I even glanced at Spider Woman looking more confused than a dog being returned to a puppy mill.
Debra Cyan went berzerk. “There was no mentioning of drinking 49
A Secret Spyder Verse or medication use in the police report! Where is this newly found information coming from?”
I was starting to enjoy this. All Debra wanted was the truth and now I was about to send her on numerous roller coaster rides without even having to make one fib.
“What report? I never filed a police report?”
The prosecutor leafed through some notes. “Yes you did in fact. It’s right here. Police report 389283141. At this time I’d like to request the Lampeter officer that took the call to take the stand please your honor? I think my witness here might be getting confused.”
Oh I was confused alright. She had a police report number and everything. Just what kind of meds was I really on?
The Lampeter officer looked young and sharp. He even looked like an honest fellow. I didn’t like his honest characteristics because now the courts were going to believe EVERYTHING he said.
50
A Secret Spyder Verse The officer took the stand and didn’t look the least bit nervous.
Debra continued to cross examine him.
“Would you state your name for the courts please?”
“Sure. Officer Jenkins.”
“Did you handle police report number 389283141?”
“Yes I sure did.”
“Had Mr.Stettler stated that he had been drinking or was heavily medicated?”
“He did not.”
“How was his demeanor? Did he appear in any way shape or form intoxicated or under any influence of any kind?”
“No but it was duly noted that he was a bit shook up.”
51
A Secret Spyder Verse Once again Spencer sprung up from his chair.
“Objection your honor. We already know from Stettler’s previous statement that he clearly stated the night before. Obviously he would have been sobered up the next day.”
The prosecutor didn’t seem jarred by Spencer’s observation. She continued her questions.
“Okay that’s fine we can argue that later. But please tell us officer why had Mr. Stettler phoned the police? What was his chief complaint?”
The officer quickly fixed his hair while he reminisced. “I don’t remember entirely just something about a receipt.”
That was what Debra was looking for. She immediately raced over towards me, got in my face, and pointed her papers at me.
“Ah ha! You see. So then there WAS IN FACT a police report.”
52
A Secret Spyder Verse I looked at Spencer and gave him
The look. It was typically the look I would give when something was definitely out of kilter. He knew of it all too well. He even knew my history of extreme tangents I went off on.
I scratched my head. “I honestly don’t remember the police report like I mentioned earlier. I take psychotropic medications and suffer high blood pressure. When my blood pressure gets high I forget things.”
Spencer cut in. He hemmed and hawed a bit before he spoke.
“Your honor if I may. I’d like to question the officer.”
The judge was getting more interested in the case by the minute.
“Sure. Make it quick. I think Deb has more to say.”
“Yes understood your honor. Officer Jenkins, this police report you speak of. When exactly was it filed?”
53
A Secret Spyder Verse The officer scratched the top of his forehead while he tried to think back. “Oh gosh, hard to remember the exact date. I mean….that had to of been like at least two years ago.”
The courtroom went nuts. Even the judge could barely contain his giggles. The moment was priceless. Believe it or not the moment was so hysterically funny that I couldn’t steel myself to laugh like the others because the shocked look on Spencer’s face was priceless.
Spencer curtailed his chuckles. “So this alleged attempted murder happened just a few months ago but the police report was A FEW
YEARS AGO?”
Everybody in the courtroom was laughing but Debra, me, and yes even Spider Woman didn’t seem amused by this egregious error in Debra’s case. The only reason I couldn’t laugh was because this was a major embarrassing moment for the prosecutor. The prosecutor former attorney I dare say. This meant that her attorney agency had majorly screwed up not only once, but twice.
It was her agency's big 2012 screw up that costed me 9 months in prison when the only crime I was guilty of was sitting in my quiet seat chair waiting on a long overdue paycheck from a flagging 54
A Secret Spyder Verse company that had a history of stealing from it’s employees. I later learned in life that the flagging company was merely preparing me for the world of trucking where the pilfering would become even greater.
The officers in the back laughed the most but once the judge managed to stifle his giggles he beat down on the gavel.
“Order! Order I say! Okay ladies and gentlemen. I think it’s time we take a 15 minute recess.”