18
“Fake memory?” Doctor B asked with surprise.
“Yes.”
“But as far as you told me, it sounds like the symptom of schizophrenia.”
“At first, I thought that too.” Doctor A rubbed his chin. “But from testing concentration, logic and reason relation, and other several tests, everything is in standard rate, so I had to cut that symptom out.”
“What had he done… to those girls?”
“From his working background, he was an exceptional and motivated therapist. However, not long after that, his guilt changed into something else. It becomes the thought we see as disgusting.”
“Lust.”
“He calls it love.” Doctor A smiled. “Many times, when we’re in love, lust will follow, and that’s the beginning.”
Doctor A paused a while before continued.
“He started to use his psychological skill to manipulate those girls to do whatever he wanted. He played with them as if they were toys. Play with them with force. He played until each of them broke, or he got bored with her.”
“And how did he escape?”
“Many girls had weak minds. Just some threatening or leading words were enough. I told you that Mr.C was brought here because he was charged with obscenity, right? However, what happened after that was a bloodbath.” Doctor A turned his head to a side. “After he played with a girl until he was satisfied, he would get rid of her with malice methods. You might be wondering why killing with disgusting methods would make him happy. The scar his family left on him started to reveal itself again. He became a reflection of the man he hated the most.”
Doctor B watched Doctor A for a while before continued writing on the paper.
“Your eyes tell me you disgust my patient, right?”
“I don’t have a right to disgust any patient.”
“I know how you feel.” Doctor A smiled. “But I want to ask you something. Why do you hate him?”
“Doesn’t it normal to be disgusted and condemn such action?”
“I can’t change your mind.” Doctor A laughed lightly. “Anyone knows about this case feel the same as you. For me, I think they tell the story of Mr.C a bit harsher than it actually is. It’s probably the same for most gossips.”
“What do you want to say?”
“I just want to ask you that you’re disgusted by his actions because they’re really disgusting.” Doctor A leaned his face close to Doctor B. “Or, actually, you can’t accept the difference. You’re a psychiatrist. You understand that he was ill, but you still look at him with such weird feeling. I want to ask you that you see him strange because you don’t understand him, or do you see him strange because he wasn’t the same as you, or because he was different from what the social expects him to be? That’s why you think what he had done was wrong… because of these reasons?”
“You win.” Doctor B raised both hands between his face.
“Thank you for understand what I’m talking about.” Doctor A smiled.
“And how is your patient now?”
“He’s dead.” Doctor A replied. His voice was a bit sad. “After he realized that he’d done something terrible, he decided to end his life.”
Doctor B nodded. Sometimes, silent was the best reply you could give.
“If you were in the same situation as his, which way would you choose?”
“Me?” Doctor B rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “I can’t answer.”
“You can simply tell your opinion.”
“I don’t want to tell my opinion on this subject.” Doctor B shrugged. “I think I don’t really understand it. I might be able to give you an answer, but if I have to face the real situation, I might do otherwise.”
“That’s a safe answer. I like it.” Doctor A laughed. “I want to admire his choice, but, this is between us, for me, I think it’s too sad that he died like that.”
“I understand.” Doctor B smiled to console him.
Doctor A paused briefly before continued. “Let’s get back to our topic. I want to ask you again. What do you think is the most reliable thing?”
“My answer is still the same. It’s our self. I think the story you told me is just too far from the reality.”
“It isn’t.” Doctor A shook his head. “It’s closer to us than you think.”
“Can you give me an example?” Doctor B said while tapping the pen on the table.
“Have you read self-help books? The ones that want you to tell yourself what you want to be in front of a mirror for 30 days, and after that, you’ll become a new person?”
“I have.”
“A person told me that lying to yourself purposely and methodically can create a new character for yourself.” Doctor A leaned back. “It’s a tool that can give us everything we want, isn’t it? However, looking for the other perspective, I think it’s also a dangerous tool.”
“Why do you think that?”
“If the one who uses this tool isn’t us?” Doctor A tilted his head a bit. “If the lies are from someone else’s mouth? For example, I’m repeatedly told by everyone in this world that I’m the person I am not. If I listen to them long enough, what will happen to me?”
“Your character will tend to change as you’re told.”
“Exactly.” Doctor A smiled with satisfaction. “If it’s like that, how can we believe in ourselves? If our beliefs and our memories are not the right ones, where would it lead our life? And something we called ‘self,' what exactly it is?”
“What you’re saying is indeed interesting. However, to be told by everybody in the world repeatedly like that is impossible.” Doctor B raised his eyebrows.
“Yes, it’s impossible.” Doctor A smiled. “But as I told you, it’s closer to us than we think. Sometimes, your memories or beliefs don’t have to be fake. You just know or believe in wrong information or having a few people repeatedly tell you that. Can you be confident that that information won’t get back to harm you?”
“I understand.” Doctor B noted down on the paper before smiled.
Suddenly, the bell rang. Doctor B looked at his watch before turned to Doctor A.
“Time’s up.” Doctor B smiled. “Thank you for your time for giving us this information. We have to move to the next step.”
“Bring it on.” Doctor A rubbed his chin. A light smile decorated his youthful face.