17
I picked up the phone in the middle of a lonely night.
Suddenly, I heard a scream. It was a cry of pain and sorrow.
I hung up immediately.
After I was hunted down, my life began to change.
I awoke frightened every time I heard a noise: the sound of switches turning on and off, the wind blew on the window, or even Dad’s light footsteps. I often dreamt of a telephone placed in front of me ringing, following with the sound of beating on the door. Among the chaos, I could only hide under a thin blanket, waiting for him to get close to me.
The night was no longer a peaceful time for me. I woke up in the dark from fear.
I despaired the birds singing, and the light shone into my room. I hated when I had to leave the house. After the accident, this was the only safe place for me. Every time I stepped out of the house, I would hear whispers and was extremely nervous every times I saw someone. I didn’t know which was the reality or an illusion anymore. I felt him followed me everywhere.
My life would never be safe again. Not anymore…
The only time I felt comfortable was when Ton walked me home. However, after we came back from the old house, Ton seemed to change. He seemed like he had something in his mind all the time. I could only look at him from afar and felt guilty that I’d pulled him into this trouble.
The happy time was short. The moment Ton’s back disappeared was the time the nightmare began. Every time I opened the door, I felt someone’s eyes on me. The cold ran down my skin. My hair rose. The feeling remained even after I was in the house. If I couldn’t find the truth as soon as possible, I would never be happy again. The rest of my life would be caged inside the loop of despair. Every breath would be full of hopelessness.
I hated to live my life like this. I had been fed up with this useless life.
The extreme despair led me to seek for death.
When this life didn’t worth living, then I… I…
I put the knife on my throat. The hand holding the knife shook with fear. I took a deep breath before started to press it down.
If I couldn’t live happily again, this life would be worthless. If I had to sink in this never-ending despair, I should die.
I should just die.
I hold my breath, closing my eyes tightly before pressed the blade harder. Blood started to seep out and dripped down my neck. A tear slowly broke off my lids.
The second I would cut my throat, I heard a familiar whisper.
“Because I’m your Dad.”
“Are you ready, princess?”
My eyes opened wide. All of my strength left the body. My hands started to loosen, and the sharp knife dropped on the floor. The sound of metal hitting the ground resonated throughout the room. I fell down slowly and started to cry in silent.
After I had cried until I had no tear left, I observed the handle of the knife under the moonlight. The handle had some letters crafted on it. I looked closer and ran my finger through each of them slowly.
T O N
Ton.
I hold up the knife with the yearning in my mind. Ton gave me this pocket knife when we went back at the old house. He wanted me to use it to protect myself.
But I chose to use it to end my life.
I fold down the blade before hold it to my chest. The cool touch started to spread. Ton must be sad to know that I used his gift to harm myself.
I hold the knife tightly. Tears ran down my cheeks. He always tried to help me… but I… I…
Suddenly, my phone rang. I looked at the screen slowly, wiped the tears from my face, and put the knife in my pocket before received the call.
“Dream, this is Ton.” Ton said expressionlessly.
“What happened?” I asked, trying to suppress the shaking inside my heart.
“I have something important to tell you. Can I go over to your house now?”
“Now?” My eyes opened wide with surprise. “But it’s very late.”
“This is important.” His voice became more serious.
“It’s something that can lead us to the truth.”
Ton walked into my house without saying a word. He looked around sharply as if he was trying to find something.
I closed the door before walked over to him.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
Ton remained silent. He lowered his head a bit before walked up the stairs. I followed him confusedly.
While he was on the stairs, he glanced at the photos in the frames that placed on the shelf beside the stairs. Most photos Dad chose to put there were the pictures of him and me when I was young. Only a few was the pictures of the whole family. I usually walked pass them without paying attention, but when I looked at them now, I felt pain inside.
Sometimes, we were so busy with living our lives until we forgot about dream, love, and happiness in the past. I was one of the people who lived along the current in the society. I forgot the young me that was once full of vital and love. I’d already forget what I used to dream of.
After we were in my room, Ton sat down by the low table. He looked around the room blankly before turned to me.
“Dream, let’s play the Milk Jigsaw.”
“What?” I raised my eyebrows. “Didn’t you say you have something important to tell me?”
“I’ll tell everything while we’re playing the game.” Ton said. “And can you bring the photo album over here? The photos on the stairs, too. We’ll need them.”
I did as Ton said with confusion. I took the photos off the frames before headed downstairs and brought the photo album Dad took it out to look the other day.
Why did Ton come here? What was his plan? I thought. And the thing he told me that would lead us to the truth, what was it?
I walked back into the room and put everything on the floor. Ton nodded at me before spoke.
“Sat down. Let’s start the game.”
I followed his words confusingly, picking up a white piece while glancing around the board before putting it down precisely.
Ton looked at the board briefly before putting a piece down. He turned to the album and opened it. He looked at each photo carefully.
“Can you tell me now?” I said. My voice tainted with annoyance. “Why are you here?”
Ton stared at a photo before lifted it up.
“Have you seen this photo?”
“I have,” I said while putting a piece into its place. “Every photo you choose I’ve seen them all, but none can ignite my memory.”
Ton nodded slowly. He closed the album before took a puzzle piece and placed it precisely.
“Before I start, I want you to promise me one thing.” Ton said expressionlessly. “I want you to listen to me silently and answer only when I ask. I’ll answer your every question after I’m done speaking.”
“Okay, I promise.” I nodded, feeling a bit irritated That Ton made a condition. He’d never been like this. It revealed that this was something crucial as he claimed.
I didn’t feel good about this.
“I told you before that you seem to reject your illusion, right?”
“Yes,” I replied. “When you asked me, I couldn’t describe what I saw. I felt like there was something blocks me from my own memory.”
“Umm.” Ton nodded. “And you said you don’t remember that anything occurred in the illusion actually happened? Can you remember your last day in that house?”
“I remember. I think I can remember all important events in that house.” I answered. “But I certainly can’t remember everything happened. I asked Dad about whether someone had broken into the house. He said no.”
“Have you felt strange when thinking about some of your past?”
“No,” I said while placing a piece on the board. My mouth opened slightly to ask out of my curiosity, but the promise I gave Ton stopped me in time.
Ton sighed and looked up at the ceiling. His eyes were full of concern.
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked.
“Can you remember about the wasp in front of that house?”
“Sure.”
“If you believe that it’s a wasp, you’ll walk away from it.” Ton said. “However, in reality, it’s just a small insect that could never harm you.”
Ton lowered his head a bit and picked up a puzzle to place on the board.
“It reminds me of a professor. He was a genius psychiatrist but instead of using his knowledge to heal people’s minds. He chose to use his skill for the science of psychology.” Ton sighed. “It’s a shame that such a genius had to leave this world early.”
I looked at Ton, feeling the pressure rolled off his body.
“This professor believed in a new psychological theory. He claimed it’s something that will change the world.” He said. “He once quoted the person invented this new theory, ‘if we lie to ourselves in a controlled environment and add some faith properly. Then, keep doing it despite the uncomforting inside our minds. We can get everything we want’. He said it can be used with everything. It can change a simple belief into the truth.”
He adjusted his position and looked at me uncomfortably.
“I’ll ask the last question.” He said.” Dream… have you ever remembered something wrong?”
I nodded, so he continued.
“And how does it affect you?”
“It made me doing things in the wrong way.” I raised my eyebrows.
“Yes, it makes you doing things in the wrong way.” He repeated. “And if you believe everything wrong, where will this situation lead you to…?”
Ton lowered his head a bit. My instinct was whispering that what he was about to say was the truth that I shouldn’t know.
It would change my life forever.
“What are you trying to say?”
Ton sighed. He closed his eyes and mumbled something to himself.
“After that day… the day we went to survey that house together, I think of something.”
He moved his face closer to mine. Both of his eyes were shaking.
“Dream… you said none of your memory was missing, you’re not wrong.” He said. “You haven’t forgotten anything. About you refuse some of your memories, too, you don’t refuse them by trying to forget about them.”
“You… what do you mean?”
Ton lowered his head. The heavy feeling weighted down both his body and mind. When he looked up, his eyes revealed that his faith was shaken.
“Dream…” He whispered. “Your memories are fake…”