2
White jigsaws were moved to join the other pieces. The secret of emptiness was about to reveal.
Ton used his finger to move a jigsaw to the middle of the board. He looked at the spaces thoughtfully before filled it one by one.
“How can you know?” I asked.
“It’s not that difficult. If you look carefully, you can see its pattern.” He answered.
I took a piece from a box beside us, trying to find the place to put it. Secret always challenged me.
“If you can’t find it, you can let me do that.” Ton smiled mockingly while reached out his hand.
“Stop that. If I have enough time, I can do this too.”
I stared at the board for a while before raised my hands in resignation. Ton laughed lightly and took the piece from my hand. He found its place quickly.
“Milk Jigsaw is probably not my thing.” I signed.
“That’s not strange. It’s a blank jigsaw anyway.”
“But you can do it.”
“I played this since I was young. I play it so often that I’m very familiar with its pattern. If you are familiar with it, you’ll know it’s not that hard.”
I signed again while looking at the white pieces in front of me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t understand them. Well, but that was a charm of this game, too.
Milk Jigsaw is a blank puzzle. Every piece was completely white. To make it a whole image, you needed more time and brain than other types of the jigsaw. When people plays jigsaw, they typically anticipated a beautiful picture hidden in the small puzzle pieces. For me, putting blank pieces together was a challenge. The final result might not be a beautiful image. However, if you looked carefully, these blank pieces were filled with the effort and time we spent on them. It was pure happiness.
Ton paused to think for a minute before putting a piece into its place. Every time he used his brain, it was as if the air around him stopped and became a wall that kept him away from the outside world.
“It’s strange that someone likes this game like me.” He said without looking up.
“Yeah. I’m surprised, too.”
Ton’s words reminded me of Bill. I dated him four years ago. Bill had never liked this game. He said that puzzle was nonsense. I mocked him every time he said that.
“Bill, the secret is for people with a brain. It’s normal that you don’t like it.” I said.
“You’re saying I’m stupid!?” Bill shouted.
Something like that happened a lot. Bill used to be a good boyfriend but then everything changed…
I caught him doing some illegal stuff. That was the end of our relationship.
However, that was not the only reason I broke up with him. We argued a lot. Bill was a jealous and violent man. He thought that every man came talking to me wanted to steal me away from him. He fought with men got close to me several times. His violent caused him to be repelled from school not long before his graduation.
Moreover, our attitudes didn’t get along. Differences might not be a problem for others, but it was for him. Bill looked at everything as black and white. Nothing was in between for him. He had never accepted different opinions. Whatever he believed was the only right thing for. Bill usually hit me when we fought. He was the reason I was afraid of men up until now.
At the last moment, before our relationship broke, he wanted to take our relationship a step further. I refused him every time. The different needs made everything worse. Bill tried to break into my house to get what he wanted. My father and I called the police when he tried to break in, but the laws couldn’t stop him. What he wanted, no matter how to get it, he would get it.
Not long after that, Bill just disappeared from my life. I didn’t know what happened to him, but his absent was a good thing for me. My life went back to normal after that.
I closed my eyes, trying to forget what happened at that time. It was the past. There was no reason to think about it now.
“You’re like that again, Dream.” Ton said.
“I’m like what?” I raised my eyebrows.
“You space out a lot.” He rubbed his chin. “You know? Sometimes I think you’re like these Milk Jigsaw.”
“Don’t make a weird comparison.” I adjusted my glasses.
“It’s not weird. When I play this game, I’m often thinking of you.” Ton said and laughed at the same time.
I lowered my head slightly before asked in a small voice. “How I like this game?”
“Remember the first day we met?”
I looked up and rolled my eyes. The first time I met Ton was two years ago. I usually went to sit at the university library. It was hard for me to fit in with the new surroundings. I came to study here knowing nobody and making new friends was so just not my thing.
When I was in high school, before my father and I moved to this place, I used to fight with my Dad. I wanted the freedom to make my own decision like other kids, but my Dad always refused my opinions. He didn’t believe that I can make a plan for my own life. Every second, every thought, my Dad planned everything for me. He tried to build a new me according to his own wish. Not what I wished and wanted to be.
My father chose who my friends should be and blocked out people who he thought unworthy. I endured his control painfully. Danced with the songs he composed. I often felt that I wasn’t his child, but a puppet that must do as he ordered and moved by the thread controlled from above.
Our relationship became worse each day. Our fights became more severe gradually. I started to rebel. I mingled with the back room kids, dressed brightly, dyed my hair, and neglected my study. I did everything I could. I did everything to mock my father. I even ruin my life so that I could be free.
Our war was dragging long, but it ended well. It ended with nothing broken.
Finally, Dad understood my pain. He lessened his control and tried to change himself. He paid more attention to my opinions. We still had some disagreement, but now it was the way it should be.
A large wound would leave a scar behind, however. The result from those conflicts caused me unable to fit in the social. I hated change. I lived my life alone. No friend. No companion. Nobody understood me. I heard screams every time I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, there was only the sound of the lonely wind. It didn’t matter how much I wanted to pour my feelings. Only emptiness was there to console me.
At that time when the dark covered my life, I met Ton. He always came to play jigsaw at the library. At first, I only looked at him from far away. However, not long after that, I gathered up my courage and went to greet him.
Ton was a psychology student. I used to think that students from this faculty would be hard to understand, but Ton wasn’t the case. He was an ordinary young man living his simple life. He looked for freedom and happiness others.
We shared many traits and interests. Our relationship grew so fast. Every day after classes, I would meet him here. We would play a few games before heading home. It was such simple activities, but it made me happy.
“Umm. I remembered.” I nodded.
“The first time I saw you. I felt that you’re different.” He said. “You looked so lifeless as if you had no emotion at all.”
“It was that bad? I think I was rather lively.”
“Probably, but you now isn’t the same as the you at that time. The first times I saw you I thought of snow, something white. You looked so… empty, but quite mysterious at the same time.”
I smiled before leaned closer to him. “And now? How am I now?”
“You seem…” Ton said. “More silly than I thought. I don’t understand myself why I’d thought of you like that earlier.”
“Scum.” I hit his shoulder lightly and laughed.
“Well, what should we do now? I really don’t know the next move.” Ton said and pointed at the jigsaw on the table.
“Yeah.” I rubbed my chin while looking around. Suddenly, my eyes fell on a young man sat not far away from us. I called him in a small voice.
“Max. Max, come help us.”
A short, thin man slowly rose from his seat and walked to us. He looked tired.
“W- what’s the matter, Dream?” Max said while adjusting his black vest.
“Ton and I can’t finish this game. Can you help us?”
Max sat down next to me. He looked at the puzzle only a few minutes before putting every piece into places. They were in the right places only in a blink.
“I- it’s done.” He said.
“Thanks a lot.” I smiled at him.
“How can you do that? We’ve tried for hours.” Ton complained.
“I- I just know.” Max replied.
“Brilliant.” Ton smiled. He showed his gratitude sincerely.
“Very well done, Max. Unlike certain someone here…” I said.
“Never miss a chance to mock, huh, Dream?”
“I’m innocent.” I smiled.
After that, I started fighting with Ton. Max laughed lightly beside us. We were so loud that the librarian came over and asked us to leave.
We left the library and headed to the cafeteria. Suddenly, Ton became unwell.
“Are you alright?” I asked.
“Do you have a painkiller, Dream? I think it begins again.” Ton asked me.
“I don’t have some with me. Do you, Max?”
Max rampaged his bag for a while before took out a bottle. Ton nodded his thanks and took some pill from the bottle.
“Sorry, but I have to go now. I don’t think I can manage to go anywhere anymore.”
“It’s fine.” I nodded.
Ton was like that many times before. The doctors couldn’t explain the source of his symptom. It made his life complicated sometimes, but he never saw it as a problem. What he did was smiling and paid attention only to what make him happy. I wanted to be like him, but I wasn’t strong enough.
Ton waved us goodbye and walked away. Max turned to look at me and tried to said something.
“What?” I asked.
“Dream. L- let’s have lunch together. O- Okay?”
“Umm. Let’s go.” I smiled.
Max and I used to live in the same neighborhood. I remembered that he was a lively boy. Max used to be called genius. He always got the first place in classes without even trying. Max also shined in extra activities. He won gold medals from almost all types of sport in the sports days. Children from other classes used to ask the teachers to limit the number of sports Max could participate; otherwise, the other kids wouldn’t have a chance. The teachers had to agree so that everybody could have fun together.
Not long after I moved, I heard that Max had some problem with his family and ran away. Max disappeared for months before came back in the battered stage. He couldn’t remember what happened after he left home. Nobody knew where he had been during that time. Even the police couldn’t have an answer.
Max seemed to change completely. His liveliness was replaced with silence. Max used to be so friendly and have a lot of friends. He now tried to avoid people. He abandoned sports and activities he used to like and closed himself from the others, building a high wall and hid behind it.
I used to envy Max. He had everything I ever wanted. Freedom, skill, happiness. Every time I fought with Dad, I would look out the window at that vibrant boy. The boy usually looked back and smiled at me. I gave him my lonely smiles. My heart was squeezed with the loneliness that was unable to put into words.
Max was quite a unique young man too. He always wore a black vest no matter how the weather was. Even when he stood so far away, I could recognize him immediately.
“What do you want to eat?” I asked.
“L- let’s go to the cafeteria a- and see.”
We walked to the cafeteria that located in the opposite of the library. When we got near, I noticed a man leaned on the wall at the entrance. I grabbed Max’s wrist and left right away.
“W- what’s wrong?” Max asked.
“I want to try another place.” I smiled.
Suddenly, there was a shout, and I heard heavy footsteps approaching. I tried to run away, but Bill was faster. He rushed in front of me and lifted both arms to block the way.
“When will you stop trying to run away from me?” Bill asked.
“When will you stop following me around? Everything ended four years ago.” I countered back.
“It doesn’t like I want to do anything to you. I just want to talk.”
“We have nothing to talk.” I turned around, but Bill grabbed my wrist before I could leave.
“I’m not done talking,” Bill said. “and I won’t stop if you won’t talk with me properly.”
I suddenly lost my strength and tried not to fell on the ground. His touch was the touch from hell. Even I had the long sleeve jacket covered my skin, my fear was still there.
Images from the past rushed back to me. Every time Bill grabbed my wrist, it would end up with him beat me severely. The moan of pain still resonated in my mind. Soft skin touched the cold concrete floor. Blood spread. I heard a faint breathing. It was like the sound of a clock ticking to the time of eternal sleep.
“Uh. Y- you.” Max took hold of Bill’s arm. “I- I think you shouldn’t do this.”
“And who the fuck are you?” Bill shook his arm violently.
“I- I…” Max’s voice was shaking. “I’m her friend.”
As soon as Max finished, a fist hit his face directly. Bill continued to hit Max until he fell and moan from the pain.
The university had two main gates. Both gates had security guards stood by. However, it didn’t matter how strict those guards were, Bill could leak in every time.
People started to gather. So many people came to watch, but nobody offered to help. They were worried that the moment they tried to help my problem would become their problem.
Even with lots of people staring, Bill hadn’t stopped. His kicks crushed the defenseless man several times sending Max’s puny body to fly away. I tried to stop him, but it was useless. Nothing could stop Bill’s madness.
“Moron.” Bill spat on Max. He lifted his foot, preparing to finish the man on the ground.
“Enough! Please!” I cried, begging him.
“You started to talk better,” Bill said. “if you wanted me to stop, you must come with me.”
I was silence for a moment before agreed.
“Fine… I’ll go with you.”
Bill squeezed my wrist tightly. He pulled me and walked forward. I turn around to look at Max’s bloody body. He cried out from pain. His body shook with fear.
He shouldn’t be involved in something like this. This was my problem. No one should be hurt because of me ever again. Even I was so scared, I made up my mind to end this…
While we were about to leave the university’s gate, I heard someone shout.
“Dream! Let’s have lunch together!” Ton ran straight to me without hesitation. He pulled my arm and ran back to the cafeteria.
“Hey! Who the hell are you?” Bill shouted.
Ton stopped. He gave a friendly smile to the mad man. “Me? I’m her friend?”
“Let go of Dream and I’ll forget all of these.”
“I guess you don’t care about the guards here, but they’re different from guards at the other places, you know?” Tom smiled and pointed at the gate. “If you cause trouble here, you should have known the outcome.”
Suddenly, Bill swung a fist at Ton harshly. Ton dodged it easily. Bill tried to hit Ton again several times, but no matter how hard he tried, his fists couldn’t touch Ton.
The guards at the gate finally arrived to take control of the situation. They charged Bill, locking his arms tightly. Bill tried to attack Ton again and again, but the guards were a lot stronger than him. Finally, Bill had to submit his defeat.
When the guards dragged him away, Bill threatened Ton. “Remember this. The next time I saw you. You’re so dead.”
Ton pushed my head to his chest. He waved and smiled at Bill in a mocking manner. “So, I’ll keep Dream for today then.”
Since I knew Bill, this was the first time he gave up. Bill loved winning above other things. He wouldn’t back down until he crushed his prey into a mush and Ton just proved that how much better he was than Bill.
After everything had ended, Ton let go of me and ran back to Max. “Dream! Come and help me here!”
We brought Max to a hospital nearby. He was covered with bruises all over. His eyes were red from the bloodshot. He shook from pain and cried as if he was about to die.
Max was laid down on a bed. The doctor checked him a while before told us that he was covered with bruises and cuts, but his internal organs were safe. Max was still alright.
“Max was hurt because of me…” I said.
“It’s not your fault.” Ton replied.
I kept silence, so Ton continued. “That guy. Who is he?”
“My ex-boyfriend,” I answered. “I went out with him in high school.”
“You broke up with him now?”
“Four years ago. But Bill refuses to accept it. He thinks I still care for him, so he came to see me.”
Ton nodded, so I continued. “Why did you come back anyway? You were sick, weren’t you?”
“When I was about to leave, I heard some rucksack, so I went ahead to watch.” He smiled.
I lowered my head. “Thanks…”
His big hand rubbed my golden hair until it’s messy. He smiled at me.
“Don’t worry.” He said. “So, since you’re so tired today, this brother will walk you home, okay?”
They were such simple words, but this care meant a lot more than that. I smiled without realizing. Ton always made me feel safe.
We left the university and went into a narrow alley leading to my home. We chose this path because it was a bit safer.
On the way, I saw a teenage boy, about 15 years old, fought with a woman. I guessed she was his mother. This image reminded me of my past, the past that didn’t worth thinking of.
We walked pass them. I tried to ignore what happened over there. After a while, I asked Ton.
“Had you have a fight with your family?”
“Me? Umm… yes. Why?”
“Nothing…”
“So it means there’s something.” Ton smiled. “Just spill it out.”
“I… I… just envy.”
“You? Envy?” Ton raised his eyebrows. “You fought with your family a lot?”
“Um.” I lowered my head.
“If you want to talk about it, I’m here to listen.”
“It’s fine. I’m feeling better now.” I forced a smile.
“But from what I see, I think you’re still feeling bad.” Ton smiled. He hugged my shoulders gently. “I have my own problems, too. I think having problems from time to time are good.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Having problem is natural for a human. When we think in different ways, it’s not that strange to have a conflict.” He looked up at the sky. “But you know? If you look at it from another side, a problem is a difference, and that difference makes us have our own place. I think that’s a good thing.”
“Is that so? You’re really optimistic.” I laughed lightly.
“Thinking of good things is better than thinking of bad things.” He smiled. “Moreover, I think a problem is proof of any relationship. If we can go through it, we’ll understand and accept what the others are more than we already do. What do you think?”
“No objection, mister.”
“Very well.” He smiled. “It seems that this little is feeling better.”
We laughed together. Ton could make me feel better without even trying all the time. Sadness made time go slower. Happiness made time run faster. In a short while, we arrived at my house. Ton waved me goodbye before walking away. I watched his back, feeling grateful for what he’d done for me.
“I’m home.”
I opened the door, took off my shoes, and left them on the shelf beside the door. Inside the house was darker than it normally was. The atmosphere was strangely silent.
I walked into the kitchen first then went to the upstairs. My father usually read a newspaper downstairs or cooked something in the kitchen when he had time.
While I was walking to Dad’s room, I heard some noise. I put my ear to the door and tried to listen better.
I heard something like baby talking from inside. I plastered myself closer to the door with curiosity.
The door was suddenly opened. I was startled for a second and used both arms to support myself before I would hit the floor. When I looked up, Dad was watching me with a sly smile.
“Eavesdropping on me?” He smiled. “You’re this big but still act like a baby.”
“I hadn’t seen you in the kitchen, so I look for you.” I smiled to cover my mistake. “Anyway, what are you doing, Dad?”
“Why don’t you come in and look for yourself?” He pulled me inside and walked back to his computer. On the screen, a child was laughing and singing happily.
“That’s… me.” My face was burning. “Close it!”
“Why? It’s adorable.” He laughed. “You are a lot cuter when you were young.”
“Dad!”
While we were taunting each other, I noticed the photos spreading on the floor. These pictures were full of precious memories. I picked one of them up and thought of the past.
“Why have they so little left, Dad?”
“Your mom asked for some. She asked me to burn some photos along with her body.”
Dad burnt our photos every remembering day of my mom. He usually chose the pictures that I was most clear on them and talked to my mom as if she was with him still. Even their marriage wasn’t that sweet, but the care they had for each other were unchangeable.
Dad and mom are divorced since I was young. Dad loved mom. However, mom wanted her freedom. She believed that women have rights to do whatever she wants and don't have to be bounded to house wife’s duties as the society wants her to be.
So, she chose to go the separate way.
My Mom and Dad divorced when I was little. I was living with my mom at first. She was somewhat strict, but we were happy. Everything was good until my mom passed away. Then, I moved to live with my Dad.
My Dad was five years younger than mom. Their marriage was arranged by my grandparents. Many had said that the wealth was more important than love, but I didn’t think so. I saw many couples’ lives crumbled because of the lack of love, including my own family.
Dad might be forced into a marriage, but he’d done everything he could for his family. He had worked really hard up until now to make sure that I would have a comfortable life. He dismissed his own freedom for the happiness of people around him. There might be problems among us, but I couldn’t deny the good deeds he’d done.
For a little girl, living in an uncompleted family was hard. We might not be poor, but childhood was a fragile time of life. Children need something money can’t buy. We need the completed love. I might have a father but not having a mother made me feel lost.
The stress was rising. The relationship became to plummet. The heavy burden had changed my Dad into someone unrecognizable. He began to avoid people, became stricter on me and everything around us, and was unable to forgive the mistake by his own daughter and the world. His pain expanded to everything surrounded him, biting and destroying until nothing was left.
I believed that the pass of my mother was the primary reason. Loneliness, pain, and worry were the keys that changed my Dad. That was the beginning of our broken relationship.
I always felt sad whenever I thought back to that time. My calling for freedom caused Dad even more pain. I was a stupid teenager who cared only myself. I alone was important. Only my feeling was worth. Only my thought was the right thing. That was the only thought I had at that time.
After all the problems had been solved, my Dad changed himself. He became his old self, the one who worked hard but still kept some happiness in his life. He interacted more with the others. He made people around him and even laughs. After tried so hard, he got what he deserved. Even his happiness was the thing that reminded me of my mistakes, but I was glad that I could see him smile again.
I shuffled through the photos. Not many from the time when I was a baby were left. Most of them were the photos I took with Dad. It was obvious that my Dad didn’t like taken a photo even he loved looking at the photos to memory the past.
“And this one? Where were we? Was it when we were on an island?”
“No. This one from when we were visiting a waterfall.” He mocked me. “You’re quite forgetful.”
I used to be an A-straight student. However, after our fight, I needed Dad to remind me a lot of things. I felt like my memory was getting worse. I had so many nightmares but barely remember any of them. I could remember only that Dad was there with me all the time. When I opened my eyes, guilt flooded in my mind. The pain from making mistakes never left me.
This strange might be the cause of my bad memory. I heard that sleeping was the time for resting, recalling, and rearranging memories. What we see in our dreams is what we see when we’re awake. Happiness and sadness at night are our feelings toward things in our day life. There were things that we have to endure, the responsibility for what we’ve done.
I dealt with my memory problem by writing a diary on days that something important happened so that I won’t forget the beauty of my life. I didn’t want to lose my precious memories again. Death might be painful, but emptiness was unbearable.
I looked at the photos with Dad, submerging in the happiness from the past. Those events might happen a long time ago, but the feelings were still there. I might forget so many things, but my feeling ensured me that I had been through those times with smiles on my face.
“Dad, do you remember Max?” I asked.
“Sure. Why?”
“Today Bill followed me into the university. Max tried to stop him and got beaten.” I lowered my head, feeling guilty for what had happened.
“Again? I think we should do something with this matter properly.” He sighed. “Max is a good boy. He shouldn’t have to be involved in something like this.”
I thought about the past. Max might not be that close to our family, but he’d never refused us. Dad wasn’t friendly, but Max never talked behind his back and always smiled at my Dad.
Max had come to my house a few times after we moved. At first, Max was nervous, but he settled in just fine not long after that. It was strange that Dad and Max were close to each other now. They’d never interacted that often in the past.
Now, they opened up to each other in many ways. Their ages might be a huge gap, but that didn’t stop their relationship.
I was glad about their relationship. It made my heart feel warm.
While I was looking at the photos of the mini-me, Dad took some photos from the album and looked at them with a smile before added them to the pile on the floor. I sat down and stared at the rushing away memories. Many things were erased, but they were still beautiful.
“I missed your mom.” He said, and I nodded in agreement.
“What would it be like if your mom still around?” He looked up at the ceiling. “We might be able to have meals together, talked together, and laughed together. We might be happier than now.”
“But I’m very happy now, Dad.” I hugged him. He smiled and rubbed my golden hair.
Suddenly, Dad remembered something.
“Right! It’s time to prepare dinner.”
“Dad, don’t,” I warned him. “Let me cook for you today.”
“No!” He smiled and shut down his computer. “I know how much you love my cooking.”
He ran fast downstairs. I sighed for his stubbornness.
Not long after that, I saw black smoke in the air. Burnt smell reeked everywhere. From inside the kitchen, the loud cough sound was as if it was a scream from a beast. I rushed to the kitchen, knowing that something bad was about to happened.
“Dad!” My fear rose. Bad scenes ran through my head on after another.
Before I could reach the kitchen, a big black shadow moved to the kitchen’s door. The cough sound was there. Dad tried to get up, but he fell. I came to support him and brought him to sit on the sofa before rushed back in the kitchen to turn off the gas.
The kitchen walls were covered with black smoke. A metal pot on the stove was burnt black. Whatever inside the pot now turned into ash. I let out a big sigh before started to clean after the mess my Dad began.
After finished cleaning, I came back to check on my Dad. He looked better now. It seemed there was nothing to worry about.
“Hadn’t I told you that you shouldn’t cook?” I teased him.
“I can’t help it.” He laughed. “You seem tired. I want to do something for you.”
“That should be my line.” I tilted my head a little and made a dark face. “You work too hard. It should be me who do something for you.
“You should let me do as I please and then clean up after me.” He laughed out loud.