Who’ll Throw the Shower?
There’s an ongoing debate – that can actually become quite
emotional and vocal – that tried to determine whether or not
a relative should throw the baby shower. Traditionally, the
view has been that a relative should not throw a baby
shower, because it can appear that the relative is requesting
gifts. Yet traditions change, and there are times when a
sibling, or a cousin, or an aunt might be the ideal and
somewhat convenient choice.
So what should you do? To answer this, we can respond
with the best, and sometimes most unsatisfying answer of
them all: it depends.
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Sorry, but it really does depend. If you hail from a rather traditional or conventional background, it may be wise to
see that a non-relative is in charge of the baby shower. In
addition, even if you, personally, are comfortable with a
relative throwing the baby shower, some of your guests –
who may be less comfortable with it than you – may object
(or just whisper about it behind your back).
Use your judgment here. Perhaps the most practical advice
is this: if you can conveniently and pleasantly not have a relative run things, then that will likely be the best route to
go. However, if that’s just not possible, plausible, or
preferred, then don’t feel like you’re someone from outer
space because you’re related to the mother-to-be. More and
more people are breaking with tradition; especially since
they feel that the perception of a relative “asking for gifts”
arguably doesn’t exist anymore.
Gifts (which we talk about further on in this book) are rather
integral to baby showers; it’s quite hard to imagine one
without gifts. Since that is the case, whether a relative requests them from those attending the baby shower, or a
non-relative requests them, arguably isn’t important to
those attending. They’re likely focused on what the baby
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shower should focus on: the mother-to-be, and a wonderful opportunity to share in her joy.
Now, there’s an amusing (at least from our current detached
perspective) on this that you should know about. Some
people may not want to run the baby shower. It’s assumed that if you’re reading this, that you’re quite happy with the
assignment, and you’d like to do some quality – and easy! –
research so that everything goes off without a hitch.
Yet if you aren’t the one whose holding the baby shower, but
perhaps the mother-to-be who is about to hand over this
book to a relative or friend who will hold the shower, then we should take a little time-out to talk about something
important.
A baby shower is a wonderful event that is filled with
laughter, love, and perhaps a few tears (of happiness). Yet
putting one together can require an investment of time. Not
a lot of time; not compared to, say, planning a wedding or for some people, planning a vacation.
Yet it’s fair to simply note that putting together a baby
shower does require some focus, and some time. If you’re
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about to nominate someone to take on this task, then please
bear this in mind; that person should understand that they’ll
need to do a little bit of work (but it’s fun work, of course).
And if you’ve been asked to put together a baby shower – or
if it’s just been assumed that you’ll do it – and you’re a little worried about your own lack of time available, then don’t
worry. This book will help you immensely. Furthermore,
nothing is stopping you from recruiting a deputy or two to help you with the details, such as preparing food,
refreshments, and helping with decorations and games.
When Should the Shower Happen?
This is an important question to ask, and of course, to
answer. And as usual, there are a few different viewpoints
on when to hold the baby shower. Fortunately, however,
these views aren’t as debatable as they sometimes are when it comes to whether a relative or non-relative should hold
the baby shower (as we discussed above). So don’t worry;
this is a rather easy and straightforward challenge to solve.
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Now, the real problem here is simply that there isn’t a clear answer to the question: when should the shower happen?
The answer to this will almost always depend on factors that
are specific to the mother-to-be, the guests, and other
issues.
So rather than providing a “one-size-fits-all” answer here –
which is something that we can’t do without knowing the
details of your particular baby shower – let’s just look at the
variables. Once you know these, you’ll easily be able to
determine when the baby shower should be held.
The Mother-to-Be
Let’s start with mother-to-be. She may have a preference
about when the shower should be held; and this preference
should be heeded. The father-to-be might also provide
input here, which is wonderful and should be part of the
overall decision-making process (we take a closer look at
“couples” baby-showers later on in this book).
What kinds of things might influence a mother-to-be’s
preference on when the shower should be held? Some of
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them prefer to have the shower when they’re showing; they may feel that there’s something more appropriate (for lack of a better word) about holding a shower when people can
actually see that a baby is on the way.
In practical terms, this means that a shower might be held
well into the second trimester, or into the third.
The Guests
As we all know, December is a season for parties and
events; both business, and personal. As a result, it may be
polite to not hold the baby shower during “party season”, as it may influence whether people would be able to attend (or
be able to relax when they attend, because they don’t have three more “get togethers” to go to after the baby shower!).
Furthermore, if you live in a wintry climate, it may be a
pleasant idea to not have the baby shower in the dead of
winter. True, life does go on in the middle of January and
people go to work and do many of the things that they want
to do (go shopping, go to restaurants, and so on), but if it
makes absolutely no difference to you and the mother-to-be
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(and/or the father-to-be) whether the baby shower is held in
late January or late April, then it may be advisable to choose
the latter; simply for climate concerns.
The Gifts
This is one that most people don’t think about until someone
brings it up, and then they say to themselves: ohhhh, yes,
that makes sense! Fortunately for you, you’re getting a sneak-peak at that thought well before someone at the baby
shower asks it!
As we all know, some people prefer to give gender-specific
gifts. While, indeed, times have changed and makers of
baby-related items are creating more gender-neutral items,
there’s still a large contingent of people who want to give
baby blue gifts to an impending son, or pink gifts to an
impending daughter.
In light of this, if the parents-to-be have decided to learn
the baby’s gender via ultrasound, and further decided to
share that information with the world-at-large, then it may
be very appreciated by the baby shower guests if you hold
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the shower after the baby’s gender information has widely disseminated. In other words: some people will be grateful
that they know whether a boy or girl is on the way before
they buy their gift.
Ultrasound gender diagnostic tests typically happen around
the 9 week mark of gestation (though it can be later in some
cases), and so this factor may influence whether you hold
the shower early on, or wait until this information is known
(assuming, of course, that the parents-to-be want to
know!).
Post-Birth Baby Showers
Some people are surprised to learn that many baby showers
happen after the baby has been born. Actually, this is quite common because, in addition to having the shower itself,
this timing affords guests the wonderful opportunity to
actually see the baby (and make all kinds of goo goo gaa gaa noises that we all love to make!).
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Holding a post-birth shower may also work out better in light
of other factors noted above, such as climate, and
preferences of the parents-to-be.
Sending out Invitations
Okay, here’s where things can be a little bit awkward.
Scratch that; here’s where some people dread being in
charge of a baby shower, because at issue is: who to
invite?
A good rule of thumb here is to work with the mother (and
ideally, the father) to-be in order to decide who should
attend, and who should be left off the list. This is a delicate
scenario and can cause a number of minor headaches (even
some major ones).
The problem is, simply, that while it would be ideal to invite
everyone who would want to attend, that’s just not
practical; either economically, or simply in terms of
planning. Ultimately, decisions will have to be made, and if
you can work with the parents-to-be to make these
decisions, the chances of making wise ones will increase.
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Once you’ve figured out who to invite – and this process can
take a few days of thinking and re-thinking – the next step
is to send out the invitations. Ensure that you do this well in advance of the baby shower. There are two major reasons
for this.
Firstly, you want to give your invitees enough lead time to
that if they do have something planned on the baby shower date that they can, if they wish, move those plans in order
to attend. If you don’t provide them with enough notice,
even if they want to change their existing plans, they might not be able to.
Secondly, you want to give people enough time to RSVP (i.e.
confirm their attendance). Some people are not the most organized people in the world, and as such they might not RSVP right away. As such, you want to give them a bit of
time to get to this on their ever-growing TO-DO list.
Now, there’s another issue here that we should discuss.
Some people think, or just assume really, that if you don’t
RSVP, that means you aren’t attending. That’s actually not
technically correct. RSVP doesn’t mean (even in the French
language from where it comes) that someone is going to
attend. It simply means: please get back to me on this.
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So what’s the issue? It’s that it can be a little disastrous to
assume that if you don’t get an RSVP, that people won’t
attend. Because some people will simply show up, and
when you say that you assumed they weren’t coming
because they didn’t “RSVP”, they may frown and say what
we’re pointing out here: RSVP, itself, doesn’t mean yes or
no. It just means: please respond.
Naturally, of course, people should RSVP and let you know if they’re going to attend. It’s the polite thing to do, without
question. But polite is one of those eye of the beholder terms; and people who haven’t invested several days of
their life to putting a memorable baby shower together may
not realize how impolite they are being by just showing up, unannounced.
So how do you solve this problem? Well, like all good
solutions: you head it off before it becomes a problem!
While you want to have all of your invitees RSVP, you should
make it utterly clear that you’d like a response regardless of whether they will attend. To that end, depending on the
size of your baby shower guest list, you should include a
self-addressed stamped envelope and a self-typed note with
each invitation that says something like this:
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Dear Mary,
You are warmly invited to attend a baby shower for
our friend Darla!
The shower will be held on April 15th at 1:30pm. It
will be held at my home, which is at 123 Main Street.
It’s just one block east of Main and 8th Avenue, and
ample parking is available on the street. If you need
directions, please call me at 555-1234.
We’d like to have a sense of how many of Darla’s
friends will be able to attend. Could you please fill out
this form below by checking in the appropriate box,
and then mail it to me in the self-addressed stamped
envelope provided? Please Send it to me by March
28th. Thank you so much!
(please check one)
I will be attending Jane’s baby shower on April 15th
at 1:30pm.
I regretfully will not be able to attend the baby
shower.
*** Remember: Please mail before March 28th in
the self-addressed stamped envelope provided.
THANK YOU! ***
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You can create any variation of this as you want. This is just
a simple little sample that highlights the things that you
should ask: whether an invitee is attending, or whether an
invitee isn’t. In other words, you don’t want any grey area here; you don’t want any default that says: I didn’t reply, so I’m not coming. A little note like the one above obliges, in a polite and tasteful way, your invitee to actively let you know
whether they’ll show up or not.
Now, if your baby shower guest list is smaller and it’s
feasible to do so, you may want to skip the mailing
campaign and just phone people up and ask them to attend.
If you have the time and the ability to do so (e.g. the guest
list is small enough for you to manage), this is the preferred
method. It gives your invitees the opportunity to ask
pertinent questions, such as whether the mother-to-be is in
any gift registry. Let’s talk about this right now.
To Gift Registry or Not to Gift Registry
This is another one of those fun decisions that involve the
mother-to-be, and probably the father-to-be, as well. Gift
registries are, generally speaking, wonderful inventions
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because the conveniently solve a lot of potentially confusing
problems, such as:
What will the parents-to-be want as a gift?
What gift items have already been purchased by
other invitees?
What price range is appropriate?
So with all of this evidence in favor of gift registries, why
might someone not use one? Well, there are few reasons.
The simplest reason is one of preference. Some people
simply don’t want to limit the range of things that guests
might buy; especially if some gifts aren’t typically found in
stores that offer registries. For example, some artistic
guests may want to create something for the baby; perhaps wooden mobile, or a beautiful picture to hang in the baby’s
room.
These kinds of items, by definition, can’t appear on a gift
registry; and so parents-to-be might wish to avoid using
one.
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Another reason is one of cost. Depending on the number of
people invited to the baby shower, and presuming that those
that have been invited attend, there may be a slight
awkwardness if the registry contains gift possibilities that
might frankly be outside of a person’s price range. This can
indeed be awkward.
For example, if 20% of the gifts in the registry are below,
say, $30, there is some possibility that these ones will be
snatched up first; thus leaving a latecomer to buy something more expensive, or risk buying something that isn’t on the
registry at all and therefore might not be wanted by the
parents.
To help deal with this situation, it’s possible for you (as the
organizer) for informally recommend that people band
together to buy certain bigger ticket items, like a crib or a stroller. In this way, people can still stay within their budget limitations, yet purchase something that the parents want,
and indeed, need (since babies can be very expensive!).
Remember, of course, that if you choose the registry route,
that you provide all the necessary details. It may also be wise to include your phone number if anyone has any
questions about gifts or the registry.
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The handful of people who may be stuck with the expensive
gifts may all call you around the same time, and you can
tactfully suggest that they all get together and purchase an
expensive item. Voila: problem solved!!