We had hard work to git through the gorgeous lookin’ crowd, every country and every nation wuz represented. Queens, flashin’ with jewels; flower girls, carryin’ baskets of flowers; kings, cardinals, monks, officers in brilliant uniform, fairies, Night covered with stars and a pale pearl moon in her forehead, and Mornin’ dressed in a rosy cloud with a sunburst of diamonds on her brow; Injuns, male and female, clad in short embroidered skirts and leggins and feathers in their long, straight locks. Eastern men and wimmen with long flowin’ robes, the wimmen with veils on, the men with strange simeters and weepons at their sides. And, in fact, think of any costoom under the sun and there it wuz before you. And, sure enough, the girl wuz right, lots and lots of folks appeared in their own clothes and wuz here as themselves.
Well, at last we come to the first booth, and I bought a little fan and a mite of a handkerchief for Delight, both dearer than beautiful, but havin’ that sufferin’ Heathen in my mind I paid quite cheerful, Josiah groanin’ some at the money I lavished on them two articles. But I whispered, “Remember what is said of the cheerful giver. Groans don’t become this enterprise and occasion, Josiah Allen.”
And then, hearin’ the money clink merrily down into the boxes of the booth tenders, I sez almost onbeknown to myself to the pretty girl who wuz doin’ up my things:
“I hope it hain’t goin’ to make him vain and overbearin.” And she asked me who I meant?
And sez I, “Why, that Heathen; he’ll be rich as a Jew by mornin’. I am most afraid such onexpected riches will make him hold his head and feet up above his mates.” Sez I, “If everything is sold as high as the things you’ve sold me, he will be independent rich.” She kinder laughed and said, “Oh, you know that things sold for charity are always higher priced.”
“Oh, I don’t begrech the money, not at all, and shouldn’t if I didn’t git nothin’ back. I wuz always sorry for that Heathen, and am glad to take holt and help him, but,” sez I, “I wuz wonderin’ what effect such sudden wealth would have on him, whether it would quell down his appetite for missionaries, or whet it up, you know you can never tell what sudden prosperity will do to anybody’s character.”
And she said, with a kinder shrewd look, that she guessed that the Heathen wouldn’t be enriched to any alarmin’ extent, for, sez she, lookin’ round the almost enchantin’ seen and down onto her own gorgeous costoom, “The expenses to-night have been something enormous, and the Heathen can’t have anything till the expenses are paid. And then,” she said, “it is very expensive to get the funds carried so far.”
“Why, yes,” sez I, “I know there would have to be a money order bought or sunthin’ of that kind.” But she smiled and went to wait on her next customers, and who should they be, for all the world, but my own son and daughter, Thomas J. and Maggie? They wuz real glad to see their Pa and Ma, and showed it. She looked very sweet in a thin, black lace dress, a white lace bunnet with some pink and white flowers in it, and some posies of the same color in her belt and bosom, white gloves and a white fan completed her pretty costoom. I wuz glad enough to see she, too, had come as herself, and so had Thomas J. come as himself. She bought a number of articles, and Thomas J. did, too.
But when I told them of my misgivin’s about the sudden wealth settin’ up the Heathen too much, and wished that I could talk to him a spell about the vanity of riches and the needecessity of his behavin’ himself as he ort to under his sudden change of fortune, Thomas J. said, “No need to worry, Mother, the Heathen won’t git enough out of this to hurt his character.” And he sez, when I commented on the fairy-like beauty of the seen:
“Yes, it is quite a change from a seen I witnessed to-day in Jonesville” (he is real charitable, Thomas J. is). “I found a family starving, Mother, really suffering for food—think of that, not five miles from here. The father and mother sick with fever, the children too young to work, they were too proud to beg, but at last they did send for me; I used to know the man. And Maggie and I carried enough to them for the present, and I sent for the doctor. We must all take hold and help them out, Mother, they are deserving and honest.”
And I told him warmly that I would. I would carry them a sack of flour and some butter and meat in the morning.
And Josiah sez, “Half a sack will do, won’t it? They can’t bake.”
And I sez, “You are right, Josiah, I will bake the bread and carry to them, and cook the meat.”
And Thomas J. resoomed, “Right round this very place, Mother, within five miles, I will find you fifty families where children are suffering for food and clothing.”
Sez Josiah (he don’t love to give and wuz afraid of the dreen on his resources if I took it into my head to succor the hull fifty families), “in lots of places the parents are lazy or drink.”
“But,” sez I warmly, “the children are not to blame, they are more to be pitied.”
“That is so, Mother,” sez Thomas J.
“But,” sez Josiah, “the town ort to take care on ’em.”
“Sometimes they are too proud to apply to the town,” sez Thomas J.
Josiah wuz openin’ his mouth to argy some more (he is dretful clost) when we felt and heard a great commotion runnin’ through the crowd, we wuz standin’ out a little to one side, and Thomas J. spoke real low, he had too good taste to openly show that he thought that Heathen might divide up a little with native sufferers. But, on advancin’ a little, we see the cause of the excitement. Miss Greene Smythe wuz advancin’ out of the hotel towards the big tent where she wuz goin’ to stand, and all who wanted to wuz led in by a usher to take her hand and kiss it, or jest shake it, as they wanted to.
Well, she wuz a sight, a sight as she passed onwards. She wuz dressed as Queen Elizabeth in that identical dress I had seen with the boddist a mass of jeweled embroidery, a great white ruff standin’ up round her face, with strings of precious stuns hung round her neck and blazin’ in her crown and strung on her dress everywhere, and her velvet skirt behind her trailin’ more than as fur from our front door to the gate, or so it seemed, all held up by two pages, as they called ’em. But I recognized their faces; they wuz two of the Danglers, I could see, with fancy dresses on, one pink satin and the other pale yellow, and their satin knee breeches only come down to their knees, where they wuz met by long silk stockin’s with glitterin’ buckles on ’em and their low slips. They had wigs powdered real gray and braided up on their backs with ribbin bows on ’em. And the one who locked arms with her, walkin’ by her side, they called him Leicester, but I knowed him, he wuz the other Dangler. He wuz dressed in a white satin suit, embroidered jacket, and knee breeches, and his breast all covered with orders, stars and crosses, all a blaze of jewels.
He walked clost by her side, carryin’ her fan, which wuz also shining with precious stuns, and he wuz fannin’ her most of the time. And the other two Danglers wuz jealous as I could see. I could see ’em knit their eyebrows, and I thought I hearn ’em grate their teeth. But I know I see ’em shake their fists at him onperceived by the gay crowd, so hollow is fashionable life, and so the worm of jealousy gnaws even the empty breast of a Dangler. Well, she entered the big tent follered by some Maids of Honor, Medora wuz one of ’em, and Courtiers and Lords in Waiting, as I hearn ’em called, and took up her position in the centre of the big tent on a sort of dais, they called it. I should call it a little platform covered with a velvet rug with the throne on it, a big chair, I guess, covered with handsome drapery. And the folks went up to speak to her, lots of the men, foolish lookin’ creeters, too, Kings and Cardinals and such, knelt down at her feet and kissed her hand.
Thomas J. didn’t, no, indeed! he addressed her as I remembered afterwards as, “Your Royal Highness.” I never thought on’t at that time, or I would mebby jined in the play, but somebody pushed on ahead of Josiah and me, and Thomas J. and Maggie wuz swep’ on by the crowd, so when I paused before her I jest sez, “How do you do, Miss Greene Smythe?” And, bein’ all wrought up about that Heathen, I couldn’t seem to help tacklin’ her then and there, for I felt that a delay of even a day or two might be too late, sez I, “You have got a splendid show here to-night and money is flowin’ like water for that Heathen, but for mercy sake don’t let that money go to him without a letter goin’ at the same time to warn that Heathen of the deceitfulness of riches, for I d’no,” sez I, “but he would break out and kick higher and devour more missionaries than ever if he hain’t warned in time.”
She smiled sort o’ queer, and Leicester whispered sunthin’ to her and sort o’ giggled, but I wuzn’t goin’ to be danted by a Dangler, I turned my attention to him for a minute, “You know,” sez I, “how soon pride can be overthrowed and trompled on.”
His face changed in a minute, the heels of that colt seemed to enter his stomach agin, and he looked browbeat and mortified. The Danglers behind her clapped their hands softly and seemed to enjoy my remarks dretfully. But the crowd wuz pressin’ on my rear and time wuz passin’, and I sez agin: “Come and see me if you can, before you send that money; I have got a number of Bible verses I would love to put in that letter, and a few tracks.”
She smiled agin that sort of a queer smile, and the crowd bore us on, I feelin’ the sweet calm of one who hasn’t shrunk from duty. Well, Josiah wuz bound to go into the big tent where more vittles wuz spread out than it seemed a hull army could eat, everything dainty and luxurious and rich wuz spread before us—kroketts, pattys, salads, cakes of every kind, some on ’em big as a big cheese, all covered with wreathes of posies made in the frostin’, and smaller ones of every shape and kind, and jellies heaped up in every color and form, all on ’em pretty, and moulds of ice-cream of all colors, frozen in pyramids and stars and musical instruments and everything else, and great banks of flowers banked up behind ’em, and tall vases of flowers standing amongst ’em, it wuz a sight, a sight.
Josiah enjoyed himself here the best that ever wuz, and we had a quiet corner all to ourselves, but anon, when so much time had passed that I fondly imagined his hunger must be slaked, the crowd had come in till the tent wuz full, and one man behind us spoke to another one: “The wine flows here to-night like water.”
“Yes, champagne, too; this spread must cost something.”
“Yes,” sez the other, “I guess old Greene Smythe will realize it when the bills come in.”
But I waited to hear no more. I ketched holt of Josiah’s arm, and sez I, “Let us flee from this place to once!”
And he sez, “Why?”
And I sez, “Ask no questions but foller me.” He hung back, but see I wuz firm. I had noticed that folks wuz drinkin’ sunthin’ out of glasses, not good, respectable coffee like my pardner and me, but spozed it wuz lemonade or sweetened water and vinegar, little did I think I had got into a winebibbers’ resort. But I see it wuz too true, for as we went out of the tent on another side I see a punch bowl as big as our caldron kettle and two pretty girls ladlin’ out the wretched stuff to the waitin’ crowd. We didn’t leave a minute too soon, but after we got outside Josiah sez:
“Now, will you tell why you snaked a hungry man away from his food? If it wuz anything besides pure meanness now is your time to tell it.”
So I told him the fearful fact, and sez, “Josiah Allen, look not upon wine when it is read.”
“Champagne hain’t red, nor punch, nuther.”
“Its effects are red with heart’s blood all the same.”
“Dum it all!” sez he, “don’t you spoze I know enough to not drink liquor when I am a Good Templar?”
Sez I, “Better men than you have been drawn away from the straight path, Josiah. Look at David,” and I wuz jest about to bring up Solomon and Noah, but he interrupted:
“I hain’t goin’ into no Bible controversy at this time of night, nor no dum W. C. T. U. talk.”
“Time of night,” sez I; “well said, Josiah Allen. Do you realize it is after twelve P. M.? We can’t git home till after half-past one if we start this minute.”
He recognized the wisdom of my remark, but still hankered, I could see, for some more vittles. And knowin’ the needecessity of the case, I sez, “It won’t take me but a minute to bile the teakettle; I will git supper after we git home; I have got everything baked up.” At this remark he yielded, and we walked along arm in arm, for I still felt there wuz danger of his breakin’ away from me and goin’ back into that place of temptation, and as we went by a good-sized tent, standin’ a little to one side, I heard the voice as of one elocutin’, and I immegiately sez to Josiah, “Less go in here a minute, I dearly love eloquence.”
“Yes,” sez he, “I can go in and hear ‘Curfew Must Not Ring To-Night,’ it will be a dretful treat!” and he added bitterly, “there hain’t a dog in Jonesville but what knows that, and will run from it; but I can tell you, Samantha Allen, Curfew will git tired of ringin’ for us if we don’t start some time.”
Sez I mildly, “I love to see folks act with some evenness. I couldn’t git you started from bodily food a few minutes ago, and now I want to feed my mind hunger a little you are in a dretful tew to start.”
“Well, come on then,” he sez. “I may as well starve here as on the road!” and he hurried me into the tent. But it wuzn’t “Curfew Musn’t Ring To-Night,” it wuz another piece, a sort of a tragedy, and spoke real good; the young woman did first rate.
Then the band played another piece, and then there wuz a great buzz of talkin’ and laughin’ goin’ on, but pretty soon Miss Greene Smythe, who had come in on one side of the tent with her Danglers danglin’ and her Lords in Waitin’ a-waitin’ and her Maids of Honor honerin’, etc., etc., she stepped forward a little and sort o’ shooed down the biggest noise about her, and when it wuz kinder still she said:
“We are going to have a great treat; we are going to have some b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l music.”
At that a girl minced forward with kinder nippy steps and planted herself on the little raised platform and begun to yell and scream at the very top of her voice with her face lookin’ like a trout havin’ a fit, you know what immense mouths they’ve got. Well, if yellin’ wuz a treat we got it. That female jest yelled herself red as blood in the face, and on the very topmost notes lifted herself up on her toes and shook herself as if she wuz goin’ into a spazzum, and finally stepped back fairly exhausted and pantin’. Miss Greene Smythe advanced and shook hands with her and told her what a sweet treat they had had, and how splendidly in voice she wuz to-night. And so she wuz if a car whistle or gong is ever in voice when it is rippin’ out its loudest, ear-pan-crushinest notes.
But I wuz wonderin’ all the time when the music that Miss Greene Smythe had spoke about wuz goin’ to commence, and I turned and accosted a female woman who stood right by the side of me, and who seemed to be guardin’ a brood of girls, she seemed to be watchin’ ’em as clost as any old hen ever watched a brood of ducks she’d hatched, but kinder mistrusted, not knowin’ what move they might make.
But thinkses I she’d better begun her watchin’ and care before she left home, for of all the sights they wuz I never see since I wuz weaned, I don’t believe I ever see such low necks in my hull life as they had, the hull caboodle on ’em. Why, my pardner jest glanced at ’em and blushed as red as a piney. I wuz proud on him to see his modesty, and instinctively stepped still furder between him and them. The Ma’s neck wuz kinder fat and flabby and wrinkly, and the girls’, the most on ’em, wuz real boney and scrawny. But one on ’em wuz quite fat and had a real pretty figger, I know, for I could see the hull on it, bones, fat or lean, they wuz all showed off to be read by man or woman. But to resoom. I asked this woman when the music wuz goin’ to commence?
“Why,” sez she, wonderin’, “we’ve had it.”
Sez I, “Wuz that music?”
She said, “Yes.”
“Well,” sez I, “I have seen strange sights since I come here and hearn strange things, but none stranger than that, if that wuz music. Why,” sez I, “I might have heard it for years and years and never mistrusted what it wuz.”
“Well,” she said, “it wuz music, and be-a-utiful.”
Jest then a young feller come in with a dark, eager, earnest face and sung a love song.
That wuz music. It wuz a song about how a slave loved a Princess, and as you heard it you could almost see the shinin’ palm boughs, the splash of the fountain, the white, shinin’ walks of the palace, and the beautiful dark-eyed Princess lookin’ down from her latticed window listenin’ to the words, every one of ’em had a heart throb, a heart ache in it. For he said in the song that he wuz of a race, “Who if they loved must die.” Well, they didn’t seem to like that very well, but I did, it made my heart ache and beat, with its passion and its power.
And then a modest, refined lookin’ woman with her neck and arms covered up considerable, jest as they should be outside of bedrooms, come forward modestly and recited a poem, as pitiful a thing as I ever hearn in my life. About how a great, strong, manly, lovin’ heart wuz cheated out of its happiness, its very life, by the vanity and sinfulness of a woman and the villiany of a man, of how he patient bore his sorrow, kneelin’ and prayin’ for her, and blessin’ her for bearin’ with him all the time she did, and how for his sake he begged the Lord to forgive her for runnin’ off with the other man and leavin’ her husband and child. He lived on heartbroken, but pious and good as they make ’em, loved her all through her life of sin and shame, and then, when the villian deserted her and she wuz dyin’ alone, he went to her and held her dyin’ head on his bosom, and rared up a stun above her poor guilty head and carved on it the sacred name of “Wife.”
Why, they wuzn’t a dry eye in my head, not one, when she had finished it. And, though mebby it wouldn’t be my first choice to recite to an evenin’ party, still I wuz jest melted down by it, and so wuz Josiah Allen, as I glanced round at him he wuz jest puttin’ his bandanna back into his pocket and wuz winkin’ hard, he has got a heart, Josiah Allen has.
But all of a sudden, jest before she got through recitin’ it, this woman with the brood of girls gathered ’em in front of her, as if danger wuz behind her, and shooed ’em out of the room. And I declare for it, and I am tellin’ the truth, as she stood up sweepin’ out, I see way down below their shoulder blades, every single blade. They went into the room where they wuz dancing, it wuz there they sought safety from indelicacy and unrefined suggestions, but for them that see ’em come in the sight wuz fur worse than the back view, yes fur worse.
But no sooner did the anxious mother chase her brood out in front of her than another woman, whose dress wuz so low it is a wonder it held onto her till she got out, she swep’ out with her two daughters in front of her, one on ’em dressed in a string of pearls and a ostrich tip, and the other one bare as she wuz born almost from her waist up, every mite of their dresses almost layin’ on the carpet. They fled from the contagion of indelicacy into the ballroom, and went to talkin’ Bible together and condemnin’ bitterly the low, immodest woman who had dared to recite such a poem before their innocent daughters. They had guarded ’em so, they said from everything and anything that could by any possibility suggest an indelicate thought or act, and now in one moment to have the veil dropped from their innocent eyes.
And thus the mothers complained until jest such men as the verses described walked up and put their arms round the prettiest and most naked of the girls, held ’em as close to their vile hearts as if they wuz runnin’ away with ’em, and jumped round the room with ’em, the happy mothers lookin’ on and smilin’ placidly, seein’ the girls’ pretty flushed faces layin’ right up against the villians’ breastbones. And it wuzn’t a great while before all the girls had some strangers’ arms round ’em and wuz prancin’ round the room.
Well, a man I had met in Loontown come up to me and asked me sunthin’ about my books, and that seemed to set the fashion, for I don’t know how many come up to me and asked me about ’em. And most every one on ’em said they had read my books to a dyin’ friend, or to the aged, them that had lost their minds, as fur as I could make out, or wuz so fur gone they couldn’t sense their trouble. But I thanked ’em, every one on ’em, and felt it, too, it is so sweet to think on that you have soothed last hours of the mentally shattered and the infirm in intellect, I got quite a lot of comfort out of the thought.
Two or three wimmen there had had friends who had read ’em, they wuz in distant parts of the country, but I wuz glad to hear from ’em and hear they had read ’em. And then three or four, and mebby more, asked me if I lived in Boston; I don’t know what under the sun there wuz about me that put that thought into their heads, unless it wuz my bunnet, the ribbin bow on it did rise up noble and sort of majestic above my foretop; mebby it put ’em in mind of Bunker Hill. I knew it wuz a bunnet calculated to impress the beholder almost with awe, it wuz so sort o’ high headed and literary lookin’. Josiah didn’t want me to git it, but I knew it would give me a high learnt look, and, when they asked me if I lived in Boston, I felt I had made a good choice.
Well, we got home perfectly beat out, and my pardner fearfully cross, though, as I wuz as good as my word and got him a good but hasty lunch, his crossness moderated and he went to bed in considerable good sperits, and we slep’ late the next day and no serious bad results follered.