Even when you knew it was coming, becoming a single parent can be an unexpected shock. A few years out of the dating scene, and you forget how to do it. Don't feel different. It's never easy to date, and dating as a new single parent is a real challenge.
It's been years since you dressed up and went out with someone for a pleasant evening. You've forgotten what to say and what to do. You feel awkward and clumsy. You may have put on a few pounds or grown some new grey hairs. Let's face it, you're terrified.
Well, dating isn't easy - even for singles without kids. It's hard to meet people. It's hard to know when someone's safe and dependable. You never know what you'll get until you go out, and then you're stuck - at least for an hour or so. Dating's just not the devil-may-care fun some people crack it up to be.
To be comfortable with dating, you have to have been dating for a while. You have to build up your dating repertoire. You have to exercise those social and emotional "dating muscles," muscles that easily atrophy without regular use.
But don't worry. It'll be all right. All you need is some refreshers to get back into the dating game. A little conversation, a cup of coffee, a walk in the park - all you need is a few simple successes to regain confidence and tone those atrophied dating muscles. After some experience and some fun dates, you'll be back in the swing of it.
Before you start dating again, though, you'll want to do some inside work - you'll want to get yourself in peak dating shape. Here are some tips that may get you off to the right start.
*Tie up loose ends.
Before you start dating and getting involved in new relationships, you want to be sure that your past is indeed your past. If you're still reeling from rejection, abandonment, or tragic loss, you need to give yourself time to grieve and heal. It takes about a year for people to get through the normal grieving process, so don't rush yourself. And if there are financial matters still up in the air, get them settled and done. You don't want to start dating while you're still trying to work out financial and legal details. Once you've gotten through the grief process and settled business matters, it's time to move on with your life.
*Understand your motives.
Why do you want to date again? Is it because your best friend thinks you should? The only good reason to date is because you want to. Maybe you want simple companionship and someone to do things with. It's okay if you're not ready to enter into a serious relationship. In fact, you probably shouldn't yet.
Are you so lonely that you'd go out with anyone? Loneliness isn't a good reason for dating either. If you're so desperate that you'll say yes to the first one that comes along, you're opening yourself up for disappointment, aggravation, and hurt. When you date, it's because you want to spend time with another person because you like them and want to know them better. Unless you're truly interested in a potential date, drop it.
When you want to date because you need time to relax with an interesting person, it's time to start dating.
*Get your life in order.
Single parents have special responsibilities and demands. You have to balance the need to earn a living with the need to raise happy healthy children. There may seem to be little or no time left over for dating.
That's why it's important to set your priorities and set up a calendar. Planning to attend school functions, put in those extra hours at work, and have some social life is essential. As a single parent, those spur-of-the-moment dates are most likely impossible. Recognize the limitations and adjust your expectations.
You'll be a much more interesting date if you're not worried about yesterday's laundry or tomorrow's lunches. When you get the chance to go out for a pleasant romantic evening, you don't want to be preoccupied with the chores and worries of the day. It's your time to relax and have fun. Having and keeping up with a regular routine will help you do that.
You'll also need to arrange for baby-sitters, let people know where you'll be and when you'll be back, and carry a cell phone with you for emergencies. Daters who are not also parents may not have those needs. These are things you can't jump into. You need advance notice to get your life in order and be ready to relax and have fun on your special date.
*Stay Interested to Stay Interesting
Even though your schedule is tight and your days are full, you need to be a well-rounded person to be an interesting date. Be sure to take personal time and keep your mind active in spite of the household chaos. Read a book. Go to a lecture. Take the kids to a museum. Learn something new. Take on a new hobby that your kids will enjoy too. Making personal growth a family affair can't be a losing proposition.
Maintain your friendships and family relationships. Even if you're not dating, it's important to have social contact with other adults. Invite your friends or family over for dinner or wrangle an invitation to go to their house. Plan some adult-only activities so that you can have adult conversations and keep up with current events. Stay active.
Take care of your health. Find ways to get regular exercise. Walks with the kids, visits to the local park or nature preserve, and workouts will keep you fit and healthy. You've got a lot of stress in your life, and exercise will help work that stress off and out. You'll be a more relaxed human being if you are a healthy human being.
Life as a single parent can come suddenly, without warning. Even when you know it's coming, it's a shock when your whole life changes. When you have children, those changes come with heavy burdens and difficult challenges.
Returning to the dating scene can be a frightening experience, but you can learn to enjoy dating when you take the steps necessary to build a strong, stable lifestyle and family.