Encouragement is the Seed of Success
What kind of parent are you – an encourager or an intimidator? The
encourager stresses working towards a certain goal. The intimidator stresses
winning. For this kind of parent, “It’s the results that count… not the effort, not the
intentions.”
And what results! Useless deaths. You have heard about graduating college
students resorting to suicide for not graduating with honors in a family of medalists
or in another case, for failing to graduate at all. Those who choose to live become
obsessive about reaching the top, even at the expense of others. Some are
immobilized – afraid to try unless success is guaranteed.
Naturally, the one encouraged first is happy about the praises heaped on him
or her. But when you give him or her the opposite, the reactions would be:
disbelief, anger…and later, self-doubt. Somehow, all those discouraging comments
get to you.
That exercise made us step back and examine the atmosphere you create at
home. Is it encouraging or downgrading? Are you an encourager or an intimidator?
Note that your targets are parent-volunteers, so they were aware that this was some
sort of exercise, yet it affected their self-esteem. Imagine how a string of negative
messages or put-downs can affect an insecure child?
Encouragement is not the same as pampering though. Pampering means
regularly doing something the teenagers can do for themselves such as fixing their
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room, preparing lunch, or even waking up. Overindulgence makes a child
irresponsible. Overprotection makes kids dependent on others.
Praising is not encouragement. Praise is a reward given for an achievement.
It fosters competition and fear of failure. Encouragement is given for effort and
improvement. It fosters cooperation and self-esteem. It inspires confidence and
acceptance.
Of course, you should give praise when it is due. But encouragement does
not thrive on praises alone. A child can tell empty praises from real ones. Besides,
there is danger that a child hungry for praise will merely conform to please and
won’t feel okay unless praised. Encouragement means emphasis on strengths and
assets, other than faults. It is non-judgmental - accepting the level of
accomplishment of each child.
Unrealistic expectations could be stressful to a child. If circumstances or
physical inability prevents him or her from fulfilling certain expectations, then you
can’t say, “You can do it.” The kid would be bound for certain disappointment. It’s
just like saying “It won’t hurt” when an injection really hurts. You can’t fool
children.
Sometimes, you have to help your children set realistic goals. When one of
the kids wants to enter a contest, you’re all out rooting for him or her – whether it’s
an art contest, a science contest, or whatever. Some kids start counting their prizes
even before they submit their entries. In those cases, you explain the odds and
make the project so much fun that it is the effort that counts.
Other discouraging family practices you learned at seminars are:
permissiveness (which makes a child unconcerned about others’ rights),
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inconsistent discipline (results in feeling that life is unfair) and denial of feelings.
A person who is not in touch with his or her own feelings can never relate to
others.
“Poor you,” mothers often say to a child after bumping his or her head.
Sometimes, parents even go to such lengths as spanking the object that caused pain
to appease the crying child. It’s not funny. It’s stupid. Pity breeds a discouraging
family atmosphere. It does not help build confidence in the child.
When your kids come to you for help, be glad. Don’t shoo them away by
lecturing:
“Is this the best you can do?”
“I don’t want to see line of 7s or Cs.”
“With these grades, you don’t deserve to go to school! Why should I spend
thousands if you don’t care to study? Do you still want to go to college or not?”
“What’s your ambition in life? To be a janitor?”
“Don’t ask stupid questions. Use your common sense.”
“You should know better.”
Most of these are recordings in your minds, handed down to you by your
parents and their parents. It’s about time you got out of that mode and reprogram
yourself by consciously creating an encouraging environment at home.
It is not the one-sided “Honor thy father and mother.” Each family should
work out their own “Treaty of Friendship, Cooperation and Security”, with
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children given the opportunities to give opinions, participate in decisions, and take
on responsibilities according to their capabilities.
“Don’t expect to change your teenager.” The beginning of change is to
accept one’s mistakes. Saying sorry to your children can do wonders in bridging
the generation gap. It is only human to let the children know, “Hey, kids! Parents
need some encouragement too!”
Effective Praise: Instill Good Behavior Through Positive Reinforcement, Not
Through Bribery or Punishment
How do you discipline your child? Most of the parents would admit to
having spanked their children at least once. In behavioral studies, 3 approaches to
eliciting a desired behavior can also be found in parents’ discipline styles: positive
reinforcement, negative reinforcement, and punishment.
Positive reinforcement entails providing an event (like a reward or praise)
that increases the probability of the desired behavior being repeated. With negative
reinforcement, a desired behavior is drawn out through the elimination of an
adverse event (e.g. child learns to wake up earlier for school every day because
getting caught in traffic makes him nauseous). Punishment, often confused with
negative reinforcement, involves increasing an adverse event to decrease or stop
negative behavior.
Child experts agree that, of the 3, positive reinforcement is the best way to
draw out positive behavior in children and even keep negative behavior in check.
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Positive Reinforcement VS Bribery
Some parents mistakenly associate positive reinforcement with bribing or
giving material rewards. In bribery, you promise something bigger and more
valuable than the behavior you are expecting. You also tend to negotiate or beg,
even increasing the value of the prize, just to make sure that the behavior you wish
is manifested. Giving a child verbal encouragement or small tokens after they
exhibit a certain desirable behavior does not qualify for bribery.
Other parents steer clear from positive reinforcers for fear that they might
spoil their child. However, it is far from spoiling if the reward given is
commensurate to the positive behavior exhibited by the child. Material rewards
need not be expensive things; small tokens like stickers or erasers are hardly
decadent. Non-material reinforcers are highly recommended: a hug, a wink, and a
compliment for a job well done.
Play Your Part
There is no specific age at which to start using positive reinforcement;
children learn to relate reinforcers to their behavior after several similar
experiences and patterns. Good deeds that were reinforced at an early age become
part of the child’s personality.
As children grow, their needs will differ in the same way that our
expectations of them will expand. So, the reinforcers may change, but the general
principle remains. The success of positive reinforcement greatly depends not on
the child, but on the adult using it as a disciplinary approach.
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When used successfully, positive reinforcement can develop a child’s
intrinsic motivation. It can provide children some understanding of expectations
and behavior.
Get into Character
Here are key points to help parents effectively wield positive reinforcement:
Select and define the deed. Be clear on what is acceptable or non-acceptable
behavior at home. Provide observable, measurable progress by specifying which
behavior you want the child to repeat. Refrain from giving abstract directives.
Instead of “Behave while eating” say “Sit on your chair, do not play with your
utensils, and tidy up your eating area after eating the food.”
Choose your reinforcers. Reinforcers must be appropriate for – and as valuable as
– the behavior. They should match the child’s age, abilities, and the effort required
to earn them. Kids have individual preferences. A reinforcer that is not significant
to your child will bear no value. For example, preschool children will like getting
stickers and hugs, while teenagers may prefer getting an extended curfew.
Timing is everything. Consistency is the key. Make it routine for your children. It
helps them internalize rules and expectations. Also, immediately reinforce good
behavior. The shorter the delay between the behavior and reinforcer, the greater the
chance of strengthening the behavior. When reinforcing a new skill, reinforce
continuously. Once the behavior has been established in the child, then you can
gradually delay and decrease reinforcements.
Be diverse. Varying reinforcers prevents satiation in a child. Use your imagination
to come up with different reinforcers. Opt for assorted non-material reinforcers.
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You will be surprised that not all kids want material things as reinforcers. Hugs,
pats on the back, and words have equal, if not more, significance to them.
Complement praise with encouragement. Pairing reinforcers with words of praise
and encouragement works best to retain or repeat a good behavior. Praise usually
denotes the person, and some judgment is made on him or her. Encouragement is
taking notice of the behavior or action, instead of the person.
An example of praise is “You’re a good girl” while “I like the way you helped the
lady carry her bag,” are words of encouragement. By using words of praise and
encouragement, it puts recognition and meaning to one’s presence and work.
Praising Points
International studies have shown that praise definitely increases people’s
inner interest in activities. Anything too much or too little is proven ineffective.
Too much praise is ineffective because it comes too easy and often reduces the
value of praise. Too little of it and lack of consistency do not give it much
significance, as well. Here are some keywords to remember when giving praise:
Immediate. Praise kids right after the good behavior occurs. This way, they know
instantly which behavior is reinforced.
Specific. Say exactly which behavior, action, or words you liked. For example,
“Thank you for putting your toys back in the bin,” or “I like the way you shared
your toys with your friends.” If the action was partly wrong, focus only on the
positive side.
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Frequent. Be consistent in saying words of praise every time kids do something
good. Do not let any good or improved deed pass unnoticed. This reminds kids,
positively, that a particular behavior should be part of their way of life.
Sincere. Put emphasis on the feelings and values instead of judging kids as “good”
or “bad”. For example, if you see your child politely asking for his or her turn in
playing a video game, say, “I like the way you asked your brother if you could play
after him. I think that was a polite thing to do.”
Varied. Use different praise statements. Repeating the same thing may lose its
impact and value. Changing it is also one way to increase kids’ emotional
vocabulary, which will help them express themselves as they grow.
When Does Spoiling A Child Start?
Spoiling a child takes time. It consists of a series of early life decisions and events
which parents or guardians make for young children. The course of these early life
decisions can eventually develop a child’s preferences: his or her way of reacting
toward individuals around him or her, study habits, eating habits, and social skills.
Even before the child is ready, today’s children have too many options.
Moreover, due to work demands of harried parents, the resulting guilt about time
for and with the child can be a potent recipe for spoiling. Today’s parent can opt to
give in to tantrums and giving too many material things to keep the peace and
assuage guilt. Likewise, there may be inconsistencies in the manner of dealing with
the child among the adults. The result is a spoiled child.
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Take for example these two extreme cases. The first is 10-year-old Chase who was
unwilling to go to school and do any schoolwork if he were not to receive any
compensation, like toys or electronic games. This young boy would force his will
on his parents by banging his head on the wall repeatedly until his demands are
met.
Giving in to such demands is not the answer, as they most likely lead to only
bigger, unrealistic, and self-centered demands. Another case is 4-year-old Paul
who was unable to appreciate his possessions, as he would be given new toys on
almost a daily basis. When Paul’s toy is broken, he would quickly ask, “Can we
buy another one?”
Discipline is often associated with punishment. Actually, punishments and rewards
are just aspects of it. Discipline, if applied consistently and with consideration of
the child’s level of understanding, is the best way of instilling a sense of
responsibility in children like Chase and Paul. This starts with the parent being
clear about what the child can and cannot do. Slowly, if the parents are clear and
consistent, the child internalizes a moral compass to help guide him or her in
decision-making.
In the case of Chase, there was inconsistency in the way the parents dealt with him.
It was his mother who would set boundaries, like limiting the toys being bought
and the amount of time he is allowed to play with his gaming unit. Chase’s father,
in an effort to spend quality time with his son, would inadvertently sabotage these
rules by buying toys and allowing his son to play when they would spend time
together.
Discipline is an ongoing process and cannot be done overnight. It requires constant
compromise among parents and guardians attempting to instill it on their children.
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Other factors to take into consideration are family dynamics and personal values.
These issues were very prominent in the case of Paul. Paul is the younger of two
boys, both coming from different marriages. Paul’s mother has difficulty spending
time with her children, as she spends most of her time away from home. She also
has a tendency to give in to Paul’s demands in order for him to quiet down and
refrain from throwing tantrums.
It is never too late to instill discipline. Sit down with your significant other
today and list down the areas that need to be addressed in the life of your child, as
the effort you make today will shape the man or woman your child will be in the
future.
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CHAPTER 3: PUSHING FOR GOLD - THE
PARENT TRAP
Do You Expect Too Much From Your Kids? Know the Difference Between
Motivation and Pressure
Parents naturally want their children to be the best, whether in academics or
extra-curricular activities – or both! Young kids especially find happiness in
pleasing their parents, and would do almost anything to garner their approval –
from doing simple chores and creating pretty artwork, to accomplishing more
ambitious feats like winning in sports or beauty pageants. But how far can we push
our little ones without breaking their spirit or setting them up for disappointment?
Over competitive parents usually have many expectations from their
children. They are more particular with good grades and performance than with
how happy the child is going through schooling or joining an activity. For instance,
some parents are still not satisfied when a child receives a B grade, expecting
instead the perfect A. These parents see mistakes as unacceptable. Pointing fingers
at who is to blame for the ‘failure’ of their child becomes their means to rectifying
the situation, ignoring the possibility that there are other factors and variables at
play. The worst scenario is when explanations are sought from the children, who
may not always know why they performed below expectation.
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Why Would Parents Demand Much From Their Children?
Here are several factors:
Family background
Continuing the family ‘legacy’ is important for most parents. For instance, if you
come from a family of doctors, chances are, you will be expected to become one,
too, regardless of your capacity or inclination. When one or both parents are
achievers, they don’t see any reason for their talents not to manifest themselves in
their children.
Economic stress
Some average income earners force kids to excel beyond their abilities so they can
avail of scholarship grants and minimize the cost of schooling in their budget.
Children owe it to them
Many parents think that the formula to their children’s success is to provide them
with everything. And since everything is given, there is no reason why they cannot
excel.
“If her child can do it, why can’t mine?”
Hearing parents boast about their kids’ success causes other parents to fell envy
and even self-doubt. Because they feel this way, parents then put more pressure on
their kid.
Effects on Children
There is a constructive side to instilling competitiveness: children tend to
strive more and see for themselves what they are really capable of.
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Financial gain is another advantage. If your child performs well, he can be
awarded scholarship grants and get good offers when he or she reaches high school
or college levels. Prestige and popularity come with territory, too, because ‘the
ability of the child shines.’
Though instilling competitiveness in our children has its benefits, experts
agree that potential negative ramifications outweigh the positive. The following are
some of them:
Children become misguided.
When the pressure is too much, the child no longer sees knowledge and the
acquisition of knowledge as goals. The grade has become the premium whether or
not he or she learns anything that is of value to him or her. Also, the child becomes
an unfriendly competitor.
Children can get easily frustrated.
Children under great pressure become very unhappy with one or two little
mistakes. They may start blaming themselves for the slightest setback. They may
start having sleepless nights. They will take every mistake of failure as the ‘end of
it all.’ This kind of mindset – where personal worth is measured by grades,
accolades, and other quantifiable achievements – can be detrimental to their self-
perception.
Children become fearful.
With expectations set high, children may fear punishment from their parents every
time they fall short. If children have difficulty in certain subjects or areas, they
need support and guidance early on. However, since they are afraid of
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‘disappointing’ their parents, they will not come out and say, “I am having a hard
time understanding this.” Nothing is resolved; no course of action is taken.
This fear of failure also translates itself into children’s unwillingness to take risks,
to explore, or to try something new, thus stunting their development.
Children develop over-dependence on parents.
Children under tremendous pressure from their parents are usually unable to think
for themselves. How happy they are with their achievements depends on how
happy mom and dad are. They feel that their parents approve every move they
make.
Children become socially isolated.
Constant bragging of parents about their children to others may not always be
graciously received. This may even create a wall between the child being bragged
about and others (friends, the school, community, even relatives). A child may
develop either an unhealthy superiority or inferiority complex. The feeling of being
better than everybody else, because a child was constantly drilled that he or she is,
can result in ostracism by peers. Similarly, feeling inferior to others may cause
children to retreat into their shells.
Children measure self-worth with achievements.
When children hear their parents comparing them with others, it only translates to
two messages: either “Mommy and Daddy love me because I am perfect,” or
“They say I’m not as good as the other kids.”
Thus, the need to succeed arises, but only to satisfy the desire to be accepted and
be loved. Before anyone notices, what begins as self-doubt escalates into serious
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anxiety, which can lead to more serious problems, such as power struggles, eating
disorders, and depression, even at a very young age.
Children need to know that they will be loved whether or not they receive
any accolades. Preschoolers, in particular, should be guided more on mastering
age-appropriate skills that will serve as their foundation for later learning