Helping Our Children Make Good Choices
What can parents do now to prepare their kids in the right direction towards
thinking for themselves and making good (or better) choices? Experience tells us
that prudence can be realistically achieved not at seven (age of reason) but by the
age of eighteen.
Spanish educator David Isaacs, PhD suggests that parents lay the foundation
for prudence by instilling four good habits during the first seven years of life.
Namely: obedience, sincerity, order, and justice. He believes that these four habits
are needed in the progressive development of other good habits within the next
three phases: charity and fortitude (courage) in elementary level (8 to 12), faith and
temperance (self-control) in adolescence (13-15), and hope and prudence (sound
judgment) in young adulthood (16-18). Furthermore, those who have these virtues
will naturally find happiness and human maturity, he concludes.
Obedience
A loving but firm parental authority exercised in each home prevents domestic
chaos – clutter, sickness, hunger, shouting, violence, disrespect, and rebellion.
Imagining chaos in infants and toddlers may seem tolerable, but when we project
this in adolescents and grown-ups with a voice, a choice, and plenty of muscle…
no one wants to end up the loser. Young children must learn to obey their parents’
reasonable demands (not mere trivialities), but they also have to hear kind simple
explanations to common rules, situations, and events.
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It is through a consistent, regular, and clear communication of the parents’ pleasure
or displeasure, approval or disapproval, happiness or sadness toward ideas, words,
and/or actions that children begin to experience and understand the value system of
their family. This value system will be validated, respected, or rejected in later life
based on the methods used, attitudes absorbed, emotions attached, and information
gathered from home, school, or elsewhere. Inconsistency will easily confuse
inexperienced young minds, which have not yet learned the purpose of life.
Sincerity
Sincerity (telling the truth at the proper time and to the proper person) must
be practiced at home. The children must imbibe it in the context of helping loved
ones to improve (out of charity and justice). Children will likely be more confident
in this type of home environment and prefer it to a contrary one.
It will be difficult for the good and true to be embraced by those who grow
up with lies and end up with bad habits (or vices) and muddled criteria. If they turn
cynical and become individualistic – instead of accepting their vital role in the
success of their own family, as well as the larger community – they delay their
own chances for true and lasting happiness. And no parent consciously wants this
to happen!
Thus, it is critical for parents to expose their family members to reliable
criteria and genuine good (not mere apparent good), so that they can encourage
their children’s potential abilities to know the truth and to love good. This is done
using two of their more important, separate, but interlinked powers of the intellect
and the will present in the soul of human beings, making us all accountable.
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Order
The third habit of order provides the family, especially the young children, a
sense of predictability and stability because procedures are followed and many
things are done properly at their place and time. Nothing ruins a child’s
equilibrium more than disorder – in his caregiver, his schedule, his bed, and so on.
Even parents need order to maintain their own well-being and sanity. Note that a
lot of affection is more effective than reasoning in making sure family members
get along well.
Justice
The young inherently value justice because of their natural demand for
parental time and love, in competition with siblings, work, and other distractions
(to a child’s mind). They are ready to understand the importance of fairness in
what is due them (or others) in ordinary circumstances. Adults are expected to
apply rules and sanctions equitably lest children rebel and defy authority figures
and rules.
Children must get the message that life makes sense, rules make sense, and
consequences make sense. They need to see things as they are over what they
seem, and be able to choose a path that will lead them closer to universal values, or
their ‘true norths.’
Communication Tip
When parents speak with young children, alone or as a group,
they must establish eye contact and/or hold them at close range,
preferably at eye level, to maintain warm direct communication and
rapport. It may be necessary for mothers and fathers to bend over,
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squat or kneel; or put down the newspaper, telephone, or cooking
pan as well.
In addition, a calm soothing tone of voice is preferred when giving instructions,
and a firm serious one for reprimands. Smiling or laughing when children do
wrong, and indifference or anger when they do right, goes against the proper
formation of good criteria and good habits. The goal is: a clear mind and a strong
will.
In small doses, at an early start, both mother and father can provide daily cues to
their children about essential distinctions between fact and opinion, important and
urgent, cause and effect, problem and solution, family and friend, male and female,
public and private, right and wrong, rights and duties, life-threatening and life-
saving, eternal and temporal… the list can go on. At times, it may be necessary to
consult the right sources before making any decisions and following these through.
Slowly, both parents and children understand their value system and communicate
on the same level.
Finally, a most important daily habit worth fostering until old age is self-reflection,
answering the following three questions: What did I do right? What did I do
wrong? And what can I do better?
Self-Esteem: Your Child’s Armor Against Danger
As parents, we fear the worst for our children. We see an imperfect world,
where strangers and circumstances can discourage, frighten, harm, or endanger our
little ones. But kids need not be plagued with thoughts of a dangerous world, and
parents shouldn’t feel the need to create a protective bubble around them. The best
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defense is to empower kids with a boost of confidence and how-to-deal skills when
facing possible dangers.
Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is the collection of beliefs or feelings that we have about
ourselves, or our ‘self perceptions.’ How we define ourselves influences our
motivations, attitudes, and behaviors, and affects our emotional judgment.
Self-esteem includes other qualities, such as self-confidence, pride,
independence, self-reliance, and self-respect. Experts say we develop our self-
esteem during childhood, and it constantly evolves as we are shaped by the
different social interactions and experiences we go through.
Enhancing a child’s self-esteem is the first step to ensuring his or her right to
personal safety. Keeping children away from physical harm is only secondary.
Programs have been developed to teach children self-protective skills, and families
recognize and respond to potentially unsafe situations. Children who are conscious
of their self-worth feel good about themselves, pulling out all the stops to any sign
of threat or danger. Moreover, self-esteem develops the same positive
communication skills and attitudes, which children could pass on to the next
generation.
A child’s self-esteem is based on a positive relationship with parents and
eventually teachers. Parents can foster that can-do attitude in their children
with a “Wow!” or a “That’s great!” every time they accomplish a feat. These
positive comments form children’s first concept of success, which ultimately
leads to a healthy self-perception.
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But praise and positive reinforcement alone will not make
children feel better automatically. Providing them with lots of love,
care, and understanding is equally significant. Children who are
happy and confident may still experience low self-esteem because
they do not feel loved. Likewise, children who are loved and
pampered at home may still feel inadequate and incompetent, thus
ending up with low self-esteem. Hence, a balance of both should be
present.
Delivering positive messages and engaging in constructive
communication lead to a healthy self-perception. Try these time-
tested tips to enhance your child’s can-do attitude.
Limit the “Don’ts” to the barest minimum.
State your requests positively. Too many negative words in your
sentences will only lead to a child’s self doubt.
Let kids complete their sentences.
Avoid interruptions, as these disrupt their train of thought or make
them forget what they’re saying. Otherwise, they’ll feel as if their
ideas are insignificant and not worth listening to.
Establish eye contact.
Be a good model of conversation by giving kids your full attention.
This communicates that you are interested in what they are saying,
and that you are stressing a noteworthy idea, as well.
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Take turns in the conversation.
Agree on who speaks first, and who speaks next. It is important for
parents to encourage kids to verbalize their ideas and feelings, but
to also wait for the go signal to speak. Children should be able to
understand that if people talk all at the same time, they will end up
understanding nothing.
Keep a calm, uncritical, and non-irritable manner when explaining.
Keep your “speech” concise. Use language that kids will easily
understand, explaining to them what they need to do, and why they
should or should not do it. Speaking in a calm tone also keeps
panic from rising within them.
Criticisms should still be present.
We should also take notice of shortcomings or misbehavior as we
see it or learn about it. Explain why an action is not acceptable,
and allow kids to think of ways to avoid doing it again.
Smart Thinking
Facing challenges and rising from them is a way to help strengthen
a child’s spirit. Though parents would prefer to totally shield their
children from threats and hardship, doing so would cause as much
damage. And let’s face it: Adversity is inevitable. But training our
children to become prudent and intelligent thinkers is a surefire
way to protect them from possible harm.
An effective method to hone children’s thinking skills is to practice
what if scenarios with them. Children need to feel as if they have
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discovered why they should avoid potentially dangerous
circumstances. Parents can engage in a dialogue with their kids. It’s
important to let them think for themselves, to foster their problem-
solving skills. Parents shouldn’t dictate the solution, but rather,
allow kids to answer first, and then guide them unhurriedly to every
possible avenue.
We can’t control what our children do every minute. But we can
help them think, early in their lives, about what is and what is not
safe, so we can trust them to take responsibility for their actions
and to make safe decisions now and as they mature.
Here are some possible danger scenarios, plus pre-emptive tips:
Bully Alert
Bullies pick on kids who are often alone, shy, quiet, and look like
they can’t stand up for themselves. Kids become victims of bullies
because they have a very poor self-concept, believing their own
dignity and self-worth are unimportant. What’s worse is that most
bullied kids are too afraid to tell their parents – either because they
are scared their parents will think they’re weak, or because they
think their parents won’t do much to rectify the situation.
What You Can Do
To help kids deal with bullying and prevent them from becoming
bully victims, teach them the lesson of reciprocity. Help them
realize that relationships are reciprocal, and that they should treat
others as they wish to be treated. They will come to realize that
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people act as they do for many different reasons. Asking children
questions that pay attention to their and other people’s feelings also
helps. These questions include:
Why do you think bullies need to pick on others?
Do you have another reason?
What do you think a bully is feeling or thinking?
How would you feel if a kid bullies you?
What can you do or say if you’re being bullied?
By fostering a climate of empathy at home, children learn the value
of self-worth – for themselves and for others. According to child
experts, you should let your child know that he or she has a right to
insist that others treat him or her with respect and dignity. They
are not to tolerate cruelty of any form, whether in real life, in the
form of nasty jokes on sitcoms, or in other forms of entertainment.
Stranger Danger
“Don’t talk to strangers” is not necessarily the key. We cannot
expect our kids to do this if we adults break this rule every time – in
the grocery store, waiting in line at the movie house, or even in
school. Children should know that most adults they encounter are
basically good people. Often, these “strangers” are actually people
who can help kids in case of emergencies.
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What You Can Do
Teach kids to pay attention to their instincts. Parents should tell
their kids to listen to that voice in their heads; if they don’t feel safe
or they feel it’s not right, they shouldn’t go through with it. We need
to give children safety nets of people they can go to if they need
help, such as uniformed law-enforcement or security officers, a
store salesperson with a nametag, the person in an information
booth at a mall or other public venue, or a mother with children.
Next, describe the proper way to handle a stranger. A common ploy
for abduction attempts are for strangers to pretend that they are a
friend of the child’s parents, and that the parents – who are either
sick or injured – asked them to pick the child up on their behalf. To
help children deal with this particular situation, let them run the
scenario in their heads, then ask them the following questions:
What do you do when a person you don’t know says mommy or
daddy asked him or her to pick you up from school, and that you
should hop into the car?
Do you run to your teacher, the principal, or the security guard?
What do you do if the stranger grabs you?
What do you think is the safest thing to do while waiting for
mommy or daddy after school?
Do you stay with your teacher in the classroom or the principal’s
office?
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Should a stranger grab your kids, children should be taught to run
for help and scream, kick, make a loud noise and keep yelling
something like “You’re not my mother!” or “You’re not my father!”
More importantly, teach your child from a very young age why he or
she should never go anywhere with any adult, without your
permission, whether that person is a stranger or a friend.
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