BABY POO MAKES GREAT DIAPER PICS & DIGITAL GAGGING
One day, my son cooed and goo-gooed as he had done any other day in his short-lived life. However, this very moment, he cooed from deep within a trench of stink.
He lied in his bassinet making happy sounds while the very air around him was full of the foulest stench ever known to mankind. It was poo no doubt but there was something more to it. Something hot and fetid.
I picked him up and I swear to you, he was heavy but only from the waist down. It was like a handful of weights were in his onesie.
When I reached to hold him by his bottom, I could feel the lumpiness. And we're not talking about normal baby-smear, bean-dip amount of lumpy fuchie-cacas. This was like Santa's sack lumpiness.
And this mixture was noticeably heavier in my son's diaper.
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I laid him down, fully prepared for the moment before me.
But I was wrong - nothing could have shored up my constitution for what awaited me.
As I removed his clothing and diaper, what greeted me was epic.
Baby Orlando's entire lower regions were covered in a layer of feces that was biblical. Like wrath of God, plague of frogs, crop smiting feces.
I gagged.
It was horrible. It was so much baby poo that I could barely keep from vomiting. The only time, besides when he blew poo all over my face in the middle of the night, that I almost wretched from his anal expressions. Otherwise, I was like cast-iron, unmoved by this little creature's biological warfare.
Well, his vomiting could get me too. Ungh, that smell, God, that curdling stomach acid smell...
Anyway, back to the horrible baby butt before me.
With such a foul, demonic amount of infant crap before me, there was one thing I could do -
I grabbed my phone and I took a picture.
After a ton of wipes and toilet paper and fire, I was able to clean him enough that a quick bathing was not a bog of watery nastiness.
Through the magic of Johnson & Johnson, Orlando was human again.
And that digital depiction of baby-butt-vomit-inducing-insanity? There was only one thing I could do with that...I sent a copy to my sister in law.
She called me immediately. Utter shock and terror in her voice.
She said she had gagged as soon as she saw the picture. She even said she could actually smell it.
Digital gagging sounded like a questionable app.
Orlando cooed and I held him. I told him he was nasty.