The scene hits home because it's true. We've all had a teacher like that. We've all been in that classroom. We've all been put in a box and forced to “learn” while wanting to bite our own hands off because the lesson was so boring.
And yet, although we hated it ourselves, for some reason we try to use this same ineffective approach with our own kids. In a feeble attempt to strengthen our relationships, we lecture them instead of involving them. Whether we like it or not, we’ve all sounded exactly like the Ben Stein character at times. We’ve all put our children in uninspiring environments in an effort to get to know them better.
It just doesn't work.
By taking a different approach—fun activities with focused reflection—we get the environment working for us instead of against us, and the magnification principle really takes effect.
When you use this approach, you'll stop sounding like Ben Stein or Charlie Brown's teacher. Instead, you’ll start connecting with your kids while having fun. Yes, it’s true: you (but more importantly, your child) will actually have fun on a Board Meeting!
There’s a common misconception that kids find adults boring; what they really find boring is interactions with adults that suck. Many kids have built up an aversion to adult company simply because most of the time, their experiences aren’t fun.
What if, rather than forcing kids into a box where they don't want to be—which only creates more separation between parent and child—you let them choose something they love to do? What would happen if you just spent time with them in that space?
What happens is that they open up, and a new, deeper connection begins to flower. In a world that doesn't promote these types of experiences, we must choose them intentionally.
Here’s how step three works: for every Board Meeting, your son or daughter selects a fun activity for the two of you to do together. It has to be something of their choice, not yours. The activity has to be something they want to do and that they’re happy doing—not something that only you love.
If you like car shows but your child has no interest in them, you’re not going to drag them to a car show for a few hours and consider that a Board Meeting, saying to your- self, “Wow, isn’t it great that we bonded.” This will only perpetuate disconnection. They get to choose the activity, and it doesn’t have to be anything too fancy or expensive.
By letting your son or daughter choose the activity, they take immediate ownership of the Board Meeting. They feel like they’re doing things on their terms, and this helps build a new layer of trust.
This is especially helpful for parents that don’t have strong relationships with their teens. Disconnected teen- agers may be reluctant (or flat out refuse) to do something together with their parents. Letting them choose the activity helps.
Letting them choose is also a great way to find out more about your son or daughter's interests, which can change quickly. One minute they're interested in children's movies, in another it’s teenage pop stars. A day later, it could be pro football. Each Board Meeting gives you another window into their rapidly-changing life.
As the old saying goes, “Once you get someone laughing, you can tell them almost anything.” By giving your kids the right to pick the activity, they buy into the concept. More importantly, decompression happens best when they get to do a fun activity of their choice. Having a relaxed, decompressed, and happy child makes the Board Meeting successful.
Share a fun activity together that your child chooses—you’ll set the stage for focused reflection, and open the lines of true communication to establish a deeper relationship. That’s where true magic happens.
The focused reflection period is where everything comes together. This is simply time at the end of your Board Meeting that’s set aside to have open dialogue with your son or daughter.
By this time, the magnifying glass is fully focused. You've shared a fun activity together and probably had a meal. You’re both decompressed, and it’s time for you to really connect with your child.
Many parents get nervous about this part, but it's easier than you think. It can be as short as five minutes— in fact, we recommend keeping it short, especially when starting out.
Remember that just by going on the Board Meeting, you've already won—there's no pressure to say the right thing during focused reflection. In fact, there is a risk in saying too much, which can sabotage the trust built up during the Board Meeting. Just relax.
After spending several hours participating in a fun activity with your child, you’ve reached a point where you are both open to real connection. The last thing you should do at that moment is run through a list of fifty lectures you’ve been meaning to give your child. The focused reflection isn’t a heavy lecture time. You have already said plenty simply by being there. The key is not to fixate on or worry about the conversation you'll have. You want open communication to happen naturally during the focused reflection, with no pressure.
The idea of this last part is to develop a lesson or discussion from the activity you experienced together. The more developed and practiced you are at this, the more you can tailor your lesson to the experience, but when you’re just starting out the best icebreaker is to ask this simple question:
What was your favorite part of today?
Many, many parents have used this question with great success on their Board Meetings, and it’s remark- ably effective in helping kids open up in unexpected ways. Your child may surprise you with what they open up about after you ask that question. Many parents (especially of teenagers) have told me the conversation during focused reflection often goes way off course into deeper subjects the parents never thought their teenager would bring up—things like sex, drugs, and peer pressure. It can be shocking at first, but that’s the power of true connection.