sure he's OK. Chances are the experience will not permanently
damage him. Praise your son for speaking up, and let him
know that by speaking up he has helped prevent this young
man from hurting other children.
Parents should be aware of the warning signs of sexual moles-
tation. These include a drastic change in behavior in any way;
a preoccupation with sex, bodily functions, or nudity; fear of
people he or she is close to; crying and depression for no ap-
parent reason; or complaints from other parents that your
I have a six-year-old son who just told me that three
child is behaving in a sexually forward way toward their chil-
months ago, at summer camp, a seventeen-year-old
dren.
camp counselor showed him his penis and asked him
to touch it. My son wouldn't do it, and evidently the
counselor got worried and left him alone, but warned
him that he would be hurt if he told anybody. Could
this experience have damaged my son? What action
should I take?
First of all, the camp director should be notified immediately.
This is probably not the first time this counselor engaged in
this behavior, and unless he is confronted and stopped, it will
not be the last time. Speak to the police about pressing
charges against this young man. What he did was serious, and
unless action is taken, he may more seriously abuse another
boy.
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Don't gloss over it just to get the conversation over with be-
Menstruation
cause it may be embarrassing to you or your daughter. Have
the conversation as part of a general conversation about grow-
ing up, taking responsibility, and taking care of her body.
My daughter is only eight years old, but she is already
starting to develop. When should I begin talking to
her about her period?
Now. More than half of all girls reach puberty before the age
of thirteen. You will want to start clueing your daughter in on
the changes she may be observing in her body. When girls are
unprepared for menses (the onset of menstruation) it can be a
frightening and confusing thing. That is why it is important to
prepare her ahead of time. Begin by asking her if she knows
what it means to be having her period.
Explain that it means that her body is maturing ti the point
where it will soon be able to have a baby, even though she
should not be having a baby for a very long time. You will
need to explain about proper hygiene and the physical and
emotional changes that having a period entails.
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thickness of his muscles; in the length of his penis; and in the
Nocturnal Emissions
appearance of hair on his face, arms, legs, and pubic areas.
You might want to share your recollections of life at his age,
and in particular you might want to mention what a wet
dream is -- beginning with that it is something completely nor-
mal that happens at around this age. If you are at a loss as to
how to explain it, simply say that as your reproductive system
develops, this is your body's way of letting you know that it is
up and running.
By the way, while it is commonly assumed that nocturnal emis-
My twelve-year-old son is going through puberty.
sions or wet dreams occur in response to erotic dreams, this
When 1 was in his room the other morning I noticed
usually isn't true. In fact, the majority of nocturnal emissions
that he was trying to cover up a wet spot on his sheet
do not correspond to erotic dreams.
that was obviously the result of a nocturnal emission.
I am wondering how to start off a father-son chat
about the experiences he is going through. What's the
best way to do it?
The best way to do it is by sitting him down and telling him
that you are very proud to notice that he looks like he's grow-
ing up. Since you have already gone through the experience
yourself, that qualifies you as an expert and as someone who
can make your son's recent life make a whole lot more sense.
Begin by asking him if he knows that puberty is a time in a
boy's life that signals his body is changing. You can tell him
that puberty encompasses a lot of changes: changes in his
voice, because his vocal cords are thickening; in the size and
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times like this that you can appreciate the value of having de-
Masturbation
veloped an open and honest relationship with your kids.
Another strategy would be to wait a couple of days, until any
anxiety or embarrassment has subsided, and have a general
talk about some of the things that go on during this time of
life. You might want to share some of the experiences you had
growing up, and talk mostly about yourself. This way you
could still discuss sensitive topics like masturbation without
actually blurting out that you saw him.
If you choose to say nothing about it, you are not being irre-
I was very embarrassed to walk into my son's room
sponsible. Likely he will be relieved at the thought you might
while he was masturbating. I made believe I didn't no-
not have notice.
tice, and I casually turned around and walked out. I'd
Occasionally I will encounter a parent who tells me that their
like to reassure him, as his Dad, that there was noth-
son is not very discrete about his auto erotic activity. Then a
ing wrong with what he was doing. On the other
conversation about “doing private things in private” is abso-
hand, I don't want him to be embarrassed by the fact
lutely required.
that I noticed. What, if anything, should I say to him?
There is also the possibility that sexually maturing kids will be-
This one is tougher than it seems. I understand that you are in
come interested in pornography and use it during masturba-
a bit of a bind. On the one hand, if you say nothing, the situa-
tion. People have a lot of strong opinions about pornography,
tion will probably just blow over, and he will be grateful that
and research shows that porn combined with aggression does
you didn't mention it. The problem with this approach is that
create negative and unhealthy stereotypes about women.
it might convey to him that you let him off the hook for doing
Some people distinguish between pornography and erotica.
something that is shameful and wrong. On the other hand,
you could have a conversation with him about it, and in that
Whether you have a conservative or liberal attitude about sex-
conversation communicate to him that what he was doing was
ual explicit materials, be aware of what your kids are viewing.
perfectly normal. A lot would depend on what kind of relation-
The internet pushes sexual content across our screens con-
ship you have had with your son in the past. It's really during
stantly and millions of sexually explicit images and movies are
169
available at no cost and with no controls whatsoever to pre-
vent kids from viewing them.
If you want to learn more about how to keep porn off your
computer type in “porn blocking software” into your favorite
search engine and read about the many software options avail-
able.
I recommend that parents who want to monitor the computer
activities of their children:
• Keep the computer in a public area of the house
• Demand that computers and smartphones be turned off at
a certain time
When kids become untrustworthy and violate the rules I rec-
ommend that parents install a “key logger” on the computer
the kids use. A key logger is a program that will send you all of
the computer activity happening on a computer so you can see
what your kids do and what sites they visit.
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Nudity
s there anything wrong with a father taking a shower
with his toddler-aged daughter? Our family is kind of
uninhibited when it comes to walking around the
house naked. We feel it's a natural thing and don't
think twice about it. Some of our friends, however,
think we're nuts and are messing up our kids.
There is nothing inherently wrong with taking a shower with
your toddler-aged daughter or walking around naked. Being
naked doesn't always have a sexual connotation, and some
people feel more comfortable with their nakedness than oth-
ers. Parents should not shower with their kids once the chil-
dren have reached a certain age, and that age varies from
child to child and situation to situation. If you see your child
looking uncomfortable, ashamed, or embarrassed, or if your
child protests about taking a shower with you, or makes non-
stop inquisitive comments then it is time to stop.
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you, it is not the “typical” acting out kid who might be engag-
Sexting
ing in sexting. Peer pressure for this kind of behavior can be
very high.
You will get a lot of advice from a lot of expert on whether it is
invasion of privacy to check your child’s digital meanderings.
It is. So what? Freedom and responsibility are two concepts
that go hand in hand. It is not necessary to conduct daily
“room sweeps.” However, you should always leave yourself
the option as a parent to see what your kids are up to and
I have heard of something called “Sexting” and I hear
what they are stashing in their drawers, closets and clothing if
it is a problem for a lot of kids. What is it and what
you have a reasonable suspicion.
can I do to prevent it?
Sexting is when kids send each other sexually explicit mes-
sages and pictures of themselves. Aside from being provoca-
tive and exhibitionistic one of the most dangerous aspects of
texting is once a picture is sent, it can be sent to hundreds,
thousands, even tens of thousands of other people and result
in embarrassment and mortification that has led some kids to
commit suicide.
Sexting is not necessarily a “teen” phenomenon. It is also ram-
pant in “tweens,” (ten to twelves).
Kids who act out, act out in more than one way, so if you have
an acting out child and they own a phone with a camera on it
you need to explain to your child that they cannot own a
phone unless you have access to checking what is on it. Mind
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This is the age when parents feel that they need to supervise
Dating
things a bit more carefully. It's also the time when many kids
begin experimenting with sex by playing kissing games at par-
ties and making out.
Although you would think that AIDS has probably made pre-
teens and teens more aware of the dangers of experimenting
with sex, it doesn't seem to have affected their curiosity. Some
people have speculated that preteens and adolescents don't
have a very good understanding of their own mortality and
therefore deny that they could actually be killed by something
like AIDS. This makes it all the more important for parents to
My son is in the fifth grade and wants to go on a date.
keep the issue of AIDS at the top of kids' minds.
I was sure this was much too early for him to start
dating until I overheard his friends talking about go-
ing to the movies and going for pizza afterward. My
husband doesn't seem to think there's any harm in it,
as long as we know where the kids are. What do you
think?
I think the key is to understand what your son means by the
word “date.” For many kids his age a date is when a group of
boys and girls go out together and do something. Many
fourth, fifth, and sixth graders have dates, as well as girl-
friends or boyfriends that last a week or two. From what I can
observe, being part of the dating scene is more of an issue of
status than anything else. As kids enter the sixth and seventh
grades, they become more interested in having a boyfriend or
a girlfriend, and they begin to appreciate the companionship
and intimacy of a close relationship.
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There is a possibility that a preoccupation with sex can come
Interest in Crudity
after an incident of sex abuse, so an inquiry into this possibil-
ity is recommended.
Once ruling out the possibility of sex abuse, I prefer to handle
such situations as an issue of etiquette rather than sexuality or
gender politics. You may communicate to the child that off-
color language and sexual comments are best left to private
conversations with like-minded people, preferably behind a
closed door.
I was picking up my ten-year-old's books the other
day and came across a set of pictures and diagrams
he drew of naked people and of people having sex. He
had also written some crude words and phrases on
other pages of his notebook. What does this mean?
It means that your child is coming into contact with some of
the cruder characterizations of sex and with sexual terms that
are heard in the playground and on the street. Oftentimes, a
child's understanding of these terms and phrases is limited,
but because he's heard them and knows they have something
to do with sex, they have importance. Boys his age and even
younger become keenly interested in the vocabulary of sex
and have decreed that talking tough and using adult sexual im-
agery and vocabulary makes them cool.
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this preference. Ironically, your child is “normal” because be-
Homosexuality
ing gay does not make you “abnormal.”
Homosexuality is not a mental illness. Rather, it is a prefer-
ence for intimacy with a member of the same gender. Many
parents are shocked, disappointed, and hurt when they learn
their children are gay. While therapy will certainly help the
family adjust to the information, it will probably not "make
your son straight," as some parents mistakenly hope for. Some-
times people can be so distraught about homosexual feelings
that they try to pursue a heterosexual lifestyle and that can be
a difficult life at best. I don’t know many parents who would
HOMOSEXUALITY
want that type of suffering for their child.
Our twelve-year-old son recently went through a pe-
Adolescence is an extremely difficult time for teenagers who
riod where he was very depressed. One day, while his
are conflicted about their sexuality. Please find a competent
father was working, he began crying and confessed to
therapist who has experience in these matters.
me that he believed he was gay. I tried to comfort him
because he was so distraught, but I must admit I was
And, most importantly of all, find it in your heart to accept
numb. Later that evening, when I spoke to my hus-
your child’s preference without judging him or her.
band about it, my husband refused to acknowledge
the possibility. He had a private chat with my son and
concluded he was perfectly "normal." Is there any-
thing more we should do?
Your family needs some counseling. There could be something
to your child's belief about being gay, since many people be-
come aware of their preferences very early in life. Your hus-
band saying he’s “normal” evidently suggests he cannot accept
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These factors include a family history of alcohol abuse (chil-
Should Parent’s “Host”?
dren of alcoholics are seven to ten times more at risk for devel-
oping alcohol-related problems), a high degree of conflict in
the family, and low self-esteem.
Children from all types of family backgrounds and socioeco-
nomic strata can fall prey to alcoholism in their pre-teen and
teen years. If you see any of the warning signs of alcoholism in
your child, act quickly. You may consult your pediatrician, or
you may contact a local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Please be advised, letting your child have a sip of beer or wine
SHOULD PARENTS “HOST”?
at the dinner table is a lot different than hosting a keg party at
home so you can keep a watchful eye on your underaged kids
My husband allows our kids to have a sip or two of
and their friends. This scenario is now a crime in many states,
his beer at dinnertime. His theory is that if you let
under statutes which define “hosting” laws. Suffice it to say
them have a little now, they won't think it's anything
that it is impossible to know how many drinks kids will con-
special later on. I tend to agree with him but worry
sume whether they are being watched or not and it is foolish
that they might develop a liking for the taste and
of any parent who thinks they can manage the safety of kids
want more of it later. Are we doing the right thing?
who drink in their home or backyard and then send them off
I have reviewed studies examining whether introducing chil-
on their merry way (especially if they are driving).
dren to alcohol at an early age made them more or less suscep-
tible to problems later on and came up with nothing very con-
clusive. Some cultures, such as the French and the Italians, of-
ten think nothing of allowing kids to sip a glass of wine at din-
ner. I'm not sure that this kind of exposure will either deter or
encourage alcohol abuse later on. Instead, I think other fac-
tors play a much larger role.
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body for sports," or "I think when people are drunk they act
Teaching Kids To Say No
stupid."
The more time you spend discussing this while your kids are
growing up, the more your children will rely on these talks
and strategies, and the less likely they will be to fall prey to
peer pressure. The key is to make drug and alcohol abuse
awareness an important part of family discussions throughout
your child's growing years.
What's the best way to teach my child to say no to al-
cohol and drugs?
The first important step is to start early. Begin by explaining
to children as young as three, four, and five that alcohol is un-
healthy for your body when you drink too much of it. Explain
that it can make you dizzy and sick. Also, begin preparing chil-
dren for specific situations that will come up.
Practice and rehearse situations by asking things like, "When
you are in school people will ask you if you want to drink
beer or alcohol with them. What will you tell them?" As your
kids get older, you will realize that "just saying no" is not
enough. Other kids in the peer group can put a lot of pressure
on them. That's when kids need to be able to give solid rea-
sons for not wanting to drink. These reasons can include: "I
don't like the way it makes me feel," "I don't want to ruin my
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thought she would wait until she was twenty-one before she
Alcohol Advertising
drank it, she just laughed and said, "Nobody waits until they
are legal drinking age before they drink." When I pressed her
and asked how old she thought she would be before she took
her first drink, she giggled and said, "It's not like I've never
had a drink. I took my first drink last year. It's just that I'll
probably be fifteen or sixteen before I own my first bottle."
This conversation was a real eye-opener for me. At eleven
years old this girl had already sampled the product, identified
with it, and had very strong perceptions of how she would like
to associate with it. These are the very kinds of reactions adver-
Recently, my nine-year-old son has begun to collect
tisers stay up all night praying for. People always ask me
advertisements from a company which markets alco-
whether I think these ads were designed to attract children to
hol based drinks in sugary concoctions. I worry that
the market. My opinion on this is that these ads are not actu-
these advertisements are making him more sensitive
ally specifically designed for children this young. I do believe,
to the product and more likely to drink. What can I
though, that they are designed to attract --"new" drinker who
do about it?
are still underage, and I think there is a side effect in that the
I have been concerned about the marketing strategy alcohol
ads attract even younger kids than the advertisers intended.
purveyors use to target kids for a very long time. It's hard for
I don't believe advertisers and liquor companies are so evil
me to believe that the people behind these products and cam-
that they are designing their ads to pull in eleven-year-old chil-
paigns do not know that it is appealing to children. I know one
dren. On the other hand, I think that by now they are fully
eleven-year-old girl who has an entire scrapbook collection of
aware that children are very attracted by the ads, and I don't
vodka ads, labels, and other memorabilia. I asked this girl if
see them doing anything about that.
she thought about drinking the vodka or if she just liked col-
lecting the ads. Her response was, "I think it would be really
One way to sensitize your child to the dangers of drug and al-
cool to drink the vodka, but I know I'm too young to get my
cohol abuse is to review newspaper clippings that recount, in
hands on it. When I'm a little older I know that this is the
detail, alcohol-related car accidents. Ask your child to attend
only brand of vodka I'll drink." When I asked her if she
an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with you or to participate
178
in the organization Students Against Drunk Driving (SADD).
Your daughter needs to see that there is another, less glamor-
ous and potentially deadly, side to this issue.
Take the time