pret it to the second sibling. For instance, Jack pushed Billy
and took his toy. While Billy is complaining about being
pushed, you turn to Jack and say, "It sounds like Billy is upset
because you hurt him and were trying to take away his toy."
While Jack is complaining about Billy hogging the toy, you
turn to Billy and say, "Maybe it would have been a good idea
to let Jack have a turn playing. You could have shared."
After both stories are told, separate the children for a few min-
utes so they can both cool off.
Third, learn how to recognize problems before they happen.
Inoculate the children by identifying potential problems. You
might say, " If you guys are going to play Nintendo, I hope
you are not planning to fight over it, because if you do, I'll
tell you to cut it out once. The second time, I'll turn it off and
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Pesky Younger Siblings
My three-year-old son is always in my seven-year-old
daughter's things. He pulls out her dolls and toys,
barges into her room and makes a mess, and is gener-
ally annoying. This has been driving her crazy. I have
tried to explain to her that he is only a baby, and he
just wants her attention. Don't you think she should
learn how to be patient?
Let's face it, even Mother Teresa has a limit to her patience.
Your three-year-old son is a baby, and yes, your daughter
should have a degree of tolerance of him. However, he is more
than old enough to learn limits and the word No. Don't lay eve-
rything on your daughter—that's not fair, and it will reinforce
the notion that her younger brother is the favored child. You
must step in and make sure that your toddler learns to respect
his sister's private things. Time out either the younger one or
the older one (by saying, “It would be best to put those things
in your room and close the door.”)
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their errands in one day. If you can do this, you can probably
Good Behavior In The Car
find another parent with whom you can leave the kids and re-
turn the favor for him or her at some other point during the
week. The point is that creative solutions do exist, but some-
times you have to put in a little effort to find them.
Now, what about when the kids have you at their mercy and
you have no choice but to have to deal with them in the car?
Here are a few suggestions:
Invest in some digital media with headphones. Purchase or
download some stories and allow them to listen to them only
Well, you can do what most parents do. Glare menacingly over
in the car.
your shoulder, keeping one eye on the road, while leveling the
Stare of Death with the other eye. Then, begin threatening
Fill two cloth bags with car toys and activities. Leave them in
them with all of the things they shouldn't make you do. Here
the car and designate them as in-the-car-only activities.
is a brief list: " Don't make me pull this car over." "Don't make
me come back there and straighten you guys out." "Don't
Make up a set of coupons. Give five coupons to each child at
make me turn this car around and go back home." These tech-
the beginning of the car ride. As soon as they start battling,
niques will result in cramped neck muscles, strained vocal
ask them for a coupon back. The child can trade the remaining
cords, and, when things are really going poorly, damaged
coupons for treats if you are going to the store, or for privi-
front and rear bumpers.
leges after you return home. One parent I know solved the car
battle problems by giving out five coupons on the way to the
Alternatively, you can try to avoid the situation by leaving the
store and five coupons on the way back. The five coupons on
kids with someone on the days you have to run errands. I
the way to the store could be redeemed for snacks or privi-
know that parents hate to hear advice like this because they
leges.
say things like, "Who am I going to leave them with? "
The five coupons on the way home allowed them access to the
On the other hand, I know parents who run errands every day,
snacks or privileges (Remember, I am not too much in favor
when they could just as easily and with less aggravation run
of giving kids food as rewards.)
137
Whatever method you use to reward behavior, it is always a
good idea to rehearse what you will do on long trips or in situa-
tions where you know there will be trouble. Let your kids
know what you expect in terms of behavior, as well as how
they will be rewarded for good behavior.
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more sensitive; instead tell him that you expect it, because
Aloof Older Siblings
your younger son's feelings are important to you, even if they
don't seem to be too important to him. Second, you and your
husband need to make up for the recognition your son is not
getting from his older brother. Acknowledge his accomplish-
ments, praise and reinforce him, and stick up for him when
his brother gives him a hard time. Third, heap mounds of
praise onto the older son when he does show sensitivity, any
sensitivity at all, to his younger brother.
My seven-year-old son worships the ground my
eleven-year-old son walks on, but my eleven-year-old
won't give him the time of day because he is too inter-
ested in being cool. I am worried that my seven-year-
old will develop an inferiority complex because my
older son puts him down. How can I get my eleven-
year-old son to be more sensitive?
The good news is that as your sons get older, the difference in
their age will matter less. As time passes your younger son
should be able to earn the respect of his older brother. Junior-
high-school-aged kids, or kids between the ages of eleven and
fourteen, are consumed by coolness.
I can't blame you for worrying that your younger son's self-
esteem will suffer from being around his brother. One way
you can mediate the situation is by pleading your younger
son's case to his older brother. Don't beg the older child to be
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This is a tough one to pull off, especially with girls. Girls de-
Poularity Differences
velop strong one-to-one relationships, and adding a "third"
tends to create complications. Your older daughter should not
have to rely on her sister to make friends. In time, they will
both come to resent the situation. Instead, take your older
daughter aside, perhaps even plan a special day with her, and
find an appropriate time to express your concern over the fact
that she doesn't have too many friends. Try not to interrogate
her by saying things like, "Why don't you think anyone wants
to play with you?" or " Do you think that if you were a bit
more sensitive people would want to play with you?"
My eight-year-old daughter is very popular, but my
Statements like this will be taken as criticisms, and communi-
twelve-year-old daughter has trouble making friends.
cation will be shut down. Instead, suggest that she invite some-
Every time my younger daughter has friends over,
one over after school or for a sleepover. It would be ideal if
the twelve-year-old tries to ruin it for her and her
this could be arranged during a time when her younger sister
guests. What can I do about this?
is out of the house or is busy doing something with one of her
Parents always remark to me about how totally and com-
friends. It would be unfortunate to get your older daughter to
pletely different their children can be from each other. In this
the point of bringing over a friend and then have that friend
case, one of your daughters seems to be very outgoing and gre-
gravitate toward your younger daughter.
garious, while the other daughter has a difficult time making
friends. Her reaction to your younger daughter's friends is ob-
viously an expression of envy.
Many parents in this situation would advise the younger
daughter to try to adopt the older daughter into her social life,
so that, perhaps, the older daughter might learn to enjoy her
sister's friends and therefore not feel the need to be so disrup-
tive.
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Making Peace After A Fight
How can I get my kids to make peace with one an-
other after a big argument or fight?
I have had some success having siblings sign a "truce" with
one another. This is how it worked in one household: The
Browns have two boys, Mark, who is ten, and Justin, who is
nine. Mark doesn't like it when Justin plays his video games
without his permission, and Justin doesn't like it when Mark
trips him or teases him by calling him names. Mrs. Brown
wrote up a truce whereby Mark and Justin had to promise not
to do what annoyed the other one. The interesting thing about
the truce was that it was tied to chores. If Mark broke the
truce, he had to do Justin's chores, and if Justin broke the
truce, he had to do Mark's chores. Neither child wanted to
give the other the satisfaction of having to do the other's
chores. After all, no amount of satisfaction gained by torturing
one's brother would be worth the gloating that brother would
do while he was watching you do his chores!
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your children and wishing that your daughter could be a little
Playing Favorites
bit more spirited, like your son. You might worry one day that
your daughter may be too passive, too trusting, or too naive.
You probably already appreciate your son's perseverance and
independence. So, you see, it's hard to make a judgment like
that.
But that still doesn't help answer the question of what to do
when your son accuses you of loving your daughter more. Of
course, you realize that what your son is really saying to you
is, "Mom, I can't be as well behaved as my sister because I
don't have that kind of control over myself. Do you love me
I have a five-year-old daughter who is perfectly be-
even though I misbehave?"
haved and a nine-year-old son who is very poorly be-
haved. I almost never have to reprimand my little
There is no need to respond to your son by denying that you
one, but I am almost constantly on my older son's
love your daughter more. Instead, just take him aside and say,
back. When I get on his case, he immediately accuses
"You know, when you say I love your sister more it really
me of loving my daughter more and playing favorites.
sounds very funny to me. I couldn't possibly love you or her
What worries me is that sometimes I feel that I do fa-
more because I love you so differently. I will tell you that I en-
vor the little one because she is so much better be-
joy not having to correct your sister's behavior, but that
haved. Is this wrong?
doesn't make me love her more. There are plenty of things I
enjoy about you, too."
These are hard feelings to face up to. We are all taught that it
is essential to love our children exactly the same, but this, of
course, is impossible. Your daughter gives you less grief and
more pleasure while your son is a handful. On some levels,
I'm sure you appreciate your daughter more. We human be-
ings have such a hard time with the concept of love because it
is so difficult to quantify. Each of your children influences you
in a special way. One day, you might find yourself watching
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Divorce
Some twenty years after we have begun to study
the effects of divorce on children, the jury is still
out as to what the effects of growing up in a
divorced family are. We know that overall,
statistically, most children survive divorce fairly
well. The research shows that children from
divorced families do, however, go through a period
of one to three years of difficult adjustment. Their
school grades suffer, they spend more periods
feeling blue, and they tend to have acting-out
problems. Several studies show that children from
divorced homes tend to have problems in their
own interpersonal relationships, and with
behavioral adjustment.
In my clinical practice I have seen kids who are
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at your house that she might be terrified of leaving. How
Overnight Visitations
much of a true picture of your daughter's growth and develop-
ment will your ex-husband have if he is only allowed an occa-
sional brief visit with your daughter?
Many counselors are beginning to specialize in the problems
created by divorce. I suggest you seek one out. The counselor
will evaluate the situation and listen to your concerns over
whether your ex-husband is prepared to have an overnight
visit with your daughter. If, for some reason, the counselor
feels that the child's father isn't ready for that kind of responsi-
bility, he or she will be able to work with him and bring him to
My ex-husband and I have a sixteen-month-old daugh-
that point. If your husband has relatives (such as your child's
ter. I don't consider my ex to be a very responsible
grandmother or aunt) who live nearby, perhaps they would be
person, and I do not feel that my daughter should be
willing to help him get used to the idea of having a baby
allowed to have overnight visitations with him until
around.
she is at least four or five years old. Wouldn't it be
bad for her to leave me for an overnight visitation?
Many fathers are now demanding to be treated as equals in di-
vorce situations, and I believe they should be when all other
If you were still married and living in the same house to-
factors are equal. Mothers often complain that their ex-
gether, and you had to spend the night out of the house,
husbands only take their children out for good times and then
would you hesitate to let this man take care of her overnight?
drop them off before any of the real parenting work is done,
You say your ex-husband is not a responsible person. How so?
yet they refuse to give these dads the opportunity to partici-
According to whom? If he is very motivated and willing to
pate. The judicial system is waking up to the rights of fathers
show he is responsible, and if he loves your daughter, how
and will often be very sympathetic to fathers who want equal
could she be harmed by an overnight visitation? There might
parenting rights, as long as they have put in the work to de-
even be some benefit to be gained by overnight visits. For in-
serve it..
stance, it is better to get your daughter used to visiting her
dad's house sooner rather than later. If you wait until she is
Please explore your concerns with a qualified professional. I
five years old, she will be so used to spending all of her nights
feel that parents should be restricted from their children, or
144
supervised during visitation, only when they have a history of
violence, drug or alcohol abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse, or
behavior that would clearly jeopardize the health and safety of
a child.
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can call and check in. It would also be nice if the parent being
Interfering With Visitation
visited suggests that the children make the call, just to show
the children that everyone is capable of being nice to one an-
other.
I am a father who has visitation rights with my two
sons, aged three and seven. When they are over at my
house, their mother calls two or three times a day to
check in with them. I resent this a great deal because
it interferes with my time with the children.
Shouldn't she be told to stop?
In general, I think telephoning your children during a week-
end visitation is a good idea. It lets them know that the other
parent cares and is thinking about them. A quick five-minute
conversation is sufficient and does not have to disrupt any-
thing. Telephoning several times a day is not appropriate, how-
ever, and represents a clear attempt to disrupt the visitation.
It is fair neither to the children nor to the other parent.
Reasonable parents can have a civilized discussion about tele-
phone conversations during visitations. It is fair for the parent
being visited to provide a few times when the custodial parent
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the home that is being visited. When visits are missed,
Visits When A Child Is Ill
though, parents should cooperate so that they are made up.
The other day, my son came down with a cold, and
my ex-husband insisted that he go for his typical
weekend visit. I didn't want to argue with him over it,
so I let my son go. Shouldn't he be allowed to miss a
visitation if he's not feeling well?
If the two of you disagree about your son's health, it should be
your pediatrician's call, but really, it shouldn't have to come to
that. Use common sense. If your son is miserable, cranky,
achy, and irritable, why move him around, and, even more im-
portant, why expose him to the stress of the two of you fight-
ing with one another?
Factors to take into account are things like the weather, the
distance the child has to travel, and whether the child is just
coming down with something or is at the tail end of some-
thing. I see absolutely no sense in sending a child who is conta-
gious out for visitation, especially if there are other children in
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protect them. When they hear negative things about their par-
Bad Mouthing The Ex
ents it makes them feel guilty; to absolve themselves of that
guilt, they will often run to the other parent and retell what
they have heard.
It would be a shame if it had to come to this point, but if your
mother doesn't censor what she says about the children's fa-
ther you will have to limit her contact with the children.
BAD MOUTHING THE EX
My mother loves my children more than anything
else in the world, but she is very stubborn. She never
got along with my ex-husband, and now that we are
divorced, she makes no bones about trashing him
whenever she can. The problem is that she won't con-
trol this behavior in front of my children. When they
hear her say bad things about their father they get
very upset, and they tell him about it. How can I get
her to stop?
Your mother needs to learn how to control her temper. You
must take her aside and explain to her that, although she
probably thinks it is her responsibility to inform the children
about what a terrible person their father is, she is actually do-
ing a great deal of harm to her grandchildren. Children feel
very loyal to both parents and will sometimes try their best to
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Unfortunately, it is very common for parents to make false al-
False Allegations
legations of child molestation and/or child abuse during high
conflict custody disputes. Statistics vary, but some tallies indi-
cate that as many as 60 to 80 percent of all allegations of child
abuse during custody disputes prove to be unfounded.
Your belief that your ex-wife is behind your son's concerns
does not suggest that women are any more likely to partici-
pate in these kinds of false allegations than men. I have seen it
on both sides, so often that I am repulsed by it. As usual, the
child comes out the loser in the situation, due to the confusion
and anxiety the situation causes.
I am the father of a three-year-old child and just
went through a very messy divorce. My ex-wife will
Your best course of action in this case is to consult your attor-
do absolutely anything to keep me away from my son,
ney, who may petition the judge to have a professional evalu-
whom I love more than anything else in the world.
ate the situation. Many judges are fed up with false child
Lately, my son has been asking me why I hit him
abuse allegations and can penalize parents quite severely for
when I am angry. The first time he asked me this, I
making false child abuse claims.
nearly fell off my seat. I have never laid a hand on
him, and never will. Since my ex-wife and I have be-
gun fighting for custody, she has made many false al-
legations about my behavior toward my son. The
thing I want to know is: Is it possible for my ex-wife
to convince my son to tell stories about me hitting
him, even if they are not true?
Yes, it is possible for a person to encourage a child of three to
tell stories that are not true. Three-year-old children are just
learning to tell the difference between fantasy and reality and
are very easily led when it comes to situations like this.
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father who love them and want to be with them. The money
Child Support/Visitation
issue is something that needs to be settled through appropri-
ate legal channels. Agencies are forming in every state to deal
with spouses who are delinquent with child support and main-
tenance payments. Explore your recourse with your attorney.
My husband is angry at me for divorcing him and
swears he will never pay me a dime of child support
or maintenance, even if it means his having to go to
jail. Since he refuses to pay me what I need to sur-
vive, I refuse to let him see our five-year-old daugh-
ter. Do I have to allow visitatio