This section of Parenting With Intention shows every
day examples that cover a wide range of parenting situa-
tions. Good leaders have expert knowledge so here is a
foundation for dealing with common parenting issues.
Naturally, not every example will apply to you, and not
every example applies to every child. I hope that by read-
ing these examples you can get a good feel for how to han-
dle common parenting situations.
These questions were originally taken from a parenting
tips hotline I once ran in my practice. Look at the advice
and think about which parenting actions from the last
part apply. There is no single correct answer because dif-
ferent courses of action can bring successful results. The
main point is have a plan of action and intend to pursue
it.
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SECTION 2
Acting Out
All kids misbehave. You will find that intercepting misbehav-
ior and intervening sooner rather than later is often better
than a “wait and see what this turns into,” strategy. This is es-
pecially so when you have more than one child to deal with
and you don’t want them fighting like two cats in a bag.
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SECTION 3
A better strategy would be to be on the lookout for when your
Biting
child looks like he is ready to bite. A firmly spoken “No!” com-
bined with talking away from your child, for a few minutes is
generally all it takes to break this habit.
Reward more appropriate expressions of emotion in your
child. Give praise and hugs when a child expresses herself ap-
propriately. Reinforce the concept of using words not actions
to show feelings. Say something like, “If you are angry you
may say, ‘I’m very angry,’ but you may not bite’.
Even if your child is not old enough to understand the words
My toddler seems to have developed a habit of biting
or concepts, your tone should be more than enough to inter-
me when he’s upset. I have considered biting him
rupt the behavior.
back to show him what it feels like. What should I do?
Toddlers bite for a number of reasons. Some toddlers who
aren’t talking much bite as a means of self-expression. Others
might be very verbal but bite anyway because they have
learned that it gets attention.
Biting is often a phase, but just because it tends to go away on
its own doesn’t mean parents should tolerate it.
Biting your toddler back is not a good idea. Humans can give
nasty bites and if you inadvertently break the skin your child
can get a very nasty infection, not to mention a visit from your
local child abuse authorities. Another reason why you should
not bite is because it models aggressive behavior, so it is en-
tirely possible that this could cause more biting.
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SECTION 4
when she goes into school, if her teacher falls for whatever ex-
Lying
cuse the child gives, then she has lied successfully, twice.
This can go on for the whole year, until parents read some-
thing on the child's report card that indicates there are tons of
missing assignments. Now, kids should only be able to run
this scam once,because after you find out they have been lying
about homework you can stop it by increasing your child's ac-
countability. One way of doing this is to arrange a conference
with your daughter's teacher and work out a weekly home-
work progress report that goes directly from the teacher to the
parent.
My eleven year old daughter lies a lot. She lies about
what she does to her sister, she lies about doing her
You have effectively removed the opportunity to lie, and with
homework, and she lies to her mother about what I
that whatever benefit was gained by avoiding the truth.
(her father) tells her and vice versa. What can we do
A second way to solve lying is to make sure you don't punish a
to get her to tell the truth?
child for telling the truth. If a child knows that you will yell,
The most common reason kids lie is to avoid what they think
carry on, and otherwise make life miserable if he owns up to
will happen if they tell the truth. When whatever method they
his mistakes and misgivings, he will not understand the value
use to avoid the truth succeeds, it strengthens their motiva-
of telling the truth. Does that mean as long as a child tells the
tion to lie again.
truth there should be no consequences? No, not at all. It just
means that telling the truth should always be rewarded and ac-
The goal for parents is to make telling the truth easier than ly-
knowledged; and it means that telling a lie should always be
ing.
dealt with more harshly than telling the truth.
Here is an example: You ask your child if she has any home-
work. She tells you "No,"because she knows there is a good
chance that if she says that, you will leave her alone. If it
works, she has successfully avoided an unpleasant task. It may
even work better than she planned, because the next day,
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SECTION 5
ter how hard you try, you cannot always be certain that you
Spanking As Discipline
are really in control when you are spanking your child. The
possibility always exists that your child will try to jerk away
from you or will trip on something trying to avoid you, and be
injured. Third, spanking tries to prevent a behavior from hap-
pening again by using humiliation as a teaching tool. Humiliat-
ing someone will cause resentment more often than it will en-
hance someone's desire to learn how to behave properly. The
fourth and best reason is the many years of research that show
that spanking just doesn't work and tends to make kids more
aggressive, and less well-adjusted.
When I was growing up, my parents spanked me when
Whenever possible, concentrate instead on encouraging behav-
I misbehaved. I don't feel they ever abused me, and I be-
ior you want to promote in your child. For instance, it is better
lieve that the spanking helped keep my behavior under
to praise a child for using kind, appropriate language than it is
control. I know a lot of so-called mental health experts
to spank a child for using foul language. By the same token, it
are against spanking, and quite frankly, I don't under-
would be better to reward siblings for playing nicely with one
stand why. If a parent is in control when he or she
another than to spank them for behaving aggressively toward
spanks a child, is it really such a terrible thing?
one another.
Yes, it is a terrible thing. There is an enormous amount of research
out there that shows that spanking is not a very effective way of
managing a child's behavior, or of accomplishing the task that disci-
pline should accomplish, which is teaching and promoting more
positive behavior in children.
Spanking also has several bad side effects. First, it is aggres-
sive, hostile behavior. This is not something you want to sub-
ject a child to. You certainly don't want to use aggression to
discipline a child for being aggressive himself. Second, no mat-
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SECTION 6
household routine is hostile and chaotic, if it is a place where
Time Out Doesn’t Work
people are always yelling, punching each other around, or criti-
cizing, then there is no reason for a kid to want to go back into
that environment. Time out might actually represent a wel-
come relief from that environment.
The second most important thing is that the goal of time out is
not to have your child come out with a new lease on life. Par-
ents often interrogate kids coming out of time out as if they
were their children's parole officers. "Do you know why what
you did was wrong?" "Did you spend any of your time think-
ing about your behavior?" "Do you promise not to ever do
I have been using "time out" as a way of disciplining
that again?" "Would you like to come out and apologize to
my six-year-old son when he misbehaves. Whenever I
everyone whose feelings you hurt today?" Who would want
send him up to his room, though, he never seems to
to come out of time out and have to deal with all of that? Time
care. He'll stay in there just to be spiteful, and then
out is effective because it interrupts a negative behavior (such
he'll come out and tell me he doesn't care how many
as talking nasty to a brother or sister) before it has the oppor-
times I send him up to his room. What can I do?
tunity to be rewarded by something negative (your child get-
Time out is probably the most common technique parents use
ting to see his or her brother or sister in a tortured state, and
to discipline their kids. On the surface, the concept of "time
getting away with it).
out" seems pretty simple—if your child misbehaves, you send
Be mindful of the amount of time you "sentence" your child
him off to his room to cool off and think about his behavior. In
to. Time out doesn't have to be long to be effective. A good
reality, using time out effectively means that you have to un-
rule of thumb is a minute for every year of the child's age up
derstand some of the fine points behind the concept, and
until five, then no more than fifteen or twenty minutes. Also,
these fine points are rarely taught to parents.
time out doesn't have to be just for your child. Use the period
First, the most important element of time out is that the child
to cool yourself off a bit and reflect on your own temper and
has to be taken out of an environment that is inherently re-
behavior.
warding. What does that mean? It means that if your normal
85
Parents often want to know what to do if they send their kids
to time out and they won't go. The solution for this is not to ar-
gue with them about it—this will only take the focus away
from the original negative behavior. If the child won't go into
time out, simply say (in a very calm, measured tone), " You've
got one more chance to go into time out. If you don't go to
your room and cool off for a few minutes, there are going to
be consequences later. It's your choice." Then, walk away. The
advantage that parents have over kids is that kids need their
parents for everything: rides to friends' houses, treats, dessert,
television privileges. Over time, you can make it clear to your
child that if she doesn't want to go to time out, she will not
have access to all of those perks and goodies that parents pro-
vide for their children—it's as simple as that. Later on in the
day when your child wants a special favor you say (without
spiteful-ness or hostility), "When I told you to take a time out
before, you wouldn't go to your room and cool down. That
made me quite upset. If you do something that is wrong and
I ask you to go to time out, I expect that you will go, cool off,
and come out. Then we can both forget about it. I can't do
what you want today, but tomorrow's another day, and I
won't be upset anymore, and hopefully you'll listen to me
when I ask you to take your time out."
This little speech usually works wonders, but you have to stick
to your guns and be sure you don't make a battle out of it.
Some kids will test you on it, and the stubborn kids will frus-
trate you to tears. Be firm.
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SECTION 7
I have resolved this issue by recommending that parents try to
Doing Chores
provide a choice between taking something away and giving
something positive. Here is one example:
Mr. and Mrs. Johnson tell me that the only way they can get
their ten-year-old son, Brian, to clean his room is to perform
"surprise inspections." If his room is messy, they go to a chart
that has a drawing of sixteen quarters on it, one for every quar-
ter of his four-dollar allowance, and they cross one quarter off.
At the end of the week he finds out how much money he has
lost for the next week. This technique worked very well, but I
felt uncomfortable because Brian was always losing some-
I've tried every positive way I can think of to get my
thing, even if he kept his room mostly neat. I offered the fol-
nine-year-old son to cooperate around the house. The
lowing suggestion: Why not offer Brian an incentive for doing
only thing that seems to work is when I take things
a good job? If a whole week went by and he only lost three
away from him. My wife and I feel very guilty over the
quarters or less, he would receive a bonus of a dollar the next
fact that the only way we can get our son to do his
week. The bonus worked out just fine. Eventually his parents
chores is by constantly threatening him. What can we
picked up on the idea and expanded it by telling Brian that if
do to motivate him?
he had a good week he would receive a coupon for the next
Parents and children fall into patterns in the way they commu-
week. The coupon said "Stay Away From My Room," and it
nicate and deal with one another. You and your wife have man-
could be hung on his door any day to avoid surprise inspec-
aged to create a method of communication that seems to work
tions. In essence, Brian got a day off when he could keep his
but that doesn't make you feel very good. By and large, I usu-
door closed and live the way ten-year-old kids tend to live. It
ally don't recommend taking things away or threatening kids
was a great compromise all around. After all, how bad could a
to get them to do things, but I have to tell you that sometimes
kid's socks smell up the house, behind a closed door, for just
it is the only thing that seems to work. I can imagine how
one day? (All right, maybe that was a bad example, but I'm
guilty you and your wife feel about using this technique, be-
sure you get the point.)
cause I feel just as guilty recommending that parents do it!
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SECTION 8
from either you or her mom. What you haven't been able to do
Arguing, Whining and Cry-
is withstand her behavior well enough to teach her that the
world will not end if she doesn't get what she wants.
ing
First, examine your feelings. Are you afraid that she will hate
you if she doesn't get her way? That would not be an unreason-
able fear, since she probably tells you that she will hate you if
she doesn't get her way. Are you afraid that if you don't let her
get her way she will be hurt? A lot of parents can't stand see-
ing their kids in discomfort. Finally, are you concerned that if
you don't let her get her way, she'll continue nagging until you
totally lose it and have to make a short, but well-deserved trip
My eleven-year-old daughter is a world-class nagger.
to the local in-patient psychiatric facility? This would be an-
Whenever she can't get her way, she argues, beys,
other acceptable reason, since parents can sometimes get so
pleads, whimpers, cries, and actually has the nerve to
enraged at this kind of behavior that they worry that they will
let us know that if she doesn't yet what she wants she
lose it big-time. These thoughts and feelings can take you far
will continue. She can usually wear us down to the
away from the position you want to be in when dealing with
point where we will finally give in. Is there any way
this kind of behavior. By this time your daughter is an expert.
we can stop her?
She's got a specialty. She's got a lot of time under her belt.
One day, when you are very old and your nerves have been
She's got confidence. She's got an impressive track record.
worn down to little, teensy nubs, you will see that your daugh-
You need a plan.
ter's persistence actually will get her far in life. Your goal is to
Here it is:
be sure that you do not encourage her to be a person who,
while being persistent and goal-directed, is impossible to be
First, confront the problem on your own terms, during a time
around. You and your wife have unwittingly, to save your own
of your own choosing. The worst time to confront the problem
sanity, gently encouraged your daughter's behavior by giving
is when she's doing her thing and emotions are high on both
in to her. Your daughter has probably been a strong-minded
ends. Wait until everything's cozy. Offer her a little extra time
kid from the very beginning. She probably gets some of her
up at bedtime. Kids will do anything to avoid going to sleep—
perseverance (which is the positive, flip side of stubbornness)
they'll even entertain thoughts of changing their behavior (ac-
88
tually, they won't see it like that, but it will help if you do).
night? " give her a brief refresher on the ground rules, and re-
Next, bring up a recent situation and explain that you have
turn with either a yes, a compromise, or a no. Remind your
been giving it a lot of thought and have come to realize that
daughter that she has one more chance to reargue her posi-
there is room for improvement in the way certain decisions
tion, and then end it.
are made. Then, completely shock her by saying that some-
times you are a bit too quick to say no when she asks you for
You will be rewarded for following all of this advice with the
things. Observe the glazed look of almost delirious satisfaction
usual barrage of nagging, whining, and bone-numbing tactics
that comes over her. At this point you have actually hypno-
that you have received in the past. But this time you will have
tized her into thinking this conversation is about you and your
new resolve. You will realize that this, indeed, is the beginning
behavior. Tell her that you would like to give her more of what
of the end—your daughter's last noble attempt to shatter your
she wants with less arguing and frustration.
spirit. "Poor, beautiful, sweet angel," you will repeat to your-
self, while only ever-so-slightly grinding down your molars.
Now comes the part where you shift gears a little. Tell her that
Stick to your guns and you will have more and more success.
the reason you are so quick to say no is that everything has be-
Understand that even when you are inclined to say yes right
come such a battle and a struggle that you just want it to end
away, you will still always say that you will think about it. This
as quickly as possible. Offer to point out that the next time she
way, when you do say yes, you will appear magnanimous and
asks for something you will say, "I'd like to think about this a
kind, and her need to campaign will be satisfied as well.
little before I give you an answer." She will have to promise
to agree to let you think about it or the answer becomes an
automatic, an unchangeable no. She is not allowed to say,
"No, Dad, I need an answer now." Go on to say that all impor-
tant decisions will have to be made by you and Mom together.
Finally, conclude by saying that if you give something a lot of
thought and your answer is still no, she will be allowed to pre-
sent her case one more time before the matter is closed.
None of this will mean much at this point. The Day of Reckon-
ing is the next time she presents you with a request and you
remind her that this is precisely the type of thing you were
talking about "the other night." After she says " What other
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SECTION 9
or cigarette habit. Realize that stealing is not necessarily an
Stealing
omen of a lifelong tendency to participate in criminal behav-
ior. More than likely it is not. Just be sure to discuss all of the
possibilities. Aside from giving you some reasonable hunches,
it will also take the edge off some of your anger.
If you have seen the action take place, please resist asking a
bunch of questions designed to let your child incriminate him-
self. For instance, don't say "Planning on making any major
purchases in the near future, Joey?" or Similarly, don't try to
pretend that you have super-sleuthing powers by making up a
dumb story like, "You know, I just read about some invisible
The other day I caught my ten-year-old son stealing
powder you can sprinkle on money, and if the money is sto-
ten dollars off my bedroom dresser. This alarmed me
len you can shine a light onto someone's hands to see if they
and my husband. We confronted him about it, but he
touched it. I bought some just for a joke and put it all over
just kept denying it. How should we handle it?
this ten-dollar bill I had on the dresser, and now the bill is
When parents suspect that their child has stolen from them
gone." Talk like this will probably succeed in raising your
they are, all at once, terrified, ashamed, embarrassed, angry,
child's anxiety and may in fact make it more likely for him to
and heartbroken. This cascade of feelings is likely to cause you
try to avoid the topic or assert his innocence. Skip over all of
to come up with any number of strategies for confronting the
that, and simply tell him what you saw. Say, "I saw you take
problem. Certainly, it should never be done by just one parent
some money of mine, and I'd like us to talk about it." If he
if both are available. The discussion that should precede your
starts to deny it, cut it short by saying, "This is a serious thing.
action should focus on why your child might feel the need to
I'd prefer to talk about it, but if you feel that you can't right
steal. Sometimes it is a sign that the child is feeling unat-
now, you'll have to spend some time in your room thinking
tended to or neglected. Sometimes it signifies anger or acting
about it. You'll still have to talk about it when you come out,
out because peers might have access to something that he
so we might as well just do it now."
doesn't have access to (trading cards, video games, sneakers
The