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Media Influence
The issue of how the media influences our children
has never been as important as it is today, and it
will continue to be even more important in the
near future. For one thing, there is a greater
variety of media to influence our kids: print, radio,
tape, live television, recorded television, video,
movies, computer and video games, internet,
phones, social media— the list goes on and on. And
these forms of media are becoming more complex,
more interactive, and more pervasive. We once
worried about television because it was passive
and hypnotic; now we can worry about it because
it is interactive and hyper-real. We once worried
about media because it could be so subtle and
suggestive. Now we worry because it is is
omnipresent and impossible to disconnect from.
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No one knows your children better than you do. What is the
Violent Movies
reaction likely to be? If they are frightened by a movie, will
they forget about it two hours later and beg to see it again? Or
do they take life seriously, identify with all of the characters in
the movie, and feel as though these things are happening to
them? If you are unsure, talk with them about what is going to
happen in the movie first, especially about scenes that may be
frightening or disturbing. The reasoning "It's only a movie"
might not be too effective with a four-year-old child who may
be just learning to tell the difference between fantasy and real-
ity.
My four-year-old son and six-year-old daughter
If you have any doubts, don’t hesitate to leave that movie off
wants to watch a movie that other kids in their grade
of your list of acceptable entertainment activities. You don’t
watch. The problem is that there are several scenes in
need that kind of “optional” worry. It’s as simple as that.
that movie that terrify me, so I hate to think of what
they'll do to my kids! Should I take the chance and let
Violent media absolutely influences the behavior of children.
them watch the movie, or should I let them feel miser-
For children who are apt to act out aggressively, the influence
able because every other child has seen it, but they
is likely to be stronger. In other words watching violence can
aren't allowed to?
facilitate or de-sensitize children, so censor media accord-
ingly.
Some kids can have very bad reactions to movies—not only
the bloody, violent kind, even some of the so-called family-
Some research suggests that children who grow up on a steady
oriented entertainment. These reactions can range from not
diet of television tend to have more problems with emotional
being able to sleep and having bad dreams to full-blown pho-
adjustment and are more likely to get into trouble with the
bias. There are also kids who are completely unfazed by media
law. On the other hand, there are those who believe that televi-
gore and violence. These are some of the same kids who like to
sion is merely a window into a violent society, and that even if
touch frogs and pull the legs off bugs and who believe that the
television were completely abolished, we would still have vio-
family fishbowl and a microwave oven combine to make an in-
lent crime, prejudice, and hatred. In some ways we can ask,
teresting science experiment.
110
"Does television create violence or merely reflect it?" Discus-
children by using it as an electronic baby-sitting service, then
sions like these exist too far out in the abstract for me. Parents
television will shape children's lives according to the message
want me to answer questions about what their children should
of the content of the shows. If, on the other hand, parents
be watching now.
choose to take an active part in their children's lives, the im-
pact of what is seen on television will be minimal.
All parents should be competent at observing their own chil-
dren's reactions to things. When you look at your children and
how they behave in your home, what do you see? Do they go
wild when an action-adventure movie comes on? Do they start
punching one another around while they are watching wres-
tling on television? Think about it. If your son or daughter was
a straight-A student and had lots of friends, but liked watch-
ing movies where things got blown up or people got shot, do
you think those movies would cause the child to suddenly
snap and become delinquent one day?
I believe that what we see on television and in the movies
most definitely influences our behavior. I would worry about a
child who grows up in a house where he has very little contact
with his mother or father, but consumes a steady diet of vio-
lent television. My concern would be that without the founda-
tion that good parenting provides, the child would develop his
conceptions of the world around the things he has become
most familiar with. On the other hand, I wouldn't worry about
a child who watches a few hours of television a day in a home
where there is a loving relationship between a mother and fa-
ther and love and attention shown toward the child. I believe
that, ultimately, it is the parents' influence on the child that de-
termines what other forces and influences shape behavior. If
parents choose to allow television to shape the lives of their
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Satanic Messages
Our twelve-year-old daughter will only listen to
"heavy metal" music. We have heard that there are sa-
tanic messages embedded in the music that can influ-
ence children. Is this true?
Even if messages were subliminally placed in the music they
would not influence your child's behavior. Research on this
subject does not indicate that subliminal messages influence
behavior in any way. Think about it—if subliminal messages
could influence us, advertisers would probably have us all act-
ing like spend-happy zombies by now! Oh wait, bad example!
As children reach their teen years, they are influenced more
by their friends than by their parents, and that is where your
concerns should lie. Musical preferences, sexual activity, and
drug and alcohol abuse are all influenced by peers. That's why
it is very important to communicate with your children when
they are very young and more readily influenced by what you
say.
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find out more about them. Try to tolerate watching or even
Video Games
playing them a bit with your child. Always remember, too,
that parents are the ones who ultimately control the amount
of video-game playing or television watching a child does. The
game or set can always be turned off until chores or home-
work are done.
The best advice I can give applies to video games and any sin-
gular activity your child involves himself in: set limits and
stick to them. Good leaders lay down the laws and then they
enforce them!
My ten-year-old is obsessed with playing video
games. When he comes home from school that's all
he will do. He has no friends and no social life unless
the kids he's playing with are just as much into these
stupid games as he is. What can we do?
The first thing you can do is try to understand what kind of
need playing the video games might be satisfying. Some kids
are driven to become expert video-game players because it
gives them a lot of social power. They can demonstrate their
skill to friends, brag about high scores, or share important se-
crets about playing the game. Sometimes, kids play video
games to avoid social contact with other kids. Do you think
your child feels neglected or left out by his friends? If so, why
not plan a social event that he can invite one friend along on?
Parents are often put off by video games, but if they are part of
your child's social and experiential worlds, take the time to
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• Keep a box in a prominent area of your home. Cell phones
Cell Phones
must be deposited in the box and cannot come out until you
say.
• No cell phone use in their bedroom or at the table unless
permission is given.
• Cell phone use includes texting.
In todays social networking mileau children have the opportu-
nity to be connected and stay connected to many peers. It is a
“many to many” form of communication, so peer to peer influ-
ence is enormous. Your job as a family leader is to remain the
Help! I can’t get my kid to put her cell phone down.
most influential person in your kids lives, and you have to
She texts all day long. She texts at the dinner table.
work to make that happen.
She walks around with earphones plugged in all of
the time. What can I do to “disconnect” her?
Following the four simple limitations above should teach your
kids the manners they need to learn in order to curb the rude-
We can talk about the evils of cell phones, but that wouldn’t
ness that comes along with cell phone use.
be a very practical conversation. Cell phones are ubiquitous.
They are not going anywhere. They have their plus sides (in
emergency situations), but I tell parents that cell phones
would not be such a problem if kids had to earn using them as
a privilege (especially at or before about age 14).
So before you buy a cellphone for your kids negotiate to your
advantage...
• Tell them they must pay for a portion of the bill, regardless
of how small it might be. If you pay for you kids cell phone,
they will not appreciate the convenience you have provided
for the, and they will abuse the privilege.
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School and Learning Issues
When children begin school, a whole new set of
issues emerges. One large issue for many parents
is how much help to give their children on
homework and school projects. Most parents feel
that their children's schoolwork is a reflection on
them—how well their home is run, how smart they
are. Some parents become active and very
involved, sometimes even too involved. Other
parents don't spend enough time communicating
with teachers and keeping on top of their
children's work habits.
These days parents have to be strong advocates for
their children. It is important to get a good sense
of where your kids' teachers are coming from.
Hopefully, more times than not, you will find that
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Flash cards might be a little too structured and regimented.
Reading At An Early Age
Start your child off with some magnetic letters that stick onto
a board. See if she can recognize and remember them. If her
attention seems to wander, or she loses interest, don't push
her any further. You don't want to risk frustrating her. Let her
set the pace for your "reading" lessons. Always provide her
with as many books as she will show interest in. While I am
not a really big fan of teaching children to read before they are
ready, I am a big believer in exposing children to books as of-
ten and early as possible.
READING AT AN EARLY AGE
My three-year-old child is very interested in reading.
She will sit and look at the pictures in books for
hours and can quickly memorize stories and "read"
the stories back. I was wondering if I should start
teaching her to read using flash cards. Do you think
this would be too much for her?
You certainly have a bright and eager three-year-old. It is al-
ways so much of an advantage when children are naturally mo-
tivated to learn. In your daughter's case, you will have to be
sure that you don't push her so hard that she burns out early.
Some people have had a little success teaching children under
the age of four to read, but many of these children later lose
what they gain. It's almost as if the motivation was there but
the readiness was not.
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tive perception about school, and that is certainly something
Kindergarten Readiness
you would like to avoid.
Provide some enriching experiences during the year you keep
him out of school. This can be done at a formal pre K pro-
gram, or even right at home. The activities should include crea-
tive ones such as painting and coloring, but also |activities re-
lated to early academic skills. He can practice saying the alpha-
bet or do simple counting games. Also, set some higher behav-
ioral standards in terms of how long he can sit still. I am a big
believer in exposing children to books as often and early as
possible, but not the point of frustration.
Our son Josh will be technically able to start kinder-
garten this September, but my husband and I have
some concerns about this. He will be one of the
youngest children in his class, and he is still a bit im-
mature. He cries easily and is still quite clingy.
Should we let him go to all-day kindergarten and
hope he matures during the year, or should we hold
him back so that he can mature at home?
This is just about the only wise time to hold a child back. (If it
were second or third grade and he were having a difficult
time, it would be a different analysis. The points you raise are
all very good. If Josh is still immature for his age, there is
really no need to send him to kindergarten. Children’s aca-
demic and behavioral maturity at kindergarten age varies tre-
mendously from child to child. If you introduce him into
school and he has a poor adjustment, he could develop a nega-
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one has to do is acknowledge their performance. They re-
Problems With Teachers
spond to warmth. I have met many teachers like Mrs. Martin.
Underneath all of that grumpiness, many are truly concerned
about children, although they have a tough time showing it. It
makes a person wonder why they chose teaching as a profes-
sion to begin with. Unfortunately, Mrs. Martin is not im-
pressed by the fact that your daughter has a desire to earn her
praise. That's too bad, because it really is so easy to give. In-
stead, Mrs. Martin would prefer to see her simply stay in her
seat and do her work.
There are at least two ways to approach this situation. The
My child's third-grade teacher seems very mean. My
first involves scheduling another appointment with Mrs. Mar-
daughter has always been a very good student, but
tin. Don't you dread it already? As you prepare to meet her,
lately she has been coming home terrified and upset.
please remember that you have already completed the third
When I ask her what's wrong, she tells me Mrs. Mar-
grade and that Mrs. Martin is not your teacher. That's not to
tin is always yelling at her. I went up to speak with
say you shouldn't give her the respect she deserves (but you
Mrs. Martin and she told me, "There's nothing wrong
may make fun of her perfume or hair after you have left the
with your daughter or her performance in class. I get
building). Don't assume that you know more about teaching
the feeling that sometimes she wants to be babied,
than she does, because unless you are an educator, you proba-
but I've got twenty-two students who need my atten-
bly don't.
tion. She'll get over it." I feel so bad for my daughter.
Her first- and second-grade teachers absolutely
Explain to Mrs. Martin that your daughter has been blissfully
adored her, and she looked forward to going to
happy in school up until this point, and now you are finding it
school every day. Now, before school, she has stom-
difficult to get her out of the house. Continue by saying that
achaches and headaches and tries to avoid going to
you can appreciate how many other students she has to tend
school whenever she can. What should I do?
to, and that her job is difficult, but you are naturally con-
cerned about your daughter and how she feels about school.
It seems as though your daughter is the type that enjoys pleas-
Gently suggest that Mrs. Martin consider making her a special
ing adults. Kids like this are very easy to motivate because all
helper or otherwise make her feel a bit more at home. At this
118
point Mrs. Martin may actually begin to soften up, in which
much stronger. If you feel that your child's teacher is damag-
case she will probably do her best to raise your daughter's com-
ing his or her self-esteem, make an appointment to talk with
fort level. There is also a chance that she will be just as stub-
the school principal about it, and don't stop talking about it
born and ornery as she was the last time you spoke with her.
until you get a satisfactory resolution. Schools will often con-
If that's the case be sure to make fun of her hair or perfume
vey that they don't appreciate parents telling them what to do,
when you leave the building (but refrain from sharing these
but when it is clear that your child is being hurt, be persistent.
comments with your daughter), and move to the second strat-
This is definitely a case where the squeaky wheel gets the
egy.
grease.
The second strategy involves explaining to your daughter that
you understand why she has a problem with Mrs. Martin.
Share that you had two meetings with Mrs. Martin and felt
that she wasn't exactly being overly friendly to you, either. Tell
her that, on the other hand, you don't feel as though Mrs. Mar-
tin is a terrible person. Go on to say that you meet all kinds of
people while you are growing up—some nice, some not-so-
nice—and sometimes you don't have a choice about which
ones you have to deal with. Encourage her to share her feel-
ings about Mrs. Martin often, so that she always has a sympa-
thetic ear. Finally, try to involve your daughter in an activity
that is supervised by an adult who can appreciate her fine
qualities. Kids tend to generalize, and we wouldn't want your
daughter to allow herself to think that all of a sudden Mrs.
Martin accurately represents how all adults will react to her.
By the way, in this example, Mrs. Martin is not portrayed as
an incompetent teacher, just as one who is insensitive to this
particular child's personality. You might find yourself stuck
with a teacher who is truly mean and is critical and hurtful to
your child. If this is the case, your advocacy position must be
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tasks, "zoning out," and a high degree of frustration over sim-
Attention
ple but concentration-intense work, such as schoolwork.
Some common techniques that are used with children who
have these problems include breaking larger tasks into
smaller tasks, using checklists to help organize and complete
work, removing distractions from the homework environ-
ment, allowing your child to dictate work that doesn't have
penmanship as the main focus, and requiring smaller
amounts of high quality work, as opposed to large amounts of
work that will result in frustration and annoyance.
My second-grade-aged son takes three hours to do a
Contact your child's teacher to discuss ways of better structur-
twenty-minute homework assignment. He sits at the
ing your child's work habits. Then contact your pediatrician,
table and just tunes out. He sharpens pencils, walks
who will help you find a child behavior specialist who can
around aimlessly, or doodles on his homework pa-
evaluate your child, confirm the diagnosis of ADD, and sug-
pers. When he does his work, his effort is poor and
gest an appropriate treatment plan.
his work is well below what we know he is capable of
doing. Why does he waste so much time, when he can
be playing with his friends within a half hour after he
starts his work?
It is possible that your son has a problem with maintaining at-
tention and concentration. It would be a good idea to have
him evaluated for a condition known as Attention Deficit Dis-
order (ADD). While many hyperactive children have ADD,
many children who are not hyperactive also suffer from it
(some estimate that it may affect one in every seven to ten chil-
dren). The main symptoms are inability to focus, procrastinat-
ing over work, difficulty maintaining attention on even simple
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press appetite (mostly during the initial phases of administra-
Hyperactivity
tion) and also tends to slow a child's rate of growth. It doesn't
stop a child's growth, but in some children it will take them
longer to reach their full height. (These side effects don't oc-
cur in all children who use the medication.) An additional con-
cern for parents is something we call Ritalin crash. At the end
of the day kids who are on Ritalin can become irritable and
edgy as the medication wears off.
If you are satisfied that you have tried everything else, sit
down and have a conversation with your pediatrician about
the possibility of using Ritalin or another drug on a trial basis.
Last year our son was diagnosed as hyperactive. We
Work with a child behavior expert who will observe and meas-
have gone to counseling, worked closely with the
ure certain behavior before you begin the trial, and then again
teachers at school, and tried our best to structure our
after it has started. The observations should be as objective as
home in a way that addresses his needs. Our progress
possible. If there appears to be measurable improvement, pro-
seems to have leveled out, and we are wondering
ceed through another period. The worst thing a parent can do
whether medicating him with Ritalin is a good idea.
in a situation such as this is use the pediatrician to write the