Chapter Six
I'm trippin' out here.
I know you are, you really should stop taking that stuff.
So you are finally telling me?
Yes, and it's a damn shame that I have to! I don't want to have to scold you but geesh you are as bad as a kid! You can't keep taking that shit like you're doing and expect for things to be just fine.
I know that but, I just need it.
You're addicted?
I want to say no.
Look, nothing is permanent.
Jeeze I feel like everyone knows I'm on it.
They do.
I know they do because I do and they are part of me. All is one right? Yes.
So if I know something then they do too? Our minds are one as well?
Yes, if you choose that.
So why does it LOOK like they don't know I'm on it?
Because you have chosen this as your next comfortable situation.
I get it, I remember a time when I was so worried about people looking at me and thinking, "He's fucked up." But now, I really don't care. I MEAN I DO CARE, but I don't think people THINK I am fucked up. Not anymore.
You are doing what you think is necessary to ensure your life continues in the right direction.
Pretty much, but only because when I don't take it things seem to start falling apart on me. It's like I gave up an effort or something... I feel guilty, like it is my duty to stay 'fucked up' so that reality will remain in the right balance.
That is pretty sad.
I know.
I know you know but don't get down on yourself; it will only make things worse.
I remember when I told one of my ex-girlfriend's that I took this stuff she told me one time, "I don't care if you have to take it but only take it if you need to and don't be an asshole!"
She was right.
What? Are you saying it is okay to take drugs?
No! I didn't say that! What is it you are taking? Is it a drug?
I am not going to tell these people what I have been taking because I don't want them to think that they could go out and take it and get the same result.
That is very honorable. It is not okay to take drugs. I am telling you this now because I think you already know the sacrifice that must be made for you-JAY to see heaven.
I know.
Don't be sad, you are helping so many people. You have no idea. Do you even remember what you told yourself when you decided you were going to have to keep taking this stuff on a regular basis?
Actually, I do.
Listen up people: Jay has been abusing an over the counter drug that is not illegal for the past 10 or so years straight. He finally told himself that if it ends up killing him at an early age, then at least he would be teaching everyone a lesson.
That IS what I said huh?
Yes.
Why then do I still take it? Help me here. I can't tell anyone, because I know they will think I am just making excuses. They will say you're just an addict!
They will say that.
But I don't want them to 'think' that!
Does it really matter what others think of you?
I guess not. Can't we just forget it? Let's drop it.
What? I can't tell the truth?
Don't make me look like I want pity or something. I don't! And for all you know I may not die. Ever!
Okay.
Okay.
Listen to me good, I think you know in your heart why you continue to take the stuff. Do you get high off of it?
No, I can't even feel it when I take a normal dose at the start of the day.
Then why do you take it?
To make my mind right, I can tell if it is going to be a bad day. I can read my body and my emotions. I KNOW when I should take a bit of medication.
Then you are not abusing it. Some people take LOADS of prescription drugs on the hour, every hour, just to keep their minds right. You know this. You have seen countless people, even married couples who truly DO ABUSE their prescription drugs. No one takes medicine as it is prescribed because no two bodies are alike. Even twins have different fingerprints, and some have different allergies. YOU and ONLY YOU can tell what is right for YOU.
Thank you for helping me with this. I know I would be better off without it if I could manage, but I really just think it will be too hard, and I have too many people counting on me to keep a level head.
It's my honor, and I wasn't trying to make anyone pity you. Have you published this book yet?
No.
Then no one can see it but you. There is nothing to worry about. As far as this is concerned you are leaving a journal.
Thank you. I know this but I just can't stand people looking at me like a deadbeat.
I know, I am truly sorry my son. Some people WILL call you a dead beat. Some people will joke of you. Some people well, let's just say all existence doesn't have as pure a heart as you do.
I have a pure heart? Even though I have literally killed myself over all these years?
You could never grasp the thought of how PURE your heart really is.
You are an angel. So much of one, you can't wait to get back to being one.
I think I know what you mean.
As strange as it may sound, this is not a first for me. You actually are killing yourself just so that the world around you will be in harmony. I truly can't find any SIN in that.
REALLY? Who else has ever done such a thing? And I thought the body was supposed to be the temple of GOD?
Ozzy Osbourne and Michael Jackson for starters, not to mention Jesus! Keep on digging and you will find whatever it is you are looking for. I can only help you forgive yourself so that you can start the healing. You run nearly every day right?
Yes.
You stay active, and happy, and helpful and bring JOY to others lives! I stay SWEATY. I sweat like a pig.
You can say that again! Only that is a misconception, pigs don't actually sweat. That is why they get into mud puddles, to help themselves cool down. Now don't take my helping you feel better and move past this point as, by any means, my consent to continue on taking OTC drugs by the handful. It is simply an attempt to show you that you need not remove yourself from existence in order for it to be perfect.
I think I understand.
I know you think you have come a long way but really, you have just begun.
That sucks. I know.
Yeah, Jesus Christ.
Hey! Jesus Christ is not a swear word, he’s your savior.
Yeah, yeah, I Know.
Now is the time Jay. You should see the goal set before you and work toward it.
You mean what I have already, minus the pills right?
Yes.
For the first time I truly can’t see any reason why I shouldn't be able to start whittling away at it little by little.
Good, but you will.
Huh? So you are already guessing I will fail if I try to quit?
No, I am just trying to point out that when you decide to be a certain thing, the opposite will begin to show up as to allow you to express that part of yourself you wish to see appear.
Okay, alright. So the way things work is: I decide to quit taking the pills, drinking, smoking, and all that stuff and what will happen is I will get the opportunity to do all those things again. And when the opportunity arises it will seem like the right thing to do. But it is my job to say no and to realize that the showing up of that opportunity was just a gift to me that would allow me to express and experience what I choose to be (namely pill, drink, and smoke free)?
That's sounds pretty much right on the money.
Hmm, that is pretty interesting! So GOD will not give us what we ask for out right. But God will provide us with the opportunity to experience what it is we wish to become?
Precisely.
I think I get it.
Good, and another thing, all those people you see as people who are counting on you actually LOVE you. They would rather you be happy then helpful, trust me.
I think I know what you mean.
Do you?
Well, my manager Rose I think is one of those people. I was buying my medicine next door at a local store by my work because it was WAY cheaper than CVS or Walgreens. Little did I know her son was the one on the register. He would see me day after day buying the same thing in my work clothes so there is no telling what he must have been thinking. Shortly after he realized I worked for his mom, they stopped ordering my medicine. I can only guess he reported it to his mom and she asked him to quit selling it to me.
That is probably what happened. They were only trying to help.
I know, but all they managed to do was turn my business elsewhere and cost me more money every week! People can be so judgmental!
Or loving, I know it is difficult to accept right now but there is no greater truth than this: Everyone loves you!
I feel that I will come to realize that and I know it's true. I just wanted to explain my side of the story.
Then go ahead.
I know they think I am taking an entire box at a time or something, but I'm not! I take small doses throughout the day, equaling almost a box some days. I have to. If I don't my blood pressure goes whack, and my histamines get crazy! I did it to myself! I took it for the wrong reasons when I was younger and now I am paying the price. That's all.
Are you finished?
Yeah I guess.
Good, let's move on now that we've all had to hear YOUR side of the story.
Fine, what about the world today? My parents are constantly preaching to me about how I should become a republican. They claim that Obama has RUINED the future for us. That he is disgracing the constitution. They're screaming, "Communism." Can you help us out with this predicament?
You recently had a conversation with one of your close friends about this didn't you?
Yes, Woody Short.
And who is Woody Short?
He is the world's best search engine marketer. Well, as far as I am concerned, the guy is an intellectual Guru.
So what was his opinion and why do you respect it?
Well, I respect Woody's opinion because he came here after spending many years overseas in Amsterdam and the surrounding provinces. He has watched world news from different viewpoints and from different countries because he is so involved in the World Wide Web. So Woody tends to get both halves of the story before he makes a decision on who is right or wrong. That, and the fact that he never actually comes out and says who is actually right or wrong. Actually, he reminds me a whole lot of you!
Nicely put.
Thanks, I think he deserves it. Not that I saw my book going in this direction but- I was considering copying and pasting our whole conversation right here into o the book for the world to see.
Yes, I know but you closed the chat window huh?
Yep. That sucks.
No worries, the world will stay uninvolved in world crises because that is all they can do- nobody sees the big picture. Well, almost nobody. It will work itself out. I know this.
How?
I know it and that should be enough for you. If you can't believe me, then who can you believe?
Well, okay I guess you're right. All I know is I'm passing out. Tomorrow though should be a better night. We'll see!