Chapter Eight
Back so soon?
Yeah, I have to.
Have to vent? Go ahead.
I need to believe in myself and I need to show others to believe in themselves.
Why?
Because I just watched the best movie ever- Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium- it explains the whole thing.
Makes for a short book doesn't it?
What do you mean?
I mean, way to go Jay, treat this book like everything else you’ve done in your life.
How's that?
You never finish what you start!
Why am I laughing? I told Tom Brandies the same thing in O’Brien’s as a fry cook and he laughed his ass off.
I was there. He took that blow with a grain of salt huh?
It was SO funny back then. He had dropped the fries down in the fryer and ran back to do some dishes real quick. Multi-Tasking you know. He was the fastest fry cook on the planet! And I was giving him a hard time. I told him, "That's right Tom, treat those fries like you do everything else in your whole life, start them and never finish!" I was joking like crazy because I knew he had full intent on spraying the dishes off then running back up to catch the fry timer. Laughter is great!
Yep, and he was laughing his ass off too because he knew I was right! I will never forget Tom. God Bless Him.
I will.
I hope so, because he really did do what's right for others in total disregard for himself. Give him a damn award!
Why don't you?
I don't have any money.
You never have any money.
You can say that again.
You never have any money.
Jesus.
There you go again.
I know, he’s not a swear word but my savior. Jeeesh damn, I can't help it. It just wants to come out!
Then say it!
Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. 'Phew'.... Feel better?
I was never feeling bad in the first place.
I didn't say you were. I was just asking a question. Actually, yes I do. Feel better I mean.
That's what it's there for.
You mean the word?
Yes actually, and the whole word. The history books, The Bible, the past, IS JESUS.
Now I feel sad why?
Because it is sad.
But I feel happy coming back.
Yes, because you also know that you could never repay Jesus for his sacrifice except in one way!
Yes I know.
Tell.
By living the life he gave me to its fullest so as he can remember the beauty in it. I might actually cry. God are you there?
I AM That I AM and I am Here.
I am speechless.
The only way I have to pay my debt to GOD is not by killing myself but by being Thankful for that which he has blessed me with already.
You owe me nothing! But I am Proud that you are Thankful.
I really do love this world.
I know.
Then why must I leave? You don’t HAVE to.
Then why does it feel like I am going some where?
Because you are so full of LOVE that you believe by ridding the world of yourself you might make things bearable for the rest of the people you love.
Well it might right? I mean, my loved ones DO need a break. And if things keep going wrong on my end it could financially burden those who are close to me if I can't keep up. So I think to myself maybe if I wasn't here then THAT might provide the little financial push this family needs to get back to heaven. I know I have been taking these godamn pills for too long! And I know that if I stop taking them then the cops will throw me in the funny farm because I’ll go crazy. But my family can't handle that! They don't have the money!
And you think that they can handle your death?
No, but if I am all there is, and there is nothing else then it wouldn't matter right?
Wrong! Wrong! WRONG! That is who I am! Not who you are! But I thought we were all one!
Yes we are, and YOU have officially seen GOD cry.
Thank you for crying with me. I really don't know what to do.
I will wait for you my son. Take your time to cry it out. I AM HERE. I don't know if I should go and tell my mom about this now or what?
Should I keep myself like this? I have been torturing myself for 10 years and no one even knows but me. And I think that they would care, but THAT's the problem. I don't want them to know because they will worry and then the world would completely change.
Isn't that what you're trying to do? Change the world.
Yes, but it has taken a hell of a toll on me, on my dad, on my mom, on everyone and I AM SORRY. I AM SO SORRY I DIDN'T stop taking this shit years ago, I don't want to leave this world! I love it too much! I have been working on it for years and millenniums of years. And now what do I have? A broken home, no money, bad credit, a sister that thinks I am a piece of shit, and a scar on both my eyes. Nothing! I AM WORTHLESS!
Calm down and tell me now what do you see that you DO have?
I have LOVE, A laptop computer, and some clothes. I actually DO have some nickels and pennies. I have a wonderful mom and dad, and sister and nephews. I have LIFE, opportunity, and amazement. I have it ALL.
You are home my son.
I AM home, I am at mom and dad's house, and I love it here. I love this town. I love everyone and everything. I love the mystery of the future and the memory of the past. I love the beauty of the present, and I love you. YOU GOD, I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU.
You're not done. I'm not?
No.
Well, I figured pretty much when I let someone read this my life is over. Haha.
You're laughing! At a time like this?! I know why too, because I remind you of a kid coming home from school with a bad grade or something huh?
Exactly! "My life is over!" I have heard so many kids say that to the drop- of-a-hat.
Well, I wouldn't exactly call my situation, "the drop of a hat.” Why not?
Because this is like 10 years now I’ve…uh oh? What?
I think I know where this is going. You are going to tell me this, "That is not your life Jay it is your past."
You're right how'd you know?
Because you are me and I am you. I just knew.
Be careful, that's what got you into this situation in the first place- thinking you are me.
No, what got me into trouble in the first place was this: I started taking these pills as an 18-year-old kid. Over the course of a few years I found out that I could keep myself in a good mood by taking a half a box when I was feeling down or angry. I didn't have any health insurance- my job didn't offer it, and I couldn't afford it so I couldn't go to the doctor and get meds for ADD instead. That, and the fact of who is going to believe that I know what I need to take to make my life work? I don't have any certifications in the medical field. I couldn't walk into a hospital and tell the doctor, "Hey, I've been taking this drug at this amount for the last 10 years and it has regulated my emotions just right." That would be insane! No doctor will give you what you ask for. They will always assume you are going to take it to get messed up. But I don't take the pills to get messed up! I take them to regulate my emotions so I don't freak out.
So are you placing the blame on someone else?
I am not trying to. I was young and dumb when I first started walking in the drug store and stealing medicine. The only reason I did it then was to show my friend Tony that he didn't need drugs to have a good life. I wanted him to be able to see me as messed up as I saw him so that he would quit!
And did he?
Yes and we both cried together.
That is LOVE. You are coming from the right place. Thank you.
So why take it again after that? You got him to quit right? Yes, he quit. The next time was in the navy.
When you were training with bud/s class 243? Yep.
You were gonna be a navy seal. Yep that's what I was trying to do. You were going to!
I know.
What stopped you?
Hell week was approaching. You know, the week where you don't get to sleep. You have to stay up for a week straight working out.
Yeah.
Well, that wouldn't have been a problem. The problem was I was assigned to night watch every night while everyone else slept. So I had hardly any sleep before hell week even started. The last night I didn't even check the watch schedule because I knew if it were me I could never make it another week without sleep, so SURELY it wouldn't be me. Not that many times in a row! And if it was then screw it! I signed up to be a SEAL not go out on a boat with the navy for a year and try again!
So what did you do instead?
I went to a baseball game with a friend of mine in seal training. Your only free time is in the evening- if you don’t have watch. Mine just had happened to be taken up by watches! I figured to myself, hell... I have been on watch for 5 days straight there is NO way to make it another week, so I had better go out and get some much needed R&R before hell week. So I did and left it to chance, if I was on watch again I was fucked anyhow.
So what happened?
My phone rang halfway through the game. Guess whose suppose to be on watch?
Really?
Yep.
What did you do? What would Jesus do? Haha.
Well answer the question.
I am guessing he would .......... um.
Now don't tell me you can't answer! And don't give me that, "he would've never got himself in that position in the first place" crap either. I wasn't there to become a COLD-BLOODED KILLER. I was there to be a ninja. I heard rumors that you could give a navy seal a knife and tell him to kill that tree and he would be at it until he cut it down! That wasn't me. No one can tell me what is right and wrong. I WILL think for myself. When I kill a man, it will be for what I deem the right reasons because I know best. Period.
How do you know?
Because I am like Woody, I make sure to know both sides and carefully consider all parties. I think first about others, then about me. I know- intrinsically that we are one and that to do unto others is as doing to myself.
Then why did you say when, and not if.
Because If I am one with everything, which means this: In the past when we have killed each other, I have killed each other. I did this not out of hate. I(we) killed because I thought what I knew to be true was for the best. I did it. You did it. We did it because of one reason: To show ourselves exactly what we never want to become. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
It's not a laughing matter.
I know it's simply that I don't want to make a wrong decision and then blame someone else for it. Especially a thing like taking glorious life! I always want to be able to take the blame because I know how badly it hurts to have someone think of you in a negative way-to think of me in a negative way. Hell, just thinking negatively at all hurts someone somewhere. I know this because my sister tells my parents and me that she doesn't trust us to watch her kids. That hurts more than anything in the world does! But we still love her and her children more than she canpossibly imagine. She just simply, and I hate to say it, hasn't grown up yet.
I think she needs a bit of me in her life.
Well she does- faith anyhow. I tried to tell her but she won't listen. A sin I have been guilty of before, sorry Woody. That is one thing Woody taught me- to listen. A very important lesson!
Why won't she accept GOD into her life? Because she thinks she already has it.
She does, have GOD I mean.
I know, you are everywhere all the time even with her. And I am thankful for that! If anything ever happened to her I would just die!
You're just using irony.
Well I wouldn't die but it would kill me! See there I told you What am I trying to say? Take your time.
You know, it would stress me out a whole LOT more! It would take years off my life at the least.
Very good, you are a very good filter.
Thank you, but I can't take all the credit, my mom helped me out with that one.
Really? So you told her about the book huh?
No, well, I told her about it but won't let her read it. Oh?
I think I’ll let my sister read it first because she needs to know how much we care for her. How much YOU care for her. She is really worried right now. She has it the hardest of us all. And she is just trying to watch out for her own. She just doesn't see that we ARE her own too.
I know what you mean.
Thanks. So I was about to tell my mom, "The only reason I am sitting down here with you is too make your experience better." But I thought she would say, "I don't want you to try and make me happy!" She wants to be the one making me happy so I said nothing, just came up here to write.
You're funny.
I know, it's ridiculous how good we are to each other! I just don't want her to know I am trying to make her happy because then it will cause a fight.
Haha.
Life is great isn't it? It is a whole lot easier walking with god rather than thinking of yourself all the time. At least now when you piss people off it is only because you did them TOO right!
Wow, how awesome is that huh? You really are the best!
I won't say I know only because I am humble and I'm polite.
Oh Come on! I am jamming to tunes with Woody right now as I am typing. Revel in it a bit! You deserve it GOD! We love you! You gave us everything!
You played a part.
Okay, I admit it but I would be happier if you would join us. And before you asked, I have answered.
Wow, an audible just popped up that said, "It's okay now I'm here." Was me.
It was Woody.
Can I not take whatever form I choose? Are you saying Woody is a GOD?
Are you saying he's not?
Well, we all are GODS. Have you not said YE ARE GODS?
I did say that. I don't take a specific form because I don't want to stay that way. I have no permanence. I am what I am when I need to be that.
Where ever I can serve the highest good. There I am. I'm THAT good. That's why you call me God. Good but takes less time to say it. Remove one 'O' no harm done. But take out both of them and then you're just being downright nasty.
‘GD’ Nice, so you are a funny guy?
Or girl.
Touché.
So I think I am taking from this the following: I drink only when I want to reward myself for being a good person because I see it as my duty to punish and reward myself. I don’t get drunk per say I just enjoy my drinking a couple of cocktails. Now if the kids are here or anyone I care for deeply I would NEVER get so drunk that I didn't know what I was doing. I love those around me Way too much for that. Drinking or doing any drug is pointless beside those that I love. How can others know that? Because of this: I think about you before I think about me. Period. God strike me down this instant if I am lying!
Are you okay?
Yeah, I am fine. I am just trying to help people understand how limitless my love is. Namely my sister! She doesn't trust me, and I have never felt so hurt because of it. I deserve a drink at night if that is what I choose because I know I can handle it. I don’t drink to get drunk. I drink as a reward for being selfless all day-, which I am everyday all day, even now! I don't want to write this book! It is taking up all my time when I could be out laying on the beach! GETTING FUCKED UP if it meant that much to me! But it doesn't. What does matter to me, and everyone for that matter save her, is the safety of my people. The world! Everyone but me! I could die now and not give 2 shits. But if someone else dies in this world I feel pain inside, even if it is the most notorious killer because I know the human spirit has one goal in mind. That goal is to try to be 'to the best of its ability' the best version of the grandest vision it has ever had of itself- thank you Neale for helping. But it is true and that is the best way to put it.
So what about what she said to you? She said if they die then that's their fault and she was talking about your parents.
She was right but I think she doesn't see the big picture. I think, like my parents told me, the reason they drink is because of her. Not because of her being around, but because she makes them feel unloved. They feel like she doesn't love them at all, and then she turns around and tells them that she doesn't trust them with her kids because they drink at night (and let me point out never in excess when she's not around to watch her own kids).
Your parents drink heavily when she makes them feel guilty for rewarding themselves for being good people?
Yes, exactly.
My parents are simply enjoying one or two drinks on a nightly basis, which even science pointed out is GOOD for you. She thinks that they are alcoholics- judges them that and isn't afraid to tell them that.
Well, why then do your parents continue to drink around her?
Because my dad woks all day everyday to help out his boss who basically takes his entire paycheck to pay for his travel expenses. And that is fine with him as long as he can reward himself with an hour of relaxation at the end of the night. My mom works all day around the house, steals money from my dad to send to the kids (and gets bitched at about it), watches her daughter’s kids while she's trying to get back on her feet. And she's fine with that just as long as she can reward herself with a bit of time to relax at the end of the night. They DESERVE it! She wants to take that away from them. Claiming they can’t hold their liquor, so they must care more for booze than her children! She is out of line and could never be more wrong.
I see, so she's wrong and you are right?
No, don't do that. I am trying hard not to judge her. I love her and will do ANYTHING I can to help her. Not that she needs help, I guess. I just know when the kids go to bed and the babysitters left she’s already had a few at the bar!
She doesn't think she does.
I know, just like I said, even the worst sinner on Earth is doing it for his or her own good.
And therein lies the problem “for their own good”.
Yep, instead of others. Now I have to give her credit where it is due, she IS thinking about her kids. Everything she does is for them, but it's for them and them alone. She left out her and those around her who love her. All that matters is those kids. She has no idea that everyone around her is thinking of her constantly, and the kids, and of other loved ones. I think of everyone all day and it is a hard job.
I know, try being me.
That's what I thought I WAS trying to do!
You are I don't want to give up my job though!
Okay, we're getting silly again. It's too fun I know. I think I'm jealous.
I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of me.
Anything else before you go?
I Love You so much.
I lov......
No I was talking to my sister. But I love you too GOD and thank you.
You are welcome.
You should be thankful to Jillian. She's the one who led me to you in the first place, but don't tell her that.
Why not? And I AM thankful trust me.
Because she'll get a big head.
Haha.
Haha.
Good night.