Chapter Ten
So, we were talking about the next time you took that couch medicine before we began talking about your sister.
Oh yes, in the Navy. After they decided to send me to the X-Division (where you go to await your next duty station assignment) for missing my watch, I had already decided I wasn't going on a ship for a year to try again. So while I was off base I found a bag of weed and you know.
THEY don't know! Please tell.
Okay, I went under a bridge close to the Tijuana border and rolled a fatty. As I looked at it, I knew it was that time again.
What time again?
The time that always came when I made it within an arms length of a life changing goal, the time when I blow it, every time! I threw up that time before I smoked. I actually threw up, there under the bridge. I made myself sick knowing what I was doing.
But I thought you said it was your decision?
It was, I made myself sick because I knew what everyone would think of me. I knew they'd be disappointed in me like always! And I also KNEW no one would ever believe my bad luck.
So then you smoked it?
Yep, and the first thought that hit my mind when I inhaled my first puff was "That's why I used to smoke weed!”
Now who is condoning drug usage?
Not that I condone it either I was just being honest. Anyhow, I hid the rest of the bag up in a parking garage before returning to base.
So the next day, that was it?
A couple days later…
So they drug tested you?
Pretty much, I admitted it the morning they came to take me to X-div. So you achieved your end. Why start taking the medicine again?
A guy there in X-Div was doing the same thing. So I thought, "What the heck, they really can't punish me anymore than they are." And to call it punishment would be a HUGE understatement. I had to sweep the parking lot like once a day or something was all.
Yeah, but the guy you were going out with went overboard didn't he? As I remember, they locked him in the funny farm!
Yeah, they did. I would go out with him pretty much every night and party but I saw him slowly getting crazier, so I quit. They ended up finding his whole locker full of the stuff! He may have been lying about taking it before or he may have really been that badly off. I don't know. I will bet you one thing though.
What's that?
He went back and tried again, and passed. He is a SEAL. I visited him in the funny farm there before I left and he told me he was going to try again.
Why did you visit him?
Because I knew if he was lying about taking that stuff before he may be questioning his sanity. I wanted to reassure him that he would be okay. He inspired me to quit, and maybe gave himself the kick in the hind end he needed to really go for it. I think he ended up in X-Div because of an injury too.
I wouldn't exactly say you quit!
Well, for the time being. I started working on my car instead.
How exactly did you end up in the Navy Seals anyhow? Most people have a pretty hard time getting there don't they?
Hmm. Well, since I was a kid- actually as long as I remember- I have always had this unnerving feeling that my life was occurring in distinct chapters. Does that make any sense?
More than you think, and to a lot of people too.
Really?
Oh yes, why do you think so many have written books?
Touché.
You like that word huh?
It's okay for the English language.
Actually, it's French.
Thank you Mr. Know- it- all.
It's my job; I WAS fluent before being gifted with speech!
I suppose so. Well anyhow, after crying with Tony, losing all my money, my best paying job ever (to this day), my fiancé, my car, the respect of my family, and my credit- I walked out of my apartment which was being taken in just a few hours. My friends were all gathered on my balcony smoking weed and drinking. They saw me walking out of the parking lot and yelled, "Yo Jay! Where are you going man?" I turned my head up from under an old dirty hood and met their eyes for the last time, "Party's over man, time to start a new chapter." With that I took off at a jog and wouldn't stop until I reached the nearest Navy recruiter's office.
In dirty sweaty clothes I am guessing.
Precisely- very dirty, and very sweaty, I had been strung out for a month at least.
What did he think?
You know come to think of it, I don't believe he judged my looks all that much, and if he did, his eyes didn't show it. He did however ask me if I did any drugs. By this point I already told him I wasn't entering the Navy unless I could be a Navy Seal.
So did you tell him?
Of course, I said I use to. He asked me how long ago I had smoked marijuana. I said, "About 2 hours ago". He told me, "You can't be in the Navy!" And I exclaimed right back at him, "But I quit!" He said, "That's what they all say." I said, "I am not just anyone."
So what happened?
I told him that I wouldn't let him down and I didn't. Everyday for the next month I ran to the recruiter’s station to show him my dedication. A couple days later I went and took my tests, scored high enough to participate in Special Forces and was off to boot camp before I knew it.
From drug addict to Navy Seal huh?
Well, I'd like to say again, I had a goal behind my drug abuse- to help another get off of it. Besides, if I were really addicted, could I have quit that fast?
Well you tell me. You did do it again almost 2 years later in the Navy, remember?
Come on give me a break! I already explained that time.
It seems to me there is an explanation for ALL THOSE times.
There is, whether you'd think it was wrong or right depends on your outlook of life. Still, I fully believe that everyone does only what he or she think in their own mind is truly right.
You are correct. As far as I am concerned nothing is wrong and nothing is right.
I know, I know. It just IS, right?
Your goal in life is what determines what is right (beneficial) or wrong (diminishing). The question is not: Is this right or wrong? But rather: Is this speeding my progression toward my goal, or slowing it?
So why is it I always hear that life is worth taking the time to stop and smell the roses? Is that not slowing your progression? In that matter, isn't taking time to do anything?
That depends. What is your goal?
Mine?
Yes, what is YOUR goal in life? Not everyone MUST have the same goal as you do, you know.
To achieve a perfect union with you.
Wow, a pretty big goal.
Nah.
I like your optimism. So, in your case, I would say no.
No what?
No, taking time to stop and smell the roses is not slowing your progress. Nor is it speeding it.
How is that possible?
Because with God there is no one way about it, but rather every way.
You're confusing me.
It is like this, I am everywhere, with everyone, with everything, with every time, with every experience, and with every potential possibility. So if you achieve a perfect union with me, which in fact, you have before. You do it even now. If you keep this awareness in every part of your being, it will matter not what it is you are doing. It will matter not how long you do any particular thing. Indeed, nothing will matter. That is: Nothing will have matter at all. Thus time would never affect you, nor would any outside influence. For you would be the light, you would be what you sought to be, you would be as I am. And I Am that I am.
Alright, in my case then I see how that may be, but let's try a different example.
Go right ahead.
Okay, so say my goal was to be happy or to be financially stable. Or how about not lonely, or like a million people in this world- my goal was to be someone else entirely?
Sounds like all those problems are related to me. Have you ever stopped and thought just maybe, if you were happy to begin with, those other things would come on their own?
I have heard this outlook before, and it never seems to work! People out there will say the same thing.
Of course some will and that is entirely okay. People are finding their way home on totally different paths. Some wined wildly to and from until their destination comes near enough for them to sense it. Others stumble upon their destination by chance. Even others follow a direct line right to the source.