Outskirts Press, Inc. Denver, Colorado
The opinions expressed in this manuscript are solely the opinions of the author and do not represent the opinions or thoughts of the publisher. The author has represented and warranted full ownership and/or legal right to publish all the materials in this book.
Coming Home To My Heart
Abuse Victim to Survivor; Inspirations for Inner Peace All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2009 Donna Solitario
v2.0
This book may not be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in whole or in part by any means, including graphic, electronic, or mechanical without the express written consent of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
Outskirts Press, Inc.This book is dedicated to those who have been abused. Including victims and survivors of abuse, alcoholism, and mental illness. For my two children Tracy and Michael, and my four grandchildren Payton,
Amelia, Nicky, and Hannah.Introduction i Sections iii One Child Waits 1 Tear Drops 2 “Coming Home To My Heart” 3 God Bless the Children 4 Poems 5 Beautiful Wonder 6 The World Let Me Down 7 Child Abuse the Voice Within 9 The Wrath of a Mother 11 The Unavailable Father 11 My Dad 13 We All Come Together Today to Grieve 14 Substance Abuse 15 A Heart is torn 16 Unheard Feelings 17 Waterfall of Day Dreams 18 A Childs Fantasy 19 Child Abuse 20 A Child’s Cry 20 Cinderella 21 Numb 23 Time to Move on 24 The Mistake 25 God’s Love and Light 26 A Family in Crisis 27 Gateway to Heaven 29 Healing Scars 30 The Scapegoat 31 Mother 32 Surrender to God 33 Mom When I Held Your Hand 34 Dear Dad 36 A Family Prayer 37 Phil and Susan 38 A Happy Family 39 Children from Dysfunctional Homes 40 Prayer for the World 41 Miscellaneous Poems 42 I Am A Woman 43 Time 44 Young Love 45 When I Held You In My Arms 46 Letting Go 48 The Colors of Your Love 49 In the stillness 50 My Love-My Man 51 First Love 53 When I Saw You Today 54 My Heart Will Wait Forever 55 Memories 56 You Are the One 57 A Harley Sunset 58 I Hear Your Cry 59 A Rising Singing Star 60 A Special Student 61 The Essence of Her Beauty 62 Seen Through Natures Eyes 63 Passing on Love and Light 64 The Freedom from Letting Go 65 Dancing to a Different Beat 67 Renewed 68 Reflections 69 Angel 70 Accepting Others 71 Touching Hands 72 Sharon 73 Dear Jesus 74 My heart Cares For You 75 How I Love My Children 76 A Mothers Prayer 77 A Grandmother’s Prayer 78 Payton 79 Amelia 81 Nicky 82 Hannah 83 Erica 84 Birthday Wishes For Mom and Dad 85 Dedicated to the Next Generation 86 Bright Eyes 87 Emma 88 Dawn 89 For My Friends 90 Debbie A Special Strong Woman of God 91 Kenny and the Birds 92 For My Students 93 Chase Von 94 Paul 95 Al Cole 96 A Teacher’s Joy 97 Paige 98 In Memory of Martin Luther King 100 Barry Manilow 101 Touched by a Soft Wind 102 Jesus is Love 103 Karen 104 TM & DS 105 April 106 Joan 107 Life 108 Spring 109 Summer 110 Autumn Leaves 111 Fall 112 I Love My Valentine 113 The Holidays 114 Dear Lord 116 What are we all Looking for? 117 You’re Not Alone 118 Hear the Voice Within 119 A Teen has Dreams 120 Searching 121 If You Want Love 122 Embrace the Light 123 Rise Above and Succeed 124 Believe 125 A Poem for You 127 Dream Reachers 128 Mother Mary 129 Through His Eyes 130 Born Again Happy and Free 131 Grasping Destiny 132
This story poetry book includes the child abuse I experienced growing up in an alcoholic dysfunctional home. My intention for writing this book is to shed light to my readers how the affects of alcoholism, mental illness, and child abuse can affect a child. I believe that child abuse can be prevented with insight and awareness. Healthy parenting can occur through the process of emotional and spiritual growth. Recovery and healing can take place through spirituality, twelve step programs, professional intervention, awareness, and education. I cannot forget by God’s grace I forgive. I have empathy and compassion for my parents and family. For I truly believe, “No one in their RIGHT mind wants to abuse a child” Other poems include: Love poems, domestic abuse, family, friends, healing, motivational, inspirational, miscellaneous and spirituality. Through my own experiences, I hope to inspire you with awareness, faith, hope, and love.
= i <Child Abuse
Forgiveness
Love Poems
Domestic Abuse Family & Friends Healing
Miscellaneous Motivation
Inspiration
Spirituality
A child waits
Endlessly for love No one comes
Empty is their heart Lost and starved For affection
Protection
One child waits
Tear drops falling from my eyes Showing hurt feelings I cannot hide Releasing pain from days gone by God’s mercy is by my side
For cleansing my soul
I thank God I am not alone
Tears free my mind
As I wipe them dry
I feel much better
For teardrops don’t last forever
I faced the dark
Had a glimpse of the light
In the depths of my strife
I found God
His true and abundance of love
He sheltered me from the black and blues Gave me peace from being abused
As my little body went limp
My torn heart began to sink
I was scarred from the trauma and pain A child left out in the rain
God wrapped my heart and soul with faith Told me one day I would enter the gates He showed me how to pray
For parents who were sick
From a disease that could not give
Love sweet love and protection
God surrounded me with light and affection A child with innocence and needs
Cries while her broken heart bleeds Wish I knew from the start
I could have come home to my heart
God bless the children
Especially the victims
Of child abuse and pain
From sickness and hate
For they are our children
Our future and hope
In this world they need love the most
Writing poems free my soul
As I write them I can let go
Of adversities from the past
While moving on with peace at last
The many things I endured
Became lessons for the future
When a heartfelt connection is made
It is God who I truly thank
For a gift he bestowed upon me
A blessing from him indeed
Praying for guidance and inspiration
Writing from my heart with love and dedication Hoping to touch the hearts of others
For we are all sisters and brothers
I am a woman strong and wise
Even though these eyes of mine have cried Through God’s loving grace I found peace inside As I embrace the light
To enhance my life
I learn every step of the way
I am humbled each time I pray
Always yearning to be all that I can be
Reaching out to others as they plea
For freedom from addictions, and abuse Sharing knowledge and truth
Standing tall in the face of adversities
Faithfully following my God given destiny To reach for the stars
Being true to my heart
Rejecting injustice and strife
Accepting myself and others without taking flight By not abandoning my own needs
For I shall not be self-deceived
I will climb every mountain
Follow my hearts dream
Protect myself from adversity and disharmony Love my child within
Empower her to begin
Her journey in life with God given rights For a happy meaningful life
While this child and I embrace
We will walk together in unity and grace Let the beautiful wonder in you
Be set free dignified and renewed
This section includes: Poems from the voice of an abused child
When I was born like everyone else I had needs
Goals and dreams with things to achieve
Instead of receiving basic needs I learned how to survive In a hostile world with pain and strife
My home was not safe for me
Living in a dysfunctional family
I learned well how to play the family game
Hiding the suffering, guilt, and shame
I often wondered if anyone heard my cries in the night It hurt to be diminished of dignity and rights
My feelings were torn and confused
When mom beat me black and blue
With mom and dad’s verbal abuse
I felt hurt and rejected
By the ones who never protected
My bruised body, emotions, and tattered soul
I felt disillusioned and out in the cold
The toxic pain had infected
The child within who was neglected
Who became a victim of child abuse with bitterness and sought To empower herself and began to unlock
The pain from yesterday
I humbly get on my knees to pray
By asking God to help me let it all go
For peace and my dreams to unfold
I am now a survivor and no longer a victim
For I have turned my life and will over to him If you know a child who is being abused Please help them their counting on you Don’t look the other way
For that child may grow up to say
“The world let me down”
When I was a child
I was ridiculed and put down
Often wore the face of a clown
Once I got beat to the ground
I didn’t feel like I was wanted around
I felt emotionally and physically caged in like a freak I often wondered why my family didn’t accept me I was put in the cellar while the kids peeped Through the window while making fun of me A broken spirited child with bruises on her body Mom told me I was bad, as she would say, “You’re just like your dad too”
Mom said she got pregnant too soon
Because I was born eleven months apart from Sue They told me I was a problem child in the family I often wondered if it was all a bad dream
They told me I would never amount to anything Dad left when I was thirteen
I felt abandoned and mom was mean
I remember how I was abused
Sometimes it was by a broom
Mom locked me out of the house
Calling me names like stupid and louse
The neighbors calling the police was nothing new When I was hungry I’d steal some food
Mom told her family and friends
I was a bad child time and time again
When she was on the telephone I listened It hurt and it felt like I was in a tortured prison I had no self-esteem as they tore at my self worth I tried to fit in but it never worked
The kids at school made fun of me
They said I came from a strange family
The boy’s haircut mom gave me made the kid’s laugh So I tried to hide it with an old torn hat
But nothing helped
Most of my childhood was a living hell
Thank God I met a friend
She had the same house as me and we would both pretend Everything was fine
The bruised marks on our arms were a fright
When our dad’s went to the bar to drink
We’d listen to the radio together and sing
We sang songs and were engaged
With making up songs that became our saving grace It was the only way I felt I belonged
Writing music and singing our songs
I resented my childhood life
I learned to pray to God each night
I have no memories of you holding me mom and dad
When I was a child I felt lonely and sad
It hurt when I heard those cruel words
They damaged my emotions and self worth
When mom told me that I was a mistake
I felt tremendous heartache
She said it was because dad drank and turned to someone new I tried to measure up for you
Nothing seemed to work and I became resentful
The abuse punctured my soul
Each time my three sisters were around, or I was alone, I was put down
I reacted its true but I was just a child
I didn’t know what a healthy childhood was all about
I was the family scapegoat living in a hostile world
I was never your darling baby girl
Always turning your wrath towards me
I could never seem to get any relief
Telling me to be good while you hit me with the broom Many times I was sent out in the cold, in the cellar, or alone in my room
The pain inflicted upon me took away my grace
For it made me feel like I wasn’t part of the human race I never felt like I fit in my family, or a part of life
I wanted to run away and hide
I looked for peace playing in my sandbox, and getting lost in the dirt
Making songs up in the cellar seemed to lessen the hurt I grew up bitter with a chip on my back
With anger and sadness when you told me I was a brat I dreamed of loving parents being there
To hold me tenderly while drying my tears
Each time I was diminished and pushed away
It made my heart ache
For being an unwanted child of distant grace
The only thing that helped was to pray
The grace of God showed me that I needed to forgive you So I would no longer be resentful
I needed to accept reality
My family was emotionally, physically, and spiritually unavailable to me
Alcohol and other things took him away
To another time and place
Often wondered what I meant to him
There was a lack of communication
He always seemed distant, sad or mad
I grew up thinking that I was bad
He named me Donna Marie
I don’t remember hearing words like your smart or you are pretty It hurt when he went away and mom beat me black and blue He told me at the age of thirteen, “I have to leave since mom is abusing you, and now I am verbally abusing you too” It ripped my heart out and caused me pain
For most of my life I felt heartache and shame
I needed my dad to love and accept me
To protect me from mom’s insanity
As I became defiant in my teens
I thought acting out would bring their attention to me So much pain and loneliness inside
It hurt deeply each time I cried
I sensed his displeasure in his eyes
I needed my dad to sing me a song
To nurture me in life and help me along
To hold me in his arms
To show me he cared and that I belonged
I needed a way to let go of this pain
Abuse is traumatizing
Dad never forgets my birthday he sends cards and a Christmas present
Wish I would hear from him more
He still is the dad I adore
Substance abuse and child abuse is a family and society disease. Substance abuse is the only disease, which tell its victims that it is not a disease. This disease affects the substance abuser and family members. Child abuse and neglect is often the consequences of alcoholism and substance abuse.
If you or someone you love suffers from this disease seek help for yourself and your loved ones.
This powerful disease
Frequently brings its victims to their knees
Their souls are left to bleed
Broken dreams and shattered homes
Many children feel lost and alone
A heartbroken mother
A lost and sick father
Or vice versa
She was born on the fourth of July
Mother couldn’t seem to stand her sight
Dad drank his beer, while mom took her pills, and drank wine They never seemed to have the time…
Substance abuse, alcoholism, and mental illness are each a horrible disease
That changed mommy and daddy
When I was born
There was a storm
My soul was on fire
I only desired
To be loved and happy
Was it destiny?
To live in hostility
Despair consumed my soul Wondered which way to go God please hear my plea
To be set free
From the anguish
Of a broken spirit
Please show me the light
For I’m holding on tight
Reaching out to thee
Surrendering is the key
It is done
You are the son
I give you my all
I may fall
Will you catch me please? Hold me lovingly
As I cry in your arms
I will be strong
I love you with my whole heart I have from the start
I trust in your love
It is enough
Sensitivity reaches its peak
Words at last spoken set one free
Hurtful words penetrated the mind
From punctured wounds lost in time
The soul was swept away in a breeze
Emotions worked up began to freeze
Desperately seeking them to release
Tried to protect a throbbing heart
From emotions that had turned hard
A flicker of pain still remains
Hoping to someday sustain
From unheard feelings
That caused despair and pain
Dreams declare feelings will be respected
While praying for a miracle of being accepted
With hope that abandoned feelings will be validated and protected
As I lay across a waterfall surrounded by beautiful wonder I day dream of younger days from yonder
My heart reaches for love to keep my spirit alive But memories of not feeling wanted cause my soul to cry Only heartache and rejection come my way
I proceed to daydream of brighter days
With the touch of a soft hand
I’m led to a promised land
Where I can mend my broken wings
By the strength of mighty winds
While in the sky I open my eyes
To love in my heart and God by my side
Now I know it is safe to wake up
For God has filled my cup
With a brand new set of angel wings
I dance with God’s angels in heaven
A guiding light takes me home
To an abundance of love I’ve never known
Back to the waterfall where I can clearly see
My heart and soul have been set free
When I was a young child I fantasized
As I escaped from being criticized
I sang songs of pure fantasy
I dreamed of healthy parents who loved me
The cruel words were swept away
As I sang songs night and day
The torment laid heavy upon my young and impressionable mind I looked for someone to treat me kind
I sought refuge in singing songs of sweet desire
The black and blues seemed to disappear
I made up fantasy songs of love and cheer
When I grew older I lost my beautiful wonder
By repeating the cycle of abuse I soon discovered
The unhealthy love relationships I entered left me cold and bitter I reached a bottom and flew with God’s angels from up above When they showed me how to love
My beautiful wonder just as I am
I came home to my heart again
This time it is forever
To make my life better
Won’t you come home to your heart today?
A safe place where you can live, love, and play
Heartache and pain
Visited me once again
I wanted it to stop
It was scary when the neighbors called the cops
What did I do that was so bad?
You said I showed stubbornness, and acted like you say a brat You said I made you lose your mind
The bruises hurt on my behind
My eyes were swollen and black and blue
God I never knew what to do
I felt so scared and all alone
What happened to my vision of a happy home?
Did you mean it when you said, “I wish you were never born?” My heart was heavy and worn
It upset me when you implied I was dumb
Why did you yell at me when sis and I were having fun? You said I should be ashamed of myself
Did you really mean it when you said, “I will burn in hell?” I’ m scared of your screaming
My heart and soul are hurting
Dear God did you forget me again?
I need someone to protect me and be my friend
Her role was the scapegoat
She always seemed to be in trouble
Being torn by a family that was sick from dysfunction and abuse She tried to help yet felt confused
She did things to make them laugh
Gave them their baths
Fed them and played the clown
For she knew there was no one else around
To take care of her younger sisters needs
Because of mom and dads disease
Although she wanted so much to do things right
Somehow it ended up in fights
The power of the family’s role
Of being the scapegoat
Is very powerful indeed
She only wanted to help her at risk family
Many times she wrote love letters to mom and dad
Tried to get them back together when they were mad
In the midst of the family storms
Donna was abused and isolated more
For mom kept her from her three sisters
On her sixteenth birthday her mom told her to get out and go away So she spent it outside feeling abandoned and dismayed Her mother is now in a nursing home from a stroke
It’s sad seeing her in a wheelchair blind with little hope Of ever seeing again
She tries to be a helpful daughter and companion
Donna visits and brings her fav
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