Gifts with No Giver, a Love Affair with Truth by Nirmala - HTML preview

a love affair with truth

Poems by Nirmala
Endless Satsang Press

Nirmala offers these poems in gratitude for the love and grace that flow through his teacher, Neelam, and in gratitude for the blessings of truth brought to this world by Ramana Maharshi and H.W.L. Poonja.

In addition he would like to thank Donald Turcotte for his generous assistance in the design and production of this collection, and also Pamela Wilson for her help with editing.

Copyright © 1999 by Daniel Erway (Nirmala)

Endless Satsang Press Nirmalanow@aol.ocm www.boulder-satsang.com/Nirmala to Neelam
the blue sapphire flame in my heart your hand is always in mine

your whispered endearments are my constant companion
you have never turned your face from me no matter how many times I have turned from you

now I vow undying love
I meet you in the secret places I used to hide from you in
I hold you with tenderness I used to reserve for my pain
I would give you my life and my breath in an instant

for you are my true love
the one with no form
the one who has never been anywhere, but right here in the singing of my heart
why fear this moment when no thoughts come at last I lie naked
in the arms of experience

why fear this moment when no words come at last I find rest
in the lap of silence

why fear this moment when love finds itself alone at last I am embraced by infinity itself

why fear this moment when judgment falls away at last my defenses
fail to keep intimacy at bay

why fear this moment
when hope is lost
at last my foolish dreams are surrendered to perfection I may think I feel love
but it is love that feels me
constantly testing the woven fibers that enclose and protect my heart with a searing flame
that allows no illusion of separation

and as the insubstantial fabric of my inner fortress is peeled away by the persistent fire
I desperately try to save some charred remains by escaping into one more dream of passion I may think I can find love
but it is love that finds me

meanwhile, love becomes patient and lies in wait its undying embers gently glowing
and even if I now turn and grasp after the source of warmth
I end up cold and empty-handed
I may think I can possess love
but it is love that possesses me

and finally, I am consumed
for love has flared into an engulfing blaze that takes everything
and gives nothing in return
I may think love destroys me
but it is love that sets me free
the past is long gone from here
there is no way back how could there be

the present is over too quickly for feeble desires
to have any effect
except to hide peace

the future races ahead forever out of reach of dreamy wishes
and useless plans

and yet when I rest in the endless now
every need is satisfied in ways never imagined I have fallen in love with truth
I only want to be with her
I can not stand to be apart
I would gladly go to the ends of the earth or I would never again move from this spot just to be sure to inhale her fragrant perfume with my dying breath

I have fallen in love with truth her every wish my command I simply must obey
for she has captured my soul and taken complete control of even my innermost thoughts freeing me to find repose
in her unadorned splendor

I have fallen in love with truth
with exquisite tenderness she shows me the perfection in my every flaw
no need for pretense
for she knows everything about me and yet takes me in her arms
with complete abandon
until only she remains
sunlight burns
shadow cools
there is no difference

earth is still
grass is moving
there is no difference

wind rustles
sky is silent
there is no difference

spider drifts by on a silken web and I remain
there is no difference
where is absence of desire
once I dreamed there would only be bliss now I am in awe of the ordinary
now I am content with longing or no longing desires do not disturb the source of all desire life and death carry on as they always have and always will

only the dreamer is gone

behind the flow of imagination
beyond any effort to be still
dancing in the ebb and flow of attention more present than the breath
I find the origins of my illusions

only the dreamer is gone the dream never ends river of voices
eternal mantra of foam
meaningless words swallowed in a humming roar thoughts arise and are splashed away

river of music
sacred song of motion
nowhere to go but downstream actions arise and are swept away

river of sounds
laughing and crying
impossible to bring the depths to the surface emotions arise and are washed away

river of silence
flowing through everything
peace beyond even the absence of sound nothing ever arises
I don't know what to say
I never know what to say

yet there is great power in not knowing knowing I can never know
the mystery constantly deepens
overwhelming my sense of what is
the mystery speaks without words
taking the breath away
leaving no air for words
in silence there is room for pain and bliss in unlimited measure
love is a dream
that does not stop
when you awaken
but constantly surprises no strong emotions
stirring up dust
and clouding your vision

love is more than it seems and has a purpose
you cannot see
and yet
cannot hide from

love is an inescapable reality that knocks you
senseless
takes your breath away and leaves no heart beating but its own
nobody is my lover

I searched for her for lifetimes
and finally noticed
she was always at my side

nothing is my heart's true desire
but something
used to always get in the way

now emptiness fills me to overflowing
as I fall into my lover's embrace
I can love you or ...
I can love love itself
and thus love you truly
letting illusion rest at last
has freedom spoiled me for any other lover or is there room for the one in the infinite questions fall away in the embrace of my true love
join me in her arms
and rest at last
I am carried
like a mother holding her infant child
tender, yet firm
I am provided for
with caring attention
that anticipates every need
and yet
I am swallowed whole by this love
no longer my hand that moves
no longer my voice that muses
no longer my eyes that fill with tears at the simple beauty of a hazy afternoon

who could contain this rapture
who keeps this heart beating
who could keep this heart from breaking at the loss of everything it foolishly held dear

questions have lost their fascination longing has surrendered to fullness gratitude is enough
even with the loss of everything

foolishly held dear
endless traces of memory
fill in empty moments
stealing my peace
and robbing my happiness
they can not take the real treasure beyond peace and happiness

behind every memory
is simple awareness
of this ordinary moment a body breathing
a mind making comparisons and yet something more is always present

this simple moment
a body still breathing
mind still chasing dreams
what is the something more that fills the ordinary with magic? the full recognition
of what was always longed for in the heart
through emptiness
peace is born
no painful labor required
an easy birth
an easy life
an easy death
the peace flows from the depths the heart can only be broken
when the object of love is gone but true love has no object

through emptiness
awareness is born
it grows untended
filling the emptiness with eyes and ears and noses
and more hearts
to be broken and mended broken and mended
until they can no longer
be broken
only mended

through awareness
birth is ended
what never ends needs no beginning love is too large
for a heart to hold
yet the opened heart
rests in this largeness
until fear is also ended
knowing the heart
has always been
unbroken
no poem
no song
no ritual
captures the simple beingness of a stone

let alone a mountain of stone

but let the stone write the poem
let the mountain sing in your heart
let the rituals fall like gentle rain to nourish the gods inside every stone

and every mountain
let your soul rise above the mountain
above the rain
above the clouds
the journey home requires no effort
only willingness to release your claw like grip
on the familiar ground

then the stone speaks unspeakable truth
then the mountain fills your heart with a silent song of peace
and rituals sprout wings of surrender in your soul

and you arrive
here
like a green desert
life has burst forth
in this empty container
spilling over
and moistening the parched soil

no need to store the bounty the supply is endless
the source is at hand
the fruits of no labor
within easy reach

feast on this
feed the deepest longing
drink until thirst is a distant memory desire itself is consumed
when the heart finds nourishment your smile
morning sun on new fallen snow
melting the icy chill
unveiling a blue sapphire flame in my heart burning memory into ash
revealing bliss

your eyes
dark liquid pools of grace
causing a whirlpool of emotion
carrying me to the depths
drowning me in joy

your touch
gentlest breeze
passing through skin and flesh and bone healing so complete
leaving no scars
where once were deep wounds

your form
graceful flight in empty sky
giving me birth
naming me
ruling me forever
yet your only command: setting me free

your voice
birdsong and distant thunder
inspiring quiet so vast
thinking no longer finds refuge

your love
a rain swollen river
overflowing its banks
washing away all cherished possessions leaving an empty cup
full of peace
I never knew tears could feel so good until I opened my heart
and found they come from the same source as boundless laughter

instead of blurring my vision they bring beauty into focus

instead of burning my cheeks
they wash away dusty dryness I used to hide behind

let sorrow have me now
for surrender has freed me to savor the bittersweet nectar
that flows in measureless abundance from within
I bathe in holy water
wash myself clean in the sacred river nothing has changed
yet senses are now clear
and I hear what she is saying to my heart:

give me your foolish thoughts...
you don't need them anymore
give me your every desire...
they will never fulfill you
give me your deepest fears...
what use have they ever been to you
give me your very soul...
you have always been too large for its tight confines

so once again I plunge into Ganga's embrace.

once for my thoughts
once more for my desires and a third time for my fears

she has always had my soul

and once again, nothing has changed.... nothing always changes
no deep rooted fears
fear exists on the surface
fear is the surface
dive deeper and fear is swallowed in the depth of knowing

nothing to fear in this moment
even when a gun is held to your head the thing most feared has not yet happened once an event has occurred
fear is too late

fear has no home here
where all is as it is
Breathe the tranquil air
and discover the fragrant serenity thoughts dance their enticing moves before my entranced inner sight but the spell is broken
when I wonder
who is entranced

memories beckon seductively with all the luster they can manage yet their shine is swallowed
in the light
behind my eyes

there is one dancer
I cannot resist
her only movement is utter stillness I find no memory
in her transparent gaze
romance is a simple mistake finding true love
in the arms of one other
is like capturing a waterfall in a tiny cup
thirst is slightly quenched
why not just step into the source

romance is a beautiful distraction taking you beyond your dry concerns yet what good is an open heart with room for only one
when that one is gone
the heart is empty and dry
and tears fall on empty ground

romance is a single drop
in a torrent of love
why settle for one sip at a time
the sweetest tasting water is deeper than the surface dive into the current
and as you are swept away
drink to your heart's content
nothing seen is wasted
the sight of every eye
increases the range of vision of that which sees

every sight is a gem
of pure perfection
in the inner eyes
of that which sees

each viewpoint
lives on forever
nothing can die
within that which sees

look deeply into any eye beyond your reflection come face to face
with that which sees

abandon appearance
let go of pretense
you are naked and exposed before that which sees

do not turn away your gaze no need to hide
only love shines in the eyes of that which sees
all may have a mind of their own but thoughts are gifts of grace touching mind for an instant like melting snowflakes

every place can be home but rest is a divine blessing when effort falls away
like the setting sun

the heart may burn with emptiness but love comes in waves
smoothing away doubts
like a tide erasing footprints in the sand in the dream
I always play the fool
in the dream
my defenses always fail
in the dream
my desires are never fully satisfied in the dream
my heart is broken over and over

wide awake
I always play the fool
wide awake
my defenses always fail
wide awake
my desires are never fully satisfied wide awake
my heart sings its endless joy what should we do
what is the purpose of life here is the endless task to do nothing well
here is your purpose
to be free of any purpose

why do we suffer so
how can we end the pain here is the source of suffering in the desire to end suffering there is no end to pain
nor an end to joy
within the soul of freedom my longing was never deep enough to touch this empty well

my effort was never great enough to move this unmovable mountain my understanding was never broad enough
to contain this silent truth
my dreaming was never real enough to shape this formless presence nothing is always enough
when nothing is needed
the mystery
of this simple moment
can not be spoken
yet all of history
occurred to arrive here
the mystery
of the endless terrain of self can not be mapped out
countless new frontiers
are born with every breath the mystery
of awakening
can not be achieved
all that is needed
is to notice inner eyes that never close the mystery
of sweet undying love
can not be understood
the heart already knows what the mind can only long for the mysteries
always remain
untouched by worried thought
ready to welcome us home
when we abandon our dreams
take my hand
feel the vital grip
that love lends to this flesh
listen to my voice
hear the catch in my throat
of awe that can't be expressed
gaze into my eyes
see tears welling up
as I recognize my long lost self in your smile rest in my arms
find refuge in my embrace
until you know you are forever safe
join me now
here
where we have never parted
no word is real enough
to conjure up a crumb of bread still we try to find nourishment in endless musing

no thought is thick enough
to cushion a fall
yet we pursue idle distractions
while tripping on obstacles in our path

there is a silent voice behind the words there is a quiet source of every thought listen without your ears
ponder without your mind

rest your senses and your sense for just one moment of this stillness will sustain and uphold you forever it is here
in the breath
it is here
in the stillness between breaths

it is here
in the active mind
it is here
in the resting mind

it is here
in the dream's panorama
it is here
in each moment of awakening

it is here
when all is well
it is here
when fear has nothing left to fear

even then
there is pure noticing
even then
there is no need for doing

no frantic searching
can find the obvious
no seeking needed
to find that which seeks

it is here
where it can never be lost
or found
where does willingness come from willing to do anything

although nothing can be done willing to surrender everything
although nothing is mine
willing to be exposed
although there is nothing to hide

where does lovingness come from loving the flaws in us

 

although we are perfect

loving the simplicity
although feelings are so complex
loving you
although no one is there

where does gratefulness come from grateful for the laughter

 

although the joke is on me

grateful for the beauty
although eyes cannot truly see
grateful for the bounty
although hands are forever empty truth is a living being
that must be nourished and fed and loved
then it grows and blossoms filling the air with pure aroma making us gasp with delight

truth is a friend
that asks for loyalty
and acceptance
then it enters our hearts dissolving the boundaries freeing us from loneliness

truth is a demanding lover
that requires constant affection and endless gifts
then it rewards us
with a glimpse of indescribable beauty making us faint with satisfaction

and finally truth is an empty hand that asks for and requires
nothing
the obvious signs
a playful smile
absence of pretense
disregard for convention
respect for truth

listen when they speak
look where they point
follow where they lead

abandon hope and faith and dreams accept nothing less than all they have to give your share in the infinite is infinite
come claim your birthright
return to the place never left
return and let the seeker rest
subside in the unending peace
let the seeker rest
let that which you seek find you let the seeker rest
the task is finished
let the seeker rest
let the seeker rest
behind closed eyes
the world falls away
a whirl of empty sensation with no boundary
drowning thought
in a silent symphony
burning the body
in painless effigy
when eyes open again the world is cleansed
only perfection remains the room is resplendent with the absence of illusion grateful
for grace
that fills mind with visions of the invisible

grateful
for time
that expands to embrace stillness

grateful
for breath
that seems to require no breather

grateful
for gratitude
that breaks the soul wide open freeing love
in a timeless instant
before a painful idea appears in my mind an ever present softness, a gentle hand
reaches into my thoughts
and soothes them
until they reflect only empty sky

in a timeless moment
before a desire burns in my heart
an inexhaustible peace, a whispered silence quells the storm
of fruitless wishing
leaving me breathlessly still

in a timeless lifetime
before my story is wrenched from silence
a wordless honesty, an unflinching gaze
shows me my face
without shadows of doubt
dimming the fire within

in a timeless eternity
before my soul is torn from infinity
a passionate tenderness, an enfolding embrace leaves me alone
with the source of sweetness
even closer than a kiss
welcome home
welcome to the home never left you have always lived here
will always live here

this is home, forever...
so stop now
no effort is required
even during all journeys
you have always been here

this is home, forever...
so relax now
the fire is in the hearth
this inner fire is keeping you warm the storms outside cannot touch you

this is home, forever...
so rest now
everyone loved is right here
we have always lived here
will always live here

this is home, forever...

I must follow this thought
all the way
let the mind have its way with me but only with me
not with the quiet presence the voice behind all thoughts

I must feel this emotion
with my whole being
and as it sweeps me off my feet enjoy the sensation of falling falling endlessly into the arms

of no lover

I must, I must
for this dream demands no less than total suspension of disbelief total surrender
for the dream and the dreamer are one and the same

I have never been more than a dream and the dreamer
is awake
endless poems wait to be written

while all has been said before this truth can not be spoken and so I try again
just to get a little closer
to the unspeakable reality

forever gently teasing just out of reach forever invisible at the edge of perception forever tranquil in the maelstrom of feelings forever present in this moment’s eternity it doesn’t matter
what I do
mind judges
then judges itself for judging that’s just what minds do when I let it have its way it surprises me by stopping and in the vacant interlude the mind finds no grip
and falls effortlessly
into the deep pool of silence it never left
rain falls
within the endless awareness the sun still shines
behind the clouds

loss rips
at the heart of love empty peace still rests at the source of tears

floods was