PARTNERSHIP
RULES
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We all need to love and to be loved. Most of us want the comfort of a relationship and the closeness of companionship that such a relationship brings. We aren’t islands, and we do need to share together with someone very dear and close to us. ’Tis human nature. We wouldn’t be the fantastic people we are without that need to give and to be given to.
But, and this is a big but (does my but look big in this?), human relationships being what they are, this is an enormous area in which to make mistakes, fall flat on our face, and generally make a dog’s dinner out of the whole business. We need Rules here like they are going out of style. We need all the guidance we can get. Right, that’s enough about me.
But seriously, we do all need help, and sometimes it pays to come at the subject from a slightly different angle. What follows are some unusual Rules to get you thinking about your relationship from a new perspective.
None of this is revolutionary, but these are the Rules I’ve noticed those who have successful, productive, sustaining, long-lasting, and nurturing relationships have about them. They are also the ones having exciting, stimulating, extremely close, and powerful relationships.
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Accept the Differences, Embrace
What You Have in Common
“Sugar and spice and all things nice. ..slugs and snails and puppy dogs’ tails”— isn’t that how the rhyme goes? So which are you? The slugs and snails or the sugar and spice? Chances are, you’re a bit of both. Look, it’s true that men and women have differences. We would be fools if we didn’t accept and recognize that. But we’re not so different that we are separate species—or from separate planets, as some would have us believe. We actually have more in common than we have different. If we embrace those things we have in common and accept what is different, we might get along a whole lot better instead of treating each other as if we were separate species.
A relationship is, if you like, a team made up of initially two people (later the team may get swamped by lots of junior team members) who both bring talents and skills and resources to the relationship. Every team needs different people with different qualities to achieve things and to make the project work. If you are both strong leaders, quick decision makers, and impulsive hotheads, then who is going to see to the detail and finish off projects? Who is going to do the work instead of just generating the ideas? Never mind just accepting the differences—see the benefits! Try to view differences in the light of them being special talents—differences that could be used effectively to make your team function better.
And what of the things you have in common? Those can be great (shared views, shared tastes), but they don’t always make life simple (shared love of being right, shared need to be in control). If you are both genuine leaders, you might both be wrestling for the driver’s seat.
Instead, agree to take turns leading. The things in common should be celebrated and used—in
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combination or alternately—to really fire you both up and make the relationship special and successful.
Look, you’re in this together—whatever “this” is—and you need to work together to make it successful. If you combine the talents you have in common, you will get a lot further and have an easier time of it than if you both pull in different directions. Strip away the layers, and we are all human, all frightened, all vulnerable, all trying to make some sort of sense out of our lives. If we focus on the differences and make a big deal out of them, we risk losing the input and contribution of somebody who can help to lighten our load and make the journey more fun. All those crass Internet jokes—if a woman was a computer she would be this, and if a man was a car he’d be that—really don’t help.
Real life isn’t like that.
WE MIGHT GET ALONG A
WHOLE LOT BETTER
INSTEAD OF TREATING
EACH OTHER AS IF WE
WERE SEPARATE SPECIES.
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Allow* Your Partner the Space to Be
Themselves
It’s a funny old thing, but we often fall in love with someone who is independent, forceful, powerful, in charge, in control, and very much out in the world. Then, the second we’ve captured this person, so to speak, we try to change her. We come over all jealous if our partner carries on being as independent; as if being in a relationship with us somehow limits her, ties her down, cuts her wings off.
Before we met our partner, she managed quite well without us. The second we meet her, we start giving her advice, restricting her choices, limiting her vision and dreams, curtailing her freedom. We need to stand back and give her the freedom to be herself.
A lot of people say that the magic of their relationship has worn off, that there is no sparkle there any more and that they have grown apart.
And then when you look into it a bit more deeply, you find two people locked in a symbiotic relationship of mistrust, oppression, and petty encroachment. They don’t give each other any space at all, let alone space to be themselves.
So what can we do? First, stand back and see your partner as she was when you first met her. What attracted you? What was special about them? What turned you on?
Now look at your partner. What is different? What has gone and what has been replaced? Is she still the same independent person, or have you eroded her space, confidence, independence, vitality? Maybe not, that seems a bit harsh, but
'Yes, yes, I know I said ‘“Allow.” It is a joke, don’t write in...
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unconsciously we do tend to rein our partners in a bit, and they do lose their sparkle.
You have to encourage your partner to step outside of the coziness of the relationship and rediscover her energy and vitality. She may need to spend some time rediscovering her talents and skills at independence. And you may need to sit on your hands at times to avoid reining her in again. So encourage, stand back, sit on your hands, push, and be there. Tall order. Most successful relationships have an element, and a big one, of independence. The couple spends time apart to bring something back to the relationship. This is healthy. This is good. This is grown-up.
WHAT ATTRACTED YOU?
WHAT WAS
SPECIAL ABOUT HER?
WHAT TURNED YOU ON?
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Be Nice
It is very easy in the busyness of modern life and the complex sparring of a day-to-day relationship to forget that we are dealing with a real live human being here and not just someone we bounce off as we go along. It is easy to start to take people for granted, to think we’ve thanked them or praised them or said “please,” when instead we ignored them, were rude by the guilty sin of omission, disregarded them, and generally behaved like they were pond life by default.
To make the relationship go with a zing, you have to go back to square one and start being courteous again in the old-fashioned sense of the word. You have to reintroduce yourselves to each other as respectful, tactful individuals who are going to start again being pleasant, kind, civil, and polite. From now on, you will say “please” and “thank you”
no matter how many times a day it is necessary. Be thoughtful. Be complimentary. Give gifts without there being any reason for it. Ask questions to show you are interested in what your partner is saying.
Be solicitous of your partner’s health, welfare, dreams, hopes, workload, interests, and pleasure. Take time to help him. Take time to focus on his needs and wants. Take time to just be there for him, not to have to do anything except listen, show an interest, show that you still love him. Don’t allow benign neglect to ruin your relationship.
We treat strangers exceedingly well and usually reserve our best attentions for people we work with. Our partner gets missed, lost in the bustle of it all. In fact, we should treat our partner better than anyone else. After all, this is supposed to
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be the most important person in the world to us. It makes sense to show him this is true.
Of course, if you already do all this, you must excuse me reminding you to.
I was reading about a man who kept buying his wife new handbags—
always unsuitable ones, not big enough or tough enough for her needs.
She tried explaining that she was quite happy to buy her own bags as she was a grown-up, but he had gotten it into his head that his idea of
“style” was so much better than hers. In the end she bought him a bag, and that shut him up for a bit. I thought this a wonderfully Zen solution.
She didn’t get cross or yell at him, but just gently poked fun at him.
Brilliant.
GO BACK TO
SQUARE ONE AND
START BEING
COURTEOUS AGAIN.
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You Want to Do What?
Just because we come together to be a couple for however long doesn’t mean we are joined at the hip and have to think the same, do the same, feel the same, react the same. I have noticed that the most successful relationships are the ones where the couple is strong together but also strong apart. The best relationships are the ones where both are supportive of each other’s interests even if they aren’t their own.
Being supportive of your partner and what she wants to do means you have to be very centered yourself not to feel jealous or mistrustful or resentful. You have to be prepared for her to be independent, strong, out in the world separate from you. It can be hard. It can ask a lot of you. It can be a real test of how much you care and how protective you tend to be.
The more freedom you give/allow/tolerate/encourage, the more likely your partner will be to reciprocate and return. If a partner feels she is encouraged and trusted, she is much less likely to “stray” or want out because she feels hemmed in or caged. The more supportive you are, the more she will feel she is being treated kindly, and that is a good thing.
But what if you disagree with what your partner wants to do? Then you have to look at your own stuff, I’m afraid. You see, your partner is a separate human being and entitled to do pretty well whatever she wants to do—assuming it isn’t hurtful to you or in any serious way jeopardizes the relationship (such as sleeping with other people or committing crimes)— and it is your role to be supportive. You may need to question what it is about what she wants to do that you find hard to go along with. This might be more about you than your partner.
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Ask yourself—if she does this, if she goes ahead, what’s the worst that can happen? She makes a mess of your floor, ruins part of the garden, spends money on something you don’t really want, isn’t around much for a week. Now compare that to the thought of her leaving or living with you frustrated and unhappy. Which is worse?
Of course, just because your partner says she wants to do something doesn’t mean she will. Some very stubborn types will, however, be more likely to go ahead and do it just because you’re objecting to everything they mention. Say “yes” and they might well never bother anyway.
If you look ahead to Rule 64, you will read about how you should treat your partner better than your best friend, and being supportive is part of this. We forget that our partner is a separate entity. We forget that our partner, too, has dreams and plans and unfulfilled ambitions. It is our job to encourage our partner to find their path, to realize those ambitions, to stretch herself to her fullest extent, to be complete and satisfied and fulfilled. It is not our job to put her down, ridicule her dreams, belittle her plans, or laugh at her ambitions. It is not our job to discourage her, put her off, place obstacles in her path, or restrict her in any way. It is our job to encourage our partner to soar.
YOU HAVE TO BEPREPARED
FOR HER TO BE INDEPENDENT,
STRONG, OUT IN THE WORLD
SEPARATE FROM YOU.
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Be the First to Say Sorry
Don’t care who started it. Don’t care what it was about. Don’t care who is right and who is wrong. Don’t care whose game it was. You are both behaving like spoiled brats and should go to your room at once. No seriously, we all fall out from time to time; that’s human nature. From now on, if you want to be a committed Rules Player, and I can see from the glint in your eye you do, you will be the first to say sorry. That’s it.
End of Rule. Why? Because that’s what Rules Players do. We are the first. We take great pride in being first because we are so firm in our own sense of ourselves that we don’t feel any loss of pride if we say sorry. We don’t feel threatened or challenged or weak. We can say sorry and still be strong. We can say sorry and retain our dignity and respect.
We will say sorry because we are sorry. We are sorry to have become embroiled in an argument of any sort and have by the very nature of arguing forgotten at least five Rules.
You see, if it has gotten as far as a falling out, no matter how trivial or minor, we have already committed a few cardinal mistakes and thus should be the first to say sorry because we are in the wrong no matter what the argument is about. Arguing is what we are saying sorry for.
Never mind what it was about; we are saying sorry first because we are noble, kind, generous in spirit, dignified, mature, sensible, and good. I know, I know, gosh we have to be all these things and still say sorry.
Tough call, tall order. Just do it, and see how good it makes you feel.
The view is always fantastic from the moral high ground.
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And what if you are both reading this book? Heavens. Then you must not tell each other you are—Rule 1—but then race to be the first to say sorry. Could be interesting. Let me know how you get on.
Saying sorry has many benefits, even if it does stick in your throat a little. Not only does it give you the moral advantage, but it also diffuses tension, gets rid of bad feelings, and clears the air. Chances are that if you say sorry first, your partner will probably be humbled into apologizing also. Maybe.
Always remember you are not apologizing for the sin or crime or faux pas you have committed—you are apologizing for being so immature to have argued in the first place, apologizing for losing your cool, apologizing for forgetting Rules, apologizing for being boorish or argumentative or stubborn or rude or childish or whatever. You can come out of your room now.
WE CAN SAY SORRY AND
RETAIN OUR DIGNITY AND
RESPECT.
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Go That Extra Step in Trying to
Please Them
What? You have to be the first to say you are sorry, encourage and support them, give them freedom, be supportive, be nice, and now I am saying go that extra step in trying to please them as well. Heck, anyone would think you were doing this out of love. You’d think this was for someone you adored and worshipped and respected and had great affection for—someone you really cared about. Precisely. That is exactly what it’s about. This is about going an extra step to please the person who means the most to you in all the world, the person you love and cherish and care about, the person who is the most important human being in your life. This is about your love, your companion, your treasure, your soul mate, your lover, and friend. So what’s your problem? Why wouldn’t you want to do this? Why wouldn’t you be doing it already?
So if we want to, what is it we are supposed to be doing? Easy: thinking ahead. Planning birthdays that are more than just a present, a card, some flowers, and a couple of drinks at the bar—and that’s if they’re lucky this year. It’s thinking about what they would like, what they might want, for birthdays, special treats, days off, long weekends, and anniversaries. It’s thinking of extravagances, luxuries, indulgences. It’s going out of your way to find out what they would really, really like and then giving it to them. And I’m not talking money here. This is about surprising them, finding little things to delight them and show that you have thought of them. Arranging things in advance to let them know how special they are and how much you care and how important they are.
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This is finding ways to delight them beyond the normal, way beyond what is expected, further than anyone else would. This is a fantastic opportunity to be creative, adventurous, wacky, unusual, caring, and loving all at the same time. Haven’t got the time? Then you must check your priority list. What could be more important than delighting your lover and partner and friend? (Yes, it is the same person, not three people.)
WHY WOULDN'T YOU
WANT TO DO THIS?
WHY WOULDN’T YOU BE
DOING IT ALREADY?
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Always Have Someone—or Something—
That Is Pleased to See You
We’re back to the woman and her greyhounds here. When she comes home, her dogs are always pleased to see her, but then dogs always are.
No matter how badly you have treated them,* they always go nuts. Of course, you want your partner to behave in just the same fashion, to go nuts when you come home. And I’m sure they do, don’t they? And, of course, you do when they come home, don’t you? No? Why not? Yes?
Well done.
We all need someone who is pleased to see us. It makes us feel it is all worthwhile. I love it when I have to go away for work for a day or two and then when I get back my children all stand there, like children do, with their hands outstretched with that lovely, “Have you brought me something back?” look on their faces.
Or when they get back from school and you ask if they’ve had a good day and they grunt at you. So refreshing. But you are still incredibly pleased to see them—for them, you are their someone or something.
And no, the red light of the TV standby button isn’t enough. You do need a person or a pet. One of my sons claims his gecko is always pleased to see him, but I have tried hard to detect any emotion on its face and so far failed—the gecko’s, not my son’s.
Not taking them on a long enough walk because you’ve been so busy, forgetting biscuits, stuff like that. I don’t mean treating them really badly. Who would do that?
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Having someone or something who is pleased to see you is important because it gives you someone who needs you, and this gives you a purpose, stops you getting self-absorbed, gives you a reason for getting on with life. But what if you live alone and don’t have pets or children?
Well, volunteer or charity work is a very good way to quickly get in the situation where somebody is pleased to see you. Then again, it could be right on your doorstep.
Even living alone in a part of London where people never really talked to their neighbors, a friend of mine discovered there was a disabled retired man who lived a few doors down from her. She noticed that he found excuses to “just happen to be at his door” as she walked past on her way back from work most days. He was clearly a bit lonely and really valued a quick chat (or a longer one if possible). He was pleased to see her. Who is pleased to see you?
WE ALL NEED
SOMEONE WHO IS
PLEASED TO SEE US.
IT MAKES US FEEL IT IS
ALL WORTHWHILE.
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Know When to Listen and
When to Act
I don’t know if it’s harder for us men to learn this one, but I find it tough. Whenever anyone has a problem, 1 want to rush off and do something. Doesn’t really matter what, just so long as 1 am doing something, anything.
In actual fact, what is often required of me is that I sit down and listen. I am not being told my wife’s troubles and problems just so I can be all macho and rescue her or leap to her defense or single-handedly take on the world for her (in fact, be a hero). What is needed is a sympathetic ear, a shoulder perhaps to cry on, an “Oh, that must be awful for you” sort of response, a counselor’s approach, and a full and rapt attention with eye contact. That’s the tricky bit. As soon as I’ve heard the problem, I’ve switched off, or rather I’ve switched to working out what the solution must be.
But for me, when I have a problem I don’t want to hear sympathetic noises and encouraging sounds. I don’t want a heart space where I can share. 1 just want a solution, an offer of help, an extra pair of hands, a stout length of rope, and a screwdriver.*
But then all my problems are object related and need practical solutions—a guy’s sort of thing. All the problems that I find the hardest to just listen to are person related and need a completely different approach. Knowing when to listen and when to act is an extremely useful skill to develop. I still constantly need to sit on my hands though to stop someone sharing
* Or whatever it takes to fix my particular problem.
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a problem with me by saying, “Hold it right there; I can see exactly what this needs” and then rushing off to fetch my tool kit.
Of course, some problems don’t actually have solutions; that’s not why we’re being told them. We are being told so we can be part of the process, and that may be sympathy, grief, shock, empathy, kindness, emotional advice, or hand-holding.
Knowing when to offer chocolate and sympathy or a tool kit and a stout rope instead is the skill to learn, and a good Rules Player gets it right. (Yes, yes, I know; I still get it wrong far too often.) KNOWING WHEN TO OFFER
CHOCOLATE AND
SYMPATHY OR A TOOL KIT
ANDA STOUT ROPE
INSTEAD IS THE SKILL
TO LEARN.
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Have a Passion for Your Life Together
So you two met and fell in love and resolved to spend your lives together. And you are, I hope. But at what level? I’m not being funny here, but serious (for once). Just sort of living together, going through the days, not really connecting isn’t good enough, I’m afraid. You have to have a passion for your life together. A what? A passion. Being together has to be a strong bond, a common sharing of experience, a dream fulfilling romance that carries you both along. Love isn’t for the half dead, the sound asleep (or even the merely dozing off), the can’t-be-bothered-to-make-the-effort-anymore. You have to make the effort.
You have to stay awake, in touch, in tune. You have to share dreams and goals and ambitions and plans. You have to have passion for being with each other.
Look, 1 know that all relationships go through peaks and troughs. I know we get complacent and even a little bored at times. But you are dedicating your life to someone else’s happiness in a way, and that requires focus, strength, passion, drive, enthusiasm, and effort. What’s that? You’re not dedicating yourself to someone else’s happiness?
Then what are you doing? That’s what a relationship is all about in a sense. And if you’re not doing that, what do you think you are doing?
You have to really care, to still be in love, to want your partner to be fulfilled, successful, happy, complete.
In an ideal world, you only get one crack of the whip at this. (I know that lots of people have several partners over a lifetime, but I assume the aim is always to stay together for life and not to get divorced.) This is your chance to have a really good, strong relationship based on mutual trust, responsibility,
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hared happiness, drive, and the pursuit of excellence. It isn’t? What is it then? It has to be if you are going to get the maximum out of it. Your partner isn’t just there for someone to chat with when you get a bit fed up and want some company. She is there because she loves you and you her. She is there for you both to have a relationship. If that isn’t as much as anyone needs as an incentive to live life to the full and have a passion, then I don’t know what is.
...YOU ARE DEDICATING
YOUR LIFE TO SOMEONE
ELSE'S HAPPINESS.
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Make Sure Your Love Making is
Making Love
So! We get to talk about sex now? Well, actually no. What I’m going to talk about is love. If you are in love and being loved, it is part of the natural process to make love, and this is both fun and fraught with all sorts of problems. In a relationship, as successful Rules Players, we have to be kind, courteous, reverential, stimulating, creative, respectful, thoughtful, considerate, and sexual. Within that sexual relationship we have to be all those things as well—respectful, kind, etc. We have to take our partner’s needs and wants into consideration without subjecting ourselves to anything we wouldn’t want to do or find embarrassing or difficult. We have the right to privacy. We have the right to respect. We have the right to be held in high esteem.
And so does our partner. Consideration has to be the key word. We have to be considerate of what our partner needs, likes, wants, is capable of doing. We have to be courteous.
And yes, within all this there is a space and a place for passion, for excitement, for rude raunchy sex. We don’t have to be tame to be considerate, we don’t have to be inhibited to be kind, we don’t have to be tame just because we are being respectful. This isn’t about being unexciting or dreary or boring just because we are taking our partner’s safety, privacy, health, intimacy into account. Even the most passionate lovers can be kind to each other while tearing each other’s clothes off and having very physical sex—the two can go together.
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who is prepared to take her clothes off at the same time as I do is an honor....) Making love is as close as we are ever going to get to another human being, as intimate as it is ever going to be. If we don’t move respectfully in this arena, then what are we doing? And respect grows out of knowledge—knowledge of not only what our partner likes best but of the whole process. We should be as skilful as possible, and if we aren’t, it is something we can spend a bit of time learning about. There is no shame in learning. We can’t all be born the best drivers and the best lovers in the world.
WE HAVE THE RIGHT
TO PRIVACY, TO RESPECT,
TO BE HELD IN
HIGH ESTEEM.
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Keep Talking
Yep, you’ve gotta keep talking. When there is trouble afoot, it’s talking that will get us out of it. When we are going through bad patches, it is talking it out that will see us through. When we are optimistic and excited, it is talking that will help our partner share it.
If we aren’t talking, there is something wrong. If we aren’t talking, what are we doing? Talking helps us understand, listen, share, communicate.
Lots of people assume that silence means there’s a problem, something wrong. Of course, we don’t need to fill all the silences, but there are some pretty basic rules of etiquette when it comes to talking to each other:
Acknowledge that your partner has spoken to you—and no, a grunt or a sigh isn’t what I mean.
Make some recognition every few seconds that you are still awake, alive, in the room, interested, paying attention—this may be a nod, a yes or no, a noise of encouragement (hmm, oh).
Be aware that talking is part of your duties as a lover/part- ner, and you should be good at it.
Good talking leads to good sex—if you aren’t talking, you aren’t flirting, holding hands, seducing. By talking, we are committing the act known as foreplay.
Talking helps resolve problems; silence only amplifies them.
Talking keeps you together—it’s what you used to do when you first fell in love, remember?
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There is obviously a time and a place for silences (see Rule 58)—but talking is healthy, productive, companionable, friendly, loving, kind, and fun. Silences can be boring, unhelpful, destructive, and threatening.
Obviously, there is quality talking and there is rambling on. Make sure you don’t just chatter away to fill the silences with meaningless trivia.
Talking has to have some purpose, although gossiping is fine. Just babbling isn’t. So talk sensibly now.
IF WE AREN’T TALKING,
THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG.
IF WE AREN’T TALKING,
WHAT ARE WE DOING?
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Respect Privacy
“I want to be alone....” Each and every one of us has a God-given right to respect, privacy, trust, honesty. But of all of them, it is privacy that is the most sacrosanct, inviolate, untouchable.
You must respect your partner’s privacy, as she must yours. If you don’t, you have to question all those other things—trust, respect, honesty—as well. If they are all missing, what you’ve got there isn’t a relationship and, quite frankly, I don’t know what it is, except it belongs in the morgue. So we’ll assume you have a good and healthy relationship. This means you have respect for your partner’s privacy.
In all areas.
If your partner chooses not to discuss something with you, then that is her right, and you do not have the right to:
Wheedle
Threaten
Emotionally blackmail
Bribe
Withhold privileges
Try and find out by underhand means and methods And no, charming your partner out of it counts as a no-no as well.
Privacy isn’t just about not opening someone’s mail or listening to her telephone messages or reading her emails when she’s not looking.
Privacy is also about making sure your partner can carry out her ablutions on her own—we all need a certain degree of grace and dignity in our lives, and separate bathroom activities is the standard bottom line actually.
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Sharing a bathroom all the time isn’t desirable, at least not for all activities. Ugh, how horrid. If you can’t have separate bathrooms, at least have some separate privacy in the bathroom. I know, shared baths and the like can be very intimate and romantic, but you don’t have to cut your toenails or squeeze your blackheads in front of each other.
Don’t do it. Winston Churchill said the reason he managed to stay married for 56 years—or however long it was—was separate bathrooms. So keep yourself to yourself in your more intimate ablutions, and make sure you don’t intrude on anyone else’s privacy.
You can extend this Rule to everyone else in the entire universe, not just your partner.
If you feel a need to intrude on someone else’s privacy, you have to take a long hard look at yourself and fathom out why. The truth may be unpalatable, but you have to know it.
IF YOU FEEL A NEED TO
INTRUDE ON SOMEONE
ELSE’S PRIVACY,
YOU HAVE TO TAKE A LONG
HARD LOOK AT YOURSELF
AND FATHOM OUT WHY.
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Check You Both Have the Same
Shared Goals
When we first meet and fall in love, we think we know pretty well everything we can about our love. We have so much in common. It all seems so easy, so intuitive, so natural. Of course we want the same. Of course we are two sides of the same coin. Of course we are going to share life’s highway together.
Wrong, wrong, wrong. The highway will diverge at times, and if you aren’t on the ball, you will lose sight of each other completely and forever. You have to keep checking that you are both using the same map so to speak, both heading for the same destination, both going in the same direction even.
So what are your shared goals? Where do you both think you’re going?
No, don’t guess here. Don’t make them assumed goals or even guessed goals. You have to know what your partner thinks are the shared goals—and what you think. They might be a world apart. Or then again they might be very close. You’ll only know if you ask, discreetly of course. Don’t want to frighten the horses here.
And you have to differentiate between shared goals and shared dreams.
We all have dreams—the cottage by the sea, the trip round the world, the Ferrari, the second home in Malibu, the purpose-built wine cellar (fully stocked, of course), the Olympic-size swimming pool—but goals are different. Goals are to have children (or not); to travel a lot; to retire early and live in Spain; to bring up the children to be happy, well-adjusted people; to stay together (!); to move to the countryside/town; to downsize together and work from home; to run your own business together; to get a dog. I guess
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dreams are things you aim to get one day, and goals are what you are doing together. Dreams are acquisitions that either of you could want, and goals are shared aims that you need each other for, because without the other the goal is pretty meaningless.
This Rule is about reviewing. To review, you have to talk to your partner about where it is you both think you’re going and what you’re doing. It doesn’t have to be heavy. This can be a light review just to touch base and check that you are both on the same track. It doesn’t have to be too detailed, just simple questions to confirm a general similar direction, rather than trying to map out an A-to-Z of your future life together.
YOU HAVE TO KEEP CHECKING
THAT YOU ARE BOTH
USING THE SAME MAP.
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Treat Your Partner Better
Than Your Best Friend
I was talking to a friend about this Rule the other day, and she disagreed with me emphatically. She said you had to treat your friends better because you knew them better and you owed them more loyalty. I then went on to talk to another friend, and she said that wasn’t the case. You treated your partner better because you knew them less well. Intriguing. My point is you should treat your partner better than your friends because your partner is both lover and friend.
And ideally best friend.
If your partner is not your best friend, then who is? And why? Is it because your partner is the opposite sex and you need a same-sex best friend? Or your partner is the same sex and you need an opposite-sex best friend? Is it because you don’t see a lover as a friend? (If you do answer yes to this, what do you see your partner as.. .what is his role or function in being your partner?)
Again, all this is about being conscious. Treating your partner better than your best friend means you have given it some thought and made a conscious decision to do so—or not if it’s the case.
I would have thought treating your partner better than your best friend would have been a given. This means not interfering, respecting his privacy, treating him like an independent grown-up. You only have to look around to see couples who treat each other like small children, nagging, scolding, arguing, criticizing, nit-picking. They wouldn’t do it with their friends, so why do they do it with the one person who is supposed to mean heaven and earth to them?
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I’ll give you an example. You are a passenger in a car being driven by a friend. She makes a foolish error (though not a dangerous one). You would probably start teasing and laugh a lot. Now imagine the same scenario but with your partner who has messed up. Do you:
Make him feel very small?
Not let him forget it in a long while?
Tell everyone else?
Take over the driving for a while on the grounds he’s not to be trusted?
Treat him the same as you would a friend and laugh a lot?
Hopefully the last one, but watch other couples in similar situations and see what they do.
WHAT YOU DO SEE YOUR
PARTNERS AS …WHAT IS
HIS ROLE OF FUNUCTION
IN BRING
YOUR PARTNER.
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Contentment Is a High Aim
If you ask a lot of people what they want in life, they say, “Oh, just to be happy, I guess.” Same goes if you ask what they want for their children, “I don’t mind what they do as long as they are happy.” You’d be better off wishing that you or your children could be astronauts or brain surgeons—at least you’re in with a sporting chance then. You can train. They can qualify.
Happiness is such an illusory thing that spending too much time chasing it is not very worthwhile. Happiness is one end of a spectrum—
misery being the other end. It is a state of extreme, just as misery represents the other end. If you check back at the times in your life when you’ve been happy—or thought you might have been—I’ll bet there were other extreme feelings involved. The birth of a child?
Excitement yes. Wonder yes. Relief at a successful birth. Yes. But happiness? I’m not sure.
People think they’ll be happy on vacation when they mean relaxed or stimulated or freed from their cares—and indeed they are. Aiming for happiness is one of those “bigger is best” things. You’re never going to make it because there is no top end limit. You just have to go on aiming for even bigger all the time. Instead of aiming for happy, it’s better to aim for contentment. Now that’s attainable. That’s a worthy goal.
This applies especially to relationships—both to the quest to find Mr.
or Mrs. Right and in what happens when you do. Most of us want to fall madly head-over-heels in love. Big chemistry—fireworks, butterflies, unbelievable feelings. It’s brilliant. It’s extreme. But that intensity can’t and won’t last. You have to go back to reality sometime.
You have to get on
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with your life. No one can live at that intensity, that lofty altitude all the time. Contentment is what you hope for after the elation has worn off and you settle back into a relaxed and happy simplicity. In fact, contentment is the worthier aim, because it lasts.
And so if you find you are with somebody where there is no big firework display, palpitations, and extreme of feelings but there is a baseline contentment and warmth and love—be happy with that.
CONTENTMENT IS WHAT
YOU
HOPE FOR
AFTER
THE ELATION
HAS
WORN OFF.
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You Don’t Both Have to Have the Same Rules
Lots of couples make the assumption that everything has to be the same for both of them—that you have to have the same set of rules for both partners. Not true. You can operate under different rules for important areas. The happiest relationships, the most successful, the strongest, are where both parties see the need for flexibility in their rules and adjust their relationship accordingly.
I expect you want an example? Of course you do. Let’s suppose one of you is fanatically tidy and the other fanatically messy (whatever that is). Normally, you would have one complaining to the other all the time about how messy/tidy the other is. There would be arguments and problems. That’s because you are both trying to work to the same rule—we both have to be tidy/we both have to be messy. How about a different rule? I can be messy; you can be tidy. I can have areas where I can be messy, and you have areas where you can be tidy. Now we don’t argue because we have a different rule. 1 don’t have to be tidy when it isn’t in my nature, and you don’t have to be messy when it isn’t in your nature.
Another example? My wife hates being teased, and she hates being tickled. Me? I’m not bothered. She has the rule that she is not to be tickled—or teased—and my rule is I can.* You may be the kind of person who wants to know where your partner is, whereas your partner is not bothered about where you are and doesn’t expect you to report on it. You can then have a rule where your partner tells you where she’s going, to
* No, this is only for my wife. Of course, you can’t come round and tickle or tease me.
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reassure you, but you don’t need to keep her completely in the picture because she doesn’t worry about it.
Your partner may need constant reassurance that you love them and may need to be told several times a day. You might prefer to be told less frequently but when it’s genuinely felt— so you would have a rule that you’d mention it often, but she didn’t have to say it back every time. Different strokes for different folks.
THE HAPPIEST
RELATIONSHIP ARE
WHERE BOTH PARTIES
SEE THE NEED FOR
FLEXIBILITY IN
THEIR RULES
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