LAWS FOR YOU
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I’ve divided the Rules of Life into four areas—you, your partner, your family and friends, and your social circle (including work and friends)—to represent the four unconscious circles we all draw around ourselves.
Let’s begin with the most important of these, the Rules for ourselves—
personal Rules, Rules for us. These are the Rules that will help get us out of bed in the mornings, face the world with a positive attitude, and navigate our way safely and successfully through our day, no matter what may arise. These are the Rules that will help reduce stress levels, give us the right kind of outlook, encourage us to set our own standards, and have goals to aim for.
I guess that for each and every one of us, these Rules will have to be adapted to take into account our upbringing, our age, and our situation.
We all need to have personal standards to live up to. They will vary from person to person, but it is vitally important to have them. Without them we are adrift and unable to monitor how we are doing. With them we have a firm center, somewhere we can get back to, somewhere to touch base and recharge. They are our benchmark for personal progress.
But it’s not all about standards; it’s also about lightening up, having fun, and enjoying life.
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Keep It Under Your Hat
You are about to become a Rules Player. You are about to embark on a life-changing adventure, possibly, if you choose to accept your mission. You are about to discover ways to become positive, happy, and successful in everything you do. So there’s no need to say anything to anybody about it. Keep quiet. No one likes a smart arse. That’s it.
First Rule: Keep It Under Your Hat.
There may well be times when you do want to talk to other people about what you’re doing because, quite naturally, you want to share it with somebody. Well, you can’t and you don’t. Let people find out for themselves with no clues from you. You may think this unfair, but it is actually fairer than you believe. If you tell them, they’ll shy away.
And quite rightly so—we all hate being preached at. It’s a bit like when you give up smoking and suddenly find this new healthier way of living and you simply have to convert all your old smoking friends. Trouble is, they aren’t ready to quit yet and you find they label you as smug or self-righteous or, even worse, an ex-smoker. And how we all hate those. So the first Rule is, quite simply, don’t preach, propagate, try to convert, shout from the rooftops, or even mention this.
You will get a warm glow from changing your attitude to life and having people ask what it is you have done, are doing, and you can say that it’s nothing, merely a sunny day and you feel better/happier/livelier/whatever. There is no need to go into any detail because that’s not really what people want to know. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite of what they want to know. It’s a bit like when someone asks how you are. What they want to really hear is just the one word,
“Fine.” Even if you are in the very pits of despair, that’s all people want to hear because anything more requires commitment on their part.
And for a casual “How are you?”, that’s most certainly not what they want. What they want is just “Fine.” And then they can be about their business without any further involvement. If you don’t say “Fine” but instead unburden yourself, they will back off pretty quickly.
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And it’s the same with being a Rules Player. No one really wants to know, so keep quiet. How do I know? Because when I wrote The Rules of Work, which turned a lot of people onto the ability to be successful in the workplace without having to resort to underhand means, I suggested the same thing and found it worked. Just get on with it, do it quietly, and go about your daily life happily and smugly without having to tell anyone anything.
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You’ll Get Older But Not
Necessarily Wiser
There is an assumption that as we get older we will get wiser; not true, I’m afraid. But we can carry on being just as foolish, still making plenty of mistakes. It’s just that we make new ones, different ones. We do learn from experience and may not make the same mistakes again, but there is a whole new pickle jar of fresh ones just lying in wait for us to trip up and fall into. The secret is to accept this and not to beat yourself up when you do make new ones. The Rule really is: Be kind to yourself when you do muck things up. Be forgiving, and accept that it’s all part of that growing older but no wiser routine.
Looking back, we can always see the mistakes we made, but we fail to see the ones looming up. Wisdom isn’t about not making mistakes, but about learning to escape afterward with our dignity and sanity intact.
When we are young, aging seems to be something that happens to, well, old people. But it does happen to us all, and we have no choice but to embrace it and roll with it. Whatever we do and however we are, the fact is we are going to get older. And this aging process does seem to speed up as we get older.
You can look at it this way—the older you get, the more areas you’ve covered to make mistakes in. There will always be new areas of experience where we have no guidelines and where we’ll handle things badly, overreact, get it wrong. And the more flexible we are, the more adventurous, the more life embracing, then the more new avenues there will be to explore—and make mistakes in, of course.
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RULE 2
As long as we look back and see where we went wrong and resolve not to repeat such mistakes, there is little else we need to do.
Remember that any Rules that apply to you also apply to everyone else around you. Others are all getting older, too. And not any wiser particularly. Once you accept this, you’ll be more forgiving and kinder toward yourself and others.
Finally, yes, time does heal, and things do get better as you get older.
After all, the more mistakes you’ve made, the less likely that you’ll come up with new ones. The best thing is that if you get a lot of your mistakes over and done with early on in life, there will be less to learn the hard way later on. And that’s what youth is all about: a chance to make all the mistakes you can and get them out of the way.
WISDOM ISN’T ABOUT NOT
MAKING MISTAKES BUT
ABOUT LEARNING TO
ESCAPE AFTERWARD WITH
OUR DIGNITY AND SANITY
INTACT.
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Accept What Is Done Is Done
People make mistakes. Sometimes very serious ones. As often as not, the mistakes aren’t deliberate or personal. Sometimes people just don’t know what they are doing. This means that if, in the past, people have behaved badly toward you, it wasn’t necessarily because they meant to be horrid, but because they were as naive, as foolish, as human as the rest of us. They made mistakes in the way they brought you up or finished a relationship with you or whatever, not because they wanted to do it that way, but because they didn’t know any different.
If you want to, you can let go of any feelings of resentment, of regret, of anger. You can accept that you are a fabulous human being because of all the bad things that have happened to you, not in spite of them.
What is done is done, and you need to just get on with your life. Don’t use the labels “good” and “bad.” Yes, I know some of it is indeed bad, but it is how we let it affect us that is the real “bad.” You could let all these things get you down, fizzle away internally like some emotional acid making you ill and resentful and stuck. But you will let them go, embrace them as character forming, and in general as positive rather then negative.
On paper I had a seriously dysfunctional childhood and for a while was resentful. I blamed my bizarre upbringing for all that was weak or dispirited or badly formed in me. It’s so easy to do. But once I accepted that what was done was done, and that I could choose to forgive and get on with my life, things improved enormously. Not all of my siblings chose the same route, and they carried on building up the resentment until it overwhelmed them.
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RULE 3
For me it was essential, if I wanted more out of my life, to embrace all the bad things as being an important part of me and to move on. In fact, I wanted them to fuel me into my future, to become positive to such an extent that I couldn’t imagine being me without them. Now, if given the choice, I wouldn’t change a thing. Yes, looking back, it was tough being the kid I was, living the life I did, but it has certainly helped make me, me.
I think the change occurred once I realized that even if I could get in front of me all the people who had “done me wrong,” there would still be nothing they could do. 1 could shout at them, berate them, rant at them, but there would be nothing they could do to make amends or put things right. They, too, would have to accept that what’s done is done.
There is no going back, only forward. Make it a motto for life—keep moving forward.
WHAT IS DONE IS DONE,
AND YOU NEED TO JUST GET ON
WITH YOUR LIFE.
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RULE 4
Accept Yourself
If you accept that what’s done is done, you are left with yourself exactly as you are. You can’t go back and change anything, so you’ve got to work with what you’ve got. I’m not suggesting anything New Age here such as love yourself—that’s far too ambitious. No, let’s begin with simple accepting. Accepting is easy because it is exactly what it says—
accepting. You don’t have to improve or change or strive for perfection. Quite the opposite. Just accept.
That means accepting all the warts and emotional lumps and bumps, the bad parts, the weaknesses, and the rest of it. This doesn’t mean we are happy with everything about ourselves, or that we are going to be lazy and lead a bad life. We are going to accept the way we are, initially, and then build on that. What we are not going to do is beat ourselves up because we don’t like some parts. Yes, we can change lots, but that will come later. We’re only up to Rule 4 here.
This has to be a Rule because there can be no choice here. We have to accept that we are the way we are—the result of everything that has happened. It all just is. You, like me, like all of us, are human. That means you’re pretty complex. You come fully loaded with desires, anguish, sins, pettiness at times, mistakes, ill temper, rudeness, deviation, hesitation, and repetition. That’s what makes a human being so wonderful:s the complexity. None of us can ever be perfect. We start with what we’ve got and who we are and then we can only make a choice, each day, to strive for some kind of better. And that’s all people can ask of us—to make that choice. To be awake and aware, to be ready to do the right thing. And accept that some days you aren’t going to make it. Some days you will,
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RULE 4
like all of us, fall far short. That’s OK; don’t beat yourself up. Pick yourself up and start again. Accept that you will fail from time to time and that you are human.
I know it can be hard at times, but once you have picked up the gauntlet of becoming a Rules Player, you’re well on the path to improvement.
Stop picking faults with yourself or giving yourself a hard time.
Instead, accept that you are what you are. You’re doing the best you can at this point in time, so give yourself a pat on the back and move on.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO
IMPROVE OR CHANGE OR
STRIVE FOR PERFECTION.
QUITE THE OPPOSITE.
JUST ACCEPT.
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Know What Counts and
What Doesn’t
Being here counts. Being kind and considerate counts. Getting through each day without seriously offending anyone or hurting anyone counts.
Having the latest technology doesn’t.
Sorry, I don’t hate technology. In fact, I probably have pretty much all the latest gizmos. I just (a) don’t overly rely too much on any of it and (b) see them all as useful tools rather than having any intrinsic meaning in themselves, in a status symbol or one-up kind of way.
Doing something useful with your life counts. Going shopping because you’re bored doesn’t. Yes, by all means go shopping, but see what you do as counting or not counting, being real or not being real, having real value or not, being of some benefit or not. This does not mean chucking it all up and going off to some fly-infested swamp to work with the locals and catch malaria—although that in itself would count, but you don’t have to go to quite those extremes to make your life meaningful.
I guess the Rule means focusing on what is important to you in your life and making positive changes to ensure you feel happy with what you are dedicating your life to (see Rule 6). This doesn’t mean long-term plans mapped out to the smallest detail. It means knowing, roughly, where you are going and what you are doing. Be awake rather than asleep. A fellow author, Tim Freke, calls it “lucid living”*—a perfect term for what we are talking about.
* Lucid Living by Tim Freke (Books for Burning, 2005).
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There are some things in this life that are important and a whole lot of things that aren’t. It doesn’t take too much discrimination to work out which are which. And there are a
whole lot more things that don’t count, aren’t really important, to choose from. I’m not saying we can’t have trivia in our lives—we can and it’s fine. Just don’t go mistaking the trivia for what is really important. Having time for loved ones and friends is important; watching the latest soap isn’t. Repaying a debt is important; what brand of detergent you use isn’t. Nurturing our children and teaching them real values is important; dressing them in designer fashion isn’t. You get the idea. Think about what you do that counts—and do more of it.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS
IN THIS LIFE THAT ARE
IMPORTANT AND A WHOLE
LOT OF THINGS THAT
AREN'T.
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Dedicate Your Life to Something
To know what counts and what doesn’t, you have to know what you are dedicating your life to. There are, of course, no right or wrong answers to this one because it’s a very personal choice—but it’s really useful to have an answer, rather than not really knowing.
As an example, my own life has been driven by two things: (a) someone once told me that if my soul or spirit was the only thing I was likely to be taking with me when I went, then it ought to be the best thing I had; (b) my curious upbringing.
The first one isn’t, for me at least, in any way religious. It just struck a chord with me, triggered something. Whatever it was I was taking with me, then perhaps I ought to do a bit of work on it. Make sure it really is the very best thing about me. That got me thinking. How on earth do you go about that? The answer still is that I haven’t got a clue. I have explored and experimented, learned and made mistakes, been a seeker and a follower, read and observed, and wrestled with this great problem all my life. How do you go about improving your life on that level? I think the only conclusion I have come to is to live as decent a life as possible, to go through causing as little damage as possible, to treat everyone with whom you come into contact with respect and dignity.
It’s something to dedicate my life to, and it works for me.
And how can my curious upbringing cause me to focus on what I am dedicating my life to? Well, having had a “dysfunctional” upbringing and having chosen to let it motivate me rather than affect me, I am acutely aware that many people also need to discard that feeling of being badly affected by
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RULE 6
what has gone before. This is what I dedicate my life to. Yes, it might be crazy; I might be crazy. But at least I have something I can focus on, something (for me) that counts.
Now, none of this is big stuff, and by that I mean I don’t go around with this emblazoned on my forehead—’’Templar dedicates his life to
...” sort of thing. It’s more that quietly, in my heart, I have something that I can devote my attention to. It’s a yardstick by which I can measure (a) how I’m doing, (b) what I’m doing, and (c) where I’m going. You don’t need to trumpet it. You don’t need to tell anyone (see Rule 1). You don’t even need to think it out in too much detail. A simple internal mission statement will do. Disney’s mission, for example, is: “To make people happy.” Decide what it is you are dedicating your life to. It makes the rest much easier.
IT’S A YARDSTICK
TO MEASURE
(a) HOW I’M DOING,
(b) WHAT I’M DOING, AND
(c) WHERE I’M GOING.
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Be Flexible in Your Thinking
Once your thinking gets crystallized, rigid, and formed, you’ve lost the battle. Once you think you have all the answers, you might as well hang up your boots. Once you get set in your ways, you’re already part of history.
To get the most out of life, you have to keep all your options open, keep your thinking and life flexible. You have to be ready to roll as the storm breaks—and, by golly, it always breaks when you least expect it. The instant you are established in a set pattern, you set yourself up for being knocked off-course. You might need to examine your thinking pretty closely to understand what I mean. Flexible thinking is a bit like mental martial arts—being ready to duck and weave, dodge and flow. Try to see life not as the enemy, but as a friendly sparring partner. If you’re flexible, you’ll have fun. If you stand your ground, you’re likely to get knocked about a bit.
We all have set patterns in life. We like to label ourselves as this or that and are quite proud of our opinions and beliefs. We all like to read a set paper, watch the same sorts of TV shows or movies, go to the same sort of shops every time, eat the sort of food that suits us, wear the same type of clothes. And all this is fine. But if we cut ourselves off from all other possibilities, we become boring, rigid, hardened—and thus likely to get knocked about a bit.
You have to see life as a series of adventures. Each adventure is a chance to have fun, learn something, explore the world, expand your circle of experience and friends, and broaden your horizons. Shutting down to adventure means exactly that—you are shut down.
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RULE 7
The second you are offered an opportunity to have an adventure, to change your thinking, to step outside of yourself, go for it and see what happens. If this thought scares you, remember that you can always go back into your shell the second it’s over, if you want to.
But even saying yes to every opportunity isn’t set in stone as a rule, because that would be inflexible. The really flexible thinkers know when to say “no” as well as when to say “yes.”
If you want to know how flexible your thinking is, here are a couple of tests. Are the books by the side of your bed the same sorts of books you’ve always read? Have you found yourself saying anything like, “I don’t know any people like that” or “I don’t go to those kind of places”?
If so, then perhaps it’s time to broaden your mind and take the shackles off your thinking.
TRY TO SEE LIFE NOT AS
THE ENEMY, BUT AS A
FRIENDLY SPARRING
PARTNER.
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Take an Interest in the
Outside World
You may be wondering why this Rule is here and not in with the ones in the section about the world. Well, this one is about you. Taking an interest in the outside world is about developing you, rather than for the world’s benefit. I’m not suggesting you have to watch the news constantly, but by reading, listening, and talking, we keep abreast of what is happening. Successful Rules Players don’t get bogged down by the minutiae of their own lives; they don’t live in a tiny bubble. Make it your mission to know what’s going on in the world—in current events, music, fashion, science, movies, food, transport, even TV.
Successful Rules Players are able to hold a conversation on pretty much everything and anything because they are interested in what’s going on.
You don’t necessarily have to own the latest everything, but you should have a rough idea of what is changing, what’s new, and what’s happening, both in your community and on the other side of the world.
And the benefits? Well, for starters it makes you more interesting as a person, and it keeps you young. I met an elderly woman in the post office the other day who was going on about PIN numbers, “PIN
numbers, PIN numbers—what do I want with PIN numbers at my age?”
The short answer is that of course she needs them; she can’t get her pension money without them. But it’s more than that. It is terribly easy to sink into the, “I’ve never done this before, so I don’t need to do it now” mentality. If we do this, we stand a good chance of really missing out.
The happiest, most well-balanced, most successful people in life are those who are part of something. Part of the world, not cut off from it.
And the most interesting, stimulating people to
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RULE 8
be around are those who take a great interest in what’s happening around them. Listening to the radio the other morning, the head of the American prison service was being interviewed and was talking about penal reform, a subject I have no interest in personally. (1 don’t know anyone inside.) You could argue that I didn’t need to know about the American prison service any more than the old woman needed to know about PIN numbers, but I felt more stimulated and alive and interested for it. And that can’t be bad.
TAKING AN INTEREST IN
THE OUTSIDE WORLD IS
ABOUT DEVELOPING YOU,
RATHER THAN FOR
THE WORLD’S BENEFIT.
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RULE 9
Be on the Side of the Angels, Not the Beasts
Every single day of our lives we are faced with an immense number of choices. And each and every one of them usually boils down to a simple choice between being on the side of the angels or the beasts. Which are you going to pick? Or did you not even realize what was going on? Let me explain. Every action we take has an effect on our family, people around us, society, the world in general. And that effect can be positive or detrimental—it’s usually our choice. And sometimes it is a difficult choice. We get torn between what we want and what is good for others—personal satisfaction or magnanimity.
Look, no one said this was going to be easy. And making the decision to be on the side of the angels is often a tough call. But if we want to succeed in this life—and 1 measure success by how close we get to generating that self-satisfaction/happiness/contentment—then we have to consciously do this. This can be what we dedicate our lives to—
angels and not beasts.
If you want to know if you have already made the choice, just do a quick check of how you feel and how you react if someone cuts in front of you in a line of traffic in the rush hour. Or when you’re in a big hurry and someone stops to ask you for directions. Or if you have teenage children and one of them gets into trouble with the police. Or when you lend a friend money and he fails to pay it back. Or if your boss calls you a fool in front of the rest of your colleagues. Or your neighbor’s trees start to encroach on your property. Or you hit your thumb with the hammer. Or, or, or. As 1 said, it is a choice we have to make every day, lots of times. And it has to become a conscious choice to be effective.
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RULE 9
Now, the problem is that no one is going to tell you exactly what constitutes an angel or a beast. Here you are going to have to set your own parameters. But come on, it can’t be that difficult. I think an awful lot of it is self-evident. Does it hurt or hinder? Are you part of the problem or the solution? Will things get better or worse if you do certain things? You have to make this choice for yourself alone.
It is your interpretation of what is an angel or beast that counts. There is no point in telling anyone else that they are on the side of the beasts, as they may have a totally different definition. What other people do is their choice, and they won’t thank you for telling them otherwise. You can, of course, watch, as an impassive, objective observer and think to yourself: “I wouldn’t have done it like that.” Or “I think they just chose to be an angel.” Or even, “Gosh, how beastly.” But you don’t have to say anything.
WE GET TORN BETWEEN
WHAT WE WANT AND
WHAT IS GOOD FOR
OTHERS.
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Only Dead Fish Swim with the
Stream
Life is difficult. And the Rule is to thank God* it is so. If it was all fluffy and easy, we wouldn’t be tested, tried, forged in the fire of life.
We wouldn’t grow or learn or change or have a chance to rise'above ourselves. If life were a series of lovely days, we’d soon get bored. If there was no rain, then there wouldn’t be any feeling of great joy when it finally stopped and we could go to the beach. If it was all easy we couldn’t get stronger.
So, be thankful it is a struggle some of the time, and recognize that only dead fish swim with the stream. For the rest of us, there will be times when it’s an uphill, upstream struggle. We will have to battle waterfalls, dams, and raging torrents. But we have no choice. We have to keep swimming or get swept away. And each flick of our tail, each surge of our fins, makes us stronger and fitter, leaner and happier.
There is a statistic that suggests that for a lot of men, retirement is a really bad idea. Lots of them die within a relatively short time of handing in their briefcase.** They have ceased to swim against the current and get swept away. Keep swimming, little fish, keep swimming.
Try to see each setback as a chance to improve. Trials make you stronger, not weaker. You only get burdened with as much as you can carry—although I do appreciate that at times it may seem as if it’s a whole lot more. And, of course, the struggles don’t come to an end, but there are lulls in-between times—backwaters where we can rest for a while and enjoy
1 Or whoever or whatever you choose to so thank. Don’t write in.
1 I don’t know if this affects women just as adversely. You may write in.
the moment before the next obstacle gets thrown our way. And that’s what life is, what it is meant to be: a series of struggles and lulls. And whatever situation you’re in now, it’s going to change. So what are you 123 | P a g e Affinities of Life
in? Lull or struggle? Rain or going to the beach? Learning or enjoying?
Dead fish or healthy salmon?
AND THAT’S WHAT LIFE IS,
WHAT IT IS MEANT TO BE:
A SERIES OF STRUGGLES
AND LULLS.
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Be the last to raise your voice
For me this is a really hard one. 1 do love to have a good shout. 1
came from a big, robust family where shouting was a way of life and the only way to get yourself heard, get any attention, or make a point.
Dysfunctional? Yes. Noisy? Yes. Helpful? Probably not.
One of my sons has inherited the shouting gene, and he is very good at it. The temptation is to join in. Luckily, this Rule is be the last to raise your voice, so I do have a get-out clause. If he shouts first, I’m allowed to shout back. But I do try really hard not to. For me, shouting in any form is a bad thing, a sign that I have lost control, lost the argument. The son of a vicar once saw his fathers sermon notes and in the margin he had pencilled, “Shout here, argument weak.” I think this just about sums it all up.
But I have shouted at various times and, invariably, I regret each and every occasion. I know I’ve regretted the time I was very shouty in a well-known high street electrical chain over a damaged video player.
At that time I did get my own way, but the reality is that it was a bad thing and deep down I’m quite ashamed of myself.
So what do you do if you, too, have inherited the shouty gene like I have? I find that I have to walk away to stop the inevitable decline into shouting in a challenging situation. That’s a tough one, especially if you know you’re right. There are so many things that make us shout, so many situations where we feel that a judicious loss of temper will get us our own way. But we are dealing with real live human beings who have their own feelings, and shouting is not justified—even if they start it first.
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RULE 11
There are two situations where people lose their temper—justified and manipulative. The first is where you run over their foot with your car and refuse to apologize or acknowledge you have done anything wrong. In this situation, they are allowed to shout. The second situation is where people use anger to get their own way—a sort of emotional blackmail. You are allowed to ignore them or to be assertive to control the situation. You are not allowed to shout back.
I know, I know, there are all sorts of situations where shouting seems appropriate—the dog is stealing the Sunday dinner; the kids won’t tidy their room; your computer has crashed again and the repair department won’t fix it quickly enough; the local deliquents are adorning your fence, again; after going through the umpteen options over and over again, you fail to get through to the receptionist after holding for 20
minutes; the clerk put up the closed sign just as you get to the counter; someone is clearly being stupid and deliberately choosing to misunderstand you.
And on and on and on. But if you take this Rule as a simple “I don’t do shouting,” it becomes an easy benchmark to stick to. You become known as someone who is incredibly calm no matter what is happening.
Calm people are trusted. Calm people are relied on. Calm people are looked up to and given responsibility. Calm people last longer.
SHOUT HERE,
ARGUMENT WEAK.
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RULE 12
Be Your Own Adviser
Deep down within all of us is a fount of wisdom. This is called intuition. Listening to your intuition is a slow-learned process. It starts by recognizing that tiny inner voice or feeling that will tell you when you’ve done something you shouldn’t have. It’s an incredibly still, quiet voice and needs silence and concentration to hear it properly to begin with.You might like to call it your conscience if you like, but deep down you know when you’ve done something bad. You know when you’ve got to apologize, make amends, put things right. You know. And 1 know you know. I know because we all know. There’s no getting away from it.
Be Your Own Adviser
Once you start listening to that inner voice or feeling the feeling, you’ll find it can help. It will become more than a mindless parrot perched on your shoulder, chanting, “You messed up again” after the event. The key is when you hear your intuition telling you whether something is the right thing to do or not—before you do it.
Try running stuff past your inner you before doing things and see what reaction you get. Once you get used to this, you’ll find it easier.
Imagine, in any situation, that you have a small child standing at your side and you have to explain things to them. Imagine that she asks questions—’’Why are you doing that? What’s right and wrong? Should we do this?”—and you have to answer. Only in this situation, you ask the questions and you answer yourself. And you’ll find you already know everything there is to know and everything you’ll ever need to k
now.
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RULE 12
Listen, and it’s all there. If you are going to trust any adviser, who will it be? It makes sense for it to be you because you have all the facts, all the experience, all the knowledge at your fingertips. No one else has.
No one can get inside you and see exactly what’s going on.
Quick point of clarification here. When I say listen, I don’t mean listen to what goes on in your head. Now that really is where madness lies.
No, I mean a stiller, quieter voice. For some it’s more a feeling than a voice—what we sometimes call gut instinct. And even if it is a voice, a lot of the time it doesn’t speak at all—unlike our mind, which babbles on incessantly—and if it does, you can miss it in the torrent of words that our mind produces.
This isn’t about predicting what’s going to happen. You won’t discover which horse will win the Kentucky Derby or who’ll score in the Cup Final. No, this is the important stuff: what we’re about to do, big decisions we have to make, why we are behaving in the way we are.
You already know the answer, if you ask yourself.
YOU KNOW.
AND I KNOW YOU KNOW.
I KNOW BECAUSE
WE ALL KNOW.
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No Fear, No Surprise,
No Hesitation, No Doubt
Where does this come from? It’s from a seventeenth-century samurai warrior. This was his four-point key to successful living—and swordsmanship.
No Fear
There should be nothing in this life that you are afraid of. If there is, you might need to do some work on overcoming that fear. Here I have to confess to a certain fear of heights. I avoid high places if I can.
Recently, owing to leaky gutters, I had to crawl out on our roof—three floors up with a very long drop on one side. I gritted my teeth and kept repeating, “No fear, no fear, no fear,” until the job was done. Oh yes, and of course 1 didn’t look down. Whatever your fear, face it head on and defeat it.
No Surprise
Life seems to be full of surprises, doesn’t it? You’re going along swimmingly and suddenly something huge rears up ahead of you. But if you look carefully, there were clues all along the way that it was going to happen. No surprise there then. Whatever your situation now, it is going to change. No surprises there. So why does life seem to surprise us then? Because we are asleep half the time. Wake up, and nothing can sneak up on you.
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No Hesitation
Weigh the odds and then just get on with it. If you hang back, the opportunity will have passed. If you spend too long thinking, you’ll never make a move. Once we have looked at the options, we make a choice and then go for it. That’s the secret. No hesitation means not waiting around for other people to help out or make up our minds for us. No hesitation means if there is a certain inevitability about a situation, then just throw yourself in head first and enjoy the ride. If there is nothing to be done, then waiting doesn’t help.
No Doubt
Once you have made your mind up about something, don’t go over it again and again. Stop thinking and enjoy—relax and let go. Stop worrying. Tomorrow will come along as certainly as it can. There is no doubt about life. It just is. Be confident. Be committed. Be sure of yourself. Once you have committed yourself to a set course, a path, a plan, then follow it through. Have no doubt it was the right thing to do and no doubt that you will succeed. Get on with it and trust your judgment completely.
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I Wish I'd Done That—and I Will
Regrets, I’ve had a few.... You might be expecting me to say there’s no room for regrets or “if only.” As it happens, they can be very useful—
if you choose to use them to make a difference going forward.
There are three types of “I wish I’d done that” scenarios. The first is when you genuinely feel you didn’t capitalize on an opportunity or that you missed out on something. The second is when you see somebody who’s done something great and you wish it had been you. The final type is not you, but the others—the people who hang around with a sort of permanent “I could have been a contender” mentality. If only I’d had the chances, the lucky breaks, the opportunities. For this last group, the bad news is that even if Lady Luck had come up and bitten them on the behind, they’d still have missed it.
When it comes to looking at what others have achieved, this world is divided into those who look at others enviously and those who look at others as a motivational tool. If you find yourself saying, “I wish I had done that/thought that/been there/seen that/experienced that/met them/understood that,” then you need to learn to follow it up with a
“And now, I will....”
In many cases the thing you wished you’d done might not be out of the question—even if it’s not exactly as you would have done it previously.
For example, if you’re thinking “I wish I’d taken a year off before college and traveled to China like so and so did,” then you’re clearly not going to be able to reverse time. But could you get a sabbatical for six months and go now? Could you take a longer-than-usual vacation and go
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(with family if necessary)? Or how about making firm plans that when you retire you’ll put this at the top of your “to do” list?
Obviously, if the regret is that you didn’t win an Olympic 400m gold medal because you gave up athletics at 14, it’s not going to happen if you’re now 34. What you can do is resolve not to let any more opportunities pass you by. So you can choose to book those scuba diving lessons and, in doing so, ensure that you won’t be saying, “1
wish I’d learned to dive” in another 20 years’ time.
THE WORLD IS DIVIDED
INTO THOSE WHO LOOK AT
OTHERS ENVIOUSLY AND
THOSE WHO LOOK AT
OTHERS AS A
MOTIVATIONAL TOOL
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It's OK to Give Up
You know how you sometimes hear stories about people who have failed their driving test 35 times? Much as you admire their persistence, don’t you sometimes wonder why they don’t just give up? These are clearly people who just aren’t cut out to drive big, heavy, dangerous lumps of machinery around streets full of children and old people and dogs and lamp posts. Even if they do finally pass, there’s a feeling that it’s probably a fluke, and you probably still wouldn’t want to be a passenger on their next trip.
Actually, if these people held their hands up (as some do) and said,
“You know what? This isn’t me. I’m going to get a bicycle and a bus season ticket,” I would applaud their ability to see what was staring them in the face. I wouldn’t call them quitters or criticize their lack of determination or drive.* They’d simply be getting the message loud and clear and having the good sense not to ignore it.
Sometimes we head off down the wrong path in life, often with the best motives. Maybe there’s no knowing it’s the wrong path until we try it.
There’s no shame in admitting it once we realize it’s not getting us where we want to be. When you realize this college course isn’t right for you, or that you don’t have what it takes to do this job well, or that your move to a new city isn’t working out, or that the hours you put into being on the local council put too much strain on your family, it takes guts to say so. That’s not quitting. That’s courage.
* Sorry, couldn’t resist that one.
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Quitting is when you give up because you don’t want to put in the effort, you can’t be bothered, you don’t like hard work, you’re scared of failure. We Rules players don’t quit. We harden our resolve, and we get on with the job without complaint.
However, good Rules players know when they’re beat. If the world is telling you that you took a wrong turn, you can admit it honestly and put yourself on a different track. No one can be brilliant at everything, and sometimes you have to try things to find out whether you can do them. And maybe you can’t.
A few years ago, a leading UK government official resigned from her post, famously saying that she was simply “not up to the job.” Now, I’d never really rated her up to that point, but she rose hugely in my estimation—and that of many others— for that admission. That took guts. Maybe she wasn’t great at leading a government department, but she was certainly in a different league from most politicians when it came to honesty, courage, and self-knowledge. She’s an outstanding example of the fact that if you give up in the right way at the right time, you’re showing strength of character, not weakness.
GOOD RULES PLAYERS
KNOW WHEN THEY'RE
BEAT.
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Count to Ten—or Recite
"Baa Baa Black Sheep”
Every now and then someone or something is really going to get your goat. But you’re a Rules Player now, and you’re not going to lose your temper any more. How, exactly? The answer is in fact one of those old pearls of wisdom. You get in the habit of counting to ten under your breath while you hope and pray that the feeling of impending rage will subside. It invariably does for me and gives me those vital seconds to regain my composure and remember where 1 am and who I am. Once I have collected my wits and calmed down, I can find an appropriate response.
But that counting to ten is essential. “Old hat,” 1 hear you say. Yep, but it works. You don’t like it? Then you are most welcome to find something else to recite under your breath. A poem perhaps, but it has to be a short one. That’s why I suggested “Baa Baa Black Sheep.”
Someone asks you a question and you’re not sure of the answer. Take ten before you answer. This person will think you are incredibly wise and thoughtful. (Don’t tell him if you are actually reciting “Baa Baa Black Sheep.”) It’s a variant on “engage brain before opening mouth,”
too—that extended pause can save endless trouble.
If you find yourself in a confrontational situation, taking a quiet ten can help enormously. I was once in a rough part of a town but very hungry so I ventured into a fish and chip shop. As I was being served, the
“rough diamond” behind me whispered that I should be very careful when I left the shop. I asked why, and he said that I would be relieved of my food
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RULE 16
when I got outside by the local boys who were sitting on a brick wall.
“Saves waiting in the queue,” he confided.
I left the shop with trepidation—no wait, it was actually fear. But I buttoned up my coat, took a deep breath, and stood there looking at the youths. 1 counted to ten slowly while we all eyed each other, and then I walked toward them very purposefully. As I got to them, still counting, they turned away and I was left alone. God, those fish and chips tasted wonderful!
ONCE I HAVE COLLECTED
MY WITS AND
CALMED DOWN, I CAN FIND AN
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.
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Change What You Can Change;
Let Go of the Rest
Time is short. This is another of those facts you can’t escape; it’s a given. If time is short, then it makes sense not to go wasting any of it, not a single lovely drop of it. It’s my observation that the successful people in this life are the ones who wring every last ounce of satisfaction and energy out of life. They do that by practicing this simple Rule. They pay attention to what, in their life, they have some control over and they simply, economically (time-wise), let go of the rest.
If someone asks you directly for help, then that’s something you can do—or not as you choose. If the whole world asks you for help, then there is very little you can do. Beating yourself up over it is counterproductive and such a waste of time. Now, I’m not saying to stop caring about things or to walk away from those in need. In fact, quite the opposite in many ways, but there are areas in which you can make a personal difference and other areas where you’ll never even make a dent.
If you waste time struggling to change stuff that is obviously never going to be changed, then life will whiz past and you’ll miss it. If, on the other hand, you dedicate yourself personally to things you can change, areas where you can make a difference, then life becomes richer and more fulfilled. And the more rich it is, curiously, the more time you seem to have.
Obviously, if lots of us get together, we can change pretty well anything, but this is a Rule for You—these are your personal set—and thus this is about what you can change.
If you have the ear of a president, you might be able to shape policy that affects the entire nation. If you have the ear of the 137 | P a g e Affinities of Life
RULE 17
Pope, you might have a hand in shaping the next Papal Bull. If you have the ear of a general, you might avert a war. If you have the ear of an editor, you might get your name in print. If you have the ear of the head waiter, you might get the best table. And so on and so on. So whose ear have you got? What influence do you have, and what change can you effect by using that influence?
Often the only ear we have is our own. The only definite influence we have is over ourselves. The only thing we can really, really change is exactly that—ourselves. Wonderful. What an opportunity to do some good. What a chance to make a real contribution. Begin with ourselves and let it spread outward. This way we don’t have to waste time preaching to those who won’t listen. We don’t have to waste effort or energy or resources on things over which we have no control and no certainty of any success. By changing ourselves, though, we can be assured of a result.
DEDICATE YOURSELF
PERSONALLY TO THINGS
YOU CAN CHANGE, AREAS
WHERE YOU CAN MAKE A
DIFFERENCE.
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Aim to Be the Very Best at
Everything You Do—
Not Second Best
Wow. What a tall order. This is a seriously difficult thing to aim for—
and deliberately so. If you go to work, then do your job as well as is humanly possible. If you are a parent, be the very best parent possible. If you are a gardener, be the very best gardener you can be.
Because if you aren’t, then what are you aiming for? And why? If you set out to do something, anything, and you are deliberately aiming for second best, how sad is that? This Rule is really simple, really easy.
Let’s take parenting, for example. What is the very best way of parenting possible? There are, of course, no right or wrong answers here—it’s entirely a subjective assessment. What do you think the very best parenting means? Good. Now are you going to aim for less than that? Of course not.
And the same is true for everything you do. You aim to be the very best that you think is possible. Once you become the judge, the panel of experts, it is very easy to live up to those expectations because they are entirely yours. No one else can say whether you have failed or succeeded. No one else can set the criteria for what you are about to embark on.
Look, maybe this is a trick. If only you can judge whether you have succeeded, then obviously you are going to score 10 out of 10 every time. Aren’t you? Probably not. It is amazing how tough we are on ourselves when no one is looking. If we are only cheating ourselves, then we realize there simply isn’t any point to it.
The most marvelous thing about setting your own standards is that no one else can judge; others can’t get their sticky little fingers on what, for you, is right or wrong, good or bad. How
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Liberating is that? Infinitely. Having established that you’ll aim for the very best and you’ve set the standards of what that is, all you have to do is periodically check back to that standard to see how you are doing.
None of this has to be incredibly detailed. For instance, your view of being the best parent could be as simple as “I’ll always be there for them.” You don’t have to provide details, even if it is just for yourself, of how many times a day you’ll tell them you love them, or whether you make sure they wear clean socks every day. No, your aim is simply
“To be there for them, always,” and that is your very, very best. Now, if you fail, it is only because you weren’t there for them. Failing is fine.
Aiming for second best isn’t.
All you have to do is consciously think about what you are doing and then aim for that, the best. The secret is to be aware of what you are doing and have some sort of benchmark where you, and only you, monitor your performance. Make your goals, your aims, simple and obviously attainable. Make sure you know what is, for you, best and second best.
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RULE 19
Don’t Expect to Be Perfect
OK, so you’re aiming to be the very best at everything. But what if you fail? So long as you tried, that’s all right. Who have you ever met who never failed at anything, however small? You’re allowed to be human, you know. In fact, you’re actively encouraged to be human. Don’t try to set yourself above everyone else—the rest of us fail from time to time.
If you’re not a perfectionist in any way—sloppy, haphazard, unorganized, messy, and with a “so what” attitude, please skip this section. But I hardly know anyone like that. I have a friend who is a silversmith. His house is a mess, his personal life is all over the place, but every piece of jewelry he turns out has to be exactly right. Most of us have some perfectionist tendencies.
My jeweler friend is quite right that every piece of work has to be perfect (certainly at his prices). If any piece is faulty, he shouldn’t sell it. But that doesn’t mean that he should beat himself up for having failed. He can just recognize that not everything works out and get to work on the next piece.
I can’t stand people who seem perfect. They make me feel inadequate.
And that’s not a nice way to go through life, is it? Going around making other people feel inadequate. So let’s have none of it. Let’s all aim to be the best but acknowledge that it won’t always happen. Just like gemstones, it’s the flaws, the weaknesses, the imperfections that lend character. A flaw in a gemstone may detract from its value (though not always), but it also proves that it’s genuine.
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RULE 19
You are the sum total of everything that has happened in your life—the successes and the failures, the achievements and the mistakes. If you were to take any of the imperfect bits out of that equation, you wouldn’t be you.
This Rule really does belong with the last one because I’m not saying that you can be uncommitted and half-hearted about everything you do because you don’t need to be perfect. And as a Rules Player, I’m sure you wouldn’t take it that way. The point is that so long as you’re aiming for the best, you shouldn’t beat yourself up when you don’t always make it. Not only that, but you should celebrate your flaws and imperfections as an important and necessary part of you. This is an attitude that will make you a lot more fun to be around, I can tell you.
CELEBRATE YOUR FLAWS
AND IMPERFECTIONS AS
AN IMPORTANT
AND NECESSARY PART OF YOU.
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RULE 20
Don’t Be Afraid to Dream
This may seem incredibly obvious, incredibly easy, but you would be surprised how many people seriously limit their dreams. They’re your dreams, for heaven’s sake. There should be no limit to them. Plans have to be realistic; dreams don’t.
I worked in the casino business for many years and was always intrigued that “punters” (what we should really call “customers”) could never see it; that they would always lose because they wouldn’t limit their losses but would always limit their winnings. Don’t ask me why.
I guess addicted gamblers are seriously not well. They’d go in with the right attitude— “1’11 just lose this $100 and then pack it in.” Result: They’d lose the $100 and cash a check to chase it. Then another to chase the lost check. And another.
I’m not advocating gambling, by the way—not now, not ever. It’s really not a good idea, believe me. The point is that people limit their dreams the way they limit their winnings. And yet dreams are at worst harmless. Don’t limit them! You are allowed to dream as high, as wide, as big, as extravagant, as impossible, as wacky, as silly, as bizarre, as unrealistically nonsensical as you want.
You are allowed to wish for anything you want as well. Look, wishes and dreams are private affairs. There are no wish police, no dream doctors who are on the rampage looking out for unrealistic demands. It is a private thing between you and ... that’s it. Between you and absolutely no one else at all.
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The only note of caution here—and I do speak from personal experience—is to be very careful of what you do wish for, what you dream of, because it might just come true. And where would you be then?
A lot of people think their dreams have to be realistic to be worth dreaming about. But that’s a plan, and that is something quite different. I have plans, and I take logical steps to make them come to fruition. Dreams are allowed to be so improbable that they are never likely to come true. And don’t go thinking you’ll never achieve anything by sitting around daydreaming all day. Some of the most successful people have also been those who have dared to dream the most. It isn’t a coincidence.
PLANS HAVE TO BE
REALISTIC;
DREAMS DON’T.
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If You’re Going to Jump Off a Bridge, Make Sure You Know How Deep the Water Is
Me, I’ve always been a risk-taker. Too much of a risk-taker, some might say. In the long term, I haven’t regretted the things I’ve done in life because they’ve made me who I am, and anyway you never know where the alternative would have gotten you. In the short term, however, I have often caught myself thinking, “You idiot! Why didn’t you see that coming?”
The answer, of course, is because I didn’t check how deep the water was before I jumped. There was the time 1 gave up a very good, steady job to become a writer. Didn’t think about how long it would take to make any money as a writer. * Didn’t plan out whether my savings would last. Didn’t calculate what the mortgage, bills, weekly shopping, car, pet food, and all the rest would cost me with a new lifestyle. Well, eventually I started to make a living from my writing, but there were some pretty sticky years first, I can tell you.
I’ve always been terrified of ending up like those people I know who never take risks and who never go anywhere, change, grow, do anything, realize their dreams. I’ve seen it too often, and I don’t want my name added to the list, thank you. But over the years, I’ve noticed that the people who are really happy are the ones who take risks, sure, but they look ahead first. Not looking for excuses to stay on the shore, but looking to see how deep the water is. As I’ve learned (shamefully slowly) to copy their example, I’ve found it makes me happier, too. I get what I want, and without paying as heavily for it as 1 often used to.
The answer, if you’re wondering, is several years.
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I’ve been gullible in the past. Friends have said, “Come in, the water’s lovely! Join us in this business venture/vacation/game.” And I’ve just jumped in without looking. Funnily enough, sometimes it’s turned out that the water is actually cold, murky, muddy, clammy. And invariably wet. Ugh! I’ve also had friends ask me to support them in ways that I haven’t thought through. There’s an instinct to help your friends when they’re in trouble, but sometimes a loan that isn’t repaid is more than you can afford. Or putting in time to listen to their troubles invades so much of your life that your family suffers.
So whether you’re jumping off that bridge with a friend or on your own, just check the depth first. The water may indeed be lovely, but sometimes it’s better to stand on a bank and dip a toe in, or paddle about a bit, so you have a better idea what it is you’re jumping in to.
SOMETIMES IT’S BETTER
TO STAND ON A BANK AND
DIP A TOE IN,
OR PADDLE ABOUT IT.
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Don’t Dwell on the Past
Whatever the past was, it’s gone. There is nothing you can do to change anything that has gone before, and so you must turn your attention to the here and now. It is hard to resist the allure of dwelling on what has gone before. But if you want to be successful in your life, you have to turn your attention to what is happening for you right now. You might be tempted to dwell on the past because it was awful or because it was wonderful. Either way, you have to leave it behind because the only way to live is in the present.
If you’re revisiting the past because of regrets, then you need to be clear that you can’t go back and undo what you’ve done. If you hang on to guilt, you’re only damaging yourself. We’ve all made bad decisions that have adversely affected people around us that we professed to love but whom we treated disgracefully. There isn’t anything you can do to wipe the slate clean. What you can do is to resolve not to make such bad decisions again. That’s all anyone can ask of us—that we acknowledge where we messed up and are trying our hardest not to repeat the pattern.
If the past was better for you and you hanker after your glory days, then learn to appreciate the memories but also move on and put your efforts into finding a different kind of good time right now. If it truly was better back then (take off those rose- tinted spectacles for a minute), maybe you can analyze exactly why—money, power, health, vitality, fun, youth. Then move on to find other avenues to explore. We all have to leave good stuff behind and find new challenges, new areas to inspire us.
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RULE 22
Every day that we wake up is a fresh start, and we can make of it what we want, write what we want on that blank canvas. Keeping that enthusiasm going can be tough—a bit like trying to take up exercise.
The first few times are impossibly hard, but if you persevere, then one day you find you’re jogging, walking, swimming without conscious effort. But getting going is really tough and requires immense powers of concentration, enthusiasm, dedication, and perseverance to keep at it.
Try to see the past as a room separate from the one you live in now.
You can go in there, but you don’t live there anymore. You can go visit, but it isn’t home any more. Home is here now. Each second of this present is precious. Don’t waste any drops of precious time by spending too much time in that old room. Don’t miss what is happening now because you were too busy looking back, or later you’ll be busy looking back at this time and wondering why you wasted it. Live here, live now, live in this moment.
LIVE HERE,
LIVE NOW,
LIVE IN THIS MOMENT.
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RULE 23
Don’t Live in the Future
Heck, if you thought the previous Rule was tough, try this one ... But the future is where it’s all going to happen, I hear you cry. The future is where I’m going to be successful, happy, rich, beautiful, famous, in love, in work, out of this crap relationship, out on the town, surrounded by friends, surrounded by the finest wines money can buy. Yep, those might be plans or dreams or whatever. But again, this here and now is where it is actually at. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for all your life. This is the moment you must appreciate without all those other things you long for. Look, longing really is the sweetest thing.
Having those dreams is brilliant. Don’t let anyone ever tell you dreaming is a bad thing. But appreciate that it is the you right now that is doing the dreaming. Enjoy the wishing and the longing. Enjoy being alive and having the strength and vitality to do all that dreaming.
Living in the moment doesn’t mean throwing away all your responsibilities and cares; it doesn’t mean taking off and being a total pleasure seeker; it doesn’t mean sitting cross-legged and breathing deeply—although all and any of these things is fine if you want. It just means taking a moment or two every now and then to appreciate being alive and to aim to act like today matters and live life to the full, right here, right now.
We can’t project all our future happiness into the future—“Oh if only I were richer/younger/healthier/happier/more in love/less in this relationship/had a better job/had nicer children/had a better car/were slimmer/taller/fitter/had more hair/better teeth/more clothes”—the list is endless. If only this or that was changed everything would be perfect, wouldn’t it? Unfortunately not—it just doesn’t work like that. When this
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and that gets changed, there will always be something else, waiting its turn and putting off that happiness until some later date. If you were to suddenly find that you were slimmer/fitter or whatever, then you’d probably find yourself wanting to be richer or that your partner was more loving. You’d find other things to wish for to make you happy.
Forget bigger and better and richer and thinner. The key is to appreciate what we’ve got right now and yet still dream and plan. That way we’ll be a little happier now than if we’re constantly looking to the future, where happiness apparently lies.
And don’t go thinking it’s all right for me; it’s not. I too, need to lose a few pounds, certainly get fitter, get more stuff (and how we all love stuff). But I also value the way I am and appreciate what I’ve got right now because—and this is the secret—it is real. The me that is now is the real me; the future one isn’t yet born and may not happen. (You mean I might not lose that extra weight or get fitter? Yep, right.) And the stuff I have now is at least real, tangible, solid. Dreams are great, but reality is fine, too.
DREAMS ARE GREAT, BUT
REALITY IS FINE, TOO.
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Get On with Life—
It’s Whooshing Past
Every day, every second, life is whooshing past at an alarming rate.
And it goes on getting faster and faster. I once asked an 84-year-old man if life slowed down as you got older. His reply was unprintable, but he explained to me in no uncertain terms that no, it didn’t. It carried on getting faster. 1 sometimes wonder if we aren’t picking up speed for take-off, if you know what I mean—a sort of trial run before we leave.
But the Rule, if you want your life to be successful, happy, fulfilled, meaningful, jam-packed with adventure and reward, is to simply get on with it. And I’m sure you do, or you wouldn’t be reading this.
So, how do we get on with it? Well, the easiest way is the same way we would get on with anything else we knew we had to do. We start with setting a target (a goal, an objective), make a plan, formulate a set of actions to take us toward the target, and then, well, get on with it.
Imagine you were a project manager for a big company that wanted you to organize, say, an exhibition. You would begin with clarifying what you wanted from the exhibition, what it was supposed to achieve (for example, to sell 100 items or to give away free gifts or to drum up 20 new customers). This gives you something to aim for. Then you would formulate your plan—booking the stand, arranging the staff, getting stuff printed, etc. With the plan in place, you would work out what you needed and then get on with it.
Life isn’t so different. It’s a project—albeit on a vast scale and much more important than an exhibition stand.
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RULE 24
I’m sure you get the idea. You have to get on with life, but it is so easy to wallow if you don’t have a goal (or goals) and a plan. It’s very easy for the days to blur into each other if you’ve no idea where you are going or what you want to achieve.
None of this, by the way, need take away any spontaneity from life if that’s what you’re thinking. I don’t regard life like a work project, honestly. I do see it as a challenging, rewarding, exciting, rich and diverse, unexpected, and rather fantastic experience. But you have to give it a bit of thought if you want to get the best out of it. Without that thought, the days will blur. Without that thought, it’s easy to find yourself adrift— floating downstream.
I used to think that whatever turned up would be fine. I was a sort of adventurous fatalist—I would be ready for whatever challenge was thrown my way. But, increasingly, I see the huge advantage of having a goal and working toward that rather than drifting aimlessly. It makes it so much easier for good things to happen.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE
IT A BIT OF THOUGHT IF YOU
WANT TO GET THE BEST
OUT OF IT
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Be Consistent
I had an email from a reader of the first edition of this book, who pointed out that an example I gave in one of the Rules in this book was in breach of another Rule. Nope, I’m not going to tell you which one.
You’ll have to work it out for yourself like he did.
In my defense, I’d like to point out that this means I was following the Rule about not being perfect. However, there’s no denying that the reader in question had me figured out and, as he observed (very politely I must say), it’s important to be consistent.
Well, I’ve never been arrogant (or stupid) enough to claim that I never break any of the Rules. After all, they’re Rules that I know work from observing other people, not a list of personal preferences. So I try to follow them as closely as I can, and the older I get the more often I get, it right. But that’s not the same as always.
However, we certainly should aim to be consistent about following whatever Rules we decide to live by (the ones in this book and/or any others). There’s no point in choosing a path if you’re just going to wander off it at whim.
I find that my children are a big help here*. (If you don’t have kids, you’ll have to work that bit harder to identify your own inconsistencies.) If you’re debating a point of disagreement with the children (yes, that is indeed a euphemism), you can rely on them to draw your attention to any inconsistencies in your line of argument, or indeed any inconsistencies between what you’re telling them now and what you did yourself.
* See! I always knew they’d come in handy for something.
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yesterday. It’s a fine line between inconsistency and hypocrisy, and the more clear we are about what we believe and why the easier it is to be consistent in what we think, say, and do.
For example, suppose your son points out that you criticize him if he complains about classmates behind their backs, but you were moaning about a colleague on the phone to your mom last night. You may need to think about the difference between complaining and having a much-needed moan, and then make sure you’re consistent—with yourself as well as your child—about what you allow.
And here’s another thing. It makes life easier for everybody else if you are consistent. Erratic people are difficult to live with and be around.
So are moody people. If your friends and family don’t know how you’ll react to the same event or suggestion from one day to the next, you make them live their lives on edge. Unless you are a hermit. I’m not talking about being predictable and boring. Your ideas and activities and enthusiasms can be wonderfully unpredictable and fascinating. It’s just your behavior toward other people that needs to be reliable and consistent. You have the potential to make people’s lives richer and easier and better—or darker and trickier and more exhausting. Which do you choose?
THERE’S NO POINT IN
CHOOSING A PATH IF
YOU’RE JUST GOING TO
WANDER OFF IT AT WHIM.
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Dress Like Today Is Important
Today is important. It is the only day you’ve got that has some reality to it. Why shouldn’t you treat it as important? It is. So dress like it matters. And no, I don’t mean in the way my mother always used to tell me, “Make sure you’ve got clean underwear on; you never know when you’ll get run over by a bus.” I loved this as a kid. I couldn’t see how important clean underwear would really be if I were lying there in the road. And I used to imagine how, if my parents got me to the hospital in time and the doctor stripped away my torn and blood-soaked trousers, he’d look down and gasp in horror, “Don’t look! This kid has got yesterday’s pants on—get him out of here!”
Look, a lot of these Rules are about conscious choice, conscious decisions, conscious awareness. Those I have observed who seem to have a handle on this thing called life are conscious people. They are awake and aware. They know what they are doing and where they are going. If you, too, want your life to be more than a set of random events that happen to you and instead make it a series of stimulating challenges and rewarding and enriching experiences, then you, too, have to be conscious.
And you do this by greeting each day as if it is important. You get up and shower/wash/shave/put on make-up/comb hair/brush teeth, etc. to make you look good, feel good, smell good. And then you dress smartly, cleanly, snappily, stylishly, as if you were going to a job interview or a birthday party or an outing. If you dress for each day expectantly, importantly, smartly, then each day will become that.
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People will react differently to you if you dress as if it matters—and you’ll react differently to that different reaction. It’s an upward spiral.
I have to stress we’re not talking formal here; you don’t have to be buttoned up and uncomfortable. Just dress as if it matters.
But what about weekends, I hear you ask, surely we can relax then? Of course, but it doesn’t mean you should let yourself go. On weekends you’re going to see friends and/or family (unless you spend every weekend totally alone), and they, too, deserve to see you looking good, and as if they matter. Hey, not even your friends want to see you slovenly, dishevelled, untidy, uncared for. But this bit is really about you. If you greet each day as if it is important, then it will do wonders to your self-esteem, your self-respect, your self-confidence.
But, hey, 1 don’t want you taking anything on trust. Try dressing like today matters and see what happens. If you don’t perk up and feel completely different within a fortnight, then go back to your old ways and to hell with this Rule. But I can guarantee you’ll feel great and face each day livelier and more energetic and happier.
If you adopt the conscious approach to living, you’ll find it quite hard to consciously dress down.
PEOPLE WILL REACT
DIFFERENTLY TO YOU
IF YOU DRESS AS IF
IT MATTERS.
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Have a Belief System
No, no, no, this isn’t where I begin a religious rant or a New Age indoctrination process to welcome you into a strange cult. This is where I simply say that those who have a belief system to sustain them through times of crisis and trouble do better than those who don’t. It’s that simple.
Now what do we mean by a belief system? Ah, that’s harder to put into words. I guess a belief system is what you think the world is all about—
the universe and everything. It’s what you believe will happen to you after you die. It’s what or who you pray to when the night is dark and you are in trouble. Those who have a handle on this curious thing called life seem to be the ones who have worked out, satisfactorily for themselves at least, what they think it’s all about. And it doesn’t seem to matter what it is they think that is. You could believe in God or many gods, or you could believe in something or someone else—maybe that we’re all the product of some weird alien experiment, or you might be a fervent flat earther—it doesn’t matter. Well, I guess it will to you, but as long as you have a belief system, you will do better than those who don’t. Being a seeker is not conducive to having a happy life.
1 know you’re going to say, “But what if I haven’t been able to find an answer and don’t have a belief system? What am I supposed to do then?” Why, carry on looking, I guess, but do try to wrap this one up pretty quick, as it’s an important Rule. Put aside some time to think about it, and make sure you put it high on your list of priorities.
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it supports you in times of trouble, answers your questions about your life and what you mean to the universe, and gives you comfort.
You have to be comfortable with your belief system; it’s no good having one in which a vengeful and violent deity watches your every move and terrifies you into submission. (Sorry, if you’ve already got one like that, you might need to rethink it.)
You might want to think about whether your belief system makes you feel guilt-ridden or unhappy, asks you to cut bits off your body or in any way mutilate or change your appearance, excludes anyone else on the basis of their race or sex, or needs any formal ritual to bring you the comfort it promises. For some, the ideal belief system won’t have any sort of figurehead who needs worshipping, obeying, or submitting to in any way, shape, or form. This is personal, but it’s worth thinking about what you are OK with.
A belief system has to be that—a belief. You don’t have to prove it to anyone else, justify it, [or] show it (see Rule 1), convert anyone else to it, or preach to the world in general. You may feel free to take bits from all other belief systems to build your own. But if you can, have something.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO PROVE
IT TO ANYONE ELSE,
JUSTIFY IT,
[OR] SHOW IT.
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Leave a Little Space for
Yourself Each Day
Most people think they get this, but most people might be wrong. You may think you have a little quality time each day for yourself, but I bet you don’t. You see, even in our time alone, we spend so much of it worrying about others, caring for our family, friends, and loved ones, that there is very little left over entirely for ourselves. What I am proposing isn’t revolutionary or difficult or extreme. In fact, it’s pretty easy. Just leave a little space for yourself each day. Perhaps only ten minutes (ideally half an hour) put aside and devoted entirely to yourself. Selfish? You bet. Of course it is and justifiably so— you are the captain, the engine, the driving force, the motivator, the rock. You need that time to regenerate, renew, invigorate yourself. You need that downtime to recharge and repair. If you don’t, you aren’t taking on fresh fuel. Your engine will run down, and so will you.
So what are you going to do with that time? Answer: absolutely nothing. And I do mean nothing. This isn’t time for lying in the bath, sitting on the toilet, meditating, reading the newspapers, or sleeping.
This is a little space for you, a breather, a time to sit still and do absolutely nothing. Just breathe. I find that ten minutes sitting in the garden just breathing is a fantastic boost a couple of times a day. I sit there, not thinking, not doing, not worrying, just being, while I appreciate the pleasure of being alive.
I discovered this Rule when I was a teenager. I found it invaluable as a way of purging myself of angst and worries. My mother used to call out to me, “What are you doing?” To which the reply was inevitably,
“Nothing.” And she would always reply, “Well come in here, and I’ll find you something
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to do.” She also used to say, “You’ll never amount to anything by having your head stuck in a book.” And the one 1 loved the most: “No one needs to think as much as you do.” How do you answer that?
I find time spent doing nothing really important, and as soon as I complicate it, it loses something. If I add a cup of coffee to my solitude, then it’s a coffee break and not a space just for me. If I listen to music, then it’s a music break. If I have a companion with me and I chat, then it’s a social occasion. If I read the papers then I have moved away entirely from the concept of a little space for me. Keep it simple. Keep it bare. Keep it pure.
IT IS THE LITTLE SPACE
JUST FOR YOURSELF
WHILE YOU DO
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
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RULE 29
Have a Plan
You’ve got to have a plan. A plan is a map, a guide, a target, a focus, a route, a signpost, a direction, a path, a strategy. It says that you are going to go somewhere, do something, be somewhere by a certain time.
It gives your life structure and shape, gravitas, and power. If you allow life to turn up any old thing, you’ll be floating downstream as quick as you like. OK, so not all plans work out, and not all maps lead to the treasure. But at least you’re in with a better chance if you have a map and a shovel than if you just dig at random—or, like most people, don’t dig at all.
A plan indicates you’ve thought about your life and aren’t just waiting for something to turn up. Or, again like most people, you’re not even thinking about it but going through life perpetually surprised by what happens. Work out what it is you want to do, plan it, work out the steps to take to achieve your goal, and get on with it. If you don’t plan your plan, it will remain a dream.
So what happens if you don’t have a plan? Well, you reinforce, to yourself, your sense of being “not in control.” Once you have a plan, everything else falls into place. Once you have a plan, the logical steps to achieve that plan also become available, accessible.
A plan isn’t a dream—it’s something you intend to do rather than something you want to do. And having a plan means you’ve thought through how you’re going to do it.
Of course, just because you have a plan doesn’t mean that you have to stick to it, or follow it to the letter come hell or high water. The plan is always up for review, for improvement, for
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changing as and when you need to. The plan shouldn’t be rigid.
Circumstances change, you change, your plan changes. The details of the plan don’t matter. Having one does.
Having a plan gives you a fall-back position. When life gets hectic—
and boy does it do that sometimes—it is easy to forget what we are here for. Having a plan means that when the dust settles, you can remember,
“Now what was I doing? Oh yes, I remember. My plan was to....” And off you go again, back on course.
IF YOU DON’T PLAN
YOUR PLAN, IT WILL
REMAIN A DREAM.
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Have a Sense of Humor
How important this is. As we struggle through this life—and it can be a struggle—we need to keep a sense of proportion about it. What we do and what we take seriously can often be so far removed from what it is actually all about that it is laughable. We get bogged down in trivia, lost in irrelevant detail to such an extent that our life can whizz past and we don’t even notice. By letting go of things that really aren’t important, we can put ourselves back on the right track. And the best way to do that is through humor—laughing at ourselves, laughing at our situation, but never laughing at others—they’re just as lost as we are and don’t need to be laughed at.
We get bogged down in things like worrying what the neighbors will think, concerns over stuff we don’t have, or things we haven’t done:
“Oh no, I haven’t washed the car for two weeks, and it’s filthy. Next door did theirs yesterday, so it looks like we are really slovenly.” If we ever think we’re getting like that, then we do need to have a laugh about it. Life is for living, enjoying the sunshine, big things—not getting in a terrible state because you dropped some eggs on the supermarket floor.
Laughing at yourself and situations you find yourself in has a double positive effect. First, it diffuses tension and helps regain a sense of proportion. Second, it has real physical as well as mental benefits.
Laughter causes the release of endorphins, which make you feel better as well as give you a better perspective on life.
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This isn’t about telling jokes all the time or cracking witty puns. It’s more being able to see something funny in whatever life throws at us along the way—and there is always some humor in everything. I once came round after being unconscious from a serious car crash. I was in a cubicle in a hospital and in great pain. As 1 regained consciousness, I let out a couple of choice words to describe my condition and, as I did so, the nurse arrived and opened the curtains only for me to find a nun sat outside.* I was mortified and immediately apologized. She looked at me most gravely, winked, and quietly said, “It’s OK. I’ve said worse myself.”
If you observe any aspect of human behavior, you can see the ridiculousness in all of it. Learn to find the funny side of everything.
It’s the best technique for instant stress relief and dissolves anxiety and doubt. Try it.
SEE SOMETHING FUNNY IN
WHATEVER LIFE THROWS
AT [YOU] ALONG THE WAY.
Nothing to do with me! She was quietly waiting for another nun who was being checked out for a splinter in her finger, I later discovered.
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Choose How You Make Your Bed
Every action you take, every decision you make, everything you do causes an immediate effect on those around you—and on you. And this is the important bit. There is such a thing as instant karma. It is your bed, and you are going to have to lie in it. Your actions will dictate whether in general your life is going to run happily or badly, smoothly or as if the wheels have fallen off. If you are selfish and manipulative, it will rebound on you. If you are generally loving and thoughtful, you will get your just rewards—and not in heaven (or the next life or whatever you believe) but right here, right now.
Trust me. Whatever you do and how you do it will come back to you in spades. This isn’t a threat, merely an observation. Those who do good, get good. Those who do bad, get bad.
I know we can all point to people who seem to have it made and are still pretty vile. But they don’t sleep at night. They have no one to really love them. Inside they are sad and lonely and frightened. Those who go around sharing a bit of love and kindness get rewarded with the same coming back.
It’s a bit like the old adage that “You are what you eat.” You are what you do. Look at the faces of those who spread joy, and you will see laughter lines and smiles. Look at those who like to bully, get their own way, and are arrogant or demanding or vicious, and you will see etched lines of misery and fear and frowns where there ought to be lightness.
These lines won’t ever be taken away by face creams or suntans or plastic surgery. They are what they do, and you can see it in their eyes—and the state of their bed, of course.
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So be careful how you make your bed. What goes around comes around. There is instant karma. What you sow you reap. Better to stand up and be counted right from the start.
Do the right thing every time. You know what it is. Then when you get in the bed you’ve made, not only will you be able to sleep at night, but you’ll sleep the sleep of the just.
DO THE RIGHT THING
EVERY TIME.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS.
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Life Can Be a Bit Like
Advertising
Someone once said that half of the money he spent on advertising was wasted, but he didn’t know which half.* His point was, of course, that if you can’t tell which half, then you have to keep on doing the whole lot, fully aware that not all of it will produce rewards. Life is a bit like that. Sometimes it seems so unfair. You put in loads of effort and get nothing back. You’re polite to people and everyone seems rude back.
You work up a sweat and others cruise it. Well, you have to keep on doing the 100 percent because you don’t know which bits will pay off.
I know it isn’t fair, but then life isn’t. Your efforts will be rewarded eventually, but you’ll probably never know which efforts are being rewarded—or for what—and which aren’t.
We tend to think we are being lucky sometimes when actually we are just being rewarded for some bit of effort long ago that we have forgotten about. We have to keep going. You can’t give up on the grounds that you’ve had a setback or two, because you don’t know which setbacks are the ones that count and which ones aren’t. I suppose it’s like the number of frogs you have to get acquainted with before you find your prince (or princess). Or the pile of oysters you’d have to open to find a pearl.
But whatever you do, don’t lose heart because things don’t seem to be panning out. Only by keeping up the effort will rewards come in eventually—and you’ll never know from which bits come the best reward.
*Lord Leverhulme, I believe.
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Most well-balanced and happy people will also tell you that sometimes you have to work at something without looking for a payoff—apart from the immediate payoff that we are being kept busy and thus can’t get into trouble. Always looking for success, rewards, a payoff can be detrimental to our well-being when things don’t pan out. Sometimes it’s OK to do things just for the sheer enjoyment of doing them. I love painting miniature watercolors—tiny, tiny landscapes. Once in a while someone will come along and suggest I put them into an exhibition or sell them commercially. And every time I do it fails miserably, and I give up for a while. Once the dust has settled, I always go back to them. I have learned it is a personal thing, and no longer will I try to sell them or show them. They are a not-for-profit part of my life and immensely rewarding. No, you can’t see one.
YOU’LL NEVER KNOW
FROM WHICH BITS OF
EFFORT COME THE
BEST REWARD
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Get Used to Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone
Be prepared to be a little bit brave every day. Why? Because if you don’t you’ll grow stagnant and moldy or curl up and wither. We all have a comfort zone where we feel safe and warm and dry. But every now and then we need to step outside and be challenged, be frightened, be stimulated. It’s this way that we stay young and feel good about ourselves.
If we grow too attached to our comfort zone, chances are it will start to shrink, or something will come along and dismantle it. Fate, or whatever it is that runs things, doesn’t like us to get too complacent, and every now and then it gives us a great big cosmic kick up the backside to wake us up. If we have practiced stretching the boundaries of our woolly cocoon occasionally, that kick won’t have too much impact—we’re ready for it—it’s much easier to cope.
But it’s more than that. Expanding your comfort zone makes you feel good about yourself. It gives you extra confidence. And the best bit is that you can do it oh so gently. You don’t have to go hang gliding or fire walking or have sex with a stranger just to test your comfort zone.
It might be as simple as volunteering for something that you’ve never done before and that you feel slightly nervous about. It could be taking up a new sport or hobby. Maybe it will involve joining something. It could be doing something alone that you’ve only ever done in company before or speaking up for yourself when you would usually keep quiet.
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We impose a lot of restrictions on ourselves that limit us, hold us back. We think we couldn’t do that, wouldn’t feel happy with that.
Taking the challenge of expanding our comfort zone brings us out of ourselves and keeps us learning and growing. You can’t grow mold if you’re growing experience.
EXPANDING YOUR
COMFORT ZONE MAKES
YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT
YOURSELF.
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Learn to Ask Questions
Look, you may not like the answers, but at least you’ll know. Most of the world’s problems can be laid firmly at the feet of assumptions. If we assume (no, I’m not going to do that dreadful “it makes an ass out of u and me” stuff*) then, in effect, we think we know but we don’t.
We assume that our bit of faulty information is a fact, and things go on getting worse. We assume that other people like our plan but they don’t, and it all goes pear-shaped. Better to ask questions right from the start and know what’s what.
Questions help clarify the situation. Questions put people on the spot, which means they have to think—and thinking is always a good thing for everybody about everything. Questions help people clarify their thoughts. Questions demand answers, and answers require the situation to be thought through, to its logical conclusion.
As someone very wise and very dear to me once said, “The better you understand the beliefs, actions, desires, and wants of others, the more likely you are to make the right response, alter your own thinking where necessary, and generally be successful.”
Asking questions gives you time to think, buys you breathing space.
Rather than flying off the handle because you think you know the situation, it’s better to ask a few questions and find out the truth. You’ll be better equipped to respond logically, calmly, and correctly.
1 know I did but that was a joke.
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You can always tell the real Rules Players; they’re the ones asking questions while others are reacting, panicking, misinterpreting, assuming, losing control, and generally behaving badly.
Ask questions of yourself constantly. Ask why you think you’re right—or wrong. Ask yourself why you are doing certain things, want other things, follow a particular course of action. Question yourself firmly and rigorously, because maybe there isn’t anyone else doing it.
And you need it. We all do. It keeps us from assuming we know what’s best for ourselves.
And, of course, there is a time to stop asking questions—of others and of ourselves. You have to know when to back off. All this takes a long time to learn, and we all make mistakes as we go. Any questions?
QUESTIONS HELP PEOPLE
CLARIFY THEIR THOUGHTS
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Have Dignity
I’ve spent years watching successful people, and I don’t just mean successful as in having lots of money or a big-shot career. In fact, one of the most successful people I ever met lived incredibly frugally, simply, and reclusively and yet had cracked success in a really big way—happiness, peace, contentment. This was a person you couldn’t have wiped the inner smile off even if you had tried.
Almost all successful people have a sense of their own dignity. Now what do I mean by this? Well, they are all pretty solid in themselves; they have worked out who they are and what they are about. They don’t need to show off or brag about what they have or who they are. They don’t need to draw attention to themselves because they aren’t particularly interested in what we think—they are too busy getting on with things in their own lives. They maintain decorum (lovely old-fashioned word) not because they are frightened of making a fool of themselves or falling flat on their face but because they simply can’t be bothered with attention-seeking stuff.
It is important—if you want to be a successful Rules Player— to show poise and gravitas, be a bit separate from the herd, have good manners, be polite and considerate, and be someone others might like to look up to. You don’t have to be all aloof and stand-offish, serious and grownup. You can still have fun—just don’t go making an idiot of yourself.
You can still let your hair down—just don’t let go of control completely. You can still relax—just don’t fall off the edge.
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Dignity is about showing self-respect and having quiet self- esteem.
It’s amazing how others will respect you and hold you in greater esteem when you start the ball rolling.
DIGNITY IS ABOUT SHOWING
SELF-RESPECT AND HAVING
QUIET SELF-ESTEEM.
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It’s OK to Feel Big Emotions
If we’re busily maintaining dignity and being peaceful, it’s tempting to think that we’re detached, and there’s no place for big feelings. Well, the good news is, it doesn’t work like that. It is OK to feel emotions. It is OK to feel angry when someone really upsets you. It is OK to feel huge sadness and grief when you lose a loved one. It is OK to feel tremendous joy. It is OK to be scared, anxious, relieved, excited, apprehensive, and all the others.
We are human beings, and we have emotions. This is all quite natural.
It is quite natural to feel big things deeply, and it’s OK to let it all show.
We don’t have to be ashamed of our feelings. It is OK to cry. Sitting on our feelings isn’t a good idea. They just get squashed that way. It’s far better to let them out, deal with them, and then get on with things.
If we go through trauma, upsetting experiences, and difficult times, it certainly doesn’t help to be thinking all the time that we have to keep a lid on it or people will think us weak or out of control. I know this might look as if it contradicts keeping our dignity, but feeling emotion is not undignified unless we express it inappropriately or at the wrong time.
Sometimes even getting angry is totally appropriate—as long as we remain in control and don’t do anything we might regret later. Getting angry reminds people that we aren’t a pushover and that they have hurt/offended/threatened us deeply and seriously and that their actions have caused us great pain. Of course, we shouldn’t get angry over silly things—instead, we should choose to show anger only when it is needed, and needed seriously. Likewise, it’s not good to get angry and take
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it out on innocent people—if you can’t express the anger appropriately, then you need to find a way of letting it out that isn’t going to hurt anybody else. But let it out you must. Bottled anger eats away at you.
It’s not just anger that shouldn’t be permanently restrained. Neither should fear or anxiety or great joy or any of the other emotions. Just because we are feeling big emotions doesn’t mean we are out of control. We can be quite emotional and still be in charge of what we are expressing. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel stuff—and feel it big time. Emotions are natural, and you shouldn’t make an attempt to stifle them. Of course, you can make sure emotion is let out at an appropriate time and place, but that is within your control. But then again if you do respond badly, you can always feel guilty about it afterward—and that’s OK, too.
SITTING ON OUR FEELINGS
ISN’T A GOOD IDEA.
THEY JUST GET SQUASHED
THAT WAY.
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Keep the Faith
Keeping the faith is about sticking to your promises, going down into darkness rose-crowned, proud, and unreluctant, knowing you’ve done the right thing and stuck by your friends in times of trouble. These are perhaps old-fashioned values— honor, loyalty, trust, pride, support, fidelity, reliability, dependability, strength, seeing things through, constancy—but no less worth having for all that. We live in a throw-away society, and keeping your word, being there when you said you would, being dependable and reliable, makes you stand out as a person of some value, some worth. This is a good thing.
We fight shy of being “good” these days in case people mistake us for
“goody-goodies.” But that’s another thing entirely. Keeping the faith is something you do. Being a goody-goody is when you try to convert others. Having your own values and keeping them to yourself (sticking to Rule 1) is fine. Trying to make everyone else do the same as you is a bad thing. That makes you a goody-goody.
No, it doesn’t apply to me because I’m only giving out information, not trying to convert you. It is entirely up to you whether you pick up this information and run with it. But 1 can guarantee you I shall keep the faith, and the information I give you today will be the same information I would give you in 20 years’ time. Old-fashioned values never go out of style (perhaps they’ve always been out), and I shan’t let you down.
KEEPING THE FAITH IS
SOMETHING YOU DO.
BEING A GOODY-GOODY IS
WHEN YOU TRY TO
CONVERT OTHERS.
177 | P a g e Affinities of Life
You’ll Never Understand
Everything
Look, we are tiny complex humans in a huge complex world (and even bigger universe). It’s all so unimaginably, fantastically strange that, believe me, we’ll never be able to understand everything. And that applies at all levels and in all areas of life. Once you grasp this rule, you’ll sleep easier at night.
There are likely to be a few things going on around you right now, as there always will be, that will remain just slightly outside of your comprehension. People will behave oddly and you won’t understand why. Things will go unexpectedly wrong— or right—and it won’t make sense. Spend all your time desperately trying to work it all out and you’ll drive yourself crazy. Much better to just accept that there is always stuff that we won’t understand and let it go at that. How simple that is.
It’s the same principle for the big stuff—why things happen to us, why we are here, where we go afterward, that sort of thing. Some of it we’ll never know, some of it we can try and work out, but I have a sneaking feeling it won’t turn out to be anything like we think.
It’s as if our lives are an enormous jigsaw and all we get access to is the bottom-left bit. And from that we make these huge assumptions:
“Oh, it’s a But when the veil gets taken away, we see that the jigsaw is massive and that the one tiny bit we were scrutinizing was actually something else, and there we are looking at an entirely different picture than the one we’d imagined.
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We are now collecting information faster than any human, or any computer, can process it. We can’t understand it all. We can’t even begin to understand a tiny fraction of it. Same with our lives. Stuff is going on around us at such a rate we’ll never get to the bottom of it.
Because as fast as we try, the picture changes, new information comes in, and our understanding alters.
Be curious, ask questions, wonder to yourself, talk to other people if you like—but know that this won’t always give you a clear and concrete answer. People don’t always make sense. Life doesn’t always make sense. Let it go, and discover the peace of mind that comes with knowing that you’ll never understand everything. Sometimes it just is.
PEOPLE WILL
BEHAVE ODDLY.
THINGS WILL GO
UNEXPECTEDLY WRONG-
OR RIGHT.
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Know Where True Happiness
Comes From
No, I’m not about to reveal the secret people have sought since the beginning of time—where true happiness comes from. But I do know where it isn’t to be found. And I do have an inkling where it might be.
Let’s take a scenario. You go out to buy a new car/house/suit/computer/whatever turns you on. You have the money (no, I have no idea where you get it from; this is just an example) and you
buy
whatever
it
is,
and
it
makes
you
feel
incredible/happy/excited/fantastic. Now imagine whoever it was who built/made/created whatever it is you bought. When that person made it, where did he fit that feeling in? 1 think you might have brought that feeling with you.
Now imagine you fall in love. It is incredible. You feel fantastic, happy, excited. You go to meet your new love, and when you see him, that feeling spills out in all directions. You feel amazing because you are with him and he is generating that feeling. Right? Wrong. Again, you brought it all with you. You may look to him to trigger it, but even if he went to the other end of the planet, you’ll still have that feeling.
You get fired. Ghastly. You are given your papers. You walk away devastated. You feel like nothing. Now where in that documentation is that feeling you now have? Nowhere, that’s right. Again, you brought it all with you. We all go to work every day with the potential to have that “I’ve just been fired” feeling. We all meet new people with the
“I’ve fallen head over heels in love” feeling.
But no amount of falling in love, buying new stuff, or getting sacked is going to keep that feeling going for longer than it 180 | P a g e Affinities of Life
RULE 39
takes us to get over it. People get addicted to buying new stuff or falling in love or whatever because they just love that feeling without realizing that they already have it. They have to keep having their “fix” because they think it’s the only way to get that feeling going. The secret is knowing how to trigger it without anyone else or anything else being involved. No, I don’t know. You have to find that one for yourself.
Clue: It’s the one place you’d never think of looking—yep, right inside you.
I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE
BROUGHT THAT FEELING
WITH YOU.
181 | P a g e Affinities of Life
Life Is a Pizza
I love my kids. I love reading to them, playing with them, watching them grow up, listening to them talk, teaching them to ride bikes, taking them to the beach, and generally hanging out with them.
Mind you, 1 hate picking up after them, listening to them squabble, and being spoken to in that dismissive way that only teenagers can really do justice to. But I can’t seem to have the good bits without the picking up, the squabbles, and the sharp end of a teenager’s tongue from time to time. I wouldn’t be without them, though (most days).
I love pizza, too. I love crispy pizzas, and I like the soft squishy ones.
Any pizza really. I love peperoni and mozzarella and tomatoes and juicy chunks of ham and piquant capers and crispy onions. Mind you, 1 hate olives, and they sometimes appear on pizzas without being ordered. Disgraceful. And those dried up tomatoes you sometimes get.
The ones that are all chewy. Ugh! I always pick those off and throw them away.
When my kids were little, they’d refuse to eat a pizza that had something they didn’t like on it. They’d burst into tears and sob, “I hate mushrooms!” or “I can’t stand cooked tomatoes!” They had to learn that, if they couldn’t work round the mushrooms or cooked tomatoes, they couldn’t have pizza at all.
You know what I’m going to say. Yes, life is a pizza, with everything on it. If you want the good bits, you have to deal with the bad bits. If you love everything about your job apart from one person you don’t like dealing with, recognize that the job comes as a package and you buy into it or quit the job. If you
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love your partner but hate the way she sulks after an argue- ment, accept her as she is and recognize that the sulking is the bit that reminds you how wonderful everything else is. If your neighbor is friendly and keeps an eye on your property when you’re out and signs for your deliveries and babysits the kids, you just have to live with the fact that she talks too much; and stop moaning about it. And when you stop moaning, you’ll probably find you mind it much less.
I know parents who move their child from school to school until they find one that’s perfect in every way. They never do find that, of course, but eventually they have to stop because the child has grown up. I’m not saying you should never move your child (if you have the option), but stop looking for perfection because you won’t find it. Life isn’t perfect.
The best things in life come with chewy, dried tomatoes and olives.
There’s no point moaning. Just pick them off, or swallow them down as fast as you can, and then sink your teeth into what’s left and relish every bite.
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE
COME WITH CHEWY,
DRIED TOMATOES.
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Know When to Let Go—
When to Walk Away
Sometimes you have to just walk away. We all hate to fail, hate to give up, hate to give in. We love the challenge of life and want to keep on until whatever we are trying to “win” has been overcome, vanquished, beaten, won. But sometimes it just ain’t going to happen, and we need to learn to recognize those moments, learn how to philosophically shrug and walk away with our pride intact and our dignity high.
Sometimes you really want to do something, but it is unrealistic.
Instead of knocking yourself out, cultivate the art of knowing when to walk away, and you’ll find it a lot less stressful.
If a relationship is coming to its end, instead of playing out long and complicated—and potentially hurtful—end games, learn the art of walking away. If it’s dead, leave it. This isn’t a Rule that should be in the relationship section—it’s here because it is for you, to protect you, to nurture you. This is nothing to do with “them” but all to do with you.
If it’s dead, don’t go digging it up every five minutes to check if there’s a pulse. It’s dead; walk away.
You may want to get even. Don’t get mad; walk away. This is much better than getting even because it shows you have risen above whatever it is that is driving you crazy. And there can be no better way of getting even than to ignore something so completely it can be left behind.
Letting go and walking away means you are exercising control and good decision-making powers—you are making your choice rather than letting the situation control you.
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I don’t want to be rude, but your problems—hey, my problems, too—
won’t even warrant a footnote in the history of the universe. Walk away now and look back after ten years. 1 bet you’ll be hard pressed to even remember what it was all about. No, this isn’t a “time is the best healer”
crusade, but putting space and time between you and your troubles does give you a wider view, a better perspective. And the way to do that is to walk away, put that space there. Time will put itself there, in time.
IF IT’S DEAD, DON’T GO
DIGGING IT UP EVERY
FIVE MINUTES TO CHECK
IF THERE’S A PULSE.
IT’S DEAD;
WALK AWAY
185 | P a g e Affinities of Life
Retaliation Leads to Escalation
Now, I’ll be honest here. Among my friends, I’m not actually known for my tolerance or my ability to let things lie. Frankly, if someone puts me down or winds me up, my first instinct is to respond in kind. When I was (much) younger, this led to the occasional fist fight. Even when I learned to stop picking fights—or letting other people pick them with me—I still couldn’t resist a smartass retort or a petty act of vengeance.
Well, it’s hard. If your neighbor cuts down a tree that’s technically yours, you feel aggrieved and want to cut down one of his trees that overhangs your fence—even if you didn’t particularly like the original tree. Or perhaps a colleague at work takes credit for an idea that you came up with. How tempting to get her back by forgetting to mention until the last minute that the deadline on her current project is being brought forward, or drawing attention to the fact that last month’s catastrophic exhibition was her idea.
However, think about it. (After many years even I learned to think this one through, so I’m sure you can.) Anyone who is prepared to cut down your tree or steal your idea isn’t about to take your little act of revenge lying down. Nope. This person is going to bulldoze your garage next, or try to get you fired. Then what’ll you do? Blow up his car? Hire an employment lawyer? Are you sure this isn’t getting out of hand?
Actually, this is one lesson I learned from my kids.* The thing about siblings is that they’re so upfront with their squabbles that you can watch the whole thing spiral out of control much faster than in grownup versions. We so-called adults plot and
*And I’ve been trying to teach it back to them ever since.
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scheme and plan our Machiavellian strategies over days or even months.
Brothers and sisters can go from a minor disagreement to all- out war within minutes.
Look, retaliation can only lead to one thing—an escalation of hostilities. That’s the story of wars the world over and throughout history. And we’re no different in our dealings with neighbors, colleagues, and all those other people we get thrown together with whether we like them or not.
So how do we call an end to this madness? The cycle is only broken when one of those involved is mature enough to see that someone has got to bite her tongue, or hold back, to stop it in its tracks. Someone has to be grown-up enough to turn the other cheek, assume the moral high ground, take it like a man**, call a halt, and just let the whole thing drop. Yes, even when you have got a really cutting retort, or cunning masterstroke up your sleeve. It really is sometimes better to do nothing, say nothing. Come on, if I can do it, anyone can.
ANYONE WHO IS PREPARED
TO CUT DOWN YOUR TREE
OR STEAL YOUR IDEA
ISN’T ABOUT TO TAKE
YOUR LITTLE ACT OF
REVENGE LYING DOWN
187 | P a g e Affinities of Life
Look After Yourself
You are the Boss, the Captain, the Driving Force. If you are sick, who is going to run the ship? There is no one else. It makes sense to look after yourself. And I have no intention of getting all preachy here and telling you to go to bed early, eat your greens, and do loads of exercise—that would all be pure hypocrisy because I don’t do any of those things. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t, however. They are all a good idea.
An occasional quick body service might be a good idea, a regular check-up to nip any potential problems in the bud. 1 have an annual one. I would also suggest that some foods are like dynamite and they fill you with energy, speed your metabolism, and make you feel great.
Other foods make you sluggish, get stored as fat, and slow you down.
They might also do you long-term damage in the way of clogging up your arteries. Now the choice is entirely yours, but the machine that is you runs better on high-energy food and worse on junk food.
Same with sleep. Going without makes you tired. Having too much makes you lethargic. Getting the right amount makes you feel good.
Going back to sleep makes you feel blurry. Getting up straight away makes you feel good—and noble. Nothing better. But, of course, all this is entirely up to you. No one is going to stand behind you anymore and make sure you’ve washed behind your ears or check that your shoes are clean and polished. You’re a grown-up and on your own now.
Fantastic. But it means you have all the responsibility, too.
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Rules Players eat well, sleep well, relax a lot, exercise. (And no, computer games don’t count.) They also stay away from potentially harmful situations. They know how to say out of danger, avoid threatening encounters, and generally take care of themselves.
Looking after yourself is exactly that. Not relying on anyone else to make sure you are fed on time and fed well, washed and ready to go, comfortable, tidy, healthy, and let out regularly for your walk. It’s great being a grown-up. You get to stay up all night partying if you want to, but you can also choose to take care of yourself if you want to.
YOU’RE A GROWN-UP
AND
ON YOUR OWN NOW
189 | P a g e Affinities of Life
Maintain Good Manners in All
Things
In her wonderful book Watching the English,* Kate Fox observes that in any small transaction, like buying a newspaper, there will be around three pleases and two thank-yous—and that’s a minimum. We have to interact with a whole host of people every day, and a little politeness has to be a good thing. The Rules Player maintains good manners in all things. And if you don’t know what good manners are, then we are in trouble.
You’re probably thinking that you have good manners already. Most of us believe we do. However, the more you hurry and the more stress you are under, the more manners are likely to slip. All of us, if we’re honest, will admit to forgetting to properly express gratitude for something when frazzled by life or feeling a huge temptation to push in front of somebody old when rushing to catch a bus.
However rushed and fraught you are (and following the Rules should make you less so), you should always make the effort to show these good manners:
Lining up without pushing
Complimenting people when you need to (and when they deserve it—no use throwing compliments around if they aren’t justified and earned)
Not sticking your nose in where it isn’t wanted
* Watching the English: The Hidden Rules of English Behaviour by Kate Fox (Hodder & Stoughton, 2004).
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Keeping a promise
Keeping a secret
Keeping basic table etiquette (oh, come on, you know this stuff: no elbows, no talking with your mouth open, no overstuffing your mouth, no flicking peas with your knife)
Not shouting at people who get in your way
Apologizing when you get in someone else’s
Being civil
Not swearing or being religiously profane
Opening the door ahead of people
Standing back when there’s a rush
Answering when spoken to
Saying “good morning”
Thanking people when they’ve looked after you or done something for you
Being hospitable
Observing manners of other communities
Not grabbing the last piece of cake
Being courteous and charming
Offering visitors refreshment and going to the front door to say goodbye to them
No matter how many small interactions with people you have each day, don’t let the manners slip. They cost nothing and yet can generate so much goodwill and make everyone’s life that much more pleasant.
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Prune Your Stuff Frequently
Why? Because collecting clutter clutters your home, your life, and your mind. A cluttered home is symbolic of cluttered thinking. Rules Players are clear and direct in their thinking and don’t collect junk. If only. We all do, of course. All I am suggesting is that occasionally clearing some of it out might be a good idea, or it overwhelms you emotionally and gets more and more cobwebby.
Pruning your stuff gives you a chance to get rid of anything that is useless, broken, out of date, uncool, uncleanable, redundant, and ugly.
It was, after all, William Morris who said not to have anything in your home that wasn’t useful or beautiful. Having a good clear-out refreshes you, revitalizes you, makes you conscious of what you are collecting—
and anything that makes us conscious is a good thing in my book.
Again, I have noticed a difference between successful people and those who seem to labor in a backwater never really getting their lives off the ground. Those who are punchy and getting on with things are also those who have an amazing ability to prune stuff, clear the clutter, sort the wheat from the chaff. Those who are having trouble getting lift-off are those running along the tarmac still clutching black plastic sacks full of useless stuff they bought from the charity shop and have never thrown away—or opened since they bought them, cupboards full of junk that is just taking up space, drawers full of broken things, and closets full of clothes they can no longer get into or which have so long gone out of fashion they may be worth something as collector’s items but will never be worn again.
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There is an “unburdening” effect that comes with pruning. You have more space in your home, you have a feeling of being more in control, and you get rid of that slightly overwhelmed feeling that comes with having piles of stuff accumulating everywhere. You don’t have to live in a spotless house full of designer furniture and minimalist styling. All I’m suggesting is that if you want to find out what’s holding you back, try looking in the cabinet under the sink or under the bed or on the top shelf of the closet in the spare room.
CLUTTER OVERWHELMS
YOU EMOTIONALLY AND
GETS MORE AND MORE
COBWEBBY.
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RULE 46
Remember to Touch Base
Before you can touch base, you have to know where base is. Base is home. Base is where you belong. Base is where you feel comfortable, secure, loved, restored, and trusted. Base is where you feel strong and in control. Base is anywhere you can kick your shoes off, metaphorically and physically, and rest your head safe in the knowledge you’ll be looked after.
We all lead increasingly busy, frenetic, and frantic lives. We all get caught up in the busyness of life to such an extent that we lose sight of where we thought we were going and what we thought we were going to do and what we were going to achieve. Base is going back to where you dreamed it all, planned it all out. Base is where you were before you got lost.
Base camp might well be rediscovering our roots—essential in an age when we all move around so much. Knowing who your family is, where you come from, what your real background is. It’s OK to have ambition and move on from our roots, but it’s also important to know who we are and where we came from. You can sometimes sense it in celebrities who have become incredibly famous or rich. Often they try to deny their past and pretend to be something else; in the process they come across as shallow and fake.
For you, base might be a place where you grew up, where you’re reminded of the feelings of growing up—the hopes and fears, the younger you. Or it might be a person who provides the base—a best friend from many years ago who can remind you of how you were before it all got so confusing.
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Of course, we might not all know where we came from, and we have to make allowances for that. You might be adopted, but you were raised somewhere. Whatever your circumstances, you will have something that makes you feel grounded if you look for it. It doesn’t have to be where you were born and raised. If you are really struggling, then it’s possible to create yourself a new base. Anywhere that makes you feel secure is fine.
We all need time with people or in places where we can be ourselves, where we don’t have to explain, justify, provide background or give a good impression. That’s the joy of touching base—being somewhere you are accepted without question and everything around you reminds you of what’s really important. Touching base is something that, when we do it, we wonder why on earth we left it so long.
BASE IS WHERE YOU WERE
BEFORE YOU GOT LOST.
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Draw the Lines Around Yourself
Personal boundaries are the imaginary lines you draw around yourself that no one should cross either physically—unless invited in—or emotionally. You are entitled to respect, privacy decency kindness, love, truth, and honor, to name but a few rights. If people cross the lines, blur the boundaries, you are entitled to stand up for yourself and say “No, I won’t put up with this.”
But you have to draw the lines first. You have to know what you will stand for and what you won’t. You have to set the boundaries in your own mind before you can expect others to respect them, stick to them.
The more secure you become with your boundaries, the less power other people will have to affect you. The more clearly defined your boundaries, the more you realize that other people’s stuff is more to do with them and less to do with you—you stop taking things so personally.
You are entitled to basic self-respect. You can’t expect others to respect you unless you respect yourself. You can’t respect yourself until you have formed a clear picture of who you are and what you are. And setting boundaries is part of this process. You have to feel important enough to set those lines. And once set, you have to be assertive enough to reinforce them.
Setting personal boundaries means you don’t have to be scared of other people anymore. You now have a clear idea of what you will put up with and what you won’t. Once someone crosses the line between appropriate and inappropriate
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behavior, it gets really easy to say, “No, I don’t want to be treated like this/spoken to like this.”
Probably the best way to start this is with your own family. Over the years, we get set in patterns of behavior. Say, for example, you might be used to going to visit your parents and coming away feeling bad because they put you down or made you feel inadequate. You can change things by saying to yourself, “I won’t put up with this anymore.” And then don’t put up with it. Speak your mind. Say you don’t like being criticized/told off7made to feel small; you are an adult now and are entitled to respect and encouragement. Setting personal boundaries enables us to resist pushy people, rude people, aggressive people, people who would take advantage of us, people who would use us unwisely and unwell. Successful people know their worth and don’t get messed around. Successful people are the ones who can recognize emotional blackmail, people playing games with them, people on the make, people who themselves are weak and needy, people who dump on others, people who need to make you look small to make themselves feel big. Once you’ve got those lines drawn around you, it gets a whole lot easier to stay behind them and be firm, resolute, strong, and assertive.
SETTING PERSONAL
BOUNARIES MEANS YOU
DON’T HAVE TO BE SCARED
OF OTHER PEOPLE
ANYMORE.
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Shop for Quality, Not Price
I have to admit my wife taught me this one, for which I am eternally in her debt. To me it seemed a natural thing to shop for price. Perhaps this is what men do. I would work out what I wanted and then go and buy the cheapest items I could and feel really pleased with myself for saving money. And then I was always dissatisfied with what I had. Stuff broke or didn’t work or wore out quickly or looked shoddy after a very short time. I was living in a mess—and a cheap one at that. What I needed to learn was the art of quality shopping.
Basically:
Accept only the very best—second best is not for you, ever.
If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it or wait and save until you can.
If you have to have it, buy the very best you can afford.
There, that’s pretty easy, isn’t it? Well, for me it wasn’t as easy as that.
It took me quite a long time to really get to grips with this one. It isn’t that I don’t—or didn’t then—admire quality or appreciate excellence; it was that I was impulsive. If I thought I needed something, I wanted it right then and there. And if I couldn’t afford the very best, I would settle for the cheapest. In fact, in a very English sort of way, I thought that “getting a bargain” was what it was all about. We don’t like to talk about money, and we don’t like to brag about how much something cost, too tacky by far—better to buy tacky in the first place. I think not.
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Going for quality doesn’t mean we’re stuck up or living beyond our means—if you can’t afford it, don’t buy it. Going for quality means you appreciate the finer things, can see the sense in buying well-made, well-produced things because they will:
Last longer
Be stronger
Not break so easily
And this means they will not need to be replaced so often, which means you might actually be saving money. They will also make you look and feel better.
Now that I’ve latched on to this Rule, I really enjoy that anticipation before I buy something. I make sure it really is the quality I am going for and not just the price. I still shop around for a bargain, though—it’s just now I look for the quality items but I’m prepared to find them at the lowest price.
IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT,
DON’T BUY IT.
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It’s OK to Worry, or to Know How Not To
The future is uncertain, scary, hidden. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t worry about things at times. We worry about our health, our parents/kids/friends, our relationships, our work, and our spending. We worry that we are getting older, fatter, poorer, more tired, less attractive, less fit, less mentally alert, less everything really. We worry about things that matter and things that don’t. Sometimes we worry about not worrying.
Look, it really is OK to worry—-just so long as there is something real to worry about. If there isn’t, then all you’re doing is putting wrinkles in your brow—and that makes you look older, you know.
The first step is to decide whether there is something you can do about whatever it is you are worrying about, or not. There are usually logical steps to take to eliminate that worry. I worry that people aren’t taking those steps, which means they are choosing to hang on to their worries rather than be free of them.
If you are worried then:
Get practical advice
Get up-to-date information
Do something, anything as long as it is constructive If you are worrying about your health, go and see a doctor. If you are worrying about money, set a budget and spend wisely. If you are worrying about your weight, go to the gym—eat less, do more. If you are worrying about a lost kitten, phone the vet/police/local animal rescue. If you are worrying about
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getting older, there is simply no point—it’s happening whether you worry or not.
If there is nothing you can do about your worry (or if you are a persistent worrier, even bordering on the neurotic), then distraction is the only answer. Get absorbed in something else. A man with the rather impressive name of Mikhail Csikszentmihalyi identified something called “flow,” where you are so absorbed in a task you are doing, so fully immersed, that you become almost unaware of external events.
It’s a pleasurable experience, and it completely banishes worry. He also said, “The quality of our lives improves immensely when there is at least one other person who is willing to listen to our troubles.”
Worrying may be a symptom that you don’t really want to do something about the problem. It might be easier just to carry on worrying—or looking concerned and appearing to worry— rather than doing something about it. It is OK to worry properly, profitably, usefully. It is not OK to worry pointlessly or needlessly. Or at least, it is OK, but it’s a colossal waste of life.
…..ALL YOU’RE DOING IS
PUTTING WRINKLES IN
YOUR BROW-AND THAT
MAKES YOU LOOK OLDER,
YOU KNOW.
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Stay Young
I did say earlier that if you were worrying about getting older, you should stop because there wasn’t anything you could do about it. It’s inevitable. So why a Rule saying Stay young? Well, growing older physically (and temporally) is something we all have to do, and putting it off by endless surgery and the like is pointless. Better to stay young.
And by this I mean mentally and emotionally. Billy Connolly made a wry observation in one of his shows when he bent down to pick something up and made a noise, a sort of bending grunt that oldies make. And he said he didn’t know when he had started to make that noise, but it had crept up on him and he made it now. That’s what I’m talking about—all those noises and actions we make to indicate we’re old. All that wrapping up well when we go out in case we catch a cold.
All that making sure we take our coat off when we come in, even if we’re going straight out again, or we won’t feel the benefit. All that,
“I’d rather just have a cup of coffee if it’s all right with you” stuff. All that “We’re going to the same place we always go on vacation— you know what you’re getting.”
I was reading yesterday about a man who had just taken his father backpacking in the Greek islands. His dad is aged 78 and he said he had trouble keeping up with him. Now that’s staying young. I know a woman in her sixties who describes how she feels the same inside now as she did when she was 21. And it shows outside. That’s staying young.
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going for the safe option; it’s staying abreast of what is happening, not giving up stuff like cycling because you think you’re too old for it. (If you are very young, by the way, I do apologize for all this, but you will need it one day, believe me.)
Staying young is trying out new tastes, new places to go, new styles, keeping an open mind, not getting reactionary (hmmm, I should read this again) or being disapproving of more and more things, not settling for what you’ve always had or always done. Staying young is about keeping a fresh vision of the world, being interested, being stimulated, being motivated, being adventurous.
Staying young is a state of mind.
STAYING YOUNG IS
TRYING OUT NEW TASTES,
NEW PLACES TO GO,
NEW STYLES.
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Throwing Money at a Problem
Doesn’t Always Work
Years ago when I worked in one particular industry, whenever something was going wrong, my boss would always sigh and suggest throwing money at the problem until it went away. At work this approach often works wonders, but problems in life tend to need a more hands-on approach, a more delicate touch. We tend to think that if we just chuck enough money at things they’ll get sorted out, instead of finding ways to really sort them out that require time and attention and care.
Let’s go back to that getting older thing again. You might think that throwing money at it in the shape of cosmetic surgery might be the answer but it isn’t; it only delays things and can create worse problems than it solves. How much better to work on one’s mental approach to aging and come to terms with it in a dignified and graceful way instead.
If somebody you care about seems distracted, tense, not themselves, then buying them a present might well cheer them up, but the better (and cheaper) option is to make time to take them out for a walk and ask them about themselves, give them the opportunity to talk.
We tend to think that if we spend more money on something, it will solve the problem. Maybe sometimes we need an old- fashioned approach of time and attention and finding out. Like our grandparents, who didn’t throw things away and get a new one when something had stopped working—they patiently sat down and tried to sort out what it was that had gone wrong and determine if there was a way to put it right again. That went for relationships as well as for watches or appliances.
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Throwing money at things makes us feel powerful and grownup when instead we might need to stand back and see if we couldn’t do better by changing the situation another way. I know I’m as guilty of this one as anybody. It happens to me most with cars. I buy a car—usually an expensive, temperamental, costly to fix model. Then when something goes wrong, as it invariably does, I pay the garage to tow it away and spend a fortune having it repaired. How much simpler my life would be if 1 could stand back and see that the car was unsuitable in the first place, basically a mistake. Throwing money at it now doesn’t alleviate the problem; it merely delays it, puts it off until the next time when it goes wrong again. And it will. Oh, believe me, it will; it always does.
THROWING MONEY AT
IT NOW DOESN’T
ALLEVIATE THE PROBLEM;
IT MERELY DELAYS IT.
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Think for Yourself
You’ll think this one’s so obvious you’ll be wondering what it’s doing in here, and I do apologize if it seems patronizing, simplistic, or downright rude. I don’t mean to offend or insult, and I do appreciate that you do think for yourself. I guess what I mean by this Rule is that we need to be incredibly clear about our opinions, grounded in our own sense of identity, and very assertive about being us so that we aren’t easily swayed by what other people think of us. It’s tougher than it looks at first glance. We are all vulnerable inside. We all have fears and concerns. We all want to be loved and accepted. We all want to blend in, be one of a crowd, be acknowledged. We all want to belong. The temptation is to say, “I’ll be whatever you want me to be.”
Being original or creative or different can make us think we stand out too much and will get shunned. But truly successful people aren’t shunned; they instead become pack leader because of their originality, their difference. If you are obnoxious or rude or hurtful, you will indeed be shunned. But if you are kind, thoughtful, caring, and respectful you will be loved and accepted. If you are also original in your thinking, you will be looked up to, respected, and admired.
To think for yourself, you have to be pretty sure of who you are and be clear in your thinking as well as doing it for yourself—there’s no point in thinking for yourself if it’s all muddled and woolly.
I have a friend who is very intelligent and astute, but all her opinions come from reading a particular national newspaper.
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Whatever line it takes on a particular issue is the same line she will come out with. She trusts her paper implicitly and is unable to see how predictable her views are—seeing as they are always based on what she has read. She will argue her case articulately, forcefully, and in a well reasoned way, but always absolutely in line with her paper’s views. We can all be a bit like that and need to change where we get our information from occasionally to make sure we stay fresh and original.
Of course, to think for yourself means you have to (a) have something to think about and (b) actually do the thinking. Look at a selection of people you know. If they are at one with their own life, I bet they are doing both. If they are badly adjusted and generally struggling, I bet they’re not doing either.
WE ALL WANT TO BLEND IN,
BE ONE OF A CROWD,
BE ACKNOWLEDGED.
WE ALL WANT TO BELONG.
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You Are Not in Charge
Sorry if this comes as a shock, but you’re not in charge, no matter how much you want to be, no matter how much you think you are, no matter how much you deserve to be. If you are not in charge, it doesn’t mean anybody else is either. We may all be on the same runaway train with no driver or there may indeed be a driver. (The driver may be insane, drunk, or asleep, but that’s another thing entirely.) Once you accept that you’re not in charge, you can let go of so much stuff it’s very liberating. Instead of complaining, “Why isn’t it like this?” you can accept it isn’t and let it go. Instead of metaphorically bashing your head against a metaphoric brick wall, you can walk away whistling with your hands in your pockets—you are, after all, not in charge and therefore not responsible.
Once you get your head around the wonderful concept that you are here to enjoy and not here to run things, then you are free to sit in the sunshine a bit more often, take time off.
Look, stuff happens. Good stuff and bad stuff. There may or there may not be a driver. You can blame the driver if you want. You can accept that if there isn’t a driver, the journey will sometimes be scary, sometimes exhilarating, sometimes boring, sometimes beautiful.
(Actually, whether there is or isn’t a driver, the same holds true.) We have to have both the good stuff and the bad stuff. That’s a fact. If you or I were in charge, we’d probably interfere too much and get rid of most of the bad stuff and the human race would die out ever so quickly due to stagnation, lack of challenge, lack of motivation, and lack of excitement. It is, after all, the bad stuff that 208 | P a g e Affinities of Life
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fires us up, makes us learn, and gives us a reason for living. If it was all good, it would be awfully fluffy and boring.
A slight condition to this one, though. You might not be running the show, but that doesn’t discharge you of all responsibilities. You still have obligations—you still need to be respectful of the world you live in and the people you live in it with—it’s just that you don’t have overall responsibility for the whole show and everything in it.
Seeing as you are not in charge, you can watch it like a movie and cheer at the exciting bits, cry at the sad bits, and hide during the scary moments. But you are not the director or even the projectionist. You are not even the usher.* You are the audience; enjoy the show.
ONCE YOU ACCEPT THAT
YOU’RE NOT IN CHARGE,
YOU CAN LET GO.
There’s probably a frightfully modern PC word for this job. Please don’t write in.
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Have Something in Your Life
That Takes You Out of Yourself
I have a friend who swears by her adopted greyhounds. No, I don’t mean she stands next to them and curses, although I’m sure she does from time to time. But what I mean is that no matter how miserable she is, no matter how hard she’s been working, no matter how annoying life has been, no matter how fed up, cross, or what sort of a bad hair day she’s had, when she gets home and gets that incredible greeting from her rescued dogs, it all then becomes worthwhile. The gloom is lifted, and she is instantly restored, calm, happy, and loved. It’s a bit sad, but there you go (only joking).
For me, it has to be my children and where I live. Although my kids drive me insane at times, there is still something incredibly magical about the way they view the world and how they grow. As for where I live, I only have to think about going home to feel lifted and invigorated.
For every one of us, there will be something different that does it, that pushes our button in a very positive way. And I find the wonderful thing about this Rule is that it invariably isn’t the things that cost money that have this power. The things that lift us are usually magical in some way—a particular view or person, a pet or a child, a favorite book or film that we turn to, to help us recharge. It might be a state of mind that we arrive at through some ritual such as going to a place of worship or meditating. It might be a certain piece of music that lightens our heart.
For some it will be reorganizing their stamp collection; for others it will be doing charity work or being a volunteer. (There’s nothing like doing something for others or for a greater good to take you out of yourself.) 210 | P a g e Affinities of Life
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Whatever it is, make sure you have it, know it and use it. What’s the good of a piece of music that always lifts your mood if you don’t play it occasionally?
1 guess we all need something in our life that takes us out of ourselves and perhaps stops us taking ourselves too seriously. Whether it’s a dog, a child, or a chat with a lonely person in a nursing home, there needs to be something that makes you realize that all the stuff that’s getting to you isn’t that important and reminds you of the simple pleasures in life.
WHAT'S THE GOOD OF A
PIECE OF MUSIC THAT
ALWAYS LIFTS YOUR MOOD
IF YOU DON’T PLAY IT
OCCASIONALLY?
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Only the Good Feel Guilty
Bad people don’t feel guilty. They are too busy being bad. Good people feel guilty because they are good and they feel they have done wrong, let somebody down, made a mistake, or screwed up somewhere. Good people have a conscience. Bad people don’t. If you do feel guilty, that’s a good sign. It shows you are on the right track. But you have to know how to deal with it, because guilt is a terribly selfish emotion. It is wasteful and pointless.
We have two choices: put it right or dump the guilt. Yes, we all make mistakes. We all screw up from time to time. We don’t always do “the right thing.” And if we’ve got a conscience, we will feel guilty sometimes. But guilt is utterly pointless unless it is acted on for the better. You would be better off feeling something else* if you aren’t going to act on your guilt.
If you hang around feeling guilty but don’t do anything about it, then it’s a waste of time and life.
The first thing to do is to assess whether you really need to feel guilty.
It could just be an overdeveloped conscience or sense of duty. If you are the kind of person always to volunteer, but just this once you say
“no,” then there is no need to feel guilty. You’ll know deep down if you’ve earned this one off. If you’ve a choice between doing something or not, then it’s simple: do it or don’t do it but without guilt. Make the
Self loathing, fear, panic—all good substitutes for guilt if you really must. But better just to let it go.
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choice with that in mind. Not doing it and feeling guilty is not an option.
If you do have cause to feel guilty, then if you can, put it right. That’s the simplest course of action. And what if you can’t put things right?
Then learn the lesson, make a resolution, dump the guilt, and move on.
If it keeps on gnawing away at you, you have to find a way to put it behind you.
IF YOU DO FEEL GUILTY,
THAT’S A GOOD SIGN.
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If You Can’t Say Anything Nice,
Don’t Say Anything at All
It is very easy to moan, to complain, to criticize. It is much harder to always find something nice to say about a situation or a person. But think of it now as a huge challenge. Saying something nice is hard because our natural inclination is to moan. If someone asks how the weekend camping went, it’s easier to start on the bad weather and the problems with the campsite and the annoying behavior of the people in the next- door trailer, than it is the joy of being with people you wanted to be with and in a fantastic setting. When a friend asks how you’re getting on with your boss, the things they do that really annoy you usually spring to mind before the upsides.
No matter how horrid someone is, there is always something about him that is good. Your job is to find that good bit and highlight it, speak about it, draw attention to it. Same with a situation that seems troublesome. I remember reading once of someone who was on the Metro in Paris during a major strike. It was chaos, and people were shoving and pushing. It was pretty horrendous. There was a woman with a small child there, and it could have been quite scary. She bent down to the child and said quite brightly, “This, my dear, is what they call an adventure.” It has become a pet phrase of mine in times of crisis and trouble.
When asked your opinion of someone, something, somewhere, you need to find something good to say, something flattering and positive.
There is ample evidence that being positive has many benefits, but the most noticeable is that people will gravitate toward you and not even know why. That positive air about you is attractive. People like being around those
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who are upbeat, positive, happy, and confident. We need to bite our tongue more and say good things more often.
Obviously, if you are only going to say good things, then this cuts out back-biting, gossiping, mouthing off, telling tales, being rude about people, and complaining (you are allowed to point out defects or problems but in a constructive way). And that could leave you with a big gap to fill.
Before opening your mouth, try—just for a week—to find something good to say. It’s one of those things that will amaze you by how it improves your life, but don’t take my word for it—just try it. And if all else fails, and you really can’t think of anything positive to say at all, then don’t say anything. At all.
THIS, MY DEAR,
IS WHAT THEY CALL
AN ADVENTURE.
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