me to a wall, and standing up made me do it.
"Next day we went away for the day together. I may say she was
_always_ ready and never satisfied. She was sensual rather than
sentimental. She was ready to shower her favors anywhere and to
anyone. My feelings toward her soon became affectionate and
sentimental, and then passionate. I thought of nothing else all
day long; wrote her long letters daily; simply lived to see her.
"I found she was engaged to be married. Her _fiancé_, a
schoolmaster, himself used to have intercourse with her, but he
had taken a religious turn and thought it was wicked to do it
until they married. I had intercourse with her on every possible
occasion: in private rooms at hotels, in railway carriages, in a
field, against a wall, and--when the holidays came--
she stayed a
night with me in London. She had apparently no fear of getting in
the family way, and never used any precaution.
Sensual as she
was, she did not show her feelings by outward demonstration.
"On one occasion she proposed _fellatio_. She said she had done
it to her _fiancé_ and liked it. This is the only case I have
known of a woman wishing to do it for the love of it.
"The emotional tension on my nerves--the continual jealousy I was
in, the knowledge that before long she would marry and we must
part--eventually caused me to get ill. She never told me she
loved me more than any other man; yet, owing to my importunity,
she saw much more of me than anyone else. It came to the ears of
her _fiancé_ that she was in my company a great deal; there was a
meeting of the three of us--convened at his wish--at which she
had formally, before him, to say 'good-bye' to me.
Yet we still
continued to meet and to have intercourse.
"Then the date of her marriage drew near. She wrote me saying that
she could not see me any more. I forced myself, however, on her,
and our relations still continued. Her elder sister interviewed
me and said she would inform the authorities unless I gave her
up; a brother, too, came to see me and made a row.
"I had what I seriously intended to be a last meeting with her.
But after that she came up to London to see me, we went to a
hotel together. We arranged to see one another again, but she did
not write. I had now left the university. I heard she was
married.
"It was now four years since I had first had intercourse with a
woman. During this time I was almost continually under the
influence, either of a definite love affair or of a general
lasciviousness and desire for intercourse with women. My
character and life were naturally affected by this.
My studies
were interfered with; I had become extravagant and had run into
debt. It is worthy of note that I had never up to this time
considered the desirability of marriage. This was perhaps chiefly
because I had no means to marry. But even in the midst of my
affairs I always retained sufficient sense to criticise the moral
and intellectual calibre of the women I loved, and I held strong
views on the advisability of mental and moral sympathies and
congenital tastes existing between people who married. In my
amours I had hitherto found no intellectual equality or
sympathies. My passion for D.C. was prompted by (1) the bond that
sexual intercourse with a woman has nearly always produced in my
feelings, (2) her physical beauty, (3) that she was sensual, (4)
that she was a lady, (5) that she was young, (6) that she was not
mercenary. It was kept alive by the obstacles in the way of my
seeing her enough and by her engagement to another.
"The D.C. affair left me worn out emotionally. I reviewed my life
of the last four years. It seemed to show much more heartache,
anxiety, and suffering than pleasure. I concluded that this
unsatisfactory result was inseparable from the pursuit of
illegitimate amours. I saw that my work had been interfered with,
and that I was in debt, owing to the same cause. Yet I felt that
I could never do without a woman. In this quandary I found myself
thinking that marriage was the only salvation for me. Then I
should always have a woman by me. I was sufficiently sensible to
know that unless there were congenial tastes and sympathies, a
marriage could not turn out happily, especially as my chief
interests in life (after woman) were literature, history, and
philosophy. But I imagined that if I could find a girl who would
satisfy the condition of being an intellectual companion to me,
all my troubles would be over; my sexual desire would be
satisfied, and I could devote myself to work.
"In this frame of mind I turned my thoughts more seriously in the
direction of a girl whom I had known for some two years. Her age
was nearly the same as mine. My family and hers were acquainted
with one another. I had established a platonic friendship with
her. Undoubtedly the prime attraction was that she was young and
pretty. But she was also a girl of considerable character.
Without being as well educated as I was, she was above the
average girl in general intelligence. She was fond of reading;
books formed our chief subject of conversation and common
interest. She was, in fact, a girl of more intelligence than I
had yet encountered. On her side, as I afterward discovered, the
interest in me was less purely platonic. Our relations toward one
another were absolutely correct. Yet we were intimate, informal,
and talked on subjects that would be considered forbidden topics
between two young persons by most people. I felt she was a true
friend. She, too, confided to me her troubles.
"We corresponded with one another frequently.
Sometimes it
occurred, to me that it was rather strange she should be so keen
to write to me, to hear from me, and to see me; but I had never
thought of her, consciously, except as a friend; I never for a
moment imagined she thought of me except as an interesting and
intelligent friend. Nor did the idea of illicit love ever suggest
itself to me. She was one of those women whose face and
expression put aside any such thought. I was, indeed, inclined to
regard her as a good influence on me, but as passionless. I
confided to her the affair of D.C., which took place during our
acquaintance. She was distressed, but sympathetic and not
prudish. I did not suspect the cause of her distress; I thought
it was owing to her disappointment in the ideals she had formed
of me. She invited me to join her and her family for a part of
the summer (I had now left the university, having obtained my
degree in low honors) and I decided to join them. At this stage
there began to impress itself on my mind the possibility that she
cared for me; also the desirability, if that were so, of becoming
engaged to her. I found my feelings became warmer.
On several
occasions we found ourselves alone. Then, one day, our talk
became more personal, more tender; and I kissed her.
I do
recollect distinctly the thought flashing through my mind, as she
allowed me to kiss her, that she was not after all the
passionless and 'straight' girl I had thought. But the idea must
have been a very temporary one; it did not return; she declared
her love for me; and without any express 'proposal'
on my part we
walked home that afternoon mutually taking it for granted that we
were engaged. I was happy, and calmly happy; proud and elated.
"Circumstances now made it necessary for me to make money for
myself and I was forced to enter a profession for which I had
never felt any attraction; indeed, I had never considered the
possibility of it, until I became engaged, and saw I must support
myself if I were ever to marry. I worked hard, and rapidly
improved my position.
"I think I am correct in stating that from the day I became
engaged my sexual troubles seemed to have ceased. My thoughts and
passions were centred on one woman. We wrote to one another
twice every week, and as far as I was concerned every thought and
feeling I had I told her, and the receipt of her letters was for
me the event of my life for nearly three years. My anxiety in
connection with my work used up a great deal of my energy, and,
although I looked forward to the time when I should have a woman
at my side every night, my sexual desires were in abeyance. Nor
did I feel any desire or temptation for other women.
"I masturbated, but not frequently. Generally I did it to the
accompaniment of images or scenes associated with my betrothed,
sometimes the act was purely auto-erotic. My leisure time was
devoted to reading.
"On only one occasion did I have intercourse with a woman during
my engagement (three years); it was with a girl whose
acquaintance I had made at the university and who asked me to
come to see her.
"I married at the age of 24. Looking back on the early days of my
married life it is now a matter of surprise to me that I was so
far from exhibiting the transports of passion which since then
have accompanied any intercourse with a new woman.
Partly I was
frightened of shocking her; partly my three years of comparative
abstinence had chastened me. It was some weeks before I ever saw
my wife entirely naked; I never touched her parts with my hand
for many months; and after the first few weeks I did not have
intercourse with her frequently.
"Perhaps this was to be expected. The basis of my affection for
her had always been a moral or mental one rather than physical,
although she was a handsome, well-made girl.
Besides, money and
other worries kept my thoughts busy, as well as struggles to make
both ends meet.
"Indeed, I may say my sexual nature seemed to be dying out. When
I had been married less than six months I discovered that sexual
intercourse with my wife no longer meant what sexual intercourse
used to mean--no excitement or exaltation or ecstasy. My wife
perhaps contributed to this by her attitude. She confessed
afterward to me that for the first week or so she positively
dreaded bedtime, so physically painful was intercourse to her;
that it was many weeks, if not months, before she experienced the
orgasm. For the first year and more of marriage she could not
endure touching my penis. This at first disappointed me; then
annoyed and finally almost disgusted me.
"Later on, she learned to experience the orgasm. But she was very
undemonstrative during the act, and it was seldom that the orgasm
occurred simultaneously; she took a much longer time.
"I ceased to think about sexual matters. When I had been married
about three years I was aware that, in my case, marriage meant
the loss of all mad ecstasy in the act. I knew that if I had no
work to do, and plenty of money, and temptation came my way, I
should like to have another woman. But there was no particular
woman to enchain my fancy and I did not have time or money or
inclination to hunt for one.
"At times I masturbated. Sometimes I did this to the accompaniment of homosexual desires or memories of the past. Then
I got my wife to masturbate me.
"About four years after marriage I got a woman from Piccadilly
Circus to do _fellatio_. I had never had this done before. She
did not do it genuinely, but used her fingers.
"As stated above various anxieties, the fact that I could always
satisfy my physical desires, all served to calm me.
I was also
interested in my work and had become ambitious to improve my
position and was very energetic.
"On the whole, notwithstanding money worries, the first four or
five years of my married life were the happiest in my life.
Certainly I was very free from sexual desires; and the general
effect of marriage was to make me economical, energetic,
ambitious, and unselfish. I was certainly overworked. I seldom
got to bed before 1 or 2; my meals were irregular; and I became
worried and nervous. At the beginning of my fifth year of married
life I got run down, and had a severe illness, and at one time my
life was in danger, but I had a fairly rapid convalescence.
"My illness was critical, in more senses than one.
My
convalescence was accompanied by a remarkable recrudescence of my
sexual feelings. I will trace this in detail: 1. As I got
well--but while still in bed--I found myself experiencing, almost
continually, violent erections. These were at first of an
auto-erotic character, and I masturbated myself, thus gaining
relief to my nerves. 2. I also found my thoughts tending toward
sexual images, and I felt a desire toward my nurse.
I first
became conscious of this when I noticed that I experienced an
erection during the time that she was washing me. I mentioned the
matter to my doctor, who told me not to worry, and said the
symptoms were usual in the circumstances. 3. When I got up and
about I found myself desiring very keenly to have intercourse
with my wife. I can almost say that I felt more sexually excited
than I had done for four or five years. As soon, however, as I
had had intercourse with my wife a few times I felt my desire
toward her cease. 4. My thoughts now centered on having a woman
to do _fellatio_, and as soon as I was well enough to go out I
got a prostitute to do this.
"Just before I was ill my wife had a child, which was born with
more than one abnormality. No doubt the shock and worry caused by
this got me into a low state and predisposed me to my illness.
But the consequences were farther reaching still.
The child
underwent an operation, and my wife had to take her away into the
country for nearly six weeks, so as to give her better air. I was
left alone in London, for the first time since my marriage. The
worry in connection with the child, and the heavy expense, served
to keep me nervously upset after I had apparently recovered
physically from the illness. Once more I found myself thinking
about women. As an additional factor in the situation I became
friendly with an old college-chum whom I had not seen much of for
many years. He lived the life of a fashionable young bachelor and
was at the time keeping a woman. The only common interest between
us was women. I found myself reverting to the old condition of
rampant lust that had been such a curse to me in my university
days. Some books he lent me had a decided effect.
They gave me
erections; and it was on top of the excitement thus engendered
that one day I got a woman to do _fellatio_, as already
mentioned. Moreover, since my illness, I found all my previous
energy and ambition had gone.
"I have stated that I was in London alone with two servants. The
housemaid was a young girl; nice looking, with beautiful eyes and
a sensual expression. She had been with us for about a year. I
cannot remember when I first thought of her in a sexual way. But
one evening I suddenly felt a desire for her. I talked to her; I
found my voice trembling; I let my hand, as if by accident, touch
hers; she did not withdraw it; and in a second I had kissed her.
She did not resist. I took her on my knee, and tried to take
liberties, which she resisted, and I desisted.
"Next day I kissed her again, and put my hand inside her breasts.
The same evening I took her to an exhibition. On the way home, in
a hansom cab, I made her masturbate me. This was followed by a
feeling of great relief, elation, and _pride_.
"Next morning, when she came up to my bedroom to call me, I
kissed and embraced her; she allowed me to take liberties, and,
reassuring her by saying I would use a preventive, I had
intercourse with her. She flinched somewhat. She then told me she
was at her period and that she had never had intercourse with a
man before.
"During the next few weeks I found her an adept pupil, though
always shy and undemonstrative. I took her to a hotel, and
experienced the intensest pleasure I had ever had in undressing
her. I had lately heard about _cunnilingus_. I now did it to her.
I soon found I experienced very great pleasure in this, as did
she. (I had attempted it with my wife, but found it disgusted
me.) I also had intercourse _per anum_. (This again was an act I
had heard about, but had never been able to regard as
pleasurable. But books I had been reading stated it was most
pleasant both to man and woman.) She resisted at first, finding
it hurt her much; it excited me greatly; and when I had done it
in this way several times she herself seemed to like it,
especially if I kept my hand on her clitoris at the same time.
"My relations with the housemaid, with whom I cannot pretend that
I was in love, were only put an end to by satiety, and when I
went away for my holidays I was utterly exhausted.
This was,
however, only the first of a series of relationships, at least
one of which deeply stirred my emotional nature.
These
experiences, however, it is unnecessary to detail.
There have
also been occasional homosexual episodes.
"I think I am now in a much healthier condition than I have been
for some years. (I assume that it is _not_ healthy for all one's
thoughts to be always occupied on sexual subjects.) The
conclusion I come to is that I can live a normal, healthy life,
devoting my thoughts to my work, and finding pleasure in
friendship, in my children, in reading, and in other sources of
amusement, as long as I can have occasional relations with a
young girl--i.e., about once a week. But if this outlet for my
sexual emotions is stopped sexual thoughts obsess my brain; I
become both useless and miserable.
"I have never regretted my marriage. Not only do I feel that life
without a wife and home and children would be miserable, but I
entertain feelings of great affection toward my wife. We are well
suited to one another; she is a woman of character and
intelligence; she looks after my home well, is a sensible and
devoted mother, and understands me. I have never met a woman I
would have sooner married. We have many tastes and likings in
common, and--what is not possible with most women--I can, as a
rule, speak to her about my feelings and find a listener who
understands.
"On the other hand, all passion and sentiment have died out. It
seems to me that this is inevitable. Perhaps it is a good thing
this should be so. If men and women remained in the state of
erotic excitement they are in when they marry, the business and
work of the world would go hang. Unfortunately, in my case this
very erotic excitement is the chief thing in life that appeals to
me!
"The factors that in my case have produced this death of passion
and sentiment are as follows:--
"1. Familiarity. When one is continually in the company of a
person all novelty dies out. In the case of husband and wife, the
husband sees his wife every day; at all times and seasons;
dressed, undressed; ill; good tempered, bad tempered. He sees her
wash and perform other functions; he sees her naked whenever he
likes; he can have intercourse with her whenever he feels
inclined. How can love (as I use the expression--
i.e., sexual
passion) continue?
"2. Satiety. I am of a 'hot,' sensual disposition, inclined to
excess, as far as my health and nerves are concerned. The
appetite gets jaded.
"3. Absence of strong sexual reciprocity on the part of my wife.
I have referred to this above. She likes intercourse, but she is
never outwardly demonstrative. She has naturally a chaste mind.
She never is guilty of those little indecencies which affect some
men a great deal. She does not like talking of these things; and
she tells me that if I died, she would never want to have
intercourse again with anyone. At times, especially recently, she
has even asked me to have intercourse with her, or to masturbate
her; but it is seldom that the orgasm occurs contemporaneously.
In this respect she is different from other women I knew, in whom
the mere fact that the orgasm was occurring in me at once
produced it in them. At the same time I doubt whether even strong
sexual reciprocity would have retained my passion for long.
"4. During the early years of our married life money worries
caused at times disagreements, reproaches and quarrels. Passion
and sentiment are fragile and cannot stand these things.
"5. The fact that I had already had other women diminished the
feeling of awe with which many regard the sexual act and the
violation of sexual conventions.
"6. Loss of beauty. Loss of figure is, I fear, inseparable from
childbearing especially if the woman works hard. We have always
had servants, still my wife has always worked hard, at sewing,
etc.
"I have stated that I entertain feelings of respect and
admiration for my wife. But I almost _loathe_ the idea of
intercourse with her. I would sooner masturbate, and think of
another woman than have intercourse with her. It causes nausea in
me to touch her private parts. Yet with other women it affords me
mad pleasure to kiss them, every part of their bodies. But my
wife still feels for me the love she had when we first married.
There lies the tragedy."
The following narrative is a continuation of History XII in the previous
volume:--
HISTORY III.--I had become good looking. For a time I knew what
it was to have loving looks from every woman I met, and being
saner and healthier I would seem to be moving in a divine
atmosphere of color and fragrance, pearly teeth and bright eyes.
Even the old women with daughters looked at me amiably--married
women with challenge and maidens with Paradise in their eyes.
"I was standing one morning at St. Peter's corner, with two young
friends, when a girl went by, coming over from the Roman Catholic
cathedral. When she had passed she looked back, with that
imperious swing that is almost a command, at me, as my friends
distinctly admitted. They advised me to follow her; I did so, and
she turned a pretty, blushing face and pair of dark gray eyes,
with just the kind of eyebrows I liked: brown, very level, rather
thick, but long. Her teeth and mouth were perfect, and she spoke
with a slight Irish brogue. She let me do all the talking while
she took my measure. God knows what she saw in me! I spoke in an
affected manner, I remember, imitating some swell c