have become a drunkard, had I not been casually--or I must say,
Providentially--directed to the common sense plan of measuring my
whisky in a dram glass; so that the alcohol could not steal a
march upon me.
"This period was one of acute mental suffering. One cause of the
nervous tension was--as I have now no doubt--the need of healthy
sexual intercourse. I proved this eventually. My circumstances,
which had long been adverse to marriage, at length were shaped in
that direction. I renewed acquaintance with a lady whom I had
known well some years before; and our friendship ripened until,
after much perplexity on my side, owing to the uncertainty of my
health and prospects, I decided that it was right to speak. We
were married after a few months; and I realized that I had gained
an excellent wife. We did not come together sexually for some
nights after marriage; but, having once tasted the pleasure of
the marriage bed, I have to admit that, partly owing to ignorance
of the hygiene of marriage, I was for some time rather
unrestrained in conjugal relations, requiring intercourse as
often as eight or nine times a month. This was not unnatural when
one considers that I had now for the first time free access to a
woman, after a long and weary struggle to preserve chastity.
Married life, however, tends naturally--or did so in my case--to
regulate desire; and when I began to understand the ethics and
hygiene of sex, as I did a year or two after marriage, I was
enabled to exercise increasing self-restraint. We are now sparing
in our enjoyment of conjugal pleasure. We have had no children;
and I attribute this chiefly to the remaining sexual weakness in
myself.[220] But I may say that not only my sexual power, but my
nerve-power and general health, were greatly improved by
marriage; and though I have fallen back, the last year or two,
into a poor state of health, the cause of this is probably
overwork rather than anything to do with sex. Not but what it
must be said that, had it not been for the juvenile masturbation
superadded to a neuropathic temperament, my constitution would no
doubt have endured the general strain of life better than it has
done. The algolagnia, being one of the congenital conditions of
my sexual instinct, must be considered fundamental, and certainly
has not been eliminated. If I were to allow myself indulgence in
algolagnic reveries they would even now excite me without
difficulty; but I have systematically discouraged them, so that
they give me little or no practical trouble. My erotic dreams,
which years ago were (to the best of my remembrance) frequently
algolagnic, are now almost invariably normal.
"My conjugal relations have always been on the lines of strictly
normal sexuality. I have a deep sense of the obligations of
monogamous marriage, besides a sincere affection for my wife;
consequently I repress as far as possible all sexual inclinations, such as will come involuntarily sometimes, toward
other women.
"From what I have disclosed, it will be seen that I am but a
frail man; but for many years I have striven honestly and hard to
discipline sexuality within myself, and to regulate it according
to right reason, pure hygiene, and the moral law; and I can but
hope and believe that the Divine Power in which I have endeavored
to trust will in the future, as it has done in the past, working
by natural methods and through the current events of my life,
amend and control my sex life and conduct it to safe and
honorable issues."
HISTORY II.--A.B., married, good general health, dark hair, fair
complexion, short-sighted, and below medium height.
Parents both
belong to healthy families, but the mother suffered from nerves
during early years of married life, and the father, a very
energetic and ambitious man, was cold, passionless, and
unscrupulous. A.B. is the oldest child; two of the brothers and
sisters are slightly abnormal, nervously. But, so far as is
known, none of the family has ever been sexually abnormal.
A.B. was a bright, intelligent child, though inclined to be
melancholy (and in later years prone to self-analysis). At
preparatory school was fairly forward in studies, at public
school somewhat backward, at University suddenly took a liking to
intellectual pursuits. Throughout he was slack at games. Has
never been able to learn to swim from nervousness.
Can whistle
well. Has always been fond of reading, and would like to have
been an author by profession. He married at 24, and has had two
children, both of whom showed congenital physical abnormalities.
Before the age of 7 or 8 A.B. can remember various trifling
incidents. "One of the games I used to play with my sister," he
writes, "consisted in pretending we were 'father and mother' and
were relieving ourselves at the w.c. We would squat down in
various parts of the room, prolong the simulated act, and talk. I
do not remember what our conversation was about, nor whether I
had an erection. I used also to make water from a balcony into
the garden, and in other unusual places.
"The first occasion on which I can recollect experiencing
sensations or emotions similar in character to later and more
developed feelings of desire was at the age of about 7 or 8, when
I was a dayboy at a large school in a country town and absolutely
innocent as to deed, thought, or knowledge. I fell in love with a
boy with whom I was brought in contact in my class, about my own
age. I remember thinking him pretty. He paid me no attention. I
had no distinct desire, except a wish to be near him, to touch
him, and to kiss him. I blushed if I suddenly saw him, and
thought of him when absent and speculated on my chances of seeing
him again. I was put into a state of high ecstasy when he invited
me to join him and some friends one summer evening in a game of
rounders.
"At the age of 8 I was told by my father's groom where babies
came from and how they were produced. (I already knew the
difference in sexual organs, as my sister and I were bathed in
the same room.) He told me no details about erection, semen, etc.
Nor did he take any liberties with me. I used to notice him
urinating; he used to push back the foreskin and I thought his
penis large.
"When about 8 years old the nursemaid told me that the boy at her
last place had intercourse with his sister. I thought it
disgusting. About a year later I told the nurse I thought the
story of Adam and Eve was not true and that when Eve gave Adam
the apple he had intercourse with her and she was punished by
having children. I don't know if I had thought this out, or if it
had been suggested to me by others. This nurse used often to talk
about my 'tassel.'
"A family of several brothers went to the same school with me,
and we used to indulge in dirty stories, chiefly, however, of the
w.c. type rather than sexual.
"When I was about 10 I learned much from my father's coachman. He
used to talk about the girls he had had intercourse with, and how
he would have liked this with my nursemaid.
"A year later I went to a large day school. I think most of the
boys, if not nearly all, were very ignorant and innocent in
sexual matters. The only incident in this connection I can
recollect is asking a boy to let me see his penis; he did so.
"During the summer holidays, at a watering place I attended a
theatrical performance and fell in love with a girl of about 12
who acted a part. I bought a photograph of her, which I kept and
kissed for several years after. About the same time I thought
rather tenderly of a girl of my own age whose parents knew mine.
I remember feeling that I should like to kiss her.
Once I
furtively touched her hair.
"When I was 12 I was sent to a small preparatory boarding
school, in the country. During the holidays I used to talk about
sexual things with my father's footman. He must have told me a
good deal. I used to have erections. One evening, when I was in
bed and everyone else out (my mother and the children in the
country) he came up to my room and tried to put his hand on my
penis. I had been thinking of sexual matters and had an erection.
I resisted, but he persisted, and when he succeeded in touching
me I gave in. He then proceeded to masturbate me. I sank back,
overcome by the pleasant sensation. He then stopped and I went on
myself. In the meantime he had taken out his penis and
masturbated himself before me until the orgasm occurred. I was
disgusted at the sight of his large organ and the semen. He then
left me. I could hardly sleep from excitement. I felt I had been
initiated into a great and delightful mystery.
"I at once fell into the habit of masturbation. It was some
months before I could produce the orgasm; at about 13 a slight
froth came; at about 14 a little semen. I do not know how
frequently I did it--perhaps once or twice a week. I used to feel
ashamed of myself afterward. I told the man I was doing it and he
expressed surprise I had not known about it before he told me. He
warned me to stop doing it or it would injure my health. I
pretended later that I had stopped doing it.
"I practiced solitary masturbation for some months.
At first the
semen was small in amount and watery.
"I had not at this time ever succeeded in drawing the foreskin
below the 'corona.' After masturbation I would sometimes feel
local pain in the penis, sometimes pains in the testicles, and
generally a feeling of shame, but not, I think, any lassitude.
The shame was a vague sense of discomfort at having done what I
knew others would regard as dirty. I also experienced fears that
I was injuring my health.
"It was not long before I found other boys at the preparatory
school with whom I talked of sexual things and in some cases
proceeded to acts. The boys were between the ages of 9 and 14;
they left at 14 or 15 for the public schools. We slept in
bedrooms--several in one room.
"There was no general conversation on sexual matters. Few of the
boys knew anything about things--perhaps 7 or 8 out of 40. Before
describing my experiences at the school I may mention that I
cannot remember having at this period any wish to experience
heterosexual intercourse; I knew as yet nothing of homosexual
practices; and I did not have, except in one case, any love or
affection for any of the boys.
"One night, in my bedroom--there were about six of us--we were
talking till rather late. My recollection commences with being
aware that all the boys were asleep except myself and one other,
P. (the son of a clergyman), who was in a bed at exactly the
opposite end of the room. I suppose we must have been talking
about this sort of thing, for I vividly remember having an
erection, and suddenly--as if by premonition--
getting out of my
bed, and, with heart beating, going softly over to P.'s bed. He
exhibited no surprise at my presence; a few whispered words took
place; I placed my hand on his penis, and found he had an
erection. I started masturbating him, but he said he had just
finished. I then suggested, getting into bed with him. (I had
never heard at that time of such a thing being done, the idea
arose spontaneously.) He said it was not safe, and placed his
hand on my penis, I think with the object of satisfying and
getting rid of me. He masturbated me till the orgasm occurred.
"I had no further relations with him, except on one occasion,
shortly afterward, when one day, in the w.c. he asked me to
masturbate him. I did so. He did not offer to do the same to me.
"He was a delicate, feeble boy; not good at work; womanish in his
ways; inclined to go in for petty bullying, until a boy showed
fight, when he discovered himself to be an arrant coward. Four or
five years later I met him at the university. His greeting was
cool. My next affair was with a boy who was about my age (13),
strong, full-blooded, coarse, always in 'hot water.'
He was the
son of the headmaster of one of the best-known public schools. It
was reported that two brothers had been expelled from this public
school for what we called 'beastliness.' He told me his older
brother used to have intercrural intercourse with him. This was
the first I had heard of this. We used to masturbate mutually. I
had, however, no affection or desire for him.
"With E., another boy, I had no relations, but I remember him as
the first person of the same sex for whom I experienced love. He
was a small, fair, thin, and little boy, some two years younger
than myself, so my inferior in the social hierarchy of a school.
"At the end of my last term I had two disappointments. I was
beaten by a younger and clever boy for the first place in the
school, and also beaten by one point in the competition for the
Athletic Cup by a stronger boy who had only come to the school
that very term. However, as a consolation prize, and as I was
leaving, the headmaster gave me a second prize. This soothed my
hurt feelings, and I remember, just after the 'head'
had read out
the prizes, on the last day of term, E., coming up to me, putting
his arm on my shoulder, looking at me rather pensively, and in a
voice that thrilled me and made me wish to kiss and hug him, tell
me he was so glad I had got a prize and that it was a shame that
other chap had beaten me for the cup.
"I was three years (aged 12 to 15) at the preparatory school. I
started in the bottom form and ended second in the school. My
reports were generally good, and I was keen to do well in work. I
was considerably influenced by the 'head.' He was a clergyman,
but a man of wide reading, broad opinion, great scholarship, and
great enthusiasm. We became very friendly.
"During the holidays I now first practiced intercrural
intercourse with a younger brother. I started touching his penis,
and causing erections, when he was about 5.
Afterward I got him
to masturbate me and I masturbated him; I used to get him into
bed with me. On one occasion I spontaneously (never having heard
of such a thing) made him take my penis in his mouth.
"This went on for several years. When I was about 16
and he about
10, the old family nurse spoke to me about it. She told me he had
complained of my doing it. I was in great fear that my parents
might hear of it. I went to him; told him I was sorry, but I had
not understood he disliked it, but that I would not do it again.
"About a year later (having persisted in this promise) I made
overtures to him, but he refused. I then commended his conduct,
and said I knew he was quite right, and begged him to refuse
again if I should ever suggest it. I did not ever suggest it
again. For many years I bitterly reproached myself for having
corrupted him. However, I do not think any harm has been done
him. But my self-reproaches have caused me to feel I owe some
reparation to him. I also have more affection for him than for my
other brothers and sisters.
"At the age of 15 I went to one of the large public schools. I
was fairly forward for my age, and entered high. But I made small
progress. I had bad reports; I was 'slack in games,'
and not
popular among the boys. In fact, I stood still, so that when I
left I was backward in comparison with other boys of even less
natural intelligence.
"The teaching was certainly bad. Moreover, I had not any friends,
and this made me very sensitive. It was to a great extent my
fault. When I first went there I was taken up by a set above
me--boys who were 'senior' to me in standing. When they left I
found myself alone.
"My unpopularity was increased by my being considered to put on
'side'; also because I paid attention to my dress.
"At the public school I had homosexual relations with various
boys, usually without any passion. With one boy, however, I was
deeply in love for over a year; I thought of him, dreamed of him,
would have been content only to kiss him. But my courtship met
with no success.
"When carrying on with other boys the desire to reach the crisis
was not always strong, perhaps out of shyness or modesty.
Occasionally I had intercrural connection, which gave me the
first intimation of what intercourse with a woman was like. When
I masturbated in solitude I used to continue till the orgasm.
"My housemaster one day sent for me and said he had walked
through my cubicle and noticed a stain on the sheet.
At this time
I used to have nocturnal emissions. I cannot remember whether on
this occasion the stain was due to one, or to masturbation. But I
imagined that one did not have 'wet dreams' unless one
masturbated. So when he went on to say that this was a proof that
I was immoral I acknowledged I masturbated. He then told me I
would injure my health--possibly 'weaken my heart,'
or 'send
myself mad'; he said that he would ask me to promise never to do
it again.
"I promised. I left humiliated and ashamed of myself; also
generally frightened. He used to send for me every now and then,
and ask me if I had kept my promise. For some months I did. Then
I relapsed, and told him when he asked me.
Ultimately he ceased
sending for me--apparently convinced either that I was cured or
that I was incorrigible.
"A year or so afterward he discovered in my study (for I was now
in the upper school and had a study) a French photograph that a
boy had given me, entitled '_Qui est dans ma chambre?_' It
represented a man going by mistake into the wrong bedroom; inside
the room was a woman, in nightdress, in an attitude that
suggested she had just been relieving herself. My housemaster
told me the picture was terribly indecent, and that, taken with
what he knew of my habits, it showed I was not a safe boy to be
in the school. He added that he did not wish to make trouble at
home, but that he advised me to get my parents to remove me at
the end of that term, instead of the following term, when, in the
ordinary course of things, I should have left.
"I wrote to my people to say I was miserable at school, and I was
removed at the end of that term.
"My first case of true heterosexual passion was with a girl
called D., whom I first knew when she was about 16.
My family and
hers were friendly. My attraction to her soon became a matter of
common knowledge and joking to members of my family.
She was a
dark, passionate-looking child, with large eyes that--to
me--seemed full of an inner knowledge of sexual mysteries.
Precocious, vain, jealous, untruthful--those were qualities in
her that I myself soon recognized. But the very fact that she was
not conventionally 'goody-goody' proved an attraction to me.
"I never openly made love to her, but I delighted to be near her.
Our ages were sufficiently separated for this to be noticeable. I
dreamed of her, and my highest ideal of blessedness was to kiss
her and tell her I loved her. I heard that she had been
discovered talking indecently in a w.c. to some little boys, sons
of a friend of my family's. The knowledge of this precocity on
her part intensified my fascination for her.
"When I left home to return to school I kissed her--
the only
time. Absence did nothing to diminish my affection.
I thought of
her all day long, at work or at play. I wrote her a letter--not
openly passionate, but my real feelings toward her must have been
apparent. I found out afterward that her mother opened the
letter.
"When I returned home for the holidays her mother asked me not;
to write her any letters and not to pay attentions to her, as I
might 'spoil her.' I promised. I was, of course, greatly
distressed.
"D. used to come to our house to see my younger sister. She had
clearly been warned by her mother not to allow me to speak to
her. I was too nervous to make any advances; besides, I had
promised. As I grew older, my passion died out. I have hardly
ever seen her since. She married some years ago. I still retain
sentimental feelings toward her.
"I was now 18; I had stopped growing and was fairly broad and
healthy. Intellectually I was rather precocious, though not
ambitious. But I was no good at games, had no tastes for physical
exercises, and no hobbies.
"During the holidays, in my last year at school, I had gone to
the Royal Aquarium with a school companion. This was followed by
one or two visits to the Empire Theatre. It was then that I first
discovered that sexual intercourse took place outside the limits
of married life. On one occasion my friend talked to one of the
women who were walking about. This same friend spoke to a
prostitute at Oxford. (At this time I went up to the university.)
Once or twice I met this girl. She used to ask about my friend.
My feelings toward her were a combination of admiration for her
physical beauty, a sense of the 'mystery' of her life, and pity
for her isolated position.
"On the whole, my first university term produced considerable
improvement in me. I began to be interested in my work and to
read a fair amount of general literature. I learned to bicycle
and to row. I also made one intimate friend.
"In my first holiday I went to the Empire and made the
acquaintance of a girl there, W.H. She attracted me by her quiet
appearance. I eventually made arrangements to pay her a visit. My
apprehensions consisted of: 1. Fear of catching venereal disease.
This I decided to safeguard by using a 'French letter.' 2. Fear
that she might have a 'bully.'
"The girl showed no sexual desire; but at that time this did not
attract my attention.
"I got very much 'gone' on her, paid her several visits, gave her
some presents I could ill afford, and felt very distressed when
she informed me she was to be married and therefore could not see
me any more.
"My experiences with prostitutes cover a period of twelve years.
During three years of this period I was continually in their
company. I have had intercourse with some two dozen; in some
cases only once; in others on numerous occasions.
They have
usually been of the class that frequent Piccadilly, St. James