For half an hour I was in Paradise, and to complete my joy Nature
revealed to me a new and unexpected secret.
I was lying on a bench, basking, and my silk shirt coming open
the strong sun made its way to my breast and presently I felt a
totally new sensation there. I had discovered the last joy of the
skin. My skin, fed by healthy fruit-made blood, must have
functioned normally under the excitation of the sun just then
(for a brief space only, alas!). I cannot describe the joy, any
more than I could describe the taste of a peach to one who has
only eaten apples: it was satisfying, divine. I opened my shirt
wider, but the feeling only spread faintly, and indeed this
halcyon sunny hour terminated in a restlessness that sent me
walking into town to look for A.
At last I heard, not of A., but of Miss T. She was in a ballet. I
went round during rehearsal and while waiting entered into
conversation with a little chorus girl with a good face, who was
sewing. On my telling her whom I was seeking she stopped sewing
and looked at me quickly: "Oh, are you her husband?
I know her.
_I have seen them together_." She looked as if she were going to
tell me something, but merely shook her old-fashioned head in a
mournful, indescribable way, saying "Why don't you keep your wife
with you?" I went to the door and presently saw Miss T. She tried
to avoid me, I thought, and looked more vicious than ever, but
after a minute's thought reluctantly told me where she and A.
were staying. To hide my fears and suspicions I had assumed a
careless demeanor, but I think I should have strangled her had
she refused to tell me. I hastily went to the place indicated and
going up the stairs (to the astonishment of the people) opened
the door and found myself face to face with A.--but how changed!
She had the hard, harlot, loveless look I detested.
I felt for a
few minutes that I did not love her, and she regarded me coldly
too, but presently old habits reinstated themselves.
She put out
her hands, very pitiably, and then was sobbing in my arms. I
could get nothing out of her but sobs, and to this day do not
know where she spent all these weeks nor why she did not write.
Miss T. came in after rehearsal, pale and hard-faced. I greeted
her politely, but was watching her, trying to puzzle out why A.
did not look as she usually did after long absence from coition.
Miss T. took another room in the same house and was soon joined
by another ballet girl, young and very pretty, who soon began to
have fits. A. was always crying until Miss T. went away with her
pretty friend. I knew nothing, could hardly be said to suspect
anything definite, and yet I pitied that pretty girl whose eyes
looked so helpless and appealing.
I set to work again. But I continued to live on fruit and bread,
and taking off my clothes I would stand up at the window in the
sun. A lot of prostitutes, however, who lived at the back saw me
and were scandalized or shocked or thought me mad.
The landlady
heard of it and spoke to A. So I had to desist from my glorious
sun-baths.
We slept on a single bed, and though I did my best to avoid
coitus (I wanted to wait and think out some theory of it), A.,
who knew nothing of this, wanted to resume our old habits, and
finally I surrendered. But my sufferings next day were intense,
and I had the sense of having fallen from some high estate. My
thoughts were divided between two theories: one that our misery
was caused by our diet, more or less; the other that we had
fallen into some error as regards coitus, and this was becoming
almost a certainty with me.
There is one incident I think worthy of note which happened
before the "fall" just mentioned and when I was living on fruit
and in splendid health. At a performance I saw a girl on the
stage with handsome legs in tights, and once as she straightened
her leg the knee-cap going into position gave me such a strange
and keen joy--of that quality I call divine or musical--that I
was like one suddenly awakened to the divinity and beauty of the
female form. The joy was so keen and yet peaceful, familiar, and
subjective that I could not help comparing it to a happy chemical
change in the tissues of my own brain. Like the unexpected
functioning of my skin in the sun it was a sign of a partial
return to a normal condition, another glimpse of Paradise.
I stuck to my new diet and gained a fresh elation and joy in
life. Gradually clothes became insupportable, and I went down to
the beach as often as possible to take them off, and at nights,
beside the patient and astonished A., I would lie naked. One
evening, passing some grass, I looked over the fence like a gipsy
and felt a longing to take off my clothes and sleep in the grass
all night. It was of course impossible. And A.
looked unhappily
in my face; she began to think her mother, who now thought I was
mad, must be right.
That night I woke up and found myself having coition. I was angry
and felt I had been put back in my progress, but a fever of lust
now came over me. I would sit under the tap and let the cold
water run over me to conquer the fever, but at the end of a week
my hopes were frustrated and I even turned against my natural
diet, on which I had made flesh. A., as I expected, went through
her usual fits, and slowly recovered. (If we had connection only
once she in about three weeks had a mild attack of fits; if we
had coition more than once the fits were more severe.) I relapsed
more than once and as a means of impressing my resolution for
future abstinence I would walk for miles in the middle of
pitch-black nights....
Miss T. came over to Adelaide and as I knew nothing definite
against her and heard that she was engaged, I thought perhaps my
suspicions were unfounded and was friendly. But one day in town I
saw her and A. on a tram going out to our cottage.
Even then my
suspicions might not have been awakened, but I saw Miss T. say
something rapidly to A., and A. called out to me,
"Will you be
coming home soon?" And I answered "No." When the tram had gone on
I found myself vaguely wondering what Miss T. wanted to know that
for, for my perceptions were becoming acute enough to understand
women's ways. In another minute I was walking rapidly home. When
I came to the door it was locked. I knocked and knocked and no
one came. I called out and threatened to kick in the door. Still
no one came. Mad with rage I commenced to put my threat into
execution, when the door was opened by Miss T., half-naked, in
her petticoats, and pale as death, but no longer defiant. "So
I've caught you, have I?" I _looked_, but could not trust myself
to speak. Wondering why A. did not appear I went into the
bedroom. She was lying on the bed, just as Miss T.
had left her,
on the verge of a fit, and on seeing me she held out her hands
piteously, and when I stooped over her she whispered, "Send her
away, send her away." Then she became unconscious and going into
the next room I ordered Miss T. (who had managed to scramble on
her dress) out of the house. I spoke scornfully as if addressing
a dog, and she slinked out with a malignant but cowed look I hope
never to see on a woman's face again. What they had been doing
with their clothes off I do not know; women will rather die than
confess. When A. had recovered from her fit she denied that there
had been anything between them, and stuck to it doggedly, but
with such a forlorn look I had not the heart to prosecute my
inquiries.
For my part, all the efforts I had been making for so long seemed
for a time to be in vain; for some weeks I sank into a sort of
satyriasis, and even my anger against Miss T. turned to a
prurient curiosity. At the same time I was not always able to
adhere to my diet. But both as regards coition and diet I was
still fighting, and on the whole successfully. My fits of temper,
however, were excessive and my ennui became gloomy despair. One
day I blasphemed on crossing the Park and spoke contemptuously of
"God and his twopenny ha'penny revolving balls,"
referring to the
planetary system. But for long walks I should have gone mad. A.
was drinking in the intervals of her fits. I found half-empty
bottles of wine hidden away. This did not improve my temper, and
one day--this was when she was well and up--I struck her a heavy
blow on the face, and she aimed a glass decanter at me. She went
home to her mother and I lived alone in the cottage.
I heard soon
afterwards that her husband had come back and that they had made
it up. Our parting was not, however, destined to be final.
Even out of that month's sufferings I made capital.
I was better
after my tendency to lubricity, my gloom, rage, restlessness and
degradation. They had been but the irritations of convalescence.
INDEX OF AUTHORS.
Abrantès, duchesse d'
Adler
Albucasis
Alexander, H.C.B.
Amatus Lusitanus
Ammon
Andersen
Andriezen
Aquinas
Aristophanes
Aristotle
Averroes
Avicenna
Aubrey
Aulnoy, Madame d'
Baer
Ball
Ballantyne, J.W.
Bancroft, H.H.
Barker, Fordyce
Barnes, R.
Bartholin
Bayle
Beale, G.B.
Bechterew
Beck, J.R.
Becker
Bell, Sir C.
Bell, Sanford
Belletrud
Beneden
Bergh
Bianchi
Biérent
Binet
Bischoff, T.L.W.
Bloch, J.
Blondel
Blumenbach
Blunt, J.J.
Boas
Boccaccio
Boeteau
Bois, J.
Bois-Reymond, E. du
Bölsche
Booth, D.S.
Booth, J.
Bouchereau
Bouchet
Bourke, J.G.
Boveri
Brand
Braun
Brantôme
Brehm
Breitenstein
Brénier de Montmorand
Brénot
Brouardel
Brown-Séquard
Brügelmann
Buckman, S.S.
Bucknill
Bunge
Burchard
Burdach
Burton, Robert
Buschan
Busdraghi
Cabanis
Campbell, J.F.
Campbell, H.
Carpenter, E.
Casanova
Cascella
Castelnau
Catullus
Cecca
Celsus
Chapman, C.W.
Charcot
Chaucer
Chaulant
Chevalier
Chidley, W.
Cladel, J.
Clement, of Alexandria
Coe
Coen
Collineau
Colman, W.S.
Columbus, R.
Cook, G.W.
Crawley
Cumston
Cuvier
Cyples
Dabney
Darwin, C.
Darwin, E.
Daumas
Dearborn, G.
Dembo
Deniker
Dessoir, Max
Dickinson, R.L.
Diderot
Disselhorst
Donaldson, H.H.
Douglas, C.
Drähms
Dühren, E.
Dufougère
Dufour
Dulaure
Duncan, Matthews
East, A.
Edgar, Clifton
Ellis, Havelock
Engelmann
Erotion
Esbach
Eschricht
Espinas
Eulenburg
Evans
Ezekiel
Fabricius
Fallopius
Féré
Fichstedt
Flood, E.
Florence
Fothergill, Milner
Frazer, J.G.
Freud
Freyer
Froriep
Fuchs
Fürbringer
Galen
Gardiner, C.F.
Garnier
Gautier, A.
Gautier, T.
Gellhoen
Gerhard, A.
Giles, A.
Godin
Goethe
Goncourt, E. de
Gopcevic
Goron
Gould
Gow
Graaf, de
Griffiths
Groos, K.
Gualino
Guéniot
Guibaut
Guillereau
Guinard
Guttceit
Hack
Haddon
Haig
Hall, G. Stanley
Haller
Hamilton, A.
Hammond
Hardy, Thomas
Hartland, E.S.
Harvey
Hegar
Henderson, J.
Henle
Hennig
Herman
Herodotus
Herrick
Heusinger
Hewitt, Graily
Hippocrates
Hirst
Hislop, J.T.
Hoche
Horrocks
Howard, W.L.
Howell
Howitt, A.W.
Hrdlicka
Hughes, C.H.
Hunter, John
Hunter, William
Huysmans
Hyades
Hyrtl
Jacobi
Jacoby, P.
Jahn
Janet
Janke
Jastreboff
Jenkyns, J.
Johnston, G.A.
Johnston, Sir H.H.
Jonson, Ben
Juvenal
Kaltenbach
Kelly, H.
Kepler
Kiernan, J.G.
Kisch
Kleinpaul
Kobelt
Kocher
Kohlbrugge
Kolbein
Krafft-Ebing
Krauss
Lamb, D.S.
Landes, L. de
Lane
Lasègue
Laurent, E.
Lawrence, Sir W.
Laycock
Levi
Licetus
Liébault
Liétaud
Lipps
Litzmann
Lombroso
Lorion
Lortet
Lucas, J.C.
Lucretius
Lunier
Luschka
Lusini
Lydston
Macdonald, A.
MacGillicuddy
McKay, A.
Mackay, W.J.S.
Mackenzie, J.
Magnan
Malebranche
Mantegazza
Marandon de Montyel
Marc
Marro
Marshall, H.R.
Martial
Martin, J.M.H.
Martineau
Maschka
Masterman
Matignon
Mattel
McMordie
Mercier
Meredith, Ellis
Middleton, T.
Mirabeau
Mitchell, Sir A.
Moll
Mongeri
Morache
Moraglia
Morris, R.T.
Morselli
Motet
Moulin, J. Mansell
Müller, J.
Mundé, P.
Näcke
Neale, R.
Neri
Nicholson, H.O.
Nina Rodrigues
Obici
Onanoff
Ottolenghi
Ovid
Pacheco
Palfyn
Park, Mungo
Papillault
Pasini
Paterson, A.R.
Paulini
Paulus Æginetus
Pearse, W.H.
Pearson, Karl
Pechuel-Loesche
Pelanda
Pennant
Penta
Pfaff
Pierer
Pillon
Pinæus
Pinard
Pitre, C.
Pitres
Pittard
Plant
Plautus
Pliny
Ploss
Poehl
Polemon
Pollux
Porta, Della
Power
Pyle
Raymond
Régis
Régnier, H. de
Reinach, S.
Renooz, Céline
Restif de la Bretonne
Retterer, E.
Reynolds, A.R.
Rhys, J.
Ribot
Riedel
Rimbaud
Riolan
Robinson, Bryan
Robinson, Louis
Rodin
Roederer
Roons, R.P.
Rosse, Irving
Roth, W.
Rothe
Roubaud
Rousseau
Routh, C.H.F.
Rufus
Russell, W.
Sade, de
Salmon, W.
Scherzer
Schinz
Schmiedeberg
Schreiner
Schrenck-Notzing
Schurig
Scott, Colin
Scripture, E.W.
Seerley
Seligmann
Sellheim
Shakespeare
Shattock
Shufeldt
Silk, J.F.W.
Simon, H.
Simpson, Sir J.
Sims, Marion
Smith, Sir A.
Smith, Haywood
Sömmering
Soranus
Spigelius
Stahl, F.A.
Stanton
Stendhal
Stengel
Stern, B.
Stevens, Vaughan
Stieda
Stratz
Stubbs
Suidas
Sukhanoff
Sullivan, W.C.
Sutherland, W.D.
Sutton, Bland
Swift
Tarde
Tardieu
Tarnier
Taxil
Theocritus
Thoinot
Thompson, W.L.
Thomson, J.
Tilt
Toff
Tourdes, G.
Tridandani
Trochon
Vahness
Valentin
Varigny, H de
Variot, G.
Varro
Vaschide
Vatsyayana
Venette
Venturi
Vesalius
Vinay
Vinci, L. da
Voigt
Voisin, J.
Vurpas
Wagner, R.
Waldeyer
Walker, G.
Wallace, A.W.
Warton
Wasserschleben
Weininger, O.
Wellhausen
Werner
Wernich
West, J.P.
Wharton
Wilhelm, Eugen
Wilkin, G.
Wilkinson, A.D.
Williams, J.W. Whitridge
Williamson, C.F.
Wolff, B.
Wollstonecraft, Mary
Wordsworth
Wychgel
Youatt
Zaborsky
Zoppi
Zimmer
Zola
INDEX OF SUBJECTS.
Abyssinians,
coitus among
Acquired element in erotic symbolism
Acromegaly and sexual development
Alcohol,
aphrodisiac effects of
Algolagnia,
in relation to scatologic symbolism
as a form of erotic symbolism
Anæsthesia,
sexual
Anæsthetics in relation to sexual excitement Anaphrodisiacs
Animal copulation,
attraction of
Animals,
detumescence in
Annamites,
coitus among
Antipathies of pregnant women
Anus in relation to pubic hair
as an erogenous zone
Apes,
sexual organs of
sexual congress in
Aphrodisiacs
Apples,
longings of women for
Arabs,
penis in
Artist,
compared to lover
Associations of contiguity and resemblance in erotic symbolism
Australian method of sexual congress
Auto-suggestions,
longings of pregnancy as
Bartholin,
glands of
Beard in relation to sexual development Beauty,
the objective element in
Bestiality
Bladder in relation to sexual excitement Blood during pregnancy
Blood-pressure during detumescence
Breasts,
and erotic temperament
during pregnancy
Bromide as an anaphrodisiac
Bulbo-cavernous reflex
Camphor as an anaphrodisiac
Cantharides,
effects of
Castration,
results of
Celery as an aphrodisiac
Children,
attracted to foot
to scatology
to copulation of animals
to hair
food impulses of
Chinese,
foot-fetichism of
Circulatory conditions during coitus
during pregnancy
Clitoris
Clothes,
erotic fascination of
Coitus,
the phenomena of
the methods of
ethnic variations in methods of
respiratory and circulatory cond