Eat and drink freely, but do not waste.
Verily, [God] does not love the wasteful.
—The Qur’an - 7:31
Let’s talk dirty for a minute: Landfills.
We’ve all seen those clips of trash piles falling into the ocean, seagulls plucking through garbage, fish swimming through rubbish, baby otters with a six-pack ring around their necks.
I just have one question: Whose idea was it to put a landfill on waterfront property anyway?
Shouldn’t that real estate have been used for a condo or a golf course?
What, the garbage men needed a prime view from their office suite?
Why don’t we dump that shit in Nebraska, or Oklahoma, or some other state with a useless desert? Who saw a coral reef and said, “I think I’ll put my waste management facility here.” We’ve got a million square miles of uninhabitable wasteland in this country, and someone thought it wise to litter what could have been a beach resort? That’s the most un-American business model I’ve ever heard of.
Imagine if we shipped all our trash to one central location and piled it so high we could build a Mount Rushmore on top of it. Imagine the stench. Imagine the revulsion. Imagine the number of loonies worldwide who would pay to see such an atrocity. Now that’s a business plan!
“Come one, come all, and witness the grand Trash Mountain!”
We could build an amusement park around it, with roller coasters zooming over piles of debris, trolley rides circling flaming methane geysers, and raft rides down sewage runoff rapids. Vendors could sell clothespins, gas masks, and tetanus shots. Museums could feature notable celebrity discards. There could be ‘pick your own souvenirs’ extravaganzas. The possibilities are endless.
Yet here we are, squandering potential, throwing away the chance, wasting opportunities.
Vote for me in the coming election, and I’ll make sure your dirtiest dreams come true, all while saving the oceans.
What does this have to do with religion, you ask? Well, it seems the time to merge church and state for the betterment of the planet has arrived. It’s time to put my face on Mount Trashmore.