I came into 2013 expecting the worst, I was full of uncertainty, I did know how the year would turn out. My outlook however, was lacking of any hope to say the least.
My first instinct was to protect myself from the eminent despair that lay before me. I developed a regular church going habit; I planted trees, potatoes, pot plants, just about /anything that I could place some hope in.
I cleared clusters in and around the house that reminded me of my entanglement.
I reduced the amount of cloths in my room, the book, machinery stored in my room; anything that looked like a hoarder’s paradise was systematically removed till it was me, my bed and the walls.
Outside I did the same. I cleared the grass, bushes, and all vegetation that looked like bush. I created breathing space around the house.
2013 looked bleak, mostly because the money we had was not enough to continue living the way we were living. Also, my only form of escape –the laptop- on which I played movies, logged on to the social networks, and simply did my compositions, was about to break. Also I couldn’t buy any more DVDs. So the first pocket money I got, I used to buy a nice phone. It would give me all the access to Facebook and other social media that I required. This proved to be a very very suitable companion throughout the year. It is not a phone to brag about but it has served me well beyond my expectations; year round access to the internet and free access to Facebook, fm radio access free, fantastic music software and hardware, great movie software, a weak camera that takes some very artistic pictures. The pictures it took re quite moving and very unique: some of the best pictures I have ever taken. The camera function was the bonus feature for me in this phone.
In the months that followed as the year began, I also engaged in some craftsmanship. I built a few shelves in my room, and a small desk with a glass top. I also built a bar/Lab stool. I did some tailoring, some landscaping, some electrical rewiring and just some handy work the results of which I found quite up lifting.
I attempted to better my current situation; I applied to study Business Administration. Eventually I was successful but I couldn’t enrol considering my financials and to put it plainly my confusion.
I made it through to the end of the year in this fashion and yet still looking back, the year has proven itself to have been immensely horrid.
I had a pleasant conversation with a girl on the bus a few days ago. She seemed open and conversant although quite equally as unintelligent as I am. She wasn’t attractive to my eyes and she wasn’t my idea ‘pursuit’. But she showed herself to be insecure; a quality which I find reinforces my confidence. She was the first girl that I talked to, in this country of mine that I didn’t find repulsive or intimidating.
So in summation, in as far as 2013 goes, I tried to improve my relationship with God, I avoided despair and I restored hope in my life. However, the year felt artificial, like I was a crying baby given a sweet to halt my whaling. That the pending doom God had me envision for 2013 was postponed until I was in good health.
Throughout the year I asked God for a job, and he did bring two new jobs into my life. Also my hero Nelson Mandella who was on his death bed was given an additional six months of life. Meaning he would die in the season of tranquil greenery that enbeauties his homeland Qunu in the Eastern Cape (South Africa) in the mid-summer months. God made my only companion which was my phone, very fulfilling in its functions, very personalised that I dare not lose it, very simple and yet so beautiful in its design. He however showed me how useful I think I am and how useless I really am to myself and my family and friends if I had any.
Today I have less money and less stuff than I had at the beginning of the 2013 and 2014 beckons. It is impossible for me ‘not’ to have a positive outlook on 2014. The optimist in me only sees it ending as fruitless and as uneventful as it appears to me now and as 2013 was. There is no sign of prosperity for me.
The pessimist at best sees what can only bring one to the paralysing clutches of despair. War and destabilisation, lack of coordination escalating expenses further isolation/loneliness, and a build up of resentment towards a community and a country I would rather be a part of. I feel like I am failing like I have failed so many times before. But my greatest fear of what tomorrow brings is death and that is what I hate about my relationship with God, he allows death to claw at my life persistently and I find it very exhausting. It is the one thing I cannot find a way of managing or processing or controlling. 2014 promises to make it more prevalent a discontent in my life. I cannot find a solution to this but I don’t want God to find one for me.