On the Funny Side of the Street
…(Our Blunders, Bloopers, Typos, One-Liners and Jokes)
(cyber abbreviations:
ROFL = rolling on the floor laughing,
LOL = laughing out loud)
"For me, it finally became such a chore to always look my best, walk just right, talk just right… in short to be perfect. It just ain't happening. I'm sorry, but I'm not June Cleaver… I don't vacuum in a dress & heels!! LOL"
"One morning I asked if he'd like a cup of coffee to drink on the way to work. His response: 'I don't understand. Some days you prepare the coffee, and other days you ask if I want coffee. There is no consistency, I don't know what to expect.' Jeez Louise, it's coffee, not sex!!!"
"Anybody bringing a bullwhip? I'm going to need some self-punishment."
"By the way it won't take long before you reelize I don't spell check ot profread." "…and I no longer korrect you! LOL"
"Gee, I'm glad you fessed up on the spell checking… I was starting to think you had been spending too much time at Walmart! LOL"
"…yue leve wallmrt aloan – itsa gud stor."
"I've got a bit of an embarrassing confession to make of my own. I can't remember whether it was you I asked to let me know what ROFL stood for? In the reply you/she included LOL. I've always been used to using LOL to mean 'lots of love', and realise I've put it in some really inappropriate places! e.g. "My heart goes out to you with this tragedy. LOL"
"N's are stuck on perfection. If your feet aren't perfect they are devalued. You may as well have the feet of an elephant. Ask him why you can smell his ass from across the room. That'll shut him up."
"Try installing a poor-man's security system. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots – a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammunition. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like 'Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in ½ an hr. Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed."
N said: "You can't have my mobile phone number because it's private, but I'll need yours so that I can check up where you are at any time."
N said: "Well, that's enough talk about me. What do you think about me?" N said: "You'll never find anyone better than me."
N said (to the slow cars in front of him): "Can't they go any faster, don't they know who I AM!!!"
N said: "A lie is as good as the truth if you can get someone to believe it."
"My suggestion, tell him: 'You know, how they say that size doesn't matter? I am sorry to inform you that indeed, it does.'"
"He was the only man I ever knew that could strut while sitting down." "Every man wants a woman he can look down on."
"There's nothing wrong with narcissists that reasoning with them won't aggravate."
"I'm sorry I didn't get to tell him to screw himself when I had him on the phone. Knowing him, he'd spend hours e-mailing himself trying to seduce himself into getting it done!!!"
"He lied like a dog. Oops, I take that back. That would be insulting to the dog." "Honey, I just wanted to say you look wonderful while you scream at me that way."
"Does this mean you're about to rage? By the way, would you mind doing something useful while you rage, like getting me a beer and a sandwich?"
"Is this going to be on candid camera? You can't be serious? Where's the hidden camera?" (begin looking)
"I'm thankful for all these little conversations. Without them, I wouldn't know what humility really stands for."
"The new head of the complaint department is Ms. Helen Waite. If you have a complaint, go to Helen Waite."
"I'd love to stay and listen to you talk about yourself, but I gotta run." "Before you begin, may I adjust your crown?"
"Is there a caboose to your train of thought?"
"They told me you weren't dumb enough to lie all the time. I stuck up for you and said you were."
"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."
"I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me." "You were sent here as a warning to others, weren't you?"
"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental." "100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?"
"A narcissist is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house."
"How does a narcissist sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other."
"How can you tell when a narcissist is lying? His lips are moving."
"What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a narcissist? An offer you can't understand."
"What is the difference between a catfish and a narcissist?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker, and the other's just a fish."
"What do you call an honest narcissist? An impossibility."
"Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of narcissists?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met."
"What do a narcissist and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being."