Why
SnowBoarding Is a Crime
At Several Major Ski Areas
The title of this book may seem a little harsh, a little extreme, a little too far for most people, . . . but the fact remains: . . . snow-boarding is in-fact prohibited at a number of major ski areas. Some smaller ski areas might have prohibited it also, but they find they can't get away with it financially--they've had to let the snow-boarders in and accommodate them much the same way the old Kansas cattle towns had to let the rowdy cowboys in for fear of drying up and blowing away.
And, much the same way rowdy "Border Towns" sprung up and got their identity from the Prohibition of Alcohol back in the Roaring 1920s, as portals for smuggling illegal liquor, . . . you could say now we have a similar phenomenon in "Boarder Towns" (with an 'a') near the bases of many ski areas, where true downhill skiers might feel as uncomfortable and out-of-place as a heterosexual going into a gay bar. You might check out what legendary Glenn Plake says about skiing in relation to snow-boarding in the 1999 Warren Miller movie Cold Fusion--he's one of the few more honest and outspoken guys in the business, because he's also more of a free agent. --There's no denying: ski areas have lost a high percentage of wholesome skiers in recent years . . . due to the changed atmosphere at most ski areas--most ski areas aren't even called "Ski Areas" anymore, they're called "Winter Sports Resorts," so as not to offend anyone or alienate any 'much-needed' business. Though not the focus of this book, a highly-questionable criminal activity closely associated with a high-percentage of snow-boarders . . . is Marijuana--it seems to be their drug of choice, and you can often smell it in their instructor locker room. Don't get us wrong: Mr Heins and I love our beer (which is legal, by the way), but we have no intentions of turning this book into a debate about the Legalization of Marijuana. --The Legalization of Snow-Boarding is what we are debating.
In this chapter, Mr Heins will explain why snow-boarding should be, and sometimes successfully is, prohibited. The ski areas partaking in the prohibition, especially the non-PSIA ski areas, should love the whole book, this chapter in particular.
Border Patrol & Fun Control--
"Okay, Mr Buntline, you've seen that bumper sticker that says, 'Skate-Boarding is Not a Crime' that circulated about the 1980s--well, I would agree with it, but it came about because far too many skate-boarders were spending too much time hoorahing the steps of the local library, the court-house, and the city-hall, places like that, because they didn't have any place 'more-legal' to go with their talents. They basically solved the problem by using a small amount of funds to build the much-needed relatively-small skate-board parks with-in the city limits. You don't see skate-boarders doing that crap anymore outside their park so much as you see snow-boarders--they are the ones you see now building obstacles at Minneapolis Parking Garages and along urban interstate highways as well as the old down-town city hall or campus library. They have an ongoing contest to see how outrageous and obnoxious they can be and generally are a great nuisance. On one ski school I worked at, they took the wooden benches out of the locker room and made jumps and rails out of them to slide on--when we retrieved those benches, they were gouged and splintered in very bad shape. So, Snow-Boarding is a Crime. I even heard a rumor about some teen-edgers 'Snow-Boarding At the OK Corral,' . . . down in Tombstone, . . . in the heat."
"Oh, my, that wouldn't make the Earp Brothers too happy. Yes, yes, now I can really see . . . how the Clantons and McLaurys would be behind that."
"Most of us can remember the time when snow-boarding became a big controversy. Snow-Boarders and Snow-Board Rights Activists gathered with torches in the Turn Squares at the bases of many ski areas, and a guy looking like Sam Elliott came out to explain the new Ski Area Ordinance . . . Banning Snow-Boarding: 'We're not saying you can't have any fun. All we're saying is . . . you can't have fun using a snowboard within our ski-area boundaries--that's not so bad, is it? Safety, Fun, and Learning. We're not saying snow-boarding isn't fun, all we're saying is . . . it's not safe.' It's a pretty good speal."
"Oh, yes, I remember, Mr Heins. And a guy looking like Michael Madsen jumped in and explained, 'From now on, the snow-line is the boundary, and the ordinance states that: any terrain above the snow-line . . . is for skiers, . . . anything below the snow-line . . . is for skate-boarders.' It's like the old bumper sticker says: 'Skate-Boarding Is Not a Crime,' but, up on the mountain, Snow-Boarding Is a Crime."
"Yeah, so he continued by saying, 'you'll need to check your snow-boards in with the Turn Marshal.'"
"Oh, yes, go on Mr Heins. And I believe there are several major ski areas . . . who enforce this most-wise ordinance."
"Yeah, it launched the whole issue of Fun Control, Mr Buntline. And it made necessary a whole new regiment of Border Patrol . . . besides down on the Mexican Border. Now we need patrols on the Snow Border, without the 'a,' where there is snow above the line, but no snow below the high-enough elevation line. Fun-Guiders gathered on both sides, eager to have it out in places like Edge City and TurnsTown and EssesWorth and WhichUtah. A number of famous destination ski areas out west stand strong in Prohibiting Snow-Boarding on their slopes--and I commend them for it. . . . Of course, Snow-Board-Rights Activists rant and rave about how 'illegal and unfair' this is, and they have gotten their way at most ski areas, to the point that they are no longer even called ski areas, they are called euphemistically . . . 'winter sports resorts.'"
I could see the big difference between Mr Heins and Wyatt Earp . . . is that Earp had the luxury of a number of gun-fighting brothers, . . . while the two brothers of Mr Heins don't even ski--they are not fun-guiders. Mr Heins came and went at a number of ski-schools as a result of this ongoing debate. To him, it wasn't just a Snow-Boarding debate; it was a debate about the attitude in the whole ski industry. And, when he did too good of a job enforcing great skiing--offering the wedge to beginners, showing them the easiest way to get up, demanding ski poles for his students from the rental shop,--he was let go by a number of ski areas, just as Wyatt Earp was let go by Dodge City and Wichita more than a hundred years earlier for doing too good of a job. The ski areas he was welcome at, he couldn't afford to live within the turn limits, because of the high cost of living, his pay being comparatively low to that of his colleagues because of the inturnal politics and the fact that he did not accept bribes. . . . So here we are telling his story. Permit us to defend the Prohibition Of Snow-Boarding. Gentle Reader, you might want to crack yourself open a beer as this is going to be quite a session. Again, here is Mr Heins:
"First, Mr Buntline, are the several Hazards of SnowBoarding involved, because Snow-Boarding is so unnatural."
"Yes, go ahead, I am ready."
"Snow-Boarders ride 'side-saddle,' so to speak, which makes them have trouble seeing half of where they're going. It would be equivalent to having the driver's seat in your car facing the side window. It is interesting to note that, during the Victorian Era, only a percentage of uppity women rode side-saddle, and they did so probably only occasionally for less than ten years; but, at least the side-saddle women tried to have their belly-button facing somewhat forward the way they were going, . . . whereas their snow-boarding counterparts tend to have their belly-button facing more perpendicular to where they're going. (--Me, I've been known to have my belly-button pointing more where I'd just come from, but that is a different deal.) .
. . In the early days of snow-boarding, the riders had their bindings mounted with their feet pointed somewhat forward, but, being still more than half sideways, they had to relieve the muscle tension occasionally throughout the day . . . by snow-boarding backwards, a phenomenon which has come to be known as . . . 'riding switch.'"
"Wait a moment, 'riding switch'?" I couldn't help interrupt, "--you mean they ride backwards down the mountain? On purpose?"
"Precisely--well, maybe not precisely in the case of a snow-boarder, but they just do it mostly to relieve the one-sided tension, and some of them do it almost half the time. I call it 'Swivel Unrest.' Well, because 'riding switch' has become more and more commonplace over the years, they mount their bindings fully left or fully right nowadays---right I think is 'regular,' and left I believe is officially 'goofy.' But, in any case, with the bindings mounted more perpendicular to the board, 'riding switch' is almost as easy as riding 'regular' or 'goofy.' Just as they've won their right to snow-board, they have their 'Swivel Rights.'"
"Oh, I get it, as I may experience the same phenomenon at home while sitting on the couch watching TV--your head and body get fatigued if you sit one-sided for too long, so you switch. Or it might be like rolling over in bed, to get more comfortable."
"Yeah, Mr Buntline. At any rate, backing up a bit to perhaps the most fundamental flaw of snow-boarding, whether they ride 'regular' or 'goofy,' 'switch' or not, . . . snow-boarders always have a blind side. They have always had a blind side. For any snow-boarder, in any mode they've got, on one turn, they are fine; but, on the other turn, they are practically looking uphill. But they do have their 'Swivel Rights.'"
"Wait a minute, Mr Heins: put two snow-boarders together on the same ski-run, and you've got the potential recipe for two blind sides mixing together . . . when even just one is bad enough. This blind-side business may be the biggest contention why some major ski resorts prohibit the practice of snow-boarding," I deduced.
"Exactly. . . . Now this brings us to the problems of chair-lift riding for snow-boarders, Mr Buntline. A chair on a chair-lift goes straight forward, but, again, a snowboarder can't get on and off there with his belly-button facing forward, especially with the more-perpendicular binding mounting. Even with their rear foot out of the binding, snow-boarders have an awkward time loading and unloading chair-lifts--just watch them. In fact, today's snow-boarders boarding the chair probably have it more tricky than the snow-boarding pioneers did, because of the changes in orientation angles of the bindings. Yes, you need to turn around and look for the chair, but, being one-sided, snow-boarders tend to look the correct way only half the time. On a double chair, beginning snow-boarders need to ride alone--"
"--Which makes the lift line grow bigger, while beginning skiers more likely can enjoy having a partner." I helped out. "Mr Heins, am I right?"
". . . Come to think of it, the snow-boarding pioneers were mostly skiers first given to deviant behavior for wanting to be different--at least they got into snow-boarding already understanding chair-lift riding. Anyway, but now, even though skiing should be the prerequisite to snow-boarding, even more-so than skate-boarding, they market snow-boarding to people who've never seen mountains or snow before. And: they treat it more like miniature golf than the truly dangerous sport it is."
"I see," I nodded, as I handed him another beer.
"--Which brings us to the raw deal dealt to beginning snow-boarders.The most difficult place for any snow-boarder to stand up from sitting or kneeling . . . is on flat terrain, Mr Buntline."
". . . --Which is the first place you find yourself, is it not?" I could picture what Gary was getting at. "Even good experienced snow-boarders, when they are stopped, if they don't have a foot loose from the binding, they are either on their knees . . . or on their butt--am I right?"
"Yeah, Mr Buntline. Now, in contrast, a beginning skier can stand up with relative ease, and they can use their poles to take skis on and off. On flat terrain, skiers can skate around on one ski for a few minutes, then they can try two skis; poles for balance and propulsion are a great help, if the ski instructor knows how to introduce them--and, sadly, there are too many who don't (but we'll address that issue elsewhere). To make a wrong story short, a high double-digit percentage of vacationers take a beginning snow-board lesson every day . . . only to fail miserably; they decide to try a beginning ski lesson the very next day, because of the Universal Beginner-Lesson Guarantee, . . . and you can see the damage that's been done to their Heart, Mind, and Body: they're sore physically, they're trembling emotionally, and they've decided life is hard psychologically. I'd say skiing is the prerequisite to snow-boarding, if it's going to be legal; but that would be like saying heterosexuality is the prerequisite to homosexuality. . . . Oh, I'm sorry. You're not Gay, are you, Mr Buntline?"
I blushed a little, and said, "Naw, but, if I were--Uh, let's move on."
"Okay, the next reason snow-boards are not welcome at some major ski areas is . . . they raise havoc with good snow conditions--there is a tremendous amount of Snow Trouble caused by snow-boarders. When there is a pristine deep-powder day, it is not uncommon to see mediocre snow-boarders trashing millions of acre-feet of virgin powder by side-slipping what they can't negotiate properly with normal turns. This is another reason they 'need' Terrain Parks: a lot of snow boarders have trouble turning let alone carving, so they hide the fact by hanging out in the Terrain Park, where the etiquette is to sit-out a big chunk of the time while your buddies crash-n-burn."
"So the Terrain Park gives them relief from actual snow-boarding."
". . . These same guys and girls who have trouble boarding downhill may be caught just as often traversing down out of steep areas. --Don't confuse, Mr Buntline, this traversing-down . . . with traversing-across a mountain when one desires to: there are times when you have to traverse to get where you need to be, and skiers may even climb up a bit as they traverse, but this bad traversing-down is committed because it's the only way they can get down. Bad skiers may do the same thing, whether it's their own fault or their instructor's fault--'steep-herders.' That's what it is, a 'fault line' in the virgin powder; and, come to think of it, this syndrome can be found in moguls too, making the moguls less round-n-fluid, thus more difficult to ski--when was the last time you saw an expert snow-boarder really doing moguls well?!--their knees and ankles aren't aligned correctly to absorb the shock."
"So their chronic traversing creates awkward fault-lines for skiers to negotiate."
". . . And we're not done yet, Mr Buntline: on the groomed hard-pack, occasionally you'll be skiing along and all of a sudden there's a big jagged divot in the snow about the size of a . . . igloo brick--yeah, an igloo brick--where a snow-board inadvertently got caught in the snow like a possessed snow shovel."
"Oh, yes, I have heard of those huge snow-board divots! Like burning a barn to the ground, they turn the snow to the ground with their huge divots. Some of them get so deep as to hit bare rock and dirt, causing a Great Depression, so the sun then starts melting the snow around the hole, . . . which, some have warned, Mr Heins, could lead to . . . another Dust Bowl!"
"That's right, another Dust Bowl. Well, Mr Bunt-line," he nodded emphatically, "not only their huge divots dig the snow up by the roots and kill it prematurely, like the possible overgrazing of sheep in cattle country, they become a hazard that innocent skiers get tripped up by and fall into." He stopped to shake his head, "It ought to be part of the Snow-Boarder's Responsibility Code: 'Replace Your Divots.' There's a big difference . . . between packing snow . . . and damaging snow."
Oh, yes, let's not forget the whole reason we ski in the first place, according to Mr Heins: 'to pack snow for summer irrigation and watering of the stock.' And further I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and I said, "Oh, gee, Mr Heins, you mean to tell me now that snow-boarding is as dangerous as Golf?!"
"Yeah, Mr Buntline, real Golf? yeah. About the time I figure I've uncovered all the Evils of Snow-Boarding, there's more, it goes on and on." He paused for a moment. "You play golf, Mr Buntline? I used to play a lot, and I've got a lot of old golf injuries. In fact, that's one of the reasons I took up skiing, for my health--my mental health,--and look where it's gotten me: living in exile with a clear vision of how the world is going downhill fast, almost like Cotton Wilson in Fort Griffin, Texas. And then they wonder why I'm so grumpy. If anyone should be on-the-take, it's me."
"Next, Mr Heins, tell me about the Terrain Park Mentality. Is it a mental illness?"
"Yeah, Mr Buntline, the TP Mentality, skiing down the toilet. This won't take long. But, first, they fought to get their Terrain Parks built, which takes a lot of time and money and man-power and maintenance and diesel fuel. Then, every time it snows, you've got to find those obstacles and dig them out . . . before someone drives a ski tip under a rail or some horrid thing. --Course, you'd better have the whole park fenced off with barb-wire, especially when the park is most dangerous under a fresh new blanket of snow."
"Yes, I can see how Terrain Parks are a whole lot more work . . . for artificial results."
"Yeah, Mr Buntline, in the old days, it was just the mountain and the snow and the skier--we didn't need anything else extra or artificial to have fun. Oh, we might have set up a race course now and then, set up some bamboo and pack some snow, but that's simple compared to the complex precision landscaping that goes into a Terrain Park. . . . And then snow-boarders aren't happy with the Terrain Park--they have to build jumps and similar nonsense everywhere else, on beginner trails and everywhere they don't belong. They sort of 'dam-up' the snow anywhere they please, without having the 'powder rights' to do so. Terrain Parks have eaten up a lot of beginner and low intermediate terrain--this . . . Impervious Parking . . . has put the lives of many a beginning and low-intermediate skier in peril, as they need more daylight than more proficient skiers to survive."
"Oh, yes, Mr Heins, I have a niece who was caught off guard by that kind of thing her second day out. It's like running into a dangerous bottle-neck in city traffic . . . at a time when you still have nothing more than your Learner's Permit. Or it's worse than a cowboy riding the range having to negotiate gopher holes or prairie dog holes and badger holes, which at least are natural."
"At least, Mr Buntline, the Terrain Parks are a way of quarantining the snow-boarders somewhat, kind of like building a skate-board park for the skate-boarders. Don't get me wrong: I believe in skate-boarding more than snow-boarding, because at least skate-boarders still have their independent-leg-action."
"Yet there seems to be a high amount of Juvenile Delinquent Behavior in both--is there not?"
"You've got that right, Mr Buntline. But the skateboarders seem to be a lot more natural to me, dealing with their city environment, needing something to do there."
"Yes, Mr Heins. Then why bring it to the mountain and its snow?--when they've already got what they need in a skate-board park down in the city."
". . . Just when I think I've covered it, Mr Buntline, or uncovered it, . . . there's more. The Dangers of Snow-Boarding. Snow-Boarders are particularly afraid of avalanches, rightly more-so than skiers, for a number of reasons. In an avalanche, a skier may lose his skis early-on in a slide, thus having more of a chance of being a free-man once the debris sets up; . . . but not a snow-boarder, because their board does not have near the chance of coming off, and it becomes an anchor in the snow real quick. A skier, too, because he's less restricted even with his skis on, has a better chance of swimming out of an avalanche."
"Oh, yes, Mr Heins, I never thought of that."
". . . How about suffocation in tree wells?--a lesser known danger than avalanche. Expert skiers sometimes, myself included, launch themselves unavoidably head-first into a tree-well upside-down, especially in deep powder. You're out of breath to begin with because of the last couple-thousand turns you've just made, and suddenly there you are upside-down in three-feet of powder, and a pine bough lets lose with another shovel-ful of snow right on your face--experts have died that way, and I was almost one of them my first time that happened. Luckily I had my wits about me enough to use one of my ski poles real quick to undo my ski-bindings, thus giving me a chance to squirm around till my head got above powder. A snow-boarder in that situation may not have a chance of undoing his bindings, especially without poles, unless he has six-pack abdominal muscles--that's with-the-cans--and isn't out of breath in the first place."
I could see what he was meaning, and I nodded along patiently: "Yes, six-pack abs with-the-cans is a very different proposition from six-pack abs without the cans still in place."
"Oh, I feel like old Bob Graham, the safety director for the charter buses I drove a couple of summers. In 'Gra'mmer School,' he could talk about 'stale green lights' for hours . . . and make it interesting!"
"I see what you mean. You sure do make it interesting, Mr Heins. You do have a way of telling people what they don't already know, and that's great writing. Great Writing!"
"All I know," Mr Buntline, "is, being hobbled or shackled the way they are, Snow-Boarders probably don't have much business being on the Ski Patrol. If I am OB, . . . with a broken leg or two, . . . and in need of a formal rescue, . . . only skiers have the ability to traverse any which way out and back again . . . or to climb . . . or to handle a toboggan; snow-boarders basically can only go down even when traversing, when you're talking deep snow, which is what you find out-of-bounds--this is why it's so dangerous and unlawful for them to duck the ropes. I hate to say it: for a skier to go OB, it's almost a misdemeanor; for a snow-boarder, it's a felony death-warrant--that's not me talking, that's Nature. Still, the Ski Patrol tells us, most of our ski area OB poachers are not skiers . . . but snow-boarders--the glossy magazines egg them on to do it, offering them bounties!"
"Yes, they tell me the ski areas that prohibit snow-boarding . . . have had to hire a whole new Border Patrol (without an 'a') to keep snow-boarders (with an 'a') from coming up above the snow-line border. Then the ski areas that do allow snow-boarding . . . can't keep them in-bounds." We both shook our heads, in wonderment of what the ski world was coming to.
"I tell you, Mr Buntline, they should put a frozen statue of one of those snow-boarders in the Turn Square who ducked out-of-bounds and wasn't found out about in time by the Ski Patrol or Border Patrol."
"Without an 'a.'"
"Right."
"Kind of like those before-and-after posters of people who do methamphetamines--it can be a most dangerous prospect."
I believe we were really getting at the crux of the matter, moreso than I ever would have dreamed. "Why isn't anyone else talking about this?!" I had to wonder; "Is everyone so apathetic and politically correct . . . that they don't see the consequences of their . . . inability to think?" The whole country has been slipping for many years lately, and suddenly a lot more in '08-09, and Gary Heins needs to do his part to expose it in the ski business like no other. In the old days, we had Checks and Balances; now it seems what we have is . . . John Beck . . . and Challenges. Tomorrow evening I would ask Mr Heins . . . to tell how the whole snow-boarding phenomenon has drastically infected, and poisoned, the whole Constitution of Skiing. . . . Later, I shall ask him . . . what it is we can do about it, if anything, if there is any possible chance . . . of bringing 'cowman sense' back into skiing.
The poor man, he must've been going crazy knowing what he knows, that so few other people ever stop to consider. No wonder he was so glad to see me show up to help him get his message out.