ABIMELECH
Indeed you are a dead man because of the woman whom you have taken, for she is a man’s wife.
—God
“So Abraham journeys to the South and stays in Gerar.”
“Wait, why did he leave?”
“Perhaps it was a desire to get away from the destruction of the cities,” said the man, “but we really don’t need a reason for moving on. Abraham’s purpose is to migrate from place to place on account of his herds, but also to explore and take possession of the land as God intended. Canaan was not his place for permanent settlement, only pilgrimage.”
“I see,” said the boy.
With reservation, the man read the next line:
Now Abraham said of Sarah his wife, “She is my sister.” And Abimelech king of Gerar sent and took Sarah.68
The boy shook his palms at the sky as he yelled, “God’s chosen people are swingers!”
“Pipe down,” said the man, shoulders by his ears as he gazed around. “Someone could hear you.”
The boy whispered, “Sorry,” as he looked around himself. When he saw no one else around he said, “But at this point you can’t even deny it. First she sets him up with Hagar, then he hooks her up with Pharaoh, and now here we are again, with no objection from Sarah, I might add, after that jolly good time she had at Pharaoh’s house.”
With impatience the man said, “Hagar was as a surrogate because Sarah was barren. The encounter with Pharaoh was a means of survival. And you’ll see how Abimelech is punished soon enough.”
“Well, what excuse do they have for the whole sister charade this time?” said the boy. “God even told him, ‘I am your shield.’ This is a slap in God’s face if he doesn’t trust Him by now.”
“Yes, clearly Abraham still lacks faith and is acting out of fear again,” said the man. “The Scripture is impartial when it comes to revealing the blemishes of its most celebrated heroes. Even diamonds have their flaws.”
“Flaws?” said the boy. “Don’t give me that. At this point we know Abraham is a fearless warrior with an army that can conquer kingdoms. What we have going on here is some good old-fashioned kinkery.”
“I can assure you the Holy Bible does not condone extra-marital affairs,” said the man. “As we learned in Genesis, a man shall be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.”
“Yeah, but if we’re supposed to hold onto everything that happened before the fall, then shouldn’t we all be naked, hanging around gardens without jobs, strictly eating from trees while we wait for God to pull out our ribs to make monogamous wives? Unless you’re saying all those things still apply, we can’t just cherry-pick this thing or that while everything else has changed. Before the fall we were naked, after the fall we were clothed. Before the fall we were vegans, after the fall we ate meat. Before the fall we were created from earth and ribs, after the fall we were born to men and women. Before the fall there was one monogamous couple, after the fall… what, we’re supposed cling to this single arbitrary rule? That doesn’t make any sense. The story doesn’t show God’s ideal is monogamy. It only reveals the circumstance in which creationism got us started. Allegedly,” said the boy. “But I’m just not seeing anything against a little side flesh down here on earth. If God didn’t care for this type of behavior, He would have made Abraham give back all his treasure in Egypt. Instead, His chosen couple goes on swinging left and right without backlash.”
The man rolled his eyes. “If you insist that the issues his women are causing at home and summoned plagues aren’t considered backlash, then I have nothing more to say. And if you’re not convinced yet, there are plenty more rules and examples coming.”
“Eh,” the boy swatted his hand at the air, “both those things came from a lack of communication. But I’m listening.”
“Keep in mind,” said the man, “a distinguishing feature of the Bible is that it insists upon perpetual upward progress, raising men to be better and holier than those who came before them. What it doesn’t do is disproportionately raise these characters above the level of their own time. Also keep in mind, it’s possible even good men cannot only fall into sin, but relapse into the same sin again.”
The boy remained silent, so the man read on:
And Abimelech king of Gerar sent and took Sarah. But God came to Abimelech in a dream by night, and said to him, “Indeed you are a dead man because of the woman whom you have taken, for she is a man’s wife.”69
The man looked up and raised his eyebrows for emphasis, but the boy merely raised his own as a mocking mirror, so he read on:
But Abimelech had not come near her, and he said, “Lord, will You slay a righteous nation also? Did he not say to me, ‘She is my sister’? And even she herself said, ‘He is my brother.’ In the integrity of my heart and innocence of my hands I have done this.”70
“Bonnie and Clyde, man, I’m telling you.”
The man shook his head and kept reading:
And God said to him in a dream, “Yes, I know that you did this in the integrity of your heart. For I also withheld you from sinning against Me, therefore I did not let you touch her. Now therefore, restore the man’s wife, for he is a prophet, and he will pray for you and you shall live. But if you do not restore her, know that you shall surely die, you and all who are yours.”71
“Ahhh, the old ‘surely die’ trick again,” said the boy. “Wonder what it means this time.”
The man said, “May I just finish this part of the story please?” glaring up from the Bible.
“Sorry,” said the boy. “Go ahead.”
So the man did:
Abimelech rose early in the morning, called all his servants, and told all these things in their hearing, and the men were very much afraid. And Abimelech called Abraham and said to him, “What have you done to us? How have I offended you, that you have brought on me and on my kingdom great sin? You have done deeds to me that ought not to be done.”72
The man looked up from the text and said, “I think that makes it very clear that taking another man’s wife is a great sin. The Pharaoh knew it, Abimelech knew it, and now these themes seem to be universal.”
“Well, taking another man’s wife without intentions and consent all around maybe. But these guys were duped into sin by a chronic liar with a secret fetish.”
The man peered skeptically out of the corner of his eye. “Why are you so caught up with this anyway?”
The boy glanced down and away. “I’m not.” Then he pointed to the Bible and said, “I just think that book has been used to condemn a lot of things, and I want to make sure we’re getting the story straight.”
“Well, if you were listening, it said Abimelech took Sarah, presumably by force. It can hardly be assumed that Abraham and Sarah cared for this intrusion on their marriage.”
“See, that’s exactly what I’m talking about,” said the boy. “You can’t just stick presumably in a sentence and make it true. Presumably Abimelech was the most handsome man in all the land. And presumably Sarah longed for another go in the sheets with a rich and powerful man like Pharaoh. See? Your assumptions are just as valid as the ones I made up now.”
“Let’s just finish this part of the story,” said the man. “We’ll never agree on this.” And without waiting for the boy’s response, he read on:
And Abimelech asked Abraham, “What was your reason for doing this?”73
Abraham said, “Because I thought, surely there is no fear of God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife.”74
“She’s a hundred years old,” said the boy. “What, did they have great plastic surgery back then? None of this makes any sense.”
“Though Sarah was ninety years old,” said the man, “we have to take into account a few things. One, in this age of the world, men and women lived longer, so they didn’t as soon decay. Two, she has retained her beauty because she hasn’t endured the bearing and nursing of children. And three, God has blessed and rejuvenated her with the strength and youth required to bear children once more.” The man paused to see if the boy had anything to say. When he didn’t, he added, “And if you’ve listened carefully, we don’t know the motivation for why Abimelech took her. Perhaps it wasn’t her beauty, but rather to align himself with a rich nomadic warrior by marrying his sister.”
“Whatever,” said the boy. “Let’s just get through this chapter. I don’t have the patience for this.”
“Fine,” said the man, reading Abraham’s next line:
“But indeed she is truly my sister. She is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother, and she became my wife.”75
The boy’s head collapsed forward and hit the table with a thud. A muffled voice emerged from his face-plant. “Tell me God’s chosen people don’t descend from incest.”
“There were larger allowances for marriages then,” said the man, resuming Abraham’s line:
“And when God caused me to wander from my father’s house, I said to her, ‘This is the kindness you must do me. At every place to which we come, say of me, “He is my brother.”’”
Then Abimelech took sheep and oxen, and male and female servants, and gave them to Abraham, and returned Sarah his wife.76
“What is happeninggg?” came a muffled cry as the boy lifted his head and banged it down again. “What is wrong with everyone? Please,” said the boy, looking up at the man this time. “Please, tell me there’s a twist at the end where this is Satan’s work and the real God comes down to smite these people.”
“I cannot. But here’s Abimelech’s next line,” said the man:
“Behold, my land is before you. Dwell where it pleases you.”
To Sarah he said, “Behold, I have given your brother a thousand pieces of silver. It is a sign of your innocence in the eyes of all who are with you, and before everyone you are vindicated.”77
“Giving her brother-husband silver is their way of vindication? Was everyone a product of incest then? What is wrong with their brains?”
“This gift was meant to clear her name in a way that warded off public disapproval for anyone who thought she may have lain with another man. And Abimelech was doing these things because God told him Abraham was a prophet, and that he would pray for him. So it was in looking out for his own best interest that he sent him away with gifts.”
“How is Abraham supposed to learn a lesson about pimping out his wife if God rewards him every time he does it? This book is making less and less sense the more we read. I don’t know if I can continue at this point, honestly.”
“Just stick with it,” said the man, reading on before the boy could object any further:
So Abraham prayed to God and God healed Abimelech, his wife, and his female servants. Then they bore children, for the Lord had closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech because of Sarah, Abraham’s wife.78
The man looked up and said, “So you see? God had made Abimelech sick, or perhaps impotent, to prevent his sins. The gifts were a way of ensuring Abraham’s prayer for their healing.”
“But you said the Holy Bible doesn’t condone extra-marital affairs.”
“That’s right,” said the man. “I did.”
“But God rewards Abimelech with children from both his wife and servants. He even agrees that his actions were out of the ‘integrity of his heart.’ Seems like God’s issue was with taking Abraham’s wife away, adding an already married woman to the harem of a man with integrity, not polygamy itself.”
“Well, of course God takes issue with Abraham losing his wife, as we already saw in Egypt, but polygamy is having more than one wife. Abimelech only had one wife.”
“So you can sleep with more than one person if you only marry one of them?”
“Of course not,” said the man. “Abimelech is pagan, so none of this applies.”
“So some innocent women and a God-fearing pagan are made impotent and forced to cough up silver and livestock to an incestuous prophet who weasels out of deception by justifying half-truths and they go on to become poly neighbors in Polyland where poly rules only apply to people who break them but not others. Am I getting this right?”
“Well…” said the man.
“You’d better keep reading,” said the boy, “because if we stop now, I’m not sure I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“Happy to,” said the man. “The coming chapters reveal how God deals with Abraham anyway.” Then he read on again:
And the Lord visited Sarah as He had said, and the Lord did for Sarah as He had spoken.
“Wait a minute. What does it mean the Lord visited and the Lord did? Is He getting in on the action now too?” The man frowned. “What? Abraham’s a hundred. Maybe he needed a little help.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” said the man, looking down at his book again:
And Sarah conceived and bore Abraham a son in his old age at the time of which God had spoken to him. Abraham called the name of his son who was born to him, whom Sarah bore him, Isaac. And Abraham circumcised his son Isaac when he was eight days old, as God had commanded him.79
The boy stared at the old man looking defeated. “He ‘deals’ with Abraham by providing him with the son he’s always wanted? What kind of punishment is that?”
The man ignored this and read on:
Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him. And Sarah said, “God has made laughter for me, everyone who hears will laugh over me.” And she said, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age.” And the child grew and was weaned. And Abraham made a great feast on the day that Isaac was weaned.80
“Weaned?”
“Off breastmilk,” said the man. “It shows a few years have passed by where the child grew healthy.”
“Ah. Got it.”
Now Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, whom she had borne to Abraham, mocking Isaac. Therefore she said to Abraham, “Drive out this slave woman and her son, for the son of this slave woman shall not be an heir with my son Isaac!”81
“Uh-oh,” said the boy. “Payback.”
“Yes, well, if Ishmael had behaved instead of mocking, or his mother before him gloating, perhaps Sarah would not have reacted so severely. But they abused their privilege of living amongst Abraham’s family as free people, and so they forfeited that privilege.”
The boy nodded, so the man went on:
This upset Abraham because Ishmael was his son. But God told Abraham, “Do not be upset over the boy and your servant. Do whatever Sarah tells you, for Isaac is the son through whom your descendants will be counted. But I will also make a nation of the descendants of Hagar’s son because he is your son, too.”82
So Abraham rose early in the morning and took bread and a skin of water and gave it to Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, along with the child, and sent her away. And she departed and wandered in the wilderness of Beersheba.83
The man looked up to see the boy staring at him, blinking wildly, so he cocked his head to the side.
“No, no,” said the boy. “Totally normal that she just wanders off into the wilderness to live happily ever after.”
“The dismissal of his wife and son were no doubt distressing for all parties involved,” said the man, “but bear in mind, Hagar has now obtained her freedom, and Ishmael was of an age where it’s not uncommon to be independent. Though they were no longer in the presence of God’s chosen one, they still had the blessing of being His people. Although, we do see that faith tested as their water runs out and she lies a famished Ishmael under a shrub to shade him from the heat.”
“Let’s hear it then,” said the boy.
So the man read on:
Then she went off and sat down about a bowshot away, for she thought, I cannot watch the boy die. And as she sat there, she began to sob.
God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, “What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid. God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.”
Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink.84
“She didn’t see it before?”
“Oftentimes emotion blinds us to the remedy of a problem right before our eyes. Here we also have the Lord’s reassurance that He will fulfill his promise, even when things look dire. Things may take longer to develop than we prefer, or fulfilled in ways we wouldn’t imagine, but here is a reminder that He is with us even when we’re ready to give in.”
“So I take it things turned out alright then?”
The man nodded:
God was with the boy, and he grew, and he lived in the wilderness and became an archer. He lived in the wilderness of Paran, and his mother took a wife for him from the land of Egypt.85
“Sounds like it,” said the boy.
“Indeed so. But from there we return to the story of Abraham,” said the man, reading on:
Abimelech said, “God is with you in everything you do. Now swear to me here before God that you will not deal falsely with me or my children or my descendants. Show to me and the country where you now reside as a foreigner the same kindness I have shown to you.”86
“And Abraham says, ‘I will swear.’ But then he brings up a situation where some of Abimelech’s servants seized a well from his men.”
“Is there significance that links these two well stories together?” said the boy.
“That’s a good question,” said the man. “Perhaps to highlight the importance of water as a means of survival in these dry countries, how they can mean life and death when you’re alone or cause strife when surrounded by others. These men obviously recognize this as we see when Abimel
ech says, ‘I do not know who has done this thing, you did not tell me, nor had I heard of it until today.’ So they make a covenant to solidify their relationship, and in doing so, Abraham offers Abimelech sheep and oxen as a gesture to treat each other agreeably moving forward. But then he sets aside another seven sheep from the flock by themselves, so Abimelech asks, ‘What is the meaning of these seven ewe lambs which you have set by themselves?’”
“Yes, Abraham,” said the boy. “My question exactly.”
“He says, ‘You will take these seven ewe lambs from my hand, that they may be my witness that I have dug this well.’ In other words,” said the man, “Abraham is, in effect, buying back the rights to his own well. And after the dispute of the well is settled, Abraham names the place Beersheba, meaning ‘well of oaths’ to honor the place in which their covenant was made. And once Abimelech returns to the land of the Philistines with his army, Abraham plants a tamarisk tree in Beersheba.”
“I assume there’s some kind of symbolism for this?”
“Oh yes,” said the man. “Tamarisk trees can grow to great size in a desert climate when they have a reliable water source, so it becomes a landmark of this important location, one we’ll see again as Genesis unfolds. This also appears to be a literal representation of Abraham putting down roots, and as the text goes on to tell us, he stays in the land of the Philistines for a long time.”
“Abimelech had quite the opposite reaction as Pharaoh,” said the boy.
“Yes, obviously Abimelech was a God-fearing man himself and respected Abraham as a prophet if he allowed the practice of a foreign religion by his new neighbor. And we’ll see Abraham continue that tradition wherever he goes, as he neither neglects nor is ashamed of his worship of the Lord.”