ISAAC
Here I am.
—Abraham
“In time, God tested Abraham,” said the man, reading aloud:
He said to him, “Abraham!”
And he said, “Here I am.”
He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.”87
“This usually involved slaughtering an animal,” said the man, looking up from his Bible, “then burning it on an altar until it was consumed by flames.”
The boy stared back at him with his mouth wide open. “After all that? But… I…” He stumbled around a bit before landing on, “This isn’t exactly a bedtime story you’ve put together here, is it? If this is a joke, God sure has a pretty messed-up sense of humor.”
“As I said before, I didn’t write it,” said the man. “But in asking Abraham first to leave his home, the Lord tested whether or not his love was greater for his father. Then by asking him to sacrifice his son, He’s testing whether or not his love was greater for his child. That is to say, was earthly love or heavenly obedience stronger?”
“He obviously didn’t have to test Abraham’s regard for his wife,” said the boy.
“I’ll come back to that,” said the man. “Here, Abraham rose early in the morning and—”
“Wai-, wai-, wai-, wai-, wait,” said the boy, pumping his hand in the air accordingly. “That’s it? The guy waits a century for an heir, and after kicking his firstborn out into the wild, he doesn’t even hesitate to burn his only other kid alive? Like even a little bit?” The boy paused to rub the stress out of his eyes while he pieced together his thoughts. “At least with Ishmael he showed a bit of reluctance. But here, nothing?”
“It’s true,” said the man, “this is certainly a dilemma.”
“A dilemma..?” said the boy.
“Does he listen to God’s will,” asked the man, “the very thing that has carried him this far? Will God ask for human sacrifice moving forward? How does this all align with the promise of Isaac growing up to found nations? And then there’s Sarah. Surely she would disown him, and likely denounce his God. How could he ever return home with the blood of his own son on his hands?”
“Yeah, but he doesn’t exactly ask those questions, now does he?”
“Those who follow God’s will heartily will do so speedily,” said the man, “before doubt creeps in and hinders progress in duty. It’s likely he also wanted Sarah to know nothing about this journey, in case she tried to stop him.”
“You… Why…” The boy stumbled around a bit more before settling on, “Never mind. Just keep reading.”
So the man did:
Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance.88
“Poor Sarah, man. She wakes up one morning to find her family gone for the weekend, then her husband comes back alone with blood on his robe.”
The man gave away no emotion as he kept reading:
Abraham said to his young men, “Stay here with the donkey. The boy and I will go over there to worship, then we’ll come back to you.” Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and laid it on his son Isaac. In his hand he took the fire and the knife, and the two of them walked on together.89
“What’s going through your mind as one of these men?” said the boy. “Your fearless leader is marching the darling future of civilization up a mountain at knifepoint, making him carrying his own bundle of firewood, using the same knife he once used to slice a piece of your dick off, and no one cares to ask, ‘So what’s the plan with that book of matches?’”
“Note how this is done in reflection of the manner in which Christ was forced to carry his own cross up the mountain,” said the man.
“Let’s save the New Testament for when the time comes,” said the boy.
“That’s fine,” said the man. “But keep in mind the parallels between the stories. Sacrificing the son is another.”
“I see what you’re saying,” said the boy. “Just tell me if it ends the same way.”
The man gave a nod and read on:
But Isaac spoke to Abraham his father and said, “My father!”
And he said, “Here I am, my son.”
Then he said, “Look, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?”90
“Jeeez-usss,” the boy groaned as he clapped his hands over his face.
“Should we stop?” asked the man.
“Should we stop?” said the boy, revealing a look of horror. “The first words the boy mutters are, ‘Where is the lamb?’ and you ask me if we should stop? Are you people dead inside? This is the book you worship?”
“I’m not sure if I should take offense to that ‘you people’ commen—”
“For Christ’s sake, man, just tell me what happens!”
“Alright, alright.” So the man read on:
Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.91
“Then, after many a weary step,” added the man as his finger paused from sliding across the line, “and with a heavy heart, ‘they came to the place of which God had told him.’”
“Where are you getting that from?” said the boy, quickly scanning his own text. “Did you skip over a line where tears well up in his eyes or something? This guy is as stone-cold as Hannibal Lecter!”
“Well, we already know how torn Abraham was from sending his first son away. I think we can infer that a man who’s about to sacrifice his only other son to God would do so with a heavy heart.”
“I think we can infer any sane human being would have taken that request and told God to shove it up His a—”
“Abraham builds an altar then,” said the man, “and places the wood in order. Then he binds Isaac his son and lays him upon the wood. Then Abraham stretches out his hand and takes the knife to slay his son.”
“Without hesitation? Without remorse? The chosen one is a psychopath!”
“But the angel of the Lord calls from heaven to stop him,” said the man, reading on:
“Abraham, Abraham!”
So he said, “Here I am.”
And He said, “Do not lay your hand on the lad, or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me.”92
“Well, that’s a relief,” said the boy. “God was certainly right to test him and see if he has any wits left now that he’s a hundred. Go ahead and read the part where God strikes him down with lightning because he’s absolutely insane.”
The man smiled and read on:
Then Abraham lifted his eyes and looked, and there behind him was a ram caught in a thicket by its horns. So Abraham went and took the ram, and offered it up for a burnt offering instead of his son. And Abraham called the name of the place, The-Lord-Will-Provide, as it is said to this day, “In the Mount of The Lord it shall be provided.”93
“More like The-Lord-Will-Put-A-Stop-To-Madness,” said the boy, but the man ignored him and kept reading:
Then the angel of the Lord called to Abraham a second time out of heaven and said, “By Myself I have sworn, says the Lord, because you have done this thing, and have not withheld your son, your only son, blessing I will bless you, and multiplying I will multiply your descendants as the stars of the heaven and as the sand which is on the seashore, and your descendants shall possess the gate of their enemies. In your seed all the nations of the earth shall be blessed, because you have obeyed My voice.”94
“We already knew all that!” said the boy, slapping a palm on his forehead. “What is happening right now?”
“As we heard from the angel of the Lord,” said the man, “Abraham was acting out of a fear of God. Perhaps God had doubt in Abraham’s commitment to His will after his attempt to, well, ‘pimp out’ his wife again, as you put it. So here He swears to keep up His end of the deal once again. And here Abraham’s words to his son, that God will provide a lamb, must be made good.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that this kid is traumatized for the rest of his life. Imagine, your first memory is of lying on a woodpile bound by rope, looking up at your senile father with a knife raised in the air, ready to plunge it into your belly when all of a sudden he looks skyward and starts talking to himself. ‘What’s that?’ he says. ‘You sure? It’s no trouble at all, I’m already here. No, no, really, it would save me a load to carry on the way home.’ Then he looks over at some poor goat caught in the bushes and slits its throat for no reason. Then all bloody and crazed he hoists you on his shoulders and says, ‘Come on, kiddo. We’re going home.’ That could be a very confusing start to a young man’s life.”
“Let’s not forget that, A, it’s quite apparent Isaac is familiar with the tradition of sacrifice, as seen when he asks where the lamb is. And B, he puts up no fight when his father lays him upon the wood to be slain. Perhaps even in youth he can see the importance of sacrifice to the Almighty and can find honor and privilege in rising up to meet Him.”
“Right. Which is why he needed to be bound,” said the boy with rolling eyes.
“While I can see your point, I think you’re missing the greater picture of the story.”
“No, I think you’re missing the greater picture of the story. This book is about traumatizing children, burning sons alive, sending bastards into the wild, sleeping with your drunken father. I mean, what kind of civilization do we descend from?”
“An un-civilization,” said the man. “Which is exactly the point. We’ve fallen from paradise through sin. We’re navigating the morals and ethics and learning how to live properly. Remember that no one walked before them to set a proper example. These were the beginning of times as a human race. Perhaps the Lord had to test the boundaries of rational thinking and reasoning in his chosen people, to see if they would go so far as to make a human sacrifice if they felt compelled.”
“Clearly so,” said the boy.
“Perhaps this is why it appears in Scripture, for future generations to learn from.”
“Hmm,” said the boy, scratching his chin. “I see what you did there.”
“And let’s not forget the most important thing,” said the man, “which is C, Isaac is blessed with the experience of actually seeing the Lord for himself. That’s an experience no man or child will so soon forget, and likely one that overwhelms any kind of trauma you’re painting into our picture.”
The boy had nothing to say to that, so the man continued with the story.
“At this point, Abraham returns to his young men and they all return to Beersheba. And to end the chapter we’re told that Abraham learns the lineage of his family he left behind. The most important thing to note there is the introduction of Rebekah, the granddaughter of Abraham’s brother, who is around Isaac’s age. She’ll become an important figure shortly.”
“Noted,” said the boy.
“In the next chapter, our beloved Sarah passes at the age of one hundred and twenty-seven. Abraham mourns her and asks the descendants of Heth, Canaan’s second son, for a proper burial ground. They offer him the choicest land, the field of Ephron, which was said to have a cave. So Abraham lays Sarah to rest in the cave in the land of Canaan.”
The boy took his water bottle and poured one out on the ground.
The old man bowed his head for a moment in return.
“Then, in the next chapter,” said the man, “we return to the story of Isaac, beginning with mortality brought to the forefront of Abraham’s mind by the death of his wife.” The old man looked to his book and read:
Now Abraham was old, well advanced in age, and the Lord had blessed Abraham in all things. So Abraham said to the oldest servant of his house, who ruled over all that he had, “Please, put your hand under my thigh, and I will make y—”95
“Stop,” the boy raised his hand. “Stop. What’s up with the thigh thing?”
“Well, Abraham is about to have his servant make a very serious oath. Here, listen,” said the man:
“…and I will make you swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell, but you shall go to my country and to my family, and take a wife for my son Isaac.”96
“Abraham knows through prophecy that the Canaanites are destined for downfall, so he takes very seriously that his son should not marry one. Therefore he makes his trusted servant swear by God that he’ll travel to his homeland and find Isaac a suitable wife.”
“Yeah, I get the oath,” said the boy, “but that doesn’t answer my question.”
“Well,” said the man, fidgeting now, “this was a way of acknowledging the severity of the oath back then. In court today you place your hand upon the Bible and swear to tell the truth. It’s something like that, but they didn’t have the Bible then.” He brought a fist to his lips and cleared his throat. “Shall we carry on?”
With slanting eyes, the boy said, “There’s something you’re not telling me.”
“Well,” said the man, fidgeting once again, “this, um, custom dates back to a different time, you see. In order to honor the symbol of the covenant with the Lord, ‘thigh’ has been considered a, well, euphemism.” The man looked down at the page and began reading again:
And the servant sai—
“Stop,” said the boy. “Stop. I’m still not following.”
The man let out a heavy sigh. “The symbol of the covenant with God was th—”
“Whaaat?” The boy slapped his palm on his forehead again. “To make a promise they grabbed each other’s cocks!?”
“‘And so the servant said—’”
“What was wrong with a handshake?”
The man let out another sharp sigh and wiped a bit of sweat of his brow. “These were different times, my boy. Circumcision was the symbol of the holy covenant, and so in order to honor the Lord this was the gesture chosen to do so. Or perhaps ‘under the thigh’ was a reference to Abraham’s, you know, promised seed.”
“So he cupped his balls instead? That’s even weirder!”
“Can we just carry on please?” said the man, glowing scarlet by now.
“This just keeps getting better and better,” said the boy with a smile.
The man averted his eyes and carried on:
The servant said to him, “Suppose the woman is unwilling to follow me to this land? Should I have your son go back to the land you came from?”
Abraham answered him, “Make sure that you don’t take my son back there. The Lord, the God of heaven, who took me from my father's house and from my native land, who spoke to me and swore to me, ‘I will give this land to your offspring,’ he will send his angel before you, and you can take a wife for my son from there. If the woman is unwilling to follow you, then you are free from this oath to me, but don’t let my son go back there.”97
The boy furrowed his brow. “And they’re having this whole conversation while his hands are on his—”
“Then the servant puts his hand under Abraham’s thigh,” said the man:
…and swore to him concerning this matter. Then the servant took ten of his master’s camels and departed, for all his master’s goods were in his hand.98
“I see what they did there,” said the boy.
The man rolled his eyes and read on:
And he arose and went to Mesopotamia, to the city of Nahor. And he made his camels kneel down outside the city by a well of water at evening time, the time when women go out to draw water.99
“Ahh,” said the boy, “picking up chicks at the watering hole since three thousand BC.”
The man shook his head and went on:
Then he said, “O Lord God of my master Abraham, please give me success this day, and show kindness to my master Abraham. Behold, here I stand by the well of water, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water. Now let it be that the young woman to whom I say, ‘Please let down your pitcher that I may drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I will also give your camels a drink.’ Let her be the one You have appointed for Your servant Isaac. And by this I will know that You have shown kindness to my master.”
And it happened, before he had finished speaking, that behold, Rebekah, who was—100
“His cousin? Really? Of all the girls coming to the watering hole that night he picks his cousin?”
“Once removed,” said the man. “The granddaughter of Abraham’s brother, if you recall.”
“Abraham made his servant cup his balls and promise to make his son marry his cousin? I’m not sure if this is better or worse than marrying your half sister.”
“Matrimonial arrangements were made by the parents among pastoral tribes, my boy. The youth were not often married to strangers, but rather within the tribe.”
When the boy said nothing, the man continued:
Now the young woman was very beautiful to behold, a virgin, no man had known her. And she went down to the well, filled her pitcher, and came up.
And the servant ran to meet her and said, “Please let me drink a little water from your pitcher.”
So she said, “Drink, my lord.” Then she quickly let her pitcher down to her hand and gave him a drink.101
“What the hell, man? Some dirty old vagabond comes sprinting at you in the dead of night screaming, ‘Gimme your water,’ and you’re not even fazed? What a gal.”
“Yes,” said the man, “and when she finishes giving him a drink, she says, ‘I will draw water for your camels also, until they have finished drinking.’ Then she empties her pitcher into the trough and runs back to the well to draw once more water for his camels.”
“She’s gonna draw water for ten camels? But a camel can drink like thirty gallons at a time. That would take forever with that little pitcher she’s got.”
“Precisely,” said the man. “What good nature! What courtesy! What humanity! And note, his servant doesn’t park his camels outside a place of amusement or pleasure. He sought out a well, where a woman might come to fetch the water that provides for her family. There he asked the Lord for a clear sign of the woman he sought, and it was delivered before he could even finish speaking. When he asks only to drink a little water from her pitcher and she hastens to draw water for his camels as well, he sees the hospitable nature desired in a mother and wife for Isaac.”
“Well it’s certainly the most we’ve seen of a woman so far,” said the boy.
The old man began to protest, but went on reading instead:
The man gazed at her in silence to learn whether the Lord had prospered his journey or not. When the camels had finished drinking, the man took a gold ring weighing a half shekel, and two bracelets for her arms weighing ten gold shekels, and said, “Please tell me whose daughter you are. Is there room in your father’s house for us to spend the night?”102
“He gawks at her without saying anything before he pulls out a ring and says, ‘Can I stay at your place?’ Is she not creeped out by this?”
“We’ve seen the womanly qualities Abraham’s servant was tasked to find, but the only thing that kept him in doubt was whether or not she was one of Abraham’s kin. So he asks about her father and she replies here,” said the man:
“I am the daughter of Bethuel, Milcah’s son, whom she bore to Nahor.” Again she said to him, “We have plenty of straw and feed, and room to stay overnight.”
Then the man bowed low and worshiped the Lord. And he said, “Blessed be the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who has not abandoned His kindness and His trustworthiness toward my master. As for me, the Lord has guided me in the way to the house of my master’s brothers.”103
The boy remained quietly listening, so the man went on.
“So Rebekah runs and tells her family what happened, and when her brother Laban sees the jewelry his sister has received from this stranger, he runs out to see him.”
“To punch this creep in the face I hope,” said the boy. “That or he’s gonna rob him after ogling that jewelry.”
“Not quite,” said the man. “Instead, Laban says, ‘Come in, O blessed of the Lord! Why do you stand outside? For I have prepared the house, and a place for the camels.’ So Abraham’s servant follows him to the house, and Laban unloads and feeds the camels and gives Abraham’s men water to wash their feet.”
“Might wanna wash those oath-taking hands as well,” said the boy.
The man rolled his eyes. “Then food was served for them to eat, but Abraham’s servant tells them, ‘I will not eat until I have told about my errand.’ And so he explains the mission he’s on and tells the story of how this meeting with Rebekah came to be, concluding with the following,” said the man:
“I put the ring in her nose and the bracelets on her arms, and I bowed down and worshiped the Lord. I praised the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who had led me on the right road to get the granddaughter of my master’s brother for his son. Now if you will show kindness and faithfulness to my master, tell me. And if not, tell me, so I may know which way to turn.”104
Then Laban and Bethuel replied, “The matter has come from the Lord, so we cannot speak to you bad or good. Here is Rebekah before you, take her and go, and let her be the wife of your master’s son, as the Lord has spoken.”105
“Just like that, huh? Boy, people sure were trusting back then. Imagine if some guy bumped into your daughter at a grocery store and said he works for a rich man, and, ‘Would you mind if I took her away. Oh, and cellphones don’t work there so you’ll have no communication whatsoever. And sorry but we’ll have to be going now.’”
“Yes, these were times where the importance of marrying your daughter off to someone prominent was of great value to the family,” said the man. “So when Abraham’s servant hears this he bows to the Lord and brings gifts of jewelry and silver and gold to Rebekah’s family. They eat and drink all night in celebration, and in the morning they set off on the journey back to Isaac with her family’s blessing.” The man paused to clear his throat before reading on:
And Isaac went out to meditate in the field toward evening. And he lifted up his eyes and saw, and behold, there were camels coming.
And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she dismounted from the camel and said to the servant, “Who is that man, walking in the field to meet us?”
The servant said, “It is my master.” So she took her veil and covered herself.
And the servant told Isaac all the things that he had done.
Then Isaac brought her into the tent of Sarah his mother and took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her. So Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.106
The boy’s face scrunched in disbelief. In a nerdy voice he said, “Here’s where my mommy died. Will you comfort me by consummating our marriage on her bed?” Then he shook his head and said, “What a dreamboat. This is the weirdest story I’ve ever heard. I hope this is another one of your lessons on what not to do.”
“I believe the repositioning of Sarah’s funeral to Isaac’s marriage is to show us that as one generation goes, another blossoms,” said the man. “And moving Rebekah directly into the tent where the wife of the leader of the tribe formally dwelled is a symbol of her new place amongst who are soon to be Isaac’s people.”
“Uh-huh. And did you say Sarah was a hundred and twenty-seven when she died?”
“I did,” said the man.
“So that would make Isaac, what, forty?”
Cautiously, the man said, “About, yes.”
“No wonder his father was concerned. Isaac was following right in his footsteps living in his parent’s basement till he was seventy. And did you say Rebekah was around the same age?”
Hesitant to see where this was going, the man said, “Mhm.”
“So we’ve got a couple of forty-year-old cousin virgins, is what you’re telling me.”
With a sigh the man said, “Well we know Rebekah is a vir—”
“This story reminds me of a couple distant relatives that lived before the age of the internet,” said the boy, smiling as he stared off into the trees. “They couldn’t for the life of them figure out why they couldn’t conceive.” He restrained his laughter as he said, “For years they had trouble impregnating her colon.” The boy looked back to find a grave look of concern on the old man’s face. “Don’t worry,” he laughed, “they figured it out eventually. I just hope Abraham gave Isaac a lecture on the birds and the bees, or whatever they had back then.”
“You have to take into account the context of the times,” said the man. He was about to explain further but the boy raised his palm in the air.
“Just do me a favor.”
“What is it?” said the man.
“Promise me, if I’m ever about to marry my cousin, you’ll stop me.”
“Sure,” said the man.
“I don’t care how hot she is,” said the boy. “You promise?”
“I promise,” said the man.
“Good,” said the boy. Then he slowly stood and began to unzip his fly.