Internal Dialogue
The wedding day drew closer; all the while Patrick and I were getting together for spiritual premarital counseling with the leaders of the church and the married couple that was shepherding our relationship. The classes really brought home that marriage is serious, that it’s a covenant with my husband made before God and not to be taken lightly. God had chosen to bless us in this way. We were learning about what a godly marriage is and not what I thought it should be based on the world’s poor example.
The best part about all of this is that Patrick and I were pure and blameless before God. Out of our love for God and Christ we set boundaries in our relationship that were hard but completely worth it. In the final days leading up to our wedding, I was feeling an unspeakable joy that I can’t even explain, knowing that one day I would be united with my husband the way God intended. No regrets at all, not even one. There was nothing that tainted our relationship up to this point. Wearing a white dress was special. It’s really hard to even put into words how worthy I felt before God.
This was only possible through God, because Patrick and I had lived lives completely opposite of the one we were living now. For the majority of our lives we lived, like the sinners we are, for our own pleasure and following the desires of our flesh. What really attracted Patrick to me in that vacant lot in Chicago was the fact that I seemed like I had just come from being in the world. To him that meant he could relate to me. He saw that I once was one way, and that I chose a different way. That conference was only a few months after I became a disciple. I was learning so much and being transformed daily. Slowly my sinful nature was being revealed. You don’t just wake up and you’re perfect. It is a process, a transformation, and I’m still being transformed daily. So when I came out of the waters of baptism, a baby, the process began. It took time; I was at a different place spiritually than I am now, and I hope to be at an even better place in the future. That’s the name of the game. God takes me where I am but loves me enough to take me higher. So being able to wear a white wedding dress was the result of being a new creation that is all. It was a free gift from God. But let me say this: being pure before God wasn’t easy.
About two weeks before the wedding the anticipation of being united with Patrick sexually for the first time was more overwhelming than it had ever been. Striving to live my life to please God because of his love for me, meant that I needed to pray a lot about this, and I needed to pray urgently. Because of these temptations, I needed God to keep Patrick away from me as much as possible during the week leading up to our wedding day. It is just like God to answer my prayers—I barely saw Patrick the week before the wedding. God protected me when I got honest with him and myself, letting him know how hard this was for me and how I would actually prefer not to see Patrick. I mean, of course I would miss him. At the same time I knew myself enough to know that seeing Patrick was not good for me, so I didn’t. I had to focus on the joy set before me, taking delight in the fact that when the time did come for Pat and I to be intimate it would be well worth the wait. After about a week, the first time I saw Patrick was at the wedding rehearsal dinner with our friends and family; I had to see him then, right? As I remember now, Patrick and I had an argument during the rehearsal dinner. The stress of the wedding was clearly still on us. After the dinner, I didn’t see him face to face until I walked down the aisle.
The day before the wedding, a few of my closest friends and of course some of my bridesmaids joined me for massages, manicures and pedicures. The whole time I was getting the royal treatment, I was really in a different world. While I got my pedicure I felt as if this really wasn’t happening. I was there in the chair, but I really wasn’t there. So much was going through my mind. I also wondered what Patrick was doing.
The night before the big day I sat alone in my hotel room. My girlfriends slept in the room next to mine because I wanted a room to myself. I wanted to spend time with God on the very last night of being a single woman before him. I sat up in my bed, took out my journal and wrote out all of my feelings. I talked to God about our journey together up until this point. Here’s part of what I wrote:
10/12/13
Today is my wedding day! [It was after midnight.] …God, you are an amazing God, there is none greater than you, God. Thank you for Patrick, a man of God, my future husband…Can’t wait to be Mrs. Genova! To my kids, your mom is being blessed by God, make no mistake…Fairytales come true in Christ. I love your dad; he is the best gift God has given me.