The people built a mobile broadcast studio according to God’s requirements.38 They sat Moses at the microphone, and surrounding him were the carpeted walls, and two record players.39 In the windows of the RV hung the neon Ten Laws.40 Moses saw that the people did as God commanded, and Moses blessed them.41
32 02 Exo 33:11 And the LORD spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend. And he turned again into the camp: but his servant Joshua, the son of Nun, a young man, departed not out of the tabernacle.
33 02 Exo 34:01 And the LORD said unto Moses, Hew thee two tables of stone like unto the first: and I will write upon these tables the words that were in the first tables, which thou brakest. 34 02 Exo 34:02 And be ready in the morning, and come up in the morning unto mount Sinai, and present thyself there to me in the top of the mount.
35 02 Exo 34:03 And no man shall come up with thee, neither let any man be seen throughout all the mount; neither let the flocks nor herds feed before that mount.
36 02 Exo 34:28 And he was there with the LORD forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the ten commandments. 37 02 Exo 35:01 And Moses gathered all the congregation of the children of Israel together, and said unto them, These are the words which the LORD hath commanded, that ye should do them. 38 02 Exo 39:32 Thus was all the work of the tabernacle of the tent of the congregation finished: and the children of Israel did according to all that the LORD commanded Moses, so did they.
39 02 Exo 39:33 And they brought the tabernacle unto Moses, the tent, and all his furniture, his taches, his boards, his bars, and his pillars, and his sockets,
40 02 Exo 39:35 The ark of the testimony, and the staves thereof, and the mercy seat,
41 02 Exo 39:43 And Moses did look upon all the work, and, behold, they have done it as the LORD had commanded, even so had they done it: and Moses blessed them.
Two of Aaron’s sons, Nadab and Abihu, decided to transmit their own messages – though they didn’t have broadcast licenses. They rigged up the wiring, transmitter and microphone, and they sent out strange messages God hadn’t commanded.1 God caused the generator to catch fire, and Nadab and Abihu were consumed in the flames.2
Moses said to Aaron, “Yahweh said: ‘I will show myself holy to those who come near me, and I will be glorified before everyone.’”Aaron stayed quiet.3
Moses talked with Aaron and his two surviving sons, Eleazar and Ithamar. They met in the jock lounge (so named because disk jockeys relaxed there before going in front of the microphone). Moses said, “Don’t be excessive with mourning Nadab and Abihu. Let the Illinoisans mourn them.4 Don’t even leave the jock lounge now, because you’re Yahweh’s broadcasters. If you go on the air, you’ll die.”
They did as Moses wished.5God said to Aaron,6 “Don’t drink alcohol in the jock lounge. This will become a rule for all broadcasters.”7
God said to Moses, “Tell Aaron to not enter the broadcast RV – he especially shouldn’t sit in the broadcast chair. If he does, he will die. Vic is going to sit at the microphone.”8
1 03 Lev 10:01 And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took either of them his censer, and put fire therein, and put incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not.
2 03 Lev 10:02 And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD.
3 03 Lev 10:03 Then Moses said unto Aaron, This is it that the LORD spake, saying, I will be sanctified in them that come nigh me, and before all the people I will be glorified. And Aaron held his peace.
4 03 Lev 10:06 And Moses said unto Aaron, and unto Eleazar and unto Ithamar, his sons, Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye die, and lest wrath come upon all the people: but let your brethren, the whole house of Israel, bewail the burning which the LORD hath kindled.
5 03 Lev 10:07 And ye shall not go out from the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die: for the anointing oil of the LORD is upon you. And they did according to the word of Moses.
6 03 Lev 10:08 And the LORD spake unto Aaron, saying,
7 03 Lev 10:09 Do not drink wine nor strong drink, thou, nor thy sons with thee, when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations:
8 03 Lev 16:02 And the LORD said unto Moses, Speak unto Aaron thy brother, that he come not at all times into the holy place within the vail before the mercy seat, which is upon the ark; that he die not: for I will appear in the cloud upon the mercy seat.
The Illinoisans began murmuring their discontent. God was angry about this, so he let most of them catch a burning skin disease and die.9 The Illinoisans cried to Moses. Moses prayed to God, and the disease subsided.10 The name of that place was Mohave Valley, Arizona – a stop on Route 66.11
A little later, the Illinoisans said they were hungry. They asked, “How can we get some chicken?12 We remember the fish fries in Alabama – we put onions and garlic on the fish.13 We’re tired of Manna’s Restaurant!”14
Moses talked with God on this subject. God said, “Prepare your people. Tomorrow, they will enjoy bird.”15Moses replied, “I’m leading 60,000 people. You’re saying you can feed bird to all of us?”16
God said, “Am I suddenly without resources? You will see.”17
The next morning, attention centered on the huge chicken ranch nearby. This farm gave the Illinoisans all their birds.18 The Illinoisans plucked chickens all that day, night, and the next day. Those who did the least had 10 chickens. They roasted the birds everywhere in the camp.19
9 04 Num 11:01 And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp.
10 04 Num 11:02 And the people cried unto Moses; and when Moses prayed unto the LORD, the fire was quenched.
11 04 Num 11:03 And he called the name of the place Taberah: because the fire of the LORD burnt among them.
12 04 Num 11:04 And the mixt multitude that was among them fell a lusting: and the children of Israel also wept again, and said, Who shall give us flesh to eat?
13 04 Num 11:05 We remember the fish, which we did eat in Egypt freely; the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlick:
14 04 Num 11:06 But now our soul is dried away: there is nothing at all, beside this manna, before our eyes.
15 04 Num 11:18 And say thou unto the people, Sanctify yourselves against to morrow, and ye shall eat flesh: for ye have wept in the ears of the LORD, saying, Who shall give us flesh to eat? for it was well with us in Egypt: therefore the LORD will give you flesh, and ye shall eat.
16 04 Num 11:21 And Moses said, The people, among whom I am, are six hundred thousand footmen; and thou hast said, I will give them flesh, that they may eat a whole month.
17 04 Num 11:23 And the LORD said unto Moses, Is the LORD’s hand waxed short? thou shalt see now whether my word shall come to pass unto thee or not.
18 04 Num 11:31 And there went forth a wind from the LORD, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day’s journey on this side, and as it were a day’s journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth.
19 04 Num 11:32 And the people stood up all that day, and all that night, and all the next day, and they gathered the quails: he that gathered least gathered ten homers: and they spread them all abroad for themselves round about the camp.
While the people ate, God grew angry with them, so he sent a deadly virus through hundreds of them.20 The name of that place was the Grand Canyon. There, they buried people who wanted to eat chicken.21 From the Grand Canyon, the people took Route 66 to Two Guns, Arizona, and stayed there.22
20 04 Num 11:33 And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague.
21 04 Num 11:34 And he called the name of that place Kibroth-hattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted.
22 04 Num 11:35 And the people journeyed from Kibroth-hattaavah unto Hazeroth; and abode at Hazeroth.
Miriam and Aaron spoke against Moses because of the Florida lady Moses married.1 They asked, “Has Yahweh really only spoken with Moses? Hasn’t he also spoken with us?”
God heard this.2 Moses was the most humble man on earth.3Yahweh spoke suddenly to Moses, Aaron, and Miriam: “The three of you – go to the jock lounge now.”
They did so.4 There was a knock at the jock lounge door. When they opened it, there stood Vegas Vic. He said to Aaron and Miriam,5 “Listen to me. If there is a prophet among you two, I will speak with you in a dream.6 Moses is the exception, because he is so faithful.7 I will talk with him directly. So, why do you speak against him?”8
Vic was angry with them. He left.9 Miriam stepped out of the lounge, and a white car skidded out of control and hit Miriam. She was seriously injured.10Aaron said to Moses, “Oh, please don’t let this happen. We were foolish.11 I pray to you: Cure Miriam.”12
Moses cried to Yahweh, saying, “Heal her, God, I beg you.”13
1 04 Num 12:01 And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses because of the Ethiopian woman whom he had married: for he had married an Ethiopian woman.
2 04 Num 12:02 And they said, Hath the LORD indeed spoken only by Moses? hath he not spoken also by us? And the LORD heard it.
3 04 Num 12:03 (Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.)
4 04 Num 12:04 And the LORD spake suddenly unto Moses, and unto Aaron, and unto Miriam, Come out ye three unto the tabernacle of the congregation. And they three came out.
5 04 Num 12:05 And the LORD came down in the pillar of the cloud, and stood in the door of the tabernacle, and called Aaron and Miriam: and they both came forth.
6 04 Num 12:06 And he said, Hear now my words: If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will make myself known unto him in a vision, and will speak unto him in a dream.
7 04 Num 12:07 My servant Moses is not so, who is faithful in all mine house.
8 04 Num 12:08 With him will I speak mouth to mouth, even apparently, and not in dark speeches; and the similitude of the LORD shall he behold: wherefore then were ye not afraid to speak against my servant Moses?
9 04 Num 12:09 And the anger of the LORD was kindled against them; and he departed.
10 04 Num 12:10 And the cloud departed from off the tabernacle; and, behold, Miriam became leprous, white as snow: and Aaron looked upon Miriam, and, behold, she was leprous.
11 04 Num 12:11 And Aaron said unto Moses, Alas, my lord, I beseech thee, lay not the sin upon us, wherein we have done foolishly, and wherein we have sinned.
12 04 Num 12:12 Let her not be as one dead, of whom the flesh is half consumed when he cometh out of his mother’s womb.
13 04 Num 12:13 And Moses cried unto the LORD, saying, Heal her now, O God, I beseech thee.
They did this, and the people didn’t travel until Miriam returned.15 Afterward, the people left Two Guns, Arizona, and set up camp in the Navaho Reservation.16
14 04 Num 12:14 And the LORD said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days? let her be shut out from the camp seven days, and after that let her be received in again.
15 04 Num 12:15 And Miriam was shut out from the camp seven days: and the people journeyed not till Miriam was brought in again.
16 04 Num 12:16 And afterward the people removed from Hazeroth, and pitched in the wilderness of Paran.
God said to Moses,1 “Send men to spy on Illinois.”2
During this time they were all in the New Mexico desert, and certain men prepared to follow God’s orders.3
Moses said to them, “Go east on Route 66 until you reach Amarillo, Texas. At the Mountain Store you’ll find Illinois maps and tourist information.4 Then, drive to Illinois. See the racists living there, and tell me: Are they tough? Are there many of them?5 And, the towns: What are they like?6 And, the ground: Is it fertile? Be courageous – and informative.”7
The spies traveled to Amarillo, and then they drove to eastern Kansas. Their spying increased the closer they got to the chosen state.8 They went northeast and reached Springfield, Illinois (Abraham Lincoln’s hometown). The Springfielders lived there.9 After 40 days, they returned from their spying.10
Back in the New Mexico desert, they approached Moses, Aaron, and all the Illinoisans. The spies showed items they obtained.11 They said, “We came back from Illinois, and it’s very fertile – here’s some Illinois corn.12 But the racists there are powerful. Their towns have police forces, and they can call out the state militia anytime.
1 04 Num 13:01 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,
2 04 Num 13:02 Send thou men, that they may search the land of Canaan, which I give unto the children of Israel: of every tribe of their fathers shall ye send a man, every one a ruler among them.
3 04 Num 13:03 And Moses by the commandment of the LORD sent them from the wilderness of Paran: all those men were heads of the children of Israel.
4 04 Num 13:17 And Moses sent them to spy out the land of Canaan, and said unto them, Get you up this way southward, and go up into the mountain:
5 04 Num 13:18 And see the land, what it is; and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many;
6 04 Num 13:19 And what the land is that they dwell in, whether it be good or bad; and what cities they be that they dwell in, whether in tents, or in strong holds;
7 04 Num 13:20 And what the land is, whether it be fat or lean, whether there be wood therein, or not. And be ye of good courage, and bring of the fruit of the land. Now the time was the time of the firstripe grapes.
8 04 Num 13:21 So they went up, and searched the land from the wilderness of Zin unto Rehob, as men come to Hamath.
9 04 Num 13:22 And they ascended by the south, and came unto Hebron; where Ahiman, Sheshai, and Talmai, the children of Anak, were. (Now Hebron was built seven years before Zoan in Egypt.)
10 04 Num 13:25 And they returned from searching of the land after forty days.
11 04 Num 13:26 And they went and came to Moses, and to Aaron, and to all the congregation of the children of Israel, unto the wilderness of Paran, to Kadesh; and brought back word unto them, and unto all the congregation, and shewed them the fruit of the land.
12 04 Num 13:27 And they told him, and said, We came unto the land whither thou sentest us, and surely it floweth with milk and honey; and this is the fruit of it.
“We saw the Springfielders in the center of Illinois.13 Hannibal, Missouri (Mark Twain’s hometown) is in the northeast on the Mississippi. The racists live on the Illinois side of the Mississippi.”14
Caleb was one of the spies. He excited the people by saying, “Let’s overrun Illinois – we definitely can.”15But other spies with Caleb said, “We can’t beat them. They’re more powerful than we are.”16 These men produced a phony report that said, “We saw Illinois, and it destroys everyone who goes in there. The residents are strong.”17
All the Illinoisans worried about this report.18 They whispered against Moses and Aaron, and finally said to them, “We wish we had died in Alabama – it’s better than being in the New Mexico desert.19 Why does Yahweh want us to get killed in Illinois? Our wives and kids will be hunted down. Shouldn’t we just drive back to Alabama?”20
They said one to another, “Let’s vote on a new leader, and we’ll return to Alabama.”2113 04 Num 13:28 Nevertheless the people be strong that dwell in the land, and the cities are walled, and very great: and moreover we saw the children of Anak there.
14 04 Num 13:29 The Amalekites dwell in the land of the south: and the Hittites, and the Jebusites, and the Amorites, dwell in the mountains: and the Canaanites dwell by the sea, and by the coast of Jordan.
15 04 Num 13:30 And Caleb stilled the people before Moses, and said, Let us go up at once, and possess it; for we are well able to overcome it.
16 04 Num 13:31 But the men that went up with him said, We be not able to go up against the people; for they are stronger than we.
17 04 Num 13:32 And they brought up an evil report of the land which they had searched unto the children of Israel, saying, The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature.
18 04 Num 14:01 And all the congregation lifted up their voice, and cried; and the people wept that night.
19 04 Num 14:02 And all the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron: and the whole congregation said unto them, Would God that we had died in the land of Egypt! or would God we had died in this wilderness!
20 04 Num 14:03 And wherefore hath the LORD brought us unto this land, to fall by the sword, that our wives and our children should be a prey? were it not better for us to return into Egypt?
21 04 Num 14:04 And they said one to another, Let us make a captain, and let us return into Egypt.
Moses and Aaron pleaded with the Illinoisans.22 Joshua and Caleb, two of the Illinois spies, were upset.23 The two said, “It’s a very good state.24 If Yahweh approves of us, he’ll get us in there.25 We can’t betray Yahweh or fear the racists.”26
But the Illinoisans wanted to shoot Joshua, Caleb and the other followers. Suddenly, Vic walked out of the jock lounge RV and was seen by all the Illinoisans.27
Vic had a one-on-one meeting with Moses and asked, “How long will these people hate me? And this, after I showed them all the signs.28 I’m going to wipe them out, and I’ll give you a new and better people.”29
Moses replied, “If you do, the Alabamans will read about it in their newspapers.30 They already saw you on their TV news shows.31 All America will hear about you killing the Illinoisans, and they’ll say:32
‘Because Yahweh couldn’t put these people in Illinois, he slaughtered them in the desert.’33“Please, be your old great self34 and forgive these people.”35 God said, “I forgive them because you say so.36 But, those who won’t redeem themselves won’t see the state I promised them.37 However, my good follower Caleb – he will drive into Illinois.38 All the other Illinoisans will travel through the farmland to Hannibal, Missouri and see the racists who live over the Mississippi in Illinois.39 But, the Illinoisans won’t set foot in Illinois – only Caleb and Joshua can go there.40 And, those who don’t repent will die in the farmland.41 All of you will wander 40 months, and you can think about how you continually prostitute yourselves.”42
22 04 Num 14:05 Then Moses and Aaron fell on their faces before all the assembly of the congregation of the children of Israel.
23 04 Num 14:06 And Joshua the son of Nun, and Caleb the son of Jephunneh, which were of them that searched the land, rent their clothes:
24 04 Num 14:07 And they spake unto all the company of the children of Israel, saying, The land, which we passed through to search it, is an exceeding good land.
25 04 Num 14:08 If the LORD delight in us, then he will bring us into this land, and give it us; a land which floweth with milk and honey.
26 04 Num 14:09 Only rebel not ye against the LORD, neither fear ye the people of the land; for they are bread for us: their defence is departed from them, and the LORD is with us: fear them not.
27 04 Num 14:10 But all the congregation bade stone them with stones. And the glory of the LORD appeared in the tabernacle of the congregation before all the children of Israel.
28 04 Num 14:11 And the LORD said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? and how long will it be ere they believe me, for all the signs which I have shewed among them?
29 04 Num 14:12 I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they.
30 04 Num 14:13 And Moses said unto the LORD, Then the Egyptians shall hear it, (for thou broughtest up this people in thy might from among them;)
31 04 Num 14:14 And they will tell it to the inhabitants of this land: for they have heard that thou LORD art among this people, that thou LORD art seen face to face, and that thy cloud standeth over them, and that thou goest before them, by day time in a pillar of a cloud, and in a pillar of fire by night.
32 04 Num 14:15 Now if thou shalt kill all this people as one man, then the nations which have heard the fame of thee will speak, saying,
33 04 Num 14:16 Because the LORD was not able to bring this people into the land which he sware unto them, therefore he hath slain them in the wilderness.
34 04 Num 14:17 And now, I beseech thee, let the power of my Lord be great, according as thou hast spoken, saying,
The Illinoisans traveled and camped outside Hannibal, Missouri. Along the way, Moses told the Illinoisans about Vic’s anger, and the Illinoisans were sad.45 They got up early the next morning, stood together, and said, “Yes, we’re sinners. Now, we’ll drive into Illinois – the state Yahweh promised us.”46
Moses replied, “You’re defying Yahweh again!47 Don’t go into Illinois now, because Yahweh won’t be with you, and our enemies will destroy you.48 The Hannibalians and the racists are right there, and you’ll all be shot dead.”49
35 04 Num 14:18 The LORD is longsuffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.
36 04 Num 14:20 And the LORD said, I have pardoned according to thy word:
37 04 Num 14:23 Surely they shall not see the land which I sware unto their fathers, neither shall any of them that provoked me see it:
38 04 Num 14:24 But my servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him, and hath followed me fully, him will I bring into the land whereinto he went; and his seed shall possess it.
39 04 Num 14:25 (Now the Amalekites and the Canaanites dwelt in the valley.) To morrow turn you, and get you into the wilderness by the way of the Red sea.
40 04 Num 14:30 Doubtless ye shall not come into the land, concerning which I sware to make you dwell therein, save Caleb the son of Jephunneh, and Joshua the son of Nun.
41 04 Num 14:32 But as for you, your carcases, they shall fall in this wilderness.
42 04 Num 14:33 And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness.
43 04 Num 14:36 And the men, which Moses sent to search the land, who returned, and made all the congregation to murmur against him, by bringing up a slander upon the land,
44 04 Num 14:37 Even