Month after month, I continued to paint with Jesus. Consciously knowing that God was using my hands to paint made me wonder if I was ready or able to let him do exactly what he wanted to be painted. At times, I was too self-conscious. I did not want to mess up his work. I sometimes even threw a fit. I did not want to face the challenge.
Jesus was so patient with me. He had to calm me down and show me that he was with me and that he was able to use me. At times he had to push me to go to the canvas. He often reminded me how we had painted for years before I knew him in my mind. It was not easy for Jesus to just pick up the brush and paint with my hands.
I am not a confident person. Very often I have to be reminded by others that I am gifted in some ways. Even then, I could not see it like others did. So Jesus had to show me what I could do with him. He painted with me a whole year, nine paintings. I gradually experienced his being able to use me as his instrument. I fell ever more in love with him. He was much loving, patient and humble with me.
The paintings were not just messages to me and us, as you will see soon. They also were my training for this book. In making the paintings with him, I gradually became better at allowing Jesus to use me as his instrument. I became more and more connected to him. I became most certain of our connection. I trusted him ever more. I began to realize that I could hear him, feel his feelings and follow his lead.
I also noticed that others experienced his presence in the paintings. The comments viewers made when they saw the paintings confirmed that Jesus was successfully using me. It made me more willing to let go to him. The more I let go to him the more we were able to connect, relate and to communicate. It got to the point that I was telling people around me, “Jesus has officially moved in with me!” He had really moved in. “I am living with an invisible man,” I said. Our relationship was ever increasingly real.
I am going to share with you some of the paintings Jesus did with my hands. I will give you some information about things that happened in between the creation of each painting, so you understand his points in the paintings. You will see the paintings tell a story of action. Jesus always communicates with us through action. He is about action. He came to Earth to act out his humble, harmless, patient, unconditional and eternal love to us. It is repeated in two words over and over, “Fear Not.”
For each painting Jesus gave me a subject matter. For example, he told me he was going to paint himself, his portrait, through me. He would gradually prepare me for the subject of the painting. In the process of painting, he would gradually reveal the elements and the images. I never knew what going to be the final product. I had to remain connected to here and now in order to hear and to follow him. It was important to Jesus to communicate with me through actions as if we were on a journey.
At the end of each painting, when I looked at the final product, I was looking at it as if Jesus had just illustrated a journey. I was aware that he did it. I said “wow,” and put the painting on the wall. I looked at his painting. I recalled our communications. Looking at the painting on the wall, I gradually discovered what the painting meant. It was like I was watching an illustrated story, or as Jesus put it, “a painted parable.”
Here is Jesus’ self-portrait as I told you about.
In the second painting, Jesus asked me to do something unconventional. I knew the painting would involve a nude figure. I did not know what it was about. After it was all done, I realized Jesus had me paint Eve or something similar. I saw, like you will see, that the figure was powerful. She was crushing a serpent and certainly not feeling guilt, shame or fear. I sure was illustrating a story told by Jesus. I was captivated.
I should mention that at the time we created the painting I did not know a dove was a symbol for the Holy Spirit. Later, a viewer told me that doves represent the Holy Spirit.Soon enough, I understood why Jesus told me the painting was going to be unconventional. I noticed that the female in the painting was illustrated as solid, devoted, confident, and loving, with a little baby imitating her. Above all, she is holding a crucifix in a way as if she and the crucifix were related, or one.
Of course, I realized the painting was controversial. Jesus surely got my attention. What is most evident in the painting is the woman having no fear, guilt or shame. Perhaps she represented how Jesus wants all of us to feel and to know, “Fear Not.”
I should mention that Jesus did not give me a title for this painting.
Jesus used me as his instrument to do two paintings of Mary. One turned out to be when Mary was probably in her early thirties. The other turned out to be of Mary when she was young and pregnant with Jesus. He did not want me to imagine his face while painting Mary. Of course, mother and son look alike. In order for Jesus to paint it successfully, I had to block out his face while painting Mary. I had to let him paint her. So he did. When I saw the final products, I could see how much they resembled one another.
With the next painting, Jesus blew me away. At the time I painted it, I had no idea I would write a book with him. I was feeling too weak to be his instrument. When I was asked to start this painting, I had in mind painting something like Jesus being clean on the cross, with not much wounds. I thought the scene would be in the daytime. When I finished the painting and stepped back to see it, I said, “wow!” I was surprised. It was so dramatic. It was nighttime instead of day. Jesus was bleeding, bruised, and crucified. A bride had kissed his wound. She had blood on her lips.
Even though I hung it on the wall to see, I tried to avoid looking at the painting. I had a hard time looking at it for a few days. It was too strong and too loaded. Jesus was in so much pain. He looked so vulnerable, humble… It hurt me to watch him like that. I did not understand why he painted himself like that. It was certainly a very strong parable.
I could feel his pain in his communications. Jesus was very open about it. The painting he made is so real. It was so graphic. He expressed his position, his feelings and his pain in the painting. It went through me so deeply. He was trying to show me how he has been feeling for thousands of years. He has been so humble and passionate. He has and consistently gone out of his way for humanity to accept his LOVE. A love that is eternal, infinite and unconditional.
Looking at the painting, I finally had to accept the Truth. Jesus’ pain did not end after he left Earth. He physically suffered for us on Earth. He feels the pain of each and every one of us. Our pain is his pain. He wants to help us. He wants to take our fears away. Jesus wants us to understand that if we let him he will do anything for humanity.
After that painting, I realized Jesus wanted me to do something for him. He asked me to serve as his instrument to talk to his children, humanity. I had so eternally fallen in love with Jesus. Oh, when you know him, you will know. Jesus is LOVE. You will fall in love with him ever more. It is so real. And we all can feel it once we open up to him. He is pure and true love.
Sometime after I completed the painting, Jesus mentioned I should write a book. I was not at all prepared for the task. I felt unable. After this painting, knowing how Jesus needs to express himself to humanity, and knowing how much our suffering makes him suffer, I wanted to be his instrument. I surrendered myself to him to use me as his instrument. Though I did not feel I could write a book, I knew Jesus was able to use me. I was willing to do anything for him. And Jesus knew I wanted all humanity to know him and to feel loved by him.
The next painting is the same as the one above. But the photo was taken from a different angle. Let me tell you, Jesus is amazing.
I mentioned in the Introduction of this book that when I thought I did not believe in God I used to listen to Moonlight by Beethoven. The song somehow reached my soul. It knew God. I felt the song was speaking God’s love for me and mine for him. I could even feel God’s pain. I just did not know what the feeling was, or what is was called. I was not in my mind, consciously connected with him yet. But Moonlight by Beethoven tapped into my soul each time I listened. I felt in my spirit what I did not know in my mind.
I recalled when I first met the priest who baptized me. He used a parable to explain how I could connect with and see God. “God is reflected like the moonlight, the light of the sun,” he said.After I remembered all that, the song and what my priest told me, I noticed something about this painting. One morning, as usual, I was sitting on my couch drinking my coffee and being with Jesus. The painting from the previous page was hanging in the dining room. I was seated in the living room. I noticed that the moon in the painting was actually on Jesus’ crucified body. I realized the yellow light that lit the dining room on the ceiling, which is to the far right of the painting, acted like the sun and its light reflected on the moon in the painting in a way that the white light from the moon shined on Jesus’ body.
The photo on the previous page was taken from the frontal view. The photo on the next page was taken from an angle that shows the moon in the painting shining on Jesus. Do not ask me how it was arranged. Jesus is the painter. I could not believe my eyes the first time I noticed it. The painting surely is about Moonlight and so much more. The white light from the moon in the painting is internal. It is as if the painting is a live in-depth scene.
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Jesus asked me to paint him and me together. He had already asked to use me as his instrument to write his book. I was afraid I was not qualified, as I told you before. The purpose of next painting was to inspire me, as I discovered after the painting was completed.
I did not know what we were going to look like together in the painting or what we would be doing. Jesus gave me a visual image of us holding hands. Before I started to paint, I thought we would be both in white clothing, standing frontal. But I found him painting himself differently. He painted me holding his hand walking with him very close to one another. We were walking in the midst of a white light.
When I hung the finished painting on the wall, I saw myself looking like a child holding Jesus’ hand tight. This painting seemed to be about Jesus and me going on a journey. He wanted me to feel safe. He was telling me to consider writing his book a “journey.” He illustrated in the painting how close he would walk with me and guide me. He convinced me that though I felt unable, he was able to use me as his instrument. I knew he wanted to speak to humanity. I knew he was sharing the sufferings each and every human experiences. He wanted to help each and every one of us. He wanted to give himself to each and every one of us. And I wanted all humanity to know him and to feel loved by him.
I was a ready and willing instrument. I began to write the book about a week after this painting was finished.
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