Introduction
I started writing about 10 years ago in order to provide a system in which I could remember the events I experienced and truths I discovered. The choices I have made in my life have taken me to a point where it seems impossible to understand what has happened. Mysteries have become a huge portion of what my life has turned out to be. I realize seeking truth has always been a priority in my life, but why has that created so many problems?
"The positive thing about writing is that you connect with yours elf in the deepest way, and that's heaven. You get a chance to know who you are, to know what you think. You begin to have a relationship with your mind."-- Natalie Goldberg
My writing has shown me who I may be. I thought I knew part of my identity all along, but what I saw was the reflection of who I am. I viewed my strengths as weaknesses, even though I did not "own" the concept of weakness. As I wrote, I would ask myself why I did not find confidence in my strengths and make a total commitment. I felt as though I had a core of strength, and that I just needed to get to a point where I understood what was happening. I needed a comfort zone...to know that I am part of something good.
Reflection
Why did I never feel satisfied with myself? Sure, it would seem that my mother made that happen...and of course she did. But why would I let that stop me? I had many interests that offered me a chance at great success in life. I just didn't care. Although I was able to create a future for me, it was just a matter of time before it was not enough. Success in our society comes at a personal cost...one that requires us to compromise our identity. Money is what our society wants, and generally we have to follow a path that we would normally avoid.
A psychologist can make a list of life's influencing factors and our reactions. Much of that study may be realistic, but it is all built upon a foundation comprised of a subliminal obsession. I wanted my future to be supported by a foundation of truth. My faith was inves