My Journey
After Jessica’s departure I took a long hard look at the man reflected in the mirror and I didn’t like what I saw. The only thing I knew at that moment in time was that I wanted Jessica back, her words had had a profound impact on me but I knew that I was in no state to get her back, not in my current condition.
I was a twenty–two year old drunkard, who slept with prostitutes, beat up women, had no faith and still didn’t know who he was.
My first transformation came just before my twenty–third birthday because that’s when I saw it a self-help book. The cover promised to help me find the real me and to unlock my hidden potential.
I bought it on the spot and read it within a week at the end of the week I felt like a different man. I stopped drinking and trolling for sex partners because these things were distractions, distractions which were keeping me from discovering the real me.
I had to focus on me so I could discover me.
That became my new mantra I had to focus on me to discover me so I cut out all things which I thought were distracting me and for me that was women and booze after six months I felt that I was ready, I knew who I was, what I wanted and how to get it so that’s what I did and man it was great I was making great money, had great friends, didn’t drink as much as I used to and didn’t sleep with as many women as I used to but the best part was that I was now embarking on what would be a great relationship.
Yes folks time to introduce you to another of my girlfriends her name was Sarah.
Sarah and I had a great relationship and it was because we had the same views on life, having met at one of my self-help seminars. We both believed in the power of me.
What fools we were.
We both foolishly believed that as long as you believe in yourself, you could do anything, everything else be damned.
So we were together for nearly three years which according to most people is ample time to know someone and which according to her friends was too long to be with someone who wouldn’t marry you.
So one day she broached the subject of our marriage and I did it I proposed, I did the thing which had scared me for all these years I made a vow to someone to spend the rest of my life with her.
And I was scared shirtless, I don’t know what it was but the closer we got to the wedding the more scared I got, believe it or not I hadn’t even told my parents of my upcoming nuptial’s.
I was scared.
We were only three weeks away from the wedding when she pulled out of it, her reason she didn’t know who I was and what I stood for.
I was gutted, how could she say that? I was John Phillips, manager, friend of many and the man who wanted to marry her that was who I was but I guess it just wasn’t enough.
I had my second meltdown after this but this time I didn’t turn towards booze or self-help guru’s this time I turned to me.
After nearly six years I spoke to the man above but it didn’t start that way I was practicing one of the techniques I’d learned from the self-help experts. I was pacing my apartment asking myself questions when I heard it.
If you were expecting me to say the voice of God then think again, in these wee hours of the morning as I paced the room asking myself what had went wrong I heard my own voice and it told me exactly where I had gone wrong.
You stopped listening to the voice of God.
That was it just one sentence I stopped listening so I got on my knees and I prayed a simple prayer yet the most powerful prayer I know; the Lord’s prayer but even after I’d said it I didn’t feel that it was enough so I confessed.
I confessed to the only being whose forgiveness I truly sought God. I talked to him as I did in my youth when he was still my best friend.
What I said to the Lord on that day wasn’t a prayer really more like a conversation and each time the Lord responded in my own voice because the whole time I was searching and looking for answers which were right there in front of me the whole time all I had to do was look and listen.
On that day my father’s proverb reverberated in my ears, “when the devil knocks on your door it will be loud enough to draw your attention and the attention of those around you and when he enters your house he will enter with all his friends in an attempt to bring about your downfall. But when the Lord knocks at your door it will only be loud enough to draw your attention and when he enters He will be by Himself as He has already sent his angels to watch over you. Even when you lose faith in him he will never lose faith in you.”
On that day I experienced it for myself for the past six years I had let the devil and his agents dictate the way I lived my life. I had left my home in order to find myself but during the entire process I had actually managed to lose myself and on that day I decided to find myself and the way to do that was to get back to basics.
I went to church and it felt so good, it was like nothing I’d ever experienced before it was good, right and natural.
I went to church every Monday, Wednesday and Sunday and it was great but even then I still felt as if something were missing and one Wednesday evening I found that missing piece, Diana from the second I saw her I knew that my search for myself was over from that day forward I would be John Harold Phillips her husband, the man who would spend every day of his life from now on trying to make her happy. I guess I should have listened to my brother all those years ago.
When I first saw her it was like, I’m laughing as I type this because even to this day I still find it hard to describe what I felt.
The best way to put it is that it felt like I was hit by a bus and somehow I was able to walk away but before I got too far I was hit by another bus again I managed to walk away but then I was hit by a train.
It was a feeling that was both painful and pleasurable at the same time, when I left the church that day I knew that she was the one but before I could speak to her she was gone and with her disappearance came a physical pain.
I attended church regularly after that almost on a daily basis, went to all the church functions I could attend, my attendance was almost obsessive until the awful realization came to me that I might never see her again and with that realization I started to believe that a person could actually die from a broken heart.
But you know that old saying God happens while you are busy making plans and while I was busy making plans He happened and one day I saw her again it was completely unexpected but so wonderful and right all at the same time, He’d come through for me He’d know that what I needed was her so I stood there gaping at her like a love-sick teenager until she caught me and walked up to me and her first words to me were completely unexpected, I thought she’d say something about how she’d caught me looking at her and she didn’t know what it was but there was something about me, instead she walked up to me and said, “why don’t you take a picture it will last longer you weirdo.” Then she walked away and the thought that I might never see her again made me act I went after her but even as I was following her I was hit by doubt.
My mind was in two places one half wanted me to follow her and strike up a conversation with her while the other wanted me to turn back, with each step I took forward the voice grew louder.
Where do you think you’re going? It taunted me, the girl already thinks that you’re some weird stalker type don’t make it worse turn around; you’ve already embarrassed yourself enough. But I ignored it and instead focused on the voice which was egging me on the voice which said to me that she was my future.
I walked up to her and tapped her on the shoulder when she saw that it was me she gave me this look like I can’t believe this what do you want now?
And for twenty minutes we had a great conversation, at least that’s what I thought, because just as we were entering the heart of the conversation she turned and walked away to join a group of her friends.
Now you can imagine how I felt and as I walked away that same voice which had taunted me came back, I told you this would happen now you’ve gone and made it ten times worse congratulations idiot.
And as I walked away from her I knew that it was right I was an idiot how could I think that someone as special as her would have any interest in me, never mind the fact that I knew absolutely nothing about her I knew she was special. So I returned home and I did some soul searching I asked myself why God would show me this angel and then take her away from me.
How could He be so cruel? I mean what could I have possibly done to deserve such a cruel and unusual punishment? I felt like a man who was dying of thirst who’d been led to a pool of water and was told that I could look at it all I want but I could never taste it and so I died.
But even as I was berating God and the lot he’d given me I already knew the answer to my question but as usual I was too stupid to just look and more importantly listen, so it went for a couple of months my attendance at church decreased so instead of going three times a week now I only went once a week on Sundays.
It was on a Sunday that I finally found the answer to the question I had asked when Diana walked away from me, the service had just ended and I was outside looking at the churches’ message board when a saw it a wedding announcement:
Yes the original wedding announcement was fancier then this but at the time I didn’t care about all those things all I could think about was that she was getting married that I’d lost her and as I stumbled out of the church I looked like a wounded animal.
As I was stumbling out of the church I bumped into her once again I had that sensation I described earlier of being hit by a train. She looked at me with such concern that I almost burst into tears but I held back and allowed her to lead me to a sheltered alcove where we sat in silence for ten minutes.
It was one of those comfortable silences, the type you get when you’re with someone and just having their company is enough a word need not be spoken. The types of silences I’d seen between my mother and father when they are just content with being with each other and words would only spoil it.
I’d regained my composure by this time and I offered her my congratulations once more she gave that look of are you okay in the head? Seeing the puzzled look on her face I told her that it was with regards to her upcoming nuptials that’s when she laughed.
Oh, what a wonderful sound, light, like bells being shaken gentle that laugh sent shivers down my spine and made me smile all at the same time. I didn’t care what or why she was laughing I was just happy to be there, to be a part of it and to be the cause of it all at once. When she eventually stopped she explained that I was offering my congratulations to the wrong Walker.
My heart was doing somersaults but my mind warned me and told me to not get too excited for all I know she could have a boyfriend, fiancée or worst of all a husband. So I stilled my beating heart and let my mind lead the way as I listened to her explain that JD Walker was her sister Jessica Doreen Walker apparently all her siblings had the initials JD in one variation or another hers was Diana Joan Walker but once more before we could really discover each other she was snatched away from me.
As I sat there digesting the information I had just received when it finally clicked, Jessica that was the reason why God had shown me Diana and taken her away from me.
Now after all these years my treatment of her was coming back to me and in the days and weeks that followed I finally understood how she’d felt and I knew that until I made things right with her I could never be happy and so my search for the woman who I had once thought was the one started.
I spent all my free time searching for Jessica but no matter whom I spoke to no one knew where I could find her. It was just starting to hit me the pain and suffering that I had put Jessica through, I’m sure we’ve all experienced it unrequited love.
It means love which is not reciprocated or returned, I finally understood how she’d felt and it hurt like hell, but I was determined in my mind the only way to get Diana would be through Jessica’s forgiveness.
So as I’ve said earlier I looked for Jessica everywhere and I was about to give up because I’d told myself that this was my punishment and had resigned myself to a life of loneliness and misery with no hope of ever finding love again.
When one day out of the blue an old friend of mine and Jessica’s called, let’s call him Paul:
Paul: “Johnno how you doing man.”
Me: “Hey Paul, good to hear from you, man how many years has it been?”
Paul: “Too long man, too long.”
Me: “Yeah it has, so how are things with you?”
Paul: “Ah! John as much as I would love to chat right now is kind of a bad time.”
Me: “Okay. What can I do for you?”
Paul: “Nothing, more of what I can do for you, I hear you’re looking for Jessica.”
Me: “Yeah know where I can find her?”
Paul: “Sure do.”
Paul gave me Jessica’s address and I started making plans, because I hadn’t learnt my lesson yet. But there was still one part of my conversation with Paul that was still bothering me after he’d given me her address he said. “This will be a real treat for her she always says that you’re the best thing to have ever happened to her.”
As I prepared to go to Jessica’s place I started devising plans of how to deal with her obviously she still had a thing for me why else would she say that I was the best thing to have ever happened to her?