I’m self-conscious now. My sense of privacy is gone. Now I have to remember if I feel a certain way did I feel like that way before this all happened.
But there are these very long stretches where there’s nothing. Like after Joshua – the severe time - the trauma remained. But now it’s not – heavy. So God allowed me to get my book. I didn’t have to deal with more than I could handle, and again, I got my book.
I remember in the beginning God asking me something like did I want it to stop and me feeling guilty because I did, but I didn’t, because I wanted my book. I was determined that my experience would not be nothing more than my own humiliation. I wanted him exposed. I felt guilty for wanting to deal with him to get my book. God helped me get my book.
Yes, I allowed myself to be further disrespected and God kept me from getting hurt. Because I wanted people to know what he did to me because it was WRONG! Just like with Job, he’s always up to something dirty. But he wanted me to be mad at God and it burns him that I’m not cause all these weeks he’s talking about God -
“If HE loved you HE wouldn’t let this happen. They’re lying to you. Why is HE letting me do this?”
“Ha! Sucka! Do you know how much God has done for me? I can take this hit, punk cause I love God!”
And he does this all the time! But that’s okay. (wink) I'm gonna tell everybody what a pervectly, pervity, pervaceous weirdo he is. Absolutely pervtacular. Let me say for the record that he is a very nasty fellow. He's very old yet with the access that God has given him, one would expect a mix of things, but instead of using wisdom, he’s 83% perv and 12% expose and 5% “what if this happened, what if Jesus tried to kill his Father” type fantasy BS. Which leaves me to the thought that where he cones from maybe that's normal.
Maybe God thinks we “normal” people are pervy with our dirty movies and...
So at times after being asked a question or seeing something an involuntary thought will pop in your head. With me now when this happens I have to stop and think, do I feel like that? Keeping in mind that God knows what we think and do all the time yet I stand and wonder should I feel guilty about this odd thought or that odd feeling? And this sucka stands by to try and make me feel guilt over a thought.
He says to God, “See that’s why I said, let me talk to her.”
I say, “You don’t wanna talk. Pervoid!”
I forgot it was the Sabbath. I can't remember nothing.
I'm recalling a nightmare that I had over a year ago where I was sitting in my truck – at the time I had a small car, but in the dream I was sitting in an SUV, which I now have. I was in what looked like a state park because there were a lot of trees. I was in a deserted area for some reason and sitting in my vehicle when a man approached me. I knew instantly that he wanted to rape me, so I grabbed my pistol and he backed off. Now at the time I had the dream, I hadn’t yet gotten my CCW.
I remember God telling me that he had raped an acquaintance, but he wouldn't get me. It was God that pushed me to get the gun. I won’t reveal the acquaintance's name because she told this to me in confidence and also now because I realize that it’s very embarrassing. Not only will people call you crazy but you feel touched. It’s humiliating.
Some time later, she did in fact relate that the devil had tricked her. I thought it was just an unfortunate fact of god- fearedness that the devil will harass a believer. In fact, she told me about her experience some three months before I had my own experience – what I'm going through now. This dream never occurred to me because the man in the nightmare was an actual MAN.
So I’m surfing the internet and come across some things about serial killers. There’s a picture of a smiling victim.
I shake my head and I say, “How could somebody do that to another human being?”
The devil says, “When you have that body to yourself, you can do whatever you want with it.”
So that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we’re dealing with.
So the Lord says to me, “That thing is going to play all kinds of games with you.”
God says, “That's okay because he's going to be thinking all kinds of strange things. It has to remember that we’re enemies. This is not one sided.”
“Ha!” I say. Cause that's what he gets for messing with me! Then I say, “Lord, why is it going to play games with me?” Am I doing something?
He says, “Because you’re not grabbing your collar.” (something I do when I'm afraid or emotionally hurt)