There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out
fear.1Jhn 4.18.
By receiving God’s love (directly or indirectly), multitudes have proven ‘ perfect love casts out fear’ ; but not so many appreciate the additional freedom gained from giving this love out to others. Full freedom requires both the giving and receiving of this love. Those with a fear of hurt, fear of rejection, or fear of failure especially have no option but to also share the love of God.
Our treatment by others in the past, particularly during childhood, in many ways determines the freedom we have to relate as an adult. If it included serious rejection, we now are not only wary of those who have and who might further hurt but also of those posing no threat. Avoiding them only to create unnecessary difficulties, not the least with those who deserve our trust, e.g. spouses. The more common outcome, though, is
‘social anxiety’ and its guardedness about interacting in general.
But even this can become a real problem if the decision is made to retreat and hide in ‘safe places’; reaching out to engage in any meaningful way is now a ‘bridge too far’. And if paranoia, anger, or a judgmental attitude (to name a few) get added to this anxiety, even marital intimacy is affected.
Though not often appreciated, the solution to ‘social anxiety’
(even agoraphobia) is found in sharing the love of God. And with serious withdrawal, this lack is understandable as it can 94
mean some radical changes. Yet nothing love of the ‘agape kind’ can’t solve, the love that makes it possible to sacrificially give of ourselves so others might be blessed. Even going the
‘extra mile’ and reach out in ways heaven has especially promised to reward as Jesus alluded to here, “For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?” (Matt 5.44-46). This reward surely includes greater freedom from ‘fear’ about relating.
This promise of ‘agape love’ (Rom 5.5)—a love greater than your own—means you can hurdle every barrier to reaching out. But I must stress, only if there is a genuine readiness to bless others and this love is offered without any thought of receiving in return. (Not easy with the modern attraction for
‘quid pro quo’.) The resolve not to always wait for others to initiate contact is also important. Seem impossible! Not with God’s love in your heart. Sure, there will be misgivings, even strong ones, but these can be overcome with this grace from above. Trust me, you will ‘freely give’ (Matt 10.8) what you have freely received. Nothing, then, should stop you from doing what is well-pleasing to Him (2Cor 5.9), but again, only if there is this willingness to be a conduit for heaven to bless others.
Yes, it will come at a cost, but if we learn nothing else from Scripture (e.g. 2Cor 12.9), heaven’s grace is more than adequate to pay the price and supply the wherewithal to put aside hurts and resentment, or anything else blocking this laying down of your life. This love enables us to do what is right even despite deep anxiety about rejection or the disappointment this might bring. An enabling greater than any mountain hindering your 95
freedom to relate. And by walking in step with the Holy Spirit, this love of such quality and strength is yours so not even deeply ingrained selfishness and its desire for personal comfort or the fear of unintended consequences will stop you. With ‘agape love’ you will follow through on any decision to be a blessing.
OUR HELPER
‘Because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.’ (Rom 5.5) Only through the help of the Holy Spirit (See 2Cor 4.7) can human vessels of clay fulfill the commandments of the new covenant. The grace must come from Him (2Cor 9.8) to ‘love our enemies’ (Matt 5.44) as Christ wanted, especially those who ‘despitefully use us’ (Lk 6.28). An impossible ask if natural resources are relied on, but as multitudes have proved, possible when willing to be a channel for the Holy Spirit.
To be this channel of love, though, means leaving behind the safety of hiding and overcoming the barriers to this. An assured outcome also when the decision not to hide is sincere and has the resolve to persevere over the long haul. ‘Fear’ cannot stop any genuine desire to overcome hindrances. Yes, it will bluster and try to run interference, but no matter, there will be the freedom to reach. But remember, only possible because of the decision to ‘be spent’ so others could be blessed. Loving is always a choice, and it is only with the decision to love do find the grace for it. Sadly, rather than follow through on a decision, too many now let their feelings govern; an ill-fated choice because ‘fear’ can easily hijack the emotions.
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REACHING OUT
Both timidity and antisocial shyness were a problem for me (and my father), and it meant practicing the outlined strategy over and over to break behavioral patterns built up over many years. To overcome what was reinforcing this reserve took serious effort over an extended period. Intentions to reach out—
on their own—were not sufficient. I had to be decisive and grab any opportunity that came my way to share the love of God, even if was only to smile and reach out in basic friendship or kindness. At first, these attempts were tentative, but as I persisted in the effort to overcome the emotional coldness, it began to crumble. As my confidence grew I even warmed to the challenge. Indeed, I found out what a blessing it is to give to others, including sharing the love of God with some destitute hobos I would find in a local park.
Praise God! My decision to reach out had an unexpected outcome, the discovery of a new me. I thought I knew who I was—my personality with its weaknesses and strengths—but I was mistaken. Even early in life, ‘fear’ had distorted and marred the real me, masking my true identity. The real ‘John Corin’ was outgoing, much more of an extrovert. This crumbling of a false identity also meant I could be authentic, the much more confident person God had made. A new persona that has borne fruit for the kingdom of God over the years.
By reaching out with God’s love it also brings the immutable law of ‘reaping what we sow’ into play. Others now reach out to us in return with the upshot the ‘fear’ about relating dissipates even more. So don’t hold back in sharing God’s love; bless one 97
person, then another, and another, and the ‘returns’ will soon pile up. You will have the freedom even to reach out where a relationship is fractured. Yes, much less anxiety about meeting those alienated, but also reduced apprehension about managing any anger or animosity you have about the fractured relationship.
FORGIVING OTHERS
“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do NOT forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses”. (Matt 6.14,15) Because it demonstrates the ‘loving-kindness’ of God, to forgive is one of the greatest acts of love.
Not only does it open the door to reconciliation, but canceling the ‘debt’ of another allows the ‘debtor’ new liberty to relate now their conscience is eased. It is also an act of love towards ourselves; holding onto an offense always sabotages freedom from the ‘fear’ related to hurt and rejection.
In fact, the unwillingness to forgive is often the hidden root of the fear of rejection. Why? Because unforgiveness not only continues the alienation with one person, it increases the anxiety about acceptance from others. Of course, Scripture is clear on the need to forgive if the Lord is to forgive us (Matt 6.15); but not only heaven shows reciprocal mercy when this ‘law of sowing and reaping’ comes into play—it softens the hearts of those struggling to forgive us. Forgiveness, then, has extensive blessings, not the least being a much greater confidence in the Heavenly Father’s providential care.
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JUDGING OTHERS
‘Judge not, that you be not judged. “For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.’ (Matt 7.1-3) The love of God is also expressed by showing mercy in judging fellow humans—
also made of ‘dust’ (cf.Ps 103.14). Note, the commandment of Christ above is not (as some interpret it) an absolute prohibition on judging. Couched in hyperbole (the figure of speech widely used then), it is a warning not to judge in an unloving manner.
An exhortation to ensure any judgment is not harsh or rashly made, but tempered with kindness; otherwise, it is unjust, unloving, and a sin. Mercy, fairness, and generosity of heart must characterize judgments, and they are only to be made after showing reasonable patience and tolerance.
Just judgments also bring the law of ‘sowing and reaping’
into play, causing others, in return, to show mercy and forbearance when we err or don’t perform. They also give us the
‘benefit of the doubt’ if unsure of our motives. A real game-changer for those fearful of being unmercifully judged. But other ‘fears’ go too—for instance, the fear of rejection and fear of failure—giving more freedom to relax when socializing.
Don’t, then, dismiss this as part of the answer to overcoming certain fears.
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