There it was! The only profile I was unsure of; I paused in my swiping for at least five additional seconds to decide what I should do: right or left?
Doug had an excellent profile description, one amazing face picture, and that was it.
Doug had beautiful green eyes, a puff of hair I liked, and a very charming and intense smile. His profile was fun and full of energy. While I didn't like silly/funny pictures, I absolutely adored fun profiles. I was a firm believer that if you are really funny, it would show in your profile and there would be no need to show stupid pictures. And Doug’s profile fit that bill. I decided to swipe right and we instantly matched. Doug messaged me straight away; he was really amusing to chat with. I think it was the funniest conversation I had ever had in my life. Full of banter and lots of conversation about music.
We had the same interests, and apparently the same sense of humour. I knew it was going to be a pretty good date.
Meet Doug, 35: a fashionista who dressed to kill (those were his own words). He was a musician in his spare time, and living his passion working for Warner Music. We planned a date for the following day.
Date No.1
We agreed to meet at the very trendy Prêt-à-Portea. In fact, that was my idea. I really wanted to go there, and since I knew that Doug was into fashion and music, I thought it would be a very good idea to meet there for a nice afternoon tea.
As I arrived at the Berkeley Hotel, I received a text from Doug describing where he was located. He was very clear in his directions and seemed to know the hotel like the back of his hand.
I sort of recognised Doug straight away, and when he said he “dressed to kill,” it wasn’t’ a lie. It literally killed my eyes to see his orange Moschino jumper on top of a pair of bleached ripped jeans. A complete eyesore! And the sideburns! Had I just arrived via the DeLorean time machine? I couldn’t help laughing internally, which translated politely as a big smile.
We kissed on the cheek, and the banter started straight away. “What happened to your razor?” I asked.
He replied, “What happened to your trousers?”
We laughed. In fact, I was wearing some Victor & Rolf navy shorts on tights, and I thought it was a funny reply from him.
Doug and I chatted the night away, and I had never laughed so much in my life on a date. Doug was a genius, yet he wasn't at all my style. He was probably about 5'4 and a half in height, which meant that I was taller than him in my heels. While I liked his hair on Tinder, in real life I wasn't sure about his Beatles haircut on top of the old-fashioned sideburns. But he was friendly, fun and full of energy, and I really liked being with him. I was more than willing to see him again.
Pre-date No.2
I had to wait a week before hearing back from Doug, which for me was a first on Tinder. I usually heard from my dates the following day, or three days after the initial date, maximum. This made me think that Doug was playing a game, but we decided to meet near Shoreditch this time, as he lived in Islington. I didn’t know much about this part of town, and I was willing to find out more. This time, we opted for the Strongroom Bar on Curtain Rd.
Date No.2
I arrived at the Strongroom right on time. I couldn't see Doug, so I decided to sit at a table and order a glass of Blandine Le Blanc. Strongroom had a friendly atmosphere and was a fun, quirky venue. That night was quiet but they usually have live bands and DJs playing all sort of music.
Doug was late, which really pissed me off. A good 15 minutes late! I was about to leave when he finally showed up. He had a really weird reaction, like he hadn’t recognised me. Even on his face, something had changed. He looked like he had had a meeting with the devil and become more wicked. His banter was still as sharp, but it had something malicious about it. I liked it, this side of him. This time his hair was brushed aside, which showed more of the green in his eyes. He was looking way better, and even his clothes were soberer. His attitude really bewildered me, making me wonder what I now wanted from him, and his ravenous eyes didn't help. I really felt like he could see through my clothes.
After a few jokes, a few laughs and a lot of flirting, Doug drew his chair near me and started to lick my lips before kissing me passionately. I could feel the heat all through my body; it was earth-shattering. I was shaken, yet I cherished the moment.
Doug wanted me to go home with him and he was kind of insistent. It was almost annoying, so I politely declined. Comparing that night with the first completely disturbed me; I wasn't sure whom I had had in front of me. If Doug had initially told me that he had a twin brother, I would have bet a million pounds that I was with him that night. But, I was aware that people could change dramatically from one date to another; I had experienced it so many times.
Post-date No.2
When I got home, I had a text from Doug. He had really enjoyed the night and wanted to see me again soon. On our first date, I had seen him as a friend and couldn't have imagined being with him romantically. I thought I would just have fun. Though I was still in a "fun" state of mind, I could now see Doug as a potential boyfriend. His style, his attitude, his jokes, his kisses; I wanted to see him again without any sort of expectation this time.
Pre-date No.3
Doug and I were speed-texting when we decided to have dinner at Tartufi & Friends. I was surprised by Doug’s pick, as I had understood that he wasn’t a fan of my neighbourhood with its opulent people. Well, I thought, that didn't mean that he couldn't appreciate excellent Italian cuisine.
Date No.3
This time, Doug came and picked me up in a cab before getting to the restaurant. In the three minutes that separated my flat and Tartuffi & Friends in Knightsbridge, we had lots of passionate kisses. I almost asked him to cancel the restaurant and come to mine instead. His kisses were that powerful, arousing, and deep.
Doug and I reached the restaurant, sat at our table and started ordering. This date was all flirty and sensual. We touched each other, had deep eye-contact and I invited him home with me after. As such, we both ate our food like Popeye ate his spinach. We were done within 25 minutes, got the bill and headed straight to mine. That was probably the reason why I can’t remember much about that restaurant.
As soon as we reached my building, we kissed passionately. We jumped in the lift, and the higher we went, the more intense our kisses became, and the more I wanted him to sex me up. We reached my floor, I opened the door of my flat and for the first time in my life, I was going out with a man who couldn’t carry me. Doug totally ruined the passion. He lifted me up unmanageably with a hefty breath. He was out of puff after two steps into the flat, and I was getting too close to the floor. He managed to find my bedroom and I could sense his relief when he let me off onto the bed, like a vulgar tissue. But he was quick to undress me a few seconds later.
I undressed him too, and within a few seconds he was going in and out of me. Doug was a charming man, but during our intercourse I was under the impression that I was having sex with Mr Hyde. Oh my! Doug was pulling unbearable ugly faces, to the point that I couldn’t look at him anymore. I started laughing. He looked at me incredulously, "Are you ok?" he asked with a normal face.
I could still reply at that stage. ”Fine!”
But then Doug went on again, literally mugging for me. I closed my eyes. After the missionary, he wanted me on top. I was forced to open my eyes again. I had a big smile; Doug looked normal. But then, we were there again – the tongue was stuck, his nostrils were wide, and his nose was deformed and wonkier than a Formula One circuit. His upper lip was upside down, his screwed-up eyes set close together and misaligned, his ears stuck up like a rabbit, and he was red as a tomato. I couldn’t help it; I was laughing out loud! I had to stop, as my eyes were watering tears of mockery. For the first time in my life, I lied and faked it. “I am coming! I am coming! I am coming!”
And Doug came and slept not long after his clown show. I couldn’t; I was still haunted by his faces. This time, closing my eyes wasn’t helping, as I had the fresh memories of Doug’s grimaces. It took me a long time to stop giggling, calm down and sleep.
Post-date No.3
I didn’t know if the sex with Doug was good. Obviously, it wasn't, but that was because I hadn’t been able to concentrate entirely, and I needed to find a way to enjoy this moment with him properly. Eureka! I had a solution! Next time, I'd shut the lights off. I couldn't wait to explore him again.
Pre-date No.4
Two days later, I received a text from Doug: < Sorry I haven’t been in touch for so long. Lost my phone! Can’t wait to see you again. I’d be happy to cook for you and organise a romantic date at mine. > I was slightly surprised that Doug considered two days to be a long time, but I imagined that he was missing me. I couldn’t wait to experience him again but I would have to find a way to turn his lights off. With a bit of luck, he would light up the flat with candles.
Date No.4
My cab drove me to Islington. When I arrived, I saw that Doug lived in a fantastic big house with a little garden. I really liked the atmosphere. I buzzed, and to my surprise, a woman opened the door.
“Oh hi, you must be Valérie. Doug is setting up your dinner. Please come in; he won’t be long. I am Asita, his flatmate”
I smiled, “Nice to meet you Asita.”
I waited in the kitchen downstairs for a few minutes. Doug seemed to have a lot of secrets; I was not aware that he was sharing his flat with three other people.
Doug arrived, all dressed up in a rainbow suit and with way too much aftershave. I think my nose was blocked with the smell. Yuk! He was back to his naff-self again with his Beatles hairdo.
Not sexy!
He grabbed a bottle of Prosecco and I followed him to his bedroom. It was lit up with small scented candles and looked so romantic.
We ate some pasta Bolognese and after two bites, Doug started his monologue; he couldn’t stop talking. It was the most talkative version of him I had that night, and for once, it was real stuff he was talking about: his work, his friends, his concerts, his band, his DJ work. I hadn’t realised he had so much going on. We had a more substantial unilateral conversation. I found out a lot about him, but he didn’t know anything about me. He didn’t seem interested at that stage.
Sick of listening to his life, I started kissing him. We kissed and kissed and kissed. This time it was delicate and soft. I supposed it when well with the romantic setting.
Then, I undressed him slowly; he did the same to me, still delicate and romantic. He was kissing me all over and not only his lips were involved; he was also doing things with his tongue that made me shiver.
We had sex and this time it was sensual. Despite the little flashes I had in my mind of his funny faces at mine, I managed to enjoy it. We slept after three lots of intercourse.
Around 3am, I was awakened by my sudden urge to scratch all over my back. God, it felt like I had lice and fleas all over my body. I couldn’t stop scratching.
As the light of the sun came up, I discovered that I was sleeping on dirty sheets. Yoghurt blobs or sperm stains? Those stains were not from last night, and when I analysed my back, I had a skin rash all over it – probably a reaction to the dirty sheet. I realised that we were not even sleeping on a futon, but a cheap mattress that was falling apart. The place was a dump; Doug had no notion of cleanliness. I was horrified.
His walls were full of post-its with biblical verses written down, and family pictures. Oh, my! Doug had a twin brother! I don't know why, but I was overcome with a bad feeling. That wicked smile; that sleek hairdo; those ravenous eyes...
“Doug, Doug! How many times have we met?” I woke him up, worried.
“What are you on about? Are you crazy? It’s our second date."
I went quiet, before whispering. “Who is that man in the picture?”
“Lady, you are scaring me! I knew when I met you that you were a crazy doll, but darling, this is mental! Sorry, I forgot to tell you that Francis is my twin brother. We're not very close, and we are pretty different. In fact, he's the reason why I didn't see you for such a long time after our first date.”
“We didn’t have sex last week?” I asked timidly, knowing the answer.
“Pardon me? What are you talking about?” he said.
I rushed into his en-suite bathroom and vomited. I had just slept with two brothers. Doug kept talking to me, but I couldn’t hear anything anymore. Next thing I knew, I was on my way home with a rash on my back. I had a voicemail from Doug, in which he offered to meet me with his brother to give a proper explanation. He had probably found out the whole story by the sound of his voicemail. I didn’t care about the explanation; I found the whole situation disgusting and felt like I had had a threesome by procuration. I never returned his call and decided to ignore all his texts.
Six months later
A few months later, Doug and his brother Francis both sent me dick pictures, all sent within a few hours’ of each other, asking me which one I wanted to see again. I didn’t know where their unwanted attention was coming from, but I clearly understood that they were getting on well now. I decided to block their numbers. Next!