Chapter 2

Hayden kept an eye on his friend for a while as he determinedly made his way to the bar. Sociably waving a greeting with his glass whenever he saw a familiar face from the business world, he was thinking about which exit would create the smallest stir should he effect his escape. Giving his jacket a quick fix, he was thinking about when he would get back to the City of London from this godforsaken place. His gaze wandered through the mob for one last time, when something, out of the blue… At first he thought his vision had betrayed him; rather, he was sure he had lost his marbles. What he was seeing there, could not have been real. It must have been a play of his senses. How could it be possible, after such a long time, among so many people? Surely it must have been the drink causing him to hallucinate, after all, he had been drinking on an empty stomach, and he had had quite a few – the thoughts flickered wildly in his head.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was sure when he opened them again, this vision, like so many times before, would vanish and everything would go back to normal. He opened his eyes slowly, almost sheepishly. Contrary to his expectations, the phenomenon stayed, stubbornly and more vividly than ever. He felt a sudden pain piercing his whole body. An overwhelming, bolt-like agony travelled through him. Like a wave, weakness came upon him with such force that he had to lean against the wall. He quickly touched his moist forehead as his sight suddenly began to blur. His ears were buzzing and sweat trickled down his temples. ‘What the hell? Have I lost my mind?’ he squeezed out the words from his tightly clenched lips.

He took a deep breath and told himself that it all was nothing but a delusion. It can’t be her. It must be someone who looks like her. With a face distorted by pain, he forced himself to turn again, but the moment he saw her, he was convinced of the reality. Dizziness and nausea came over him and he needed to leave quickly. He wanted to get some fresh air as soon as possible.

The strong, healthy man, who seemed so confident just a moment ago, now looked hunched and broken, as he staggered out of the ballroom, with his hand against the wall, to the huge patio.

The beautiful terrace was decorated with palm trees and similar exotic plants, not suited to the climate at all. Far enough away from each other, little conversation corners were placed, formed from sofas and cushions. Small buffet tables were scattered around with colourful refreshments to please the guests. Hayden approached one of these tables and rapidly emptied two glasses of the bluish liquid, whatever it had been. He tottered to the end of the terrace like a sleep-walker. Clenching the stone parapet, he was waiting for life to return to his limbs. The night air was pleasantly warm and pure, and he took deep breaths of it as he slowly collapsed to a sitting position, burying his head in his hands. He desperately tried to fight the manifestation of a well-known, pervasive pain, bursting from within.

Some guests idling on the terrace were watching the suspiciously behaving man. Most of them thought it would be better if they didn’t meddle in someone else’s business, and their intuition was undoubtedly correct. A wise guy cracked aloud, wanting to impress the ladies: ‘Let the poor bloke be! He’s just a bit leathered… the air’ll fix him!’

All these remarks reached Hayden only as a remote murmur. Apart from overcoming the roaring chaos in his mind, he paid no attention to anything. For years, he had been trying to convince himself that what happened in the past, had been locked away deep beyond conscious thought. So deep, from where they couldn’t hurt him. He wanted to believe they had no effect on him whatsoever, that he was free of the past. Now the fact that one second, one look, was enough for these wounds and feelings to erupt, pushed him into a kind of shock. Who was the bloody idiot who said time heals all wounds? – He thought bitterly. What he expected to have vanished in the darkness of oblivion – which might not have even been true – voila, it was lurking right below the surface, waiting to erupt! A spark was enough to ignite an inferno, destroying his insides.

Although his forehead was still burning with fever and his limbs were shaking, he pulled himself together. Gripping the banister, he stood up and encouragingly, half out loud, said to himself, ‘I’ve got to go back and face her! This time she can’t just disappear. She can’t just vanish into thin air. I won’t do her that favour. She’s got to see I survived! That she couldn’t destroy me completely.’

The last sentence left a wry smile on his face. He straightened his back, lifted his head, and as someone who’s prepared for battle, he headed back to the lively ballroom.

The moment he entered, the roiling, sweltering air punched him in the chest. Couples, both old and young were dancing in the centre, obviously enjoying themselves. Round the sides of the room, smaller and larger numbers of guests formed groups and were drinking and chatting. Apparently, nothing had changed since Hayden left the room. Only he knew about the raging storm, waiting to erupt. He stopped not far from the door, from where he could see through the crowd relatively well. People’s features converged before his eyes, but he was only searching for one. After nervously scanning the many unknown faces, he suddenly took sight of her. Not where she was some minutes ago but slightly farther away, by one of the foundation exhibition tables, talking to an elderly gentleman. Every now and then she tilted her head slightly to the side to look over her companion’s shoulder, as if the feeling of being gazed at, yet is also trying to dismiss the feeling of discomfort.

The pureness streaming from the young woman’s appearance lent her a guileless charm. She was a real, stunning beauty, the kind who needed to do nothing to achieve this state. She was one of the lucky few who was as vividly delightful in the morning when opening her eyes as when she was dressed to kill. Her long brown hair was now pinned up in a loose bun, to match the style of her evening dress. No primness, no theatricality. Although she was not petite, her appearance implied fragility and her whole being radiated warmth. Long, thick, dark eyelashes cast a shadow over her eyes, which were deep emerald green in natural light; now, however, they glistened a rather greyish-green shade. She was the kind of beauty who had everything to captivate, break and mend the hearts of men. Though she often smiled, her gaze was always permeated with a strange seriousness. It was as though her soul was older than her youthful look.

She wore a straight-cut, ivory coloured gown decorated with a few small silk flowers of the very same material. The form-fitting dress emphasized the young woman’s slim figure perfectly. With respect to attractiveness, the young lady was as lovely as any of the prominent women present. She was, however, not invited as a gala guest. As a part-time employee of IHIN, it was her duty to represent the foundation at social gatherings. She was a striking phenomenon, so the men couldn’t help leaving their longing eyes on her. When the formal part of the evening was finished and the beginning of the dance was announced, there were plenty who asked her for a spin, and in most cases she accepted the invitation.

The delightful exterior, however, harboured much more than one would have thought on the face of it. Lana came from a well-situated family of intellectuals. Her mother was a teacher and her father, an architect. Her childhood was idyllic, with loving parents and a great home to support her. They expressed their love and affection towards their only daughter, as well as their son; supporting them whenever they needed it most. The parents tried their best to give the kids as much freedom of choice as possible, when they found they were mature enough. This almost unreal state of happiness lasted until university, where Lana came to know love for the first time, and was met with the bitter side of life as well, which pulled the ground out from under her feet and taught her lessons for life. When she decided to give charity work a try after completing law school, they still supported her. After volunteering in various public companies, she found IHIN and thanks to her degree, they took her on as a legal representative.

An international organization often finds legal and bureaucratic impediments to attend to. It was only natural they welcomed the efforts of this young, enthusiastic and skilled professional. In addition to office work, Lana participated in other concurrent projects. Sometimes she plunged into a school building mission somewhere in Africa, or travelled to the Arab world with a group to organize some kind of educational presentation for women. In the course of these assignments, neither her parents nor her brother heard from her for some time. This was especially typical if they worked in a country, where, for security reasons, it was wiser to avoid the attention of political or religious forces.

Nevertheless, Lana soon realized the money she got from the foundation brought her to the breadline and she couldn’t make ends meet. It was also clear that she wasn’t going to take advantage of her parents’ goodwill forever, and it was high time she had earned some income. After trying her luck with some companies, she eventually got a job at one of the country’s most respected law firms, and all her major financial concerns were settled. In her spare time she handled the foundation’s affairs. With time, she even convinced the office’s CEO, the celebrity lawyer Thom Masters to join the group of IHIN supporters. Since she was of a young age, besides her serious work, she was very happy to participate at fun events like this one. At such occasions she could finally unwind and forget about her slightly complicated private life as well. Currently, she was talking to a friendly elderly man, who happened to be the owner of a pharmaceutical company and belonged to the foundation’s loyal enthusiasts.

Hayden Ravensdale fixed his eyes on her, and while standing still as if petrified, everything ceased to exist around him. The room, the people, the music, simply didn’t reach him. Reality was receding until the present melted completely. It was sucked in by the past. Although his body was visible and perceptible to others, his spirit slipped into a different world where events seemed like a time-lapse, like scenes of an old movie. He perceived this time-travel experience realistically and truthfully, as if everything he saw in his mind’s eye was the actual present. Seven years, he thought.

Seven years had passed since he last saw her leave that bloody restaurant. Hayden had carefully planned every detail well in advance. He had wanted everything to be deeply romantic and unforgettable. He was blinded with love and wore his heart on his sleeve, never for a moment thinking it would be trampled into the mud. In his mind’s eye, he could see again as she stood up suddenly, slowly approached him and gently stroked his face. Strangely, he even remembered leaning his head to one side, kissing her palm. Yes, he saw it clearly, how Lana had bent down, her hair touching his face and her eyes closed, kissing him lingeringly. This was their last kiss… and its taste endured. I need to go now – Lana whispered into his ear then, barely audibly.

Hayden looked after her unsuspectingly, lovingly. She also looked back briefly and then swiftly averted her eyes. Then she left. Back then, he wouldn’t have guessed it was forever. Ice cold sweat appeared on his forehead. Just like then.

Seven years of despair, pain, anger, hatred and finally, only emptiness. How much had happened since! How many things he’d experienced! But the feeling of helplessness, the deep pain was still there, whether he wanted it or not. The wound that the terrible disappointment caused was still bleeding secretly in his soul. Why? – The question tearing his insides apart was the same as seven years ago. Why did she do this to me? How could she? Everything seemed so perfect, like in a fairy tale – the words squeezed through his teeth with contempt. A nightmare – he hissed.

Unstoppable images of his life began to flash in front of him.

He saw himself as a twenty-something university student, visiting Cambridge with friends. They were still untroubled, free from worries and liabilities. Carelessly, perhaps a little louder than they should have, the group was enjoying the beautiful day. As young men so often do, they were drinking and joking on the terrace of a pleasant little street café, when a group of protesters appeared on the street. They could have been around 20 to 25 young people who marched with signs and placards, while one advocate was shouting through a megaphone to the people. Some of them, holding papers in their hands, even went up to people and tried to convince them of their cause. To make it more serious, they also collected signatures for their petition.

Their purpose? Hayden couldn’t remember exactly what the aim of the demonstration was, as his attention was drawn to something else. He recollected it had something to do with saving the rainforests. Maybe it was about adopting a part of a rainforest, he recalled. He was sure though when the green-eyed brunette came up to him and asked for his support, there was no document in the world he wouldn’t have signed. He gaped at her as she enthusiastically presented their cause, and became immediately smitten with her. He was enchanted by her naïve, almost childish dedication, and the commitment with which Miss Bell asserted the truth of the matter.

His mates made fun of him, and even Lana considered this handsome boy’s oafish nodding a little comical. She told him she was a law student and the demonstration would end with a lecture in the university building which she planned to attend. The presentation was going to be about the crisis of the Amazon jungle and visitors were welcome.

The rest of the group was slowly moving away from them, so she quickly said goodbye and took off after them. Hayden was stunned at first and just stared after her as if he’d witnessed a heavenly revelation. When he came to his senses, he turned to his friends.

‘Did you see that? Damn. I… I’ve… never seen anything so…’

‘Looky look,’ Liam interrupted with a giggle. ‘Mr Ravensdale’s back.’

‘And he can talk again! What a miracle!’

‘Using such refined language,’ Harry joked as they clapped him on the back and patted his shoulder.

Yes, he must have been a dumbfounding sight, mainly because he was usually unabashed, especially when it came to women. It came home to Hayden Ravensdale quite early, when he was only a youngster that he was popular with girls, and to conquer those he liked, he barely needed to put in any effort. Later on there was a period when he was less choosy, and since there were plenty of volunteers, he made the most of his popularity and handled girls emerging in his circle of friends with a shallow macho confidence. Since this behaviour was basically against his conservative, introvert nature, after a while he didn’t find joy in it any more. Later, this role of Don Juan even began to annoy him, so he put an end to the aimless flirting.

Doing so had quite probably something to do with realizing that his personal appeal, so magnetizing to women, was often far overshadowed by his social status and wealth. When he first became aware it wasn’t only he using the girls but they were also benefitting from him and the Ravensdale name, he was raging and loathed all women. After some time his wild hatred subsided into a quiet cynicism which assimilated into his nature and defined it. He was usually condescending and distant with those trying to get close to him. This odd behaviour and attractive appearance, whether he wanted it or not, put him in the role of a cold-hearted macho once again. He carried this out in the witty and high-flying way of a born gentleman.

Thus, with this in mind, it was obvious how his friends had a good time watching as the hunter finally fell into a trap.

‘What are you laughing at, anyway? I couldn’t have been that lame!’ he cut back after a while, when he had had enough of their jesting.

‘Mate, I’d call someone lame who says the wrong things in the wrong place at the wrong time. But you, your nodding face was so bonkers, I’m sure she thought you were ‘round the bend’.’

The others laughingly joined in and continued joshing him.

‘Seriously, mate, getting your signature was the easiest one in her career.’

‘I wouldn’t be so sure of that!’ winked Ian, Hayden’s roommate with ambiguity, and took a long sip from his bottle. ‘Do you even know what you signed?’ he asked. ‘Who knows? Maybe she’s on the game and the fuzz will be knocking on your door soon. The catch is, fuck it, that it’s my door as well,’ he started scratching his head, troubled, at which the others laughed loudly.

‘Man, how you were gawking at her! I mean, yeah, she was a knockout, but you made a complete fool of yourself, Ravensdale.’

‘Shut it!’ barked Hayden, irritated. He wasn’t really mad at his friends, because he felt the picture he’d shown wasn’t as convincing as he’d have liked. This blunder was past help. The chick had knocked him off his feet and switched off his brain, it would have been in vain to deny that. Wanting to distract attention from his gaffe, he asked, ‘Better tell me where the presentation’s going to be. What time? Which building…?’

From that moment on, Hayden was done for. He couldn’t think of anything else. Only the brunette was on his mind. The conversation washed around him, he was simply unable to focus on anything else. He recalled her face, the sound of her voice, the smell of her perfume. It was some sort of… airy … fruit. He wanted to smell it again.

Once or twice he tried to take part in the conversation, but it was pointless. His mind was all over the place. Then he suddenly got up and started talking perplexedly about something important that he’d just remembered and needed to be dealt with at once; and assured them they’d meet in the evening. So, he threw some money on the table, and leaving the stunned company behind, hastily started in the direction the group of demonstrators had marched.

Hayden ran for a while, and finally caught up with the group a few streets away. Due to the crowd thickening around them, he couldn’t get near the girl. He only saw her back as she was talking to somebody. Next, the group turned into a narrow street, then another. He had to give up or else the others would have noticed his desperate behaviour. And that was the last thing he wanted; he already felt like he had made quite a big fool of himself for the day. He didn’t want to come across as some hysterical stalker, so with a heavy heart he decided to abandon the demonstrators and go in search of the law school building.

Yes, that’s how it all started with Lana. And that sunny afternoon, there, in the precinct, was followed by a moonlit night in the University garden where a group of young people was sitting on the lawn, arguing about the presentation. There and then Hayden could only suspect this encounter would leave an indelible mark on his life and would define his whole future.

The weekend passed and Hayden had no choice but to leave the city. He needed to return to the seat of his studies, which meant a two-hour drive. As the heir to the family company, he studied Trade, Marketing and Communication.

The thing between them evolved slowly; too slowly for his hopes and expectations. At first he had to make do with occasional weekend visits. When the revolutionary-minded university students organized programmes, he always took part in them. This was the ‘official’ reason for his visits; and since he was already in the city, he stayed for the whole weekend. These red herrings were mainly needed because Lana did not encourage him very much. Of course, after a while, it started to occur to her that his stays had little to do with the Amazon jungle and other university engagements. Since he wasn’t her only admirer, she didn’t take him more seriously than any other voluntary Romeo. The boy’s attraction gradually became obvious, not only to her, but her friends also began to take notice of this special devotion. Although she had acted coolly for a while, deep inside Lana found Hayden very handsome and his gallant courtship was intriguing. There was some conservative quality in him that Lana found interesting; something from the chivalry of the old gentlemen she missed from the courtship of other devotees. However, she promised herself that she would be exceedingly careful not to let passion carry her away blindly and she would always remain level-headed. Any information she came by about Hayden’s family, only reassured her in this resolve. He told her about his home and parents, and a bit about the pressure he felt as the only heir. Lana listened to these details wonderingly and often had the feeling as if a familiar fairy tale was unfolding before her eyes. As she grew more interested, she did a little research, and found out all that Hayden hadn’t told her. She got to know the Ravensdales were blue-blood aristocrats, who owned properties and estates from Nottinghamshire to London and as far south as the shores of Brighton. Lana found out Hayden’s great-grandfather had a strange addiction. He collected various newspapers obsessively. He also practiced journalism. At first, he wrote anonymous articles as a hobby. Later, he became more interested and published his own weekly, ‘The Albion Express’. Of course, they used the simple tools of the time back then, but the publisher continued to develop year in year out and printed further issues. Hayden’s grandfather took the business in hand and he appeared to have a magic touch in the emerging field of media. Everything turned to gold in his hands. With an awe-inspiring business spirit, he always knew which struggling businesses he should buy, revive and add to his growing company. Later on, the company was inherited by the eldest son, Edward – Hayden’s father. Under his lead, the already successful company evolved into a flourishing media empire. Dozens of newspapers, magazines and other publications were part of the company, and it shone in the field of advertising as well.

Knowing all this, Lana had decided not to fall prey to the crown prince. No matter how likeable Hayden was – and oh, yes, he was – she wanted to show to herself and her peers, that she had principles. She had a firm opinion on fortune and wealthy people, which in time had become more refined, and as her personality developed, her views had gained depth. She was convinced that although someone may be raised in the privileged financial circumstances of the upper class, it was no reason for them to feel exempt from certain rules. She and her feelings could not be bought – that was definitely out of the question, even though her fresh feelings for the wealthy heir now fought a constant war with her convictions.

As their friendship became deeper, Lana learned Hayden had a brother who’d tragically died in a motorcycle accident at the age of 12. Hayden himself was present at the tragedy; in fact, he was the only eyewitness. His brother, Jacob was 4 years older than him. The age difference was just enough to make him follow his older brother blindly into every madness. They rebuilt the motorcycle alone, refurbished and cleaned it piece by piece. It was bought from the local junkyard for pennies. An older employee helped them in their attempt, as most practicalities were new to them. The old man was hardly even an employee; but an old bloke whose father had worked for Hayden’s grandfather. The old fellow, whose face still wore the traits of his Pakistani ancestors, was liable to mysticism. He was good to the boys and they regarded him as a kind of grandfather. He was a father figure to them, who was not ashamed to spend quality time with the two and tell mysterious stories by the campfire at night.

Finally, they seized the completed motorbike enthusiastically and all went well for some time. Until one cloudy afternoon the tragedy happened. They couldn’t tell who was at fault. Probably no one. The ground was still wet from the previous day’s rain. The boy, testing his limits, rode faster than he should have and the rock on the side of the road was in the worst possible place. In a moment it was all over. Tyres screeching, the runaway engine spun in the air; the boy’s body was ejected from his seat weightlessly, like a feather, and his head found the sharp rock. Hayden, who was only 8 at the time, was sitting in the grass by the road, watching his brother showing off. He didn’t even realize what had happened. For a moment he stared at the bike that had crashed into the bush, and its single rotating wheel, pointed towards the sky. Then he ran to the motionless body lying on the ground. Shouting his brother’s name, he knelt down by him, and, reaching under his head, slightly raised it for him to regain consciousness. As soon as he touched the back of the head, however, he felt it was crushed. The base of the skull was barely attached to the rest. At that moment he realized Jacob, his brother, was dead. He knew very well there was no point in trying to do anything to save him.

His conclusion was confirmed by the medical examiner as well, when he found the boy had suffered immediate death upon hitting the rock. It’s strange how a little boy can see things so maturely in a time of crisis. In retrospect, he didn’t know how he got back home. In a state of delirium, he calmly reported to his mother that Jacob was dead, and where his body could be found. The sobbing phase of shock occurred only after this and it took long years to process the loss. The old Pakistani went missing the next day and was never heard of again. Hayden felt as if his parents never really got over it. He wasn’t sure whether a parent could ever overcome such a trauma.

They all grieved in their own ways. His father never talked about it. It seemed as if, as a defence against the pain, his brain had filtered out all the memories related to his older son. The only thing that was visible to the outside world was on Jacob’s birthday. On this day, every year, he locked himself in his study and didn’t come out. They heard nothing of the usual telephoning, pacing and dictating to his secretary. It was silent all day. Then, in the evening, he came out, like nothing had happened. He didn’t say a word, though everyone knew he was suffering.

Although the Ravensdale couple’s relationship appeared normal, it was obvious to Victoria that she couldn’t turn to her husband for solace. She tried to cope with the loss in her own way. She was more and more addicted to her only son, and mollycoddled him. She tried to direct Hayden’s life onto the track she had imagined to be right. To Hayden this meant that his parents weren’t only mourning but trying to put all their hopes and dreams onto him. They constantly increased his awareness of being the only heir to the family company and traditions, and they expected him to take his role seriously. These expectations laid a heavy burden on his shoulders, and as a teenager he regularly rebelled against them. Until, when he became more self-aware, he realized it wasn’t taking over of the company he was unhappy with, but rather the parental influence in his life. Actually, the media profession was not against his will at all, and he even had quite a few ideas about reforming the company when he tak