After he reached the end of his spiritual journey, he slowly came back to his senses and looked around, surprised. Seemingly nothing had changed in the ballroom apart from the increase in the number of dancing couples. He’d had such a long trip on his winding path of the past that his awakening into the present took some time. In reality, barely a quarter of an hour had passed while he travelled back years in his mind. The sudden eruption of soul-wrenching memories drew a deep furrow on his otherwise smooth brow. Now that he started to comprehend his churning environment as reality again, he slowly smoothed his palm along his face.
‘Lana Bell. She’s here,’ he said half loudly.
He tasted the words and the name he hadn’t pronounced for so long – the name that had parted his lips only in his feverish dreams and his subconscious for the past few years. He felt anger and fury emerge in him, and rage filled his brain with such force that he was close to exploding. Grinding his teeth, he was looking for the woman whose appearance had triggered it all. After a few moments of wildly turning his head, he finally caught a glimpse of her dancing with a stranger.
Lana was as stunning as ever. Sometimes she closed her eyes to twirl once or twice, then opened them again and told the man something at which they both laughed. Hayden felt anger flowing unstoppably in his veins. He could no longer – and, as it happened, didn’t want to – hold back the bitterness erupting from inside his heart like a volcano. His livid eyes fixed on the woman he strode towards on the dance floor. He didn’t take his eyes off her for a second, as he was getting closer, pushing away the couples that stood in his path. He only stopped briefly to take a drink from a waiter’s tray and pour it down his throat. He never averted his focused gaze from the dancing couple, and continued with determination. Two more metres, then one and he arrived. He was standing behind the woman’s back, and she seemed as if she were being led by her partner completely unaware. The music was still playing when he placed his hand on the man’s shoulder and forced him to stop with a firm grip. The man indeed stopped and looked at him perplexed.
‘I would be rather obliged, sir, if I may…’ Hayden spoke with ice-cold determination in his voice, looking the man straight in the eye. ‘The lady is my witness of how long I’ve longed for this dance.’
Not waiting for the stunned man’s answer and exploiting the sudden pause, he grabbed Lana’s waist, took her hand from the man’s, and standing in front of her, said, ‘Madam, would you do me the honour?’
He didn’t wait for an answer but jerked the limp body he held into motion, and as if nothing had happened, he pulled her farther and farther from the previous dance partner to the rhythm of the music. The other man had his opinion about Hayden’s violent intervention, but since he heard no words of protest from Lana, he thought everything was happening with her consent.
Hayden held her slim waist rigidly and held her hands so firmly between his fingers that she had neither the chance to escape, nor the opportunity to stop dancing. He looked down intently into her pale, yet vibrantly beautiful face, which was now only half a head below his, since she was wearing heels with her formal dress.
Neither of them spoke for a while. They may have been mustering the strength to continue. Lana’s feet were doing their job routinely, following their lead. Finally, she, as if lifting her head filled her with pain, did hold up her head and cast a dark, painful glance into the man’s eyes. She studied his features in disbelief, and dark shadows engulfed her face. She parted her lips thrice until she managed to exhale a soft whisper.
‘Hayden?’ she said so softly that the man couldn’t hear it, only read the word on her lips.
‘I am honoured you remember my name,’ he said with a bitter giggle. ‘How many were there before me in the line, darling?’
His words were cold and cruel, emerging from his throat like poisoned arrows, because he wanted to humiliate her and deliberately cause her pain. Bitterness flooded through his body and he wanted her to experience some of it.
‘Please!’ she begged, tears brimming in her eyes.
‘You still play the innocent well. Just like then,’ he winced with contempt. ‘But I’m sure, before and after me, there have been fools whom you’ve conned and used, just like me,’ he hissed and jerked Lana violently, because she stopped for a moment and looked at him, horrified.
She knew pain and disappointment made him speak like this and he wanted to hurt her with every word. After all she had done to him, she wasn’t surprised, nor did she blame him. The insults, however, pierced her heart like razor-sharp daggers, and the hatred and contempt so obvious on the once adored face devastated her. Lana broke under the weight. She felt like she had aged years during the last few minutes. Her head was dizzy, and she was close to fainting. Her legs no longer obeyed her, and she hung in his iron grip like a rag doll which he had no intention of letting go.
‘You’re wrong,’ she muttered barely audibly, tilting her head sideways.
‘At least look at me, darling,’ he continued mocking, and his tone gave away that he enjoyed tormenting her. ‘Come on, Lana. Act like you are enjoying this dance with me. You’re good at that – acting. I do deserve this at least, don’t I? Lie a little. Smile!’ With a not-so-gentle motion, he pulled her closer, and she was unable to make any protest at this point.
‘I didn’t mean to hurt you,’ she whispered painfully, slowly raising her head.
Hayden’s ice cold stare froze all life in her.
‘That makes me feel so much better,’ he snorted with mockery. ‘I can imagine how you treat those to whom you actually mean to cause pain.’
All her strength had left her by then. She felt dizzy, sick. Hayden felt if he wasn’t holding her, she would certainly have collapsed because his arms supported almost all her weight. The beautifully curved face and greyish-green eyes were now fixed on him. He saw pain and genuine sadness in them, as his eyes followed a teardrop rolling down her face. He reminded himself that he shouldn’t believe the woman, and he couldn’t let these re-emerging tender feelings control his decisions. She’s always had power over me. But this time I won’t let myself be humiliated again, the bitter thought suddenly ran through his mind, and he squeezed her hand.
‘Please,’ Lana moaned powerlessly, with a pale face, at which Hayden stopped dancing, and stared at the shivering woman, panting.
He felt unable to cause her any more pain. It wasn’t his style, really. He had never hurt a woman before, at least, not physically, and his present cruelty was only triggered by severe shock. Although the music continued, he stopped dancing. He came to a halt, and lowering his hands, he opened his palms, releasing her. She was just standing there, helplessly watching him for some time. The tears had blurred her vision. She also felt woozy, and searching for something to hold onto, but her hands only clasped the air. Confused, she looked around and then headed toward the exit. Her stomach was churning, and she needed to get fresh air at once.
Dazzled, Hayden stood there for a minute. He watched the swaying woman, and as she moved away, his fury came alive once more. She’s fleeing again, he thought and sprinted after, following her through the dancing couples, out through the door to the enormous terrace. He was bursting with anger. His humiliated ego called for gratification. Like a hunter following the kill, he chased after her, and when he saw her leaning over the balcony ledge, he slowed down his pace and approached her with a sneer on his face.
Lana was holding the masterfully made iron railing so firmly that the blood had drained from her fingers. She took deep breaths and was trying to regain her self-control, staring out into the dark night. The sound of the crickets chirping in the park painted a fake, peaceful image of the night, while she was more and more overcome with panic. This isn’t a dream. It is him! It’s Hayden – she babbled over and over again. Hayden – she pronounced the word carefully, whispering it into the night. She hadn’t uttered this name out loud for years, and now, hearing her own whisper, a hot shiver had filled her body.
Footsteps echoed from behind her and then there was a sudden silence. She didn’t see him, but there was no need. She just knew it was Hayden standing behind her. She simply felt his presence. Stubbornly, she continued staring at the trees of the park, and gripped the rail, waiting for the attack.
‘You didn’t get far. Out of practice, I presume?’ hissed the voice she knew so well and which had launched an avalanche of emotions she thought were lost. She hadn’t turned around but continued showing Hayden her back, and staring into nothingness. ‘It must have felt crap seeing me after such a long time. I guess, I’ve managed to ruin your evening,’ he continued with forced scorn.
Lana’s shoulders trembled, but since she still hadn’t turned round or reacted, Hayden stopped the charade and bitterly blurted out.
‘Seven years, Lana! Seven goddamn years!’
She winced at the rude words, and at the same time, she shivered as she heard her name coming from him. She no longer sensed sarcasm, only pain was felt from his tone. She turned slowly and pressed against the railing. He had stopped a few feet away, slightly hunched, his legs apart, hands in his pockets. She studied him painfully and sighed. God, he looks so good! – She thought with despair, unable to take her eyes off him. Even with this offended look, he was stunningly attractive, so manly and exciting, Lana’s knees went soft at the sight. He was her first love. And now, after so many years, he also knew he had been the real one. He seemed crushed and tired. Very little held her back from running up to him and throwing herself to his feet, begging for his forgiveness, however, his whole being and body language showed a cold remoteness. Slowly, she stepped closer, but her feet barely obeyed. She unsuccessfully tried to gather her thoughts. Nothing she could say seemed to be right. After another step, she felt the familiar magnetic force that was drawing her to him once again, but she knew she had no right to feel this. She had no right to touch him. The night was pleasantly warm, yet she shivered. Her arms folded on her chest, head hanging gloomily, she began to speak quietly.
‘I never toyed with you. Everything was true and honest between us. You know that as much as I do. You can’t deny it!’ Lifting her painful gaze to look him in the eye, she continued, ‘I never meant to hurt you. That’s the truth!’ Only her wild heartbeat and sigh full of agony echoed on the terrace. ‘I loved you,’ she said in a low voice.
He looked back at her furrowing his brow, trying to comprehend the words. With disbelief, he breathed out, shook his head and turned away from her, looking at the park. He laughed bitterly out loud: ‘That’s a lie.’ He gave her a sharp look, and though he tried hard to resist it a tear glistened in his eyes from anger. ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about! You shouldn’t use words you don’t understand!’
Lana began to weep with the pain of recognition as she had come to understand how much he was suffering. Somehow she had thought she was the one who couldn’t really move on, but now she saw, horrified, the devastation she’d left in his soul. She moved one step closer and held out her trembling arms. He, however, took a step back, turned his head away and groaned in pain, ‘Don’t touch me! I couldn’t take it.’
Lana backed off, broken, and said in a choked voice, ‘I hurt you. I caused you pain. I know. But you can believe one thing. I’ve paid dearly for every minute of bitterness I caused you. If I upset you… I felt the pain a hundred times more.’
He looked at her, like someone not comprehending what was happening around him.
‘If you hurt me? I swear, I…’ he gasped, shaking his head helplessly, and closed his eyes tightly. Her remarks described what he’d gone through so inadequately that he had no idea how to reply. Finally, he spoke in a bitter voice, ‘Oh, you needn’t worry. Everything wears off in time. I don’t know if I can feel pain ever again.’ He said with a weary smile.
Lana’s voice trembled when she asked uncertainly, ‘Haven’t you been happy since? I mean, after?’
Hayden looked at her in disbelief. He was no longer sure whether she was playing a game with him, or mocking him. At first he couldn’t even speak from indignation, but when he looked into her tearful eyes, he replied, ‘Are you asking whether I’ve been happy?’
He exhaled loudly and tiredly raised his face to the sky. His hands were still in his pockets, and his gaze wandered off when he said coldly, ‘Happy? Can a corpse be happy?’
Tears rolled down Lana’s cheeks while listening to him. Hayden looked at her, he gazed at her tears, and continued in an indifferent tone.
‘The man you knew no longer exists.’ After a short pause he continued, ‘He first died in that restaurant when the waiter gave him a slip of paper saying, ‘Don’t look for me. Don’t try to find me. It’s over.’ The man you knew died for the second time when he found your dorm room empty. When night found him alone for the first time, because you’d vanished without a trace. And finally, he died for good when your parents closed the door in his face saying it was over and not to try to contact you again.’ He swallowed a few times, his chest was heaving wildly with emotions. ‘Do you want to know if I’ve been happy? Well then, by all means, ask it! Ask me again if you have to!’ he spat out the words despairingly.
Lana didn’t say a word, only her shoulders shuddered from time to time with her quiet sobs. She started to see the magnitude of tragedy she had left behind her, and it shocked her to learn she had not only made herself unhappy but also destroyed Hayden’s life. In her hours of despair, she had consoled herself with the knowledge that he must have moved on a long time ago and continued his life where he’d left off before meeting her. She believed Hayden had established a career, perhaps married as his parents had wished, and by now had a happy family. But the broken man who stood in front of her now, didn’t in the least make the impression of the head of a happy family.
‘I didn’t do it out of selfishness. It wasn’t for my own benefit,’ she finally spoke, trying to suppress the re-emerging sobs. ‘To you, it might not make sense at all, but I was thinking about you all the time. That’s the truth,’ she whispered. ‘I did it for you, because I thought it was for your own good.’
She slowly reached out to stroke his back but was startled when he suddenly turned to her. Untamed fury glistened in his eyes, and he stepped ominously closer. She was prepared for the worst. As he leaned nearer, in his stare she clearly saw the furiously raging anger and tension. Yet she didn’t back down at all. Now they were suddenly standing very close. He made a fist as he felt her magnetic attraction. He took a step back angrily and snorted. Mumbling something under his nose, he started to pace up and down like a caged lion. Suddenly, he turned to Lana and said with anger, ‘If it’s true, then you haven’t a fucking idea what’s good for me. This means you didn’t know me at all. Didn’t I say enough, what you meant to me? Didn’t I confess my love to you all the time? You were my life, Lana. My everything!’ he yelled roughly. ‘Which of my actions told you I’d be happy if you left my life forever, without a word? How could you? How could you humiliate me so cruelly, when I… that night I wanted to…’ His voice died with emotion, and his hand dropped to his side.
Because of the angry shouting, people standing farther away started to notice the scene. Hayden dug his fingers in his hair with frustration and tried to catch his breath. He turned away from Lana, because just the sight of her filled him with unbearable pain. Leaning against the railing, he tried to gather the strength to continue.
‘You didn’t know. You couldn’t. We’d never spoken about it, but I’d been planning for months to…’ He paused, as the very memory of that evening caused him to feel nauseous. ‘For heaven’s sake, Lana! I had kept it a secret. I didn’t say anything because I wanted it to be a surprise. But then, that night, the bloody engagement ring was in my pocket. I wanted to ask you to marry me!’ He finally finished, shaking with rage and passion.
He didn’t know what reaction to expect from her, but what he heard was the last thing he’d expected.
‘I knew.’
He turned around slowly, and looked at her, lost.
‘What?’
‘I knew.’
Hayden took a deep breath and replied with closed eyes.
‘You couldn’t have. Even if you’d have guessed, you couldn’t be sure.’
‘I knew it all along,’ she replied slowly, with a firm voice. Then she continued with determination: ‘I knew you were going to pop the question. I knew you’d bought the ring as well.’
Hayden was completely and utterly taken aback, but he stubbornly insisted on his version. Groaning, he said, ‘You didn’t! Nobody knew. No one… only my parents. I’d only told my mother to give her time to prepare for when I’d have taken you home as my fiancée.’
There was a long silence, and Lana was waiting, hoping that Hayden’s hazy mind would sort out the puzzle. It seemed, though, that he refused to acknowledge the obvious facts. Finally, she said it out loud.
‘I found out from your mother. She told me what you were planning.’
Hayden was looking at her as if he saw her for the first time. Terrible anxiety was catching hold of him, but his brain was still fighting it.
‘That’s impossible. You didn’t know my mother.’ He shook his head. ‘You’d never met my parents. I didn’t want you to, because I couldn’t risk…’
‘It wasn’t the first time I’d talked to your parents,’ she interrupted.
Lana had never told Hayden that she’d been in contact with his parents and realized only now they hadn’t told him about this detail over the past years. Back in the day, she hadn’t told him about his parents’ persistent terror campaign. She kept the matter completely to herself and said nothing about their constant harassment of her. She had just realized that the Ravensdales never revealed to Hayden, what kind of a role they had played in her disappearance. They silently allowed their son to blame nobody else but her.
Hayden was devastated. He actually felt the world spinning around him, and he couldn’t stay on his feet. He flailed about to get hold of the railing and grabbed a chair to sit on. He buried his head in his hands, and when thinking about what was yet to come, cold sweat ran down his forehead.
She was also trembling from the task ahead of her, yet she was determined to reveal the whole truth. He hated her anyway. What else could she ruin? After holding her tongue for so many years in the belief that she was doing the right thing, choosing well, giving up her own desires unselfishly, bearing in mind only Hayden’s interests, she had deluded herself that the most difficult decision in her life was to serve her love’s concerns. And what did she now see? She cruelly realized her sacrifice hadn’t done anyone any good. The man for whose happiness she had lost her own was now there in front of her, in ruins, saying he wasn’t satisfied or pleased, as promised by Edward and Victoria Ravensdale. Desperately, she walked up to him and pulled up a chair beside him. Taking a deep breath, she started telling him what she’d just realized she should have told him years ago.
‘You remember when you had to leave for a few days before our last night. Well, your mum visited me in the dorm. She must’ve known your schedule because she knew you wouldn’t be in Cambridge that day. But it wasn’t the first time I’d talked to your parents. Well, actually, they were talking to me, as I wasn’t the one looking for them. I suspected you were anxious about us meeting,’ she scratched her forehead with agony. ‘From all you told me about them, I presumed your relationship wasn’t really honest. After a few phone conversations, it was clear why you were protecting me from meeting them too early. I’d seen it many times, what pressure they had put on you and how much it oppressed you. You know I never urged or bothered you with questions. I trusted you and waited for you to start talking about them.’
She paused, examining him. Hayden, his head still buried in his hands, eyes closed, listened to her every word with rapt attention. Now that she was taking a break, he felt her looking at him. He turned his head to the side and tried to say something, but when he gazed into those greyish-green eyes, nothing came out of his mouth. They were so close to each other he could smell Lana’s heady perfume. His throat went dry when he looked at her lips. He had to swallow hard to pull himself together and signalled by blinking that he was ready to continue. Lana sighed, and continued.
‘I heard your mum’s voice for the first time when I answered your phone for you. We were in the park and you were playing with the children. How should I put it?’ she shrugged, ‘I was shocked. She didn’t know me, yet, she expressed such rudeness and contempt for me... I was petrified, I couldn’t say a word. I decided I wouldn’t tell you just then.’ She sighed with regret. ‘It was a mistake. The first mistake I’d committed. I didn’t want to upset you and thought it might’ve been a one-off event, that if we ever spoke again, she would be more sympathetic, or at least less hostile.’
Hayden was appalled by what he’d heard. That was exactly why he had protected her so much from his parents. All the time he thought things were going according to plan, whereas nothing was as he’d envisioned. He hated himself for being so naïve.
‘I have no idea how much you told them about me. Anyway, a few weeks after the park incident, your mother called me on my mobile and was no nicer than before. She told me she knew about our affair – she drew quotation marks in the air – and congratulated me on being able to keep you for this long. She informed me this wasn’t at all typical of you, and as soon as you’d had your way with me you’d leave me, as you’d done with your previous girlfriends. She encouraged me not to cherish any hopes for our future relationship. The sooner our fling ended, the bigger the favour I’d be doing myself. You can imagine how shocked I was! She barely let me talk, and I couldn’t really say anything. I was speechless.’
Hayden groaned in pain, and while falling deeper and deeper into desperation, he was hoping this might be only a bad dream and he’d soon wake from it.
‘The next call almost didn’t even surprise me,’ she continued with a bitter smile. ‘It was Friday morning when my mobile rang. I already knew you were going there for the weekend. You said there was a family reunion or something at your parents’ house and you just had to be there. Well, your mother ensured me that my presence at the party would be totally inappropriate. Before I could tell her that I had no intention of staying with them over the weekend, she screeched I was not to set foot in the house, even if you asked me for some inexplicable reason. She informed me that she was expecting important guests, old friends of the family and also a young lady, who was to be your wife when the time came. So there was no reason for a gooseberry to be in the room.’
She got stuck in the narrative. She was obviously painfully affected by the revival of these memories and the sharp edges of past insults. She stood up and walked around to calm her nerves. Hayden saw her struggling with herself, but since he was broken himself, he was incapable of any form of consolation. His most dreaded nightmares had come alive in those minutes. Lana’s every word cut into him like a sharp knife.
‘You should’ve told me!’ he creaked wearily. ‘You should’ve told me! I’d have protected you! You doubted me?’
‘Not for one second,’ she exclaimed fervidly. ‘I knew you’d have stood by me. You’d have bucked your parents, your family. You’d have ruined all their plans for me, for us. And that’s the very reason why I couldn’t do it. It felt degrading to complain. To ask for your help so your mother and father wouldn’t hate me, I felt like… ah, I don’t know,’ she lifted her eyes to the sky with discouragement. ‘Maybe I still believed everything could’ve been fine if I’d met them in person, that perhaps they’d like me if they saw how important you were to me,’ she said and sighed bitterly. ‘I was a naïve fool. I also didn’t want the tension between you and your parents to be more extreme. I didn’t want you to have to choose.’
‘I don’t get it,’ he shook his head, and his voice went thick with overwhelming emotions. ‘You were my all, my everything.’
‘I was a fool. I waited for a miracle and hoped for something impossible. I want nothing else, but you must listen to what I say and try to comprehend what situation I was in, how fate pushed me toward the edge of a cliff where I saw no other option but to end it all between us.’
‘So, you’re not finished?’ he asked with agony.
Lana slowly walked back to him and sat down next to him on a chair. Her fingers were nervously clutching, playing with the armrest for a minute before she could continue her story.
‘On a Saturday when you needed to go home for a short time, I also went home to my parents’ house. You can imagine, I jumped out of my skin to see your dad at our door unexpectedly.’
Hayden didn’t want to believe his ears. My father, echoed inside his head over and over again. He jumped from his chair as if bitten by a snake and grabbed the balcony railing with such force that the metal almost bent in his hands. Eyes closed, in a dark voice, he said, ‘Go on!’
‘A dark Rolls Royce parked in front of our house, and when your father walked into our hall, suit-and-tie, my mum and dad were so surprised they could barely speak. At first they thought it was only some kind of courtesy visit, but we soon sobered up. He said he only wanted to talk to me because we had an issue to discuss about his son. When we were alone, he measured me with such cold objectivity, as if I were on the stock market, like when somebody calculates the price of some product. The miracle didn’t happen. It soon became clear that I had no chance of winning him over. All my attempts at reconciliation would have looked ridiculous.’ Hayden didn’t say anything out loud, only some unidentifiable groan or swearing left his lips. ‘He said now that he had met me in person he understood why you were so attracted to me. He considered me an undoubtedly charming woman who had much to offer a man, to which he had no objections. He understood and was happy if his son was having fun with his friends during his academic years. I tried not to feel humiliated but you can imagine how hard it was. I tried to t