Chapter 4

It was nearly noon by the time Lana finally stirred, rubbing her eyes drowsily. She turned onto her back lazily and stared out the window for a few moments, still dazed with sleep. She raised her hands to protect herself because the bright light shining into her face hurt her eyes. Blinking, she realized that the blinds were not drawn as they usually were. Odd… she thought, still lightheaded with sleep, and then suddenly, every event of the previous night struck her memory like lightning. ‘Hayden!’ she exclaimed out loud and, shoving the blanket aside in a single movement, she jumped out of bed as if bitten by a snake. ‘Oh God, how late can it be?’ she screamed in panic, while she bolted for the bathroom with undiminished speed. Scarcely had she reached the door when everything went black before her eyes, and she felt the room turn with her. Leaning against the bathroom door, she eased herself onto the floor slowly and waited for the fainting spell to pass and for the wild pulse of the artery in her neck to slow to normal. She glanced up at the clock on the wall and realized with some relief that it was only 12 o’clock. This meant that she still had an hour until the appointment. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the door. She let last night’s impressions flood her mind once again. She could still hardly believe it hadn’t been just a dream. That she had met Hayden again after such a long time, without either of them trying to find the other, could not be mere coincidence; of this she was certain. This man was the love of her life. She could never be free of his memory, no matter how hard she tried to oppress it. At the very moment she had seen him again the day before, it had started all over again. The quiver in her stomach and the feverish sensation in her limbs whenever he came to her mind, had the same elemental power over her as it had the time when they had first met. Is it normal that he still has such an effect on me? We are no longer teenagers, after all! I am 28, not 19… she mused, while time went on and the clock hands swallowed the minutes. Her doubts slowly melted away, and excited joy began to take the place of her anxiety, as 1pm approached. Hayden no longer felt resentment toward her for leaving him without a word. This terrible burden had been lifted from her shoulders, once and for all. Lana was profoundly relieved.

Looking back at the happenings of the last few months, several things had become evident to her: her endless wavering with Ben; and the way she always panicked whenever it was time to make a serious decision was no accident. She could see that clearly now. Her relationship with Hayden hadn’t been settled, and this had weighed heavily on her soul, and thus, she hadn’t had the chance to start with a clean slate with someone else. She had no way of knowing what the future would bring, nonetheless, they had taken a huge leap forward in the last 24 hours, and the path of forgiveness and reconciliation they had now taken was the right way and the right direction.

Like a teenage girl before her first date, she changed about five times until she felt more or less pleased with her looks. Her heartbeat sped up as the time approached. At 20 minutes to one, she found herself glancing out the window with real nervousness. She seemed to recognize Hayden in every man that passed by.

In another part of London, inside a high-rise apartment, a young man was counting the sluggish minutes in anguish. Hayden had woken up earlier, at about 10. In his first waking moment, his eyes fell on the earrings with green gems he held in his palm. His lips curved into a smile at the sight, and he uttered a long, relieved sigh. Even though he had not slept very long, he did not feel tired. He was wide awake, more excited than he had been for many years, and impatient. As there was only a gaping emptiness in the kitchen and in the refrigerator, he had two sandwiches and a juice delivered. He quickly swallowed his late breakfast, and at 11 o’clock he was completely ready to go. He had almost two hours left for the drive to Lana’s apartment, which would take a half hour at most. He tried to calm his deranged senses by breathing deeply, but with little success. He paced up and down in his high-class modern, but sparsely furnished apartment. In the end, his gaze fell on the laptop lying on the desk, and on the spur of the moment, he opened it. After giving it some thought, he went to the IHIN Association webpage and searched feverishly for Lana’s photo under the heading Our Staff. After he found no picture or any mention of her, he realized with disappointment the site only published information on full-time employees. He shut the laptop discontentedly, but suddenly another idea came into his head. Although it seemed a little bizarre at first, and he was not sure that he would like what he might find, his fingers typed the name Ben Jones into the search engine almost automatically.

He creased his brows, annoyed, as the programme listed dozens of related links. He tried again: Ben Jones/engagement/Lana Bell. These more specific keywords brought up significantly fewer results. He did find a few articles on the musician’s engagement with a young woman, who is not in show business, but is all the more attractive. He found a few photos as well, obviously taken at some party. Though they were not the best quality, Lana was clearly recognizable in them leaning close to Ben and deep in conversation

. Other pictures had been taken in the street as they were hurrying towards a car with shaded windows. He found no official studio photograph, however. Ben Jones had evidently taken good care to keep his private life truly private. Of his personal life, very little was known by the public. Hayden found a few hints, like, Who is the mysterious woman by Ben Jones’s side? Or: Ben Jones appeared again with his beautiful girlfriend at the so-and-so bar in London, Jones is considering marriage. Friends say the rings have already been purchased, and the usual clichés.

These articles only vexed him further, and he had to admit he was filled with nausea at the thought that this famous and successful singer was once so close to his Lana. He was telling himself this was truly a thing of the past, and no matter how close they had been, Lana wasn’t able to take the final step. She didn’t marry Jones. That was a good sign, wasn’t it?

He decided not to torture himself further, but to set out on foot to clear his mind a little. He wore dark-blue, tight-fitting jeans with brown leather shoes and an elegant, white shirt. As soon as he passed through the revolving door, he looked around, a bit puzzled. Turning his face to the sky, he took a few seconds enjoying the goodness of the sunrays. It crossed his mind how little time he had spent in the open air over the last few years. Aside from the jogging he did quite regularly, he rarely ever went outside just for a nice walk. He had neither the time nor the mood for it. But this time it was different. It was a fine, clear day, not too warm, perfect for a stroll. Hayden glanced at his watch once more and decided to take a taxi for some of the journey and walk the rest of the way.

As he turned the corner and the house came into view, his stomach leapt, and he squeezed his hand around the green earring he kept in his pocket. He turned around in his confused mind how improbable it seemed that he was now meeting Lana, whereas the day before he hadn’t any idea of seeing her. As he was nearing the house, he grew more and more uncomfortable. He was overtaken by a strange sense of fear and uncertainty. Taking into account how long ago their last rendezvous took place and what a tragic turn it had taken, it was little wonder he had such a difficult time staying calm. He slowed his stride for the last few yards, but even so, he reached the entrance several minutes before one. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs leading to the door and leaned against a tall, stone flower stand. He fixed his eyes on the door, and waited. He may have seemed calm and confident on the outside, but inside he was shivering. He knew very well what he was afraid of, he just didn’t feel like putting it into words. He was terrified Lana might not show up at the gate at 1pm as planned, and he would not see her again.

He did not have to wait long, as the door soon opened and Lana glided out through it. She wore a frilly white skirt just above her knees and a loose summer blouse with a large collar. On her feet were high-platform sandals, and she carried a larger woven bag in a matching colour. She had let down her hair, which was slightly wavy at the end, and used only a thin headband to hold it back. Hayden noticed immediately that her hair was much longer than it had been at university. She stopped for a second at the top of the stairs and smiled tentatively down at him. He did not immediately smile back, because his attention was fully captivated by the sight before him. For a few moments, he even forgot to mind his manners, and his mouth fell open as he absorbed the beautiful spectacle. She looked very different from yesterday. She was dressed casually, her hair showing its natural beauty, with very little make-up. She was crisp, lively, and breathtakingly beautiful, even if this beauty was very different from the one he had seen night before. It took Hayden a few seconds to recover from his astonishment; he swallowed audibly, cleared his throat, straightened himself, and started walking towards her. Lana had just reached the last step when he stepped up to her. Thanks to the stairs, they were now the same height. They stood eye to eye for a while, and finally, when the first comfortable silence started to become awkward, Hayden managed to utter, „You look breathtaking today!’ through his faltering lips. Lana smiled involuntarily, and felt overjoyed at the thought the thorough planning of her garments for the day actually paid off. She had managed to guess the man’s taste. She replied with a tilted head: „Thank you, but you exaggerate as always.’

Hayden knew this was no exaggeration. He pulled Lana to himself by her wrist, and stroking her long brown locks, rocked her gently. Lana wrapped her arms around his neck and inhaled with satisfaction the scent of the aftershave she remembered from yesterday. Hayden lifted her carefully off the last step. Lana’s feet had not touched the ground when their faces briefly rubbed against each other. Hayden set Lana down gently, and breathed a three-second kiss on her mouth. Then he withdrew. Neither knew what the other was thinking, so they were hesitant. They both bore wounds and didn’t want to make mistakes. As they loosened their embrace, Hayden, looking into Lana’s face, gave a short, embarrassed laugh.

‘What?’ she asked hesitantly.

‘Nothing. Just, well, all of this.’ He spread his arms.

‘I know what you mean,’ Lana nodded, looking over his shoulder into the distance. ‘I too expect to wake up at any moment… But at the same time, I’m terrified of waking up.’

She dropped her head, but then she felt his fingers on her chin, turning her face towards his.

‘I think we should give ourselves time. Everything since yesterday evening has happened so fast. Maybe it would be best if we just tried to act normal, as much as we can, and just… let things run their course.’

In truth, his own current frame of mind lingered somewhere between utter confusion and hysterics, but seeing that Lana also felt uncertain, he wanted to lift her spirit, he wanted her to feel safe with him again, like long ago.

‘True,’ Lana nodded gratefully. ‘It’s best if we give ourselves time and,’ she looked up at the man with a deep sigh, ‘wait and see with the rest.’

The whole situation was just so insane they could do no more than try to behave as naturally as they could manage. Side by side, they wandered aimlessly, enjoying the conversation, simply getting used to the new situation. Hayden felt that no matter how much he longed for more, neither of them was ready for it. There was something about this woman that took his breath away, made his temperature rise; she carried a secret message, a unique promise, which was meant for him only. Yet he knew he had to be cautious, not only for her sake, but his own sake too. He had to guard his heart, as he was sure he couldn’t endure another disappointment. There was too much pain behind their back, and healing took time.

The Foundation and their activities related to it proved to be a rewarding topic, being conveniently neutral, yet concerning both of them. Hayden told her that his company supported a number of charities, so they received quite a lot of invitations to events like the one the day before. He admitted with a bit of guilt that he normally asked Christian to represent the company at such functions. It was a rare exception that on this occasion he had attended the party. With a catch in her throat, Lana thought about what a huge coincidence it was that they had met at all. What if Hayden had not noticed her in the crowd? She tried to shake the terrifying idea out of her head. As they both turned to look at each other, they knew exactly that they were thinking the same.

Passing a restaurant, at the sight of the specials on the notice board in the street, Lana had an idea.

‘What if we ate something? Are you hungry?’ she turned to him inquisitively.

‘Thank God!’ he answered, turning his face to the sky with agony. Lana laughed out. ‘I think a nice lunch would do me good. I can’t even remember when I last had a decent meal.’

‘All right, you poor thing. I’m also ready to eat at last.’

‘Great! Well, then…’ Hayden began, and he started for the restaurant door.

‘No! Not here!’ she shook her head confidently.

‘What do you mean not here? I’m half starved!’ he bent down, greatly exaggerating the severity of his condition.

Lana narrowed her eyes and began to whisper mysteriously.

‘I’ll take you to my favourite restaurant. It’s not too far from here. I’m sure you won’t regret it once you’ve tasted their lasagne!’

‘Oh, so you want an Italian restaurant. All right then, ragazzina!’ he said, laughing. ‘But then at least let’s take a cab!’

‘If you insist,’ she raised her eyebrows naughtily.

‘I’m too desperate. I insist on the taxi!’ he said, acting obstinate. He took Lana’s hand and pulled her along while waving to a cab vigorously.

This little incident with the taxi helped them overcome their intimidation regarding physical contact. Now that they had taken each other’s hand, confidentiality and intimacy was quickly restored between them. Hayden only parted from Lana for the brief amount of time to open the door for her. As soon as they were seated beside one another, Lana willingly slipped her hand into Hayden’s open palm.

After Lana gave the address to the driver, they sat silently, exchanging puzzled glances, just like teenagers. On the way to the restaurant, Hayden smiled to himself at the thought that in this situation nobody would have believed him to be the managing director of a multinational media company who was the employer of thousands. He grinned spontaneously, and in response to Lana’s inquiring look, he only breathed a warm kiss on the back of her hand.

As a regular customer, Lana received a warm and friendly welcome in the restaurant, and as a beautiful woman, she was given typical Italian compliments. Hayden was not at all surprised by this. He was well aware his companion was a remarkable creature. From a college beauty, she had morphed into a beautiful woman conscious of her own charm, and the waiters stopped in their course to gaze at her.

They chose a quiet table farther away from the entrance. Hayden left the choice of food up to Lana, while he confidently took it in his hands to flip through the wine list, and nodded with satisfaction at the sight of the 2009 Amarone della Valpolicella.

While they waited for the food, Lana told him about the organizational job she did for the foundation and her exceptional experiences during a project in Afghanistan, where she collaborated with the Helicopter Mission team.

‘Please, don’t laugh at me, but I really want to learn to fly a helicopter,’ she smiled at him naughtily.

Hayden shrugged and gave a response more serious than expected.

‘Come on, why would I laugh? It’s a time and money consuming activity, but I’m sure you’d make it if you really wanted to.’

That was Lana, and this was the very reason why he adored her. Other women dreamed about a spree at Harrods with a golden credit card, and she wanted to fly a helicopter.

Hayden was becoming more and more fascinated every second. He gazed at her glittering eyes and sensuous lips, listened to her enthusiastic account, and felt like falling once again. Falling into the bottomless chasm of love that Lana Bell impersonated for him, and from which – as he knew from experience – there was no clear way out. She was straightforward and intelligent. She was too proud to use her natural beauty to get ahead, to succeed. Miss Bell consciously went for the more difficult and challenging paths in everything she had set her heart on, and he suddenly realized why he was never able to live a full life without her.

As they became more and more absorbed in their conversation, more personal subjects began to come up. Hayden confessed that other than sports, most of his free time was spent with company issues. They observed together his private life looked more like that of a hermit than a young man in his early thirties. His friendly relations with Diana were mentioned again, and he voiced his regret about allowing himself at the time to be talked into the marriage. At this point, they were only a small step from their touchiest subject. When his parents were mentioned, Hayden tensed visibly. He purposefully hadn’t thought about the things he had learned about them the night before, but now the line of conversation took them to this subject, his subdued emotions flared up, and he could scarcely restrain himself. As he recalled the two of them not only knew about the circumstances of Lana’s sudden and surreptitious disappearance, but were in fact the cause of it, he felt sick with anger. Resentment and bitter disappointment ravaged his heart. He wanted to get even with them.

‘To think my mother and father had known about it all along… they saw what I was going through, yet never said a word. For years they watched me tread the depths of hell, trying to piece the broken shards of my life together. And they kept silent. Silent!’ he hit the table so hard that the glasses clattered. The guests turned in their direction with fright, but he obviously ignored them. ‘I stood before the altar with a woman I did not love. Yet they kept silent. They must have seen the lethargy and indifference in me. Why did they not stop me and admit everything?’ With anguish, he dug his fingers into his hair and leaned on his elbow. ‘They saw it, and they never even said a word. They sacrificed me for the sake of family. Family!’ He spat the word with hatred.

Lana chewed on her nails in agony as she watched his painful monologue. She hated to see him suffer, but didn’t know what to do for him. After all, he was right. His parents had treated him cruelly, used him, and manipulated him to serve their own purposes. Even her brain struggled to take in how a loving father or mother was able to do such a thing.

‘Oh, Hayden.’ She took his shaking hands into hers. ‘I cannot say how sorry I am.’

He looked at her with puzzlement and shook his head.

‘I’m not angry with you, Lana. I’m not angry with you.’

‘I know, but it still hurts. It hurts to see you like this. I would do anything to make it up to you, to undo all that has hurt you. If only it were within my power to turn back time!’

Hayden wanted to answer: Only you could make this miracle happen. If anyone has the power to overwrite the bad in my life with good, IT’S YOU. But such a confession seemed too theatrical to him, and a waiter came up to them anyway, to clear the table. When they were alone again, all he said was, ‘What’s done is done. But the fact that you’re here with me, means more than anything.’ He drew her hand to his lips and planted a long kiss on it. Then he continued in a somewhat calmer tone. ‘I have an urgent meeting in the city tomorrow, but then I’ll go home and visit my mother as soon as I can. She won’t be happy when she hears what I have to say, but I must say it or else I’ll explode. I want everything that’s been swept under the rug for all these years to come to light and be cleared up once and for all. If you only knew how sick and tired I am of this façade of harmony that has always been so important to them! I’m fed up with it all!’

He gave Lana a tortured look. She completely empathised with his pain. Her gesture as she reached her hand out to him and stroked his face gently conveyed all her love. She believed it would certainly relieve Hayden’s troubled feelings if they finally shed light on the situation and if his parents finally took responsibility for their actions. What would happen afterwards, she could not imagine, but it would only be better than the false peace that presently reigned in the Ravensdale family.

„I agree with what you want to do,’ she began cautiously. ‘In your shoes, I would probably also call my parents to account for their deception. This will play a significant role as you try to find your peace, but perhaps… you should wait a little. I think you’re still too much upset with what you just found out, which is perfectly understandable and natural. You may not be able to control your temper and your emotions in front of your parents, so,’ she scratched her forehead, ‘it might be better to wait until you’ve calmed down a bit.’ Hayden looked back at her, frowning a little, somewhat confused. ‘Don’t get me wrong! I’m not saying when you stand before your father…’

„No, Lana!’ Hayden interrupted.

She continued in a remorseful voice.

‘I know. I have no right to tell you what, when, and how to do it. It wasn’t my intention to give you unwanted advice.’

Hayden squeezed her hand and shook his head.

‘No, dear, you misunderstood,’ Hayden said gently as he saw her embarrassment. ‘It’s not that. I’ve just… realised you probably don’t know.… I suppose I didn’t mention it last night…’

Oh God, not again! – She thought with frustration.

‘What didn’t you tell me?’

‘My father is dead.’

‘What?’ she burst out, dumbfounded.

‘It’s been more than two years since he died. It was the third heart attack that killed him,’ he said. ‘Or guilt, perhaps? I truly don’t know. In retrospect, some things which happened before his death, things that I couldn’t quite place at the time, are just beginning to make sense.’

‘Oh my goodness! I’m sorry. I had no idea. You didn’t mention this when you were speaking about your parents yesterday.’

‘Yes, I realise now I didn’t mention it. I have no idea why,’ he shrugged. ‘It’s so strange somehow. We were never very close. We never had a kind of intimate father-son relationship. I always had the feeling when my brother died, he consciously eradicated every fatherly feeling in himself that could have made him weak or vulnerable. I always thought it bizarre that he never so much as said a word about Jacob, as if he had never existed. If by chance Jacob was mentioned between my mother and I and he was also present, he would pretend to be deaf or simply left the room. He simply erased him from his consciousness. Likewise, he treated me more like an employee or later on, as a business partner, than a son. We met less and less after my marriage. As his health started failing, he completely retired from the business and left everything to me, so eventually, we only saw one another when I visited them, quite rarely, at the family estate. His death shocked me more than it grieved me. Such a tough man, my father. That even a man like him, could collapse and just give up. Yes. I had the feeling, in the final days, he didn’t want to get better and wasn’t fighting any more. He gave up. He was exhausted.’

‘And he really never mentioned anything to you about what had passed between us? Is it possible, that he never even tried to explain things to you? I can hardly believe it!’

‘He never ever mentioned it. But as I think back, I do remember certain situations when he behaved in a strange way, and I never understood why. I remember a time when he called me into his office at home. This happened just before my marriage with Diana. My father kept his home office even when he no longer worked officially. This was his private little sanctuary that not even my mother could enter without knocking first. So one time, when I was home for a little while, he told me at lunch that he wanted to have a word with me. My mother threw him a quick, disapproving look, but neither of them said anything more about it. When I later complied with his request and paid him a visit at his office, he seemed oddly upset. We engaged in small talk for a while, and I had the strange feeling my father was embarrassed. Of course, I rejected the idea immediately because this was foreign to his nature, and I couldn’t fit the pieces together in my head. In any case, then we heard my mother’s powerful knock from outside, and she entered the room without hesitation. She cracked some strange joke about the kind of secrets two men like us might have that she could not know about.… Then she turned to my father and asked him if he had finally clarified those legal matters concerning inheritance and ownership over the company that he had wanted to speak to me about. My father sighed and said he was just about to bring it up, but now changed his mind about it, and decided it would be better to talk about these things when the company’s solicitor was also present. I had no idea what they were talking about. I had no knowledge of any legal matter that hadn’t been settled already. I thought it was just one of those displays of power my father liked to put up for those around him. I didn’t consider it significant and was just glad to leave as soon as possible.’

‘Do you think, perhaps… he wanted to talk to you about… about me? Maybe he wanted you to know what role they played in my disappearance, but your mother didn’t approve, and this was what she tried to prevent him from saying?’

‘I have no idea. Maybe. On the other hand,’ he continued thoughtfully, ‘I remember an occasion when it was my mother who seemed peculiar, and it was as if she was trying to tell me something that was very difficult for her. She said tha