4. GROWING THROUGH PAIN/WEEPING
-----Original Message-----
From: Joseph
To: Jenny
Sent: Thu, 16 Apr 9:32 pm
Subject: Re: Today's Gift - 04/16
Jenny,
It's always great talking to you. Even during this challenging time. I feel blessed to be able to be therefor you and to encourage you. I would encourage you to keep thinking about what has been going on inside of you, as you said in your email below. Also, think about what has happened in the last 4 – 5 years, what you remember, what you missed, and what you should be aware of in the future. Also, I do not mean to take it lightly or to undermine anything but remember that we grow the most during the difficult times. Challenges stretch us and push us to be better, if we take advantage of the lessons and learn. We can't go to the next level without a challenge. We do not want it, I know I don't, but you can look back and see that life always gets more difficult when we start to go higher. My friend, you'regoing higher. Emotionally, spiritually, and professionally. Mark my words. You know I am praying for you and will keep praying for you. Trust God. Don't let fear make you lose your mind. You can make it. You will make it. I believe in you, girl! Keep smiling...through the pain and tears. Take care.
Always,
Joseph
----- Original Message -----
From: Jenny
To: Joseph
Sent: Friday, April 17 7:27 AM
Subject: Re: Today's Gift - 04/16
I know what you say is true about challenges making us grow. I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes because my heart is so heavy. I look forward to the day when I won't think about him anymore. I did have good times with him and I don't think he is a bad person. I just think his womanizing ways is something he can't help. Something he has to figure out for himself. He isn't a spiritual man which really should have been my first clue. For some reason all the bad times keep playing on a loop in my brain. All the times I knew about other women and didn't walk away. I always knew he had a bad reputation both personally and professionally but in his words ... I thought people were just jealous of him because of his accomplishments. I want to be better, I want to be able todiscern what is placed before me that I may make better choices. I know God/the Universe has my back and I know this is temporary but it still hurts. I keep telling myself that I couldn't have spent almost 5 years with a person and expect for it to be over in 3 days. So, I know I will endure and be better for it. It is so hard for me to pray right now. I know God knows my heart. I know you and I have not spoken for a while even though we kept in contact through email. So, I believe God sent you to me to help me through this process and you will never know how grateful I am for you.
Love you
-J-
-----Original Message----- From: Joseph
To: Jenny
Sent: Fri, 17 Apr 8:06 am
Subject: Re: Today's Gift - 04/16
I woke up early this morning with you on my mind. You were heavy on my heart. So I prayed. It was spiritual warfare, and I felt good afterward. I felt confident. I felt a release. I am not trying to sound super spiritual, but I realized that God is the answer and is the one who is going to help you through this. Draw closer to God during this difficult time. I know it is tough, and I will continue to pray for you and with you through these struggles. I will hold you up, so when you can't pray you still know that someone is praying for you and reaching out to God on your behalf. Nevertheless, as you draw closer to God you will get more strength and more peace. I went to God about your job. I believe in my heart that you will not be fired. When I began to pray about your job I felt such a powerful presence. Jenny, we have been praying that your business grows. I believe God! I have assurance that you will not be fired. Do not be afraid. God is greater than any force or influence. Do not worry about what men can do to you. Trust in God, Jenny. Trust in God. I have peace and confidence that everything will be all right. After praying for you I was able to go back to sleep. Open your heart and let God speak to you. Go to church and hear His word for you. That's all I know. When I am in trouble or need an answer or don't know what else to do, I know God's got my back. I know that if I trust in Him, everything will work out fine. Not necessarily the way I think it should or want it to, but it will work out in my favor.
I like what I'm hearing from you. You're really digging deep. You're seeing what was there but would not allow yourself to see before. You're feeling the pain even though it hurts. Feel it and experience it as a reminder of what you don't want to feel and experience again. You're right, a man who is not spiritual cannot fulfill your needs. You have different desires and values. You're going in different directions. Usually, people we love who are not spiritual lead us away from our spiritual life because we want to please them instead of God. God in his love is constantly trying to draw us back to Him and sometimes takes drastic measures to get us back to where we need to be. I'm a witness to that and appreciate His tough love...though it hurts. You will be able to discern what and who is placed before you. This is one of the things that is going to help. When we talk again I will share more about how I am learning to discern things that were right in front of me. I knew it was wrong but wondered how could something so "perfect" be wrong. Well, it was "perfect" because that is what I wanted. It was wrong because it was wrong. I wanted to make myself believe it was right or good.
I really think counseling for you would be good. Not because you are bad but because you have some major things I do not think you have dealt with in your life. I think it takes talking to someone to get those things out and work on how to overcome them and deal with them. Also, I think it will help you take care of you. Counseling can help make us better. Not for someone else but for ourselves. So we don't hurt ourselves. So we can be whole. So we can deal with our issues. Wouldn't you rather give that special someone a "whole" Jenny, instead of a Jenny who gives her whole self but is not whole? Understand?
Yes, I too believe that God brought me to you. In fact, I believe he brought us together several years ago for such a time as this. I never would have imagined, but I am grateful to God to be here for you. I really am. You are my friend, and I appreciate you. I want the best for you. I want you to want the best for you and do something about it. I feel so much better about your situation because I am trusting God even more to work it out for you. At first I was just being a good friend and wondering what could I do. Now, I think I am being even a better friend by being there for you and really trusting God and praying to God to fill in the gaps where I can't help and to lead me to write and to say what will bless and encourage you. God loves you so much, Jenny. Please love you. I am praying against depression and shame. You have to come out of that if you are going there. Finally, it's not all about you. You are going to realize that someday you are going to be able to help someone in a similar situation make it through. How do I know? Because I'm doing it right now. I never would have guessed that all the pain and shame I endured was going to end up being a blessing for somebody else. So, my dear, sweet friend... keep smiling and enjoy your day!
Always, Joseph
To: Joseph
Subject: Re: Today's Gift - 04/16
Date: Fri, 17 Apr 14:12:07 -0400
From: Jenny
I hear what you are saying about praying and that. I have to talk to God and let Him know my heart is heavy right now and the words won't come. I know I sound like a big girl sometimes but inside I wish my mom was here to make it all better. Your words are encouraging to me and I believe all you are saying. One day I know I will look back and laugh at this. It's just the process right now and I appreciate and love you for holding my hand and walking me through it.
-J-
-----Original Message----- From: Joseph
To: Jenny
Sent: Fri, 17 Apr 2:19 pm
Subject: RE: Today's Gift - 04/16
Like you said, God knows your heart. In fact, He knows your pain and is holding you in the cradle of His arms.
I know what you mean, girl. There is nothing like a mother's comfort and love. I do not know if we ever grow out of that need or desire for that special comfort and love.
I am here for you, and I am willing to help you through this tough time. You are very welcome, Jenny. Thank you for being my friend.
It is so warm and beautiful here. I know it's not hot enough for you yet. You like it steamy if I remember. Well, this beautiful sunshiny weather in the 70's feels great to me. I hope you're experiencing and enjoy the same weather there.
Always, Joseph
[This life is full of pain and trouble. Naturally we do not want to experience suffering, but we need to go through the pain instead of trying to avoid it in order to get our healing. I am not saying that you should look for pain – you don’t need to look because pain will find you. I am saying to feel it and try to understand it so you can get through it and hopefully not have to go through it again. It might seem hard at the time, but it surely won’t last forever.]