Learn at my own pace? I was all for that. You cannot pressure people to do quickly what they will not. Red Hawk was nearly three years old when I met Suzanne. I saw her frequently in the neighborhood, jogging by herself.
She was slender in build, not like Twiggy, but slender, with long black hair that she wore in a pony tail. I’ve never been too intrigued with huge breasts, and Suzanne’s were very small and that feature, combined with her body, made her attractive. Never since her appearance in the neighborhood did I remember her smiling, she was stone faced. I greeted her when we passed, and later I greeted her when I met her in the gym I joined and all went unreturned.
She was pretty, but her attitude left a lot to be desired. I worked part-time for a product brokerage company, and I decided one night in the gym to get her attention, just to give her the opportunity to talk with someone.
After all, I was learning a lot from Cordra, and I was growing at my own pace.
That one night, in particular, she was on a treadmill next to mine, headset-free for a change, and working up a good sweat. When I finished my workout, I cleaned the equipment and took a sample bag from my gym bag. It had five small plastic sample shampoo, conditioner, mousse, shower- gel, and hair spray. I placed it beside her water bottle and said, “Merry Christmas.”
She never missed a beat as she cast a quick kill-glare at me. I smiled and walked away.
Before I reached the door the package hit me in the back.
I turned and faced a colder stare as she jumped back on the treadmill and ignored me.
I shifted my shoulders, picked the package and returned to her treadmill. I placed it roughly beside her water bottle again and stood straight.
“Maybe your parents didn’t teach you about the proper manner of accepting gifts. So, I’ll let it pass once and tell you. When someone offers you a gift, you accept it. You don’t throw it at them.”
She slammed her hands on the rails and placed her feet on the sides.
“Didn’t ask you for no damned gift,” she huffed.
“I know you didn’t ask for a gift. That’s the reason I gave it,” I said. “So, once again, Merry Christmas.”
“It’s not Christmas!” she nearly shouted.
“It stops being Christmas when I determine it to stop. Hasn’t stopped with me for nearly ten years.”
“Crazy old pervert,” she said and returned to her treadmill.
I shrugged and left the room without being hit with the package again.
Giving away product samples is an excellent gesture, and it helps to build a valid customer base. I didn’t see the woman in the neighborhood or in the gym for five days. Then Cordra answered the phone and passed it to me.
“Is this Jim?” she asked
“Yes.”
“The one who gave me a late Christmas gift?”
“Yes, I remember now. I haven’t seen you recently. How’s it going?”
She sighed before speaking. “It’s going. Say, I’m sorry about hitting you with that, but I don’t like strange men giving me gifts for no reason.”
“I did have a reason to do that.”
“I realize that. I like the shampoo and conditioner and the mousse. I’ve not been a fan of shower gels, but I’ll make an exception here. It smells yummy and leaves my skin feeling soft. Do you have some full-size available? I’ll take one of each.”
“I do. Do you want me to deliver?”
“No!” she said hastily. “I see that you live nearby, can I stop there and pick it up?”
“Sure. When?”
“Like tonight? In about half-an-hour? Is that good?”
“Okay. What’s the name and address?” I asked, reaching for a pen and my order pad.
“Why?” she demanded hotly.
“Why? Because this is a legitimate business, and the company requires a complete name and address of customers. Sometimes they send surveys and questionnaires and samples to customers for improvement, etcetera. No other reason.”
Cordra stopped washing dishes and looked across the kitchen.
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“Yes, ma'am I'm sure. You can use someone else’s name, but I’m not sure I’d want to do business with you under that situation. You understand? I’m up front with you. You have my name, address and phone number. You shouldn’t fear sharing the same with me. It will go nowhere else except to the company.”
She sighed. “Maybe I sound strange, but it’s only because you don’t know me. The name’s Suzanne Knight,” she said and gave me her address.
“Thanks, Suzanne. I’ll be ready for you.”
“Who’s that?” Cordra asked, wiping her hands on a towel and coming to the table.
“The jogger I told you about. Miss Bad Attitude with a good aim.”
“Oh, yes. She likes the products?”
“Yes, but not me. Something’s wrong with her. Maybe someone seriously hurt her before, and she never got over the pain.”
“Could be.” She kissed me before she ruffled my hair. “She didn’t want to give up her name?”
“No. But she finally gave me a name anyway. We’ll find out if it’s not real later, but that’s a good start. I guess I should get her products ready. She’s coming by soon.”
“What attracted you to her?”
“Attracted?” I said and stopped at the dining room door. “Physically her slender body and chest. I’ve got bigger breasts than her. Emotionally it was the pain that’s driving her bad attitude on life. Why?”
“Just curious,” she winked.
“You want to hang out here and evaluate,” I asked.
“Why not? I’ll finish the dishes and chill here. Too early to go home yet.”
“Such a smart ass,” I said and she nodded in agreement.
Suzanne arrived and stepped inside the kitchen door, looking nervous.
“Come on in,” Cordra invited and sat at the dining room table. "Want some tea or coffee?"
“No thanks,” Suzanne said. “I’ll just get what I came for and leave. Don’t want to impose myself. You know?”
“No, I don’t know,” I said and put the items in a plastic bag. “Cash or check?”
Suzanne opened her purse but her eyes kept traveling around the kitchen, dining room, and what she could see of the living room. She finally sighed and leaned against the counter. “I don’t know why I’m here,” she said.
“Would you prefer dealing with Cordra? If I’m bothering you, I can let her take over. There are no axe murderers, sexual perverts, or psychopaths here. Just normal people.”
Suzanne sighed again and shook her head. “I never thought that or meant that. Sorry.” She blushed and took out her wallet. “I’ll pay cash, if you don’t mind.”
At that time Red Hawk barreled into the dining room. “Hey, Mom, you seen my crayons?” he asked.
“They’re where they’re supposed to be, in your top right dresser drawer,” Cordra said.
Red Hawk made no reply but halted his course and looked at Suzanne.
“Hi,” he said and changed direction immediately.
When he got near to her he said, “Hi, I’m Red Hawk. You’re very pretty. What’s your name?”
Suzanne backed into the door when he touched her leg.
“You okay?” Red Hawk asked.
“No...I mean, yes...I’m alright, but I’m not,” she stuttered. “I just don’t know what I’m doing here.”
“My dad says you’re always where you need to be, no matter where and when it is,” Red Hawk said.
She laughed nervously. “I guess you’re dad’s right,” she said and recovered sufficiently to take the money from her wallet.
“Hand,” Red Hawk said, holding his small hand up.
“Excuse me?” Suzanne said, looking pale. “What on earth do you want?”
“Hand,” he repeated.
She smiled faintly and reached down her free hand.
“You have children? Can they play with me?”
She jerked away her hand and covered her face with both. “No. No children.” She faced me then. “Let’s get this done so I can leave. I'm not handling this well.”
“Okay,” I agreed and gave her change.
“Why you so hurt?” Red Hawk asked.
“I’ve got to go,” she said in way of answer.
Cordra arrived on the scene, picked up Red Hawk and arranged him on her hip. “Look, Suzanne, you’re fairly new in the neighborhood, and we’re having a cookout on Saturday. Why don’t you stop by? We’ve invited about ten other neighbors, and you’re more than welcome.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well, it’s an open invitation. Therefore, if you change your mind, you can come and accept the gift. You didn’t ask for it, so, it’s there for the taking. After all, it’s still Christmas,” I said.
“Cookout? Yeah! Cookouts are good,” Red Hawk said. “Buffalo burgers are yummy.”
“Buffalo? Real buffalo?” Suzanne said, with the door opened.
“And elk burgers,” Cordra said. “Nothing but the best in our house.”
Suzanne paused a moment and looked at Cordra. “Where’s your husband?”
Red Hawk giggled and Cordra smiled. “Where he needs to be right now. You want to meet him? Come to the cook out. Good night.”
With that Suzanne took her purchase and backed out the door.
“Very funny,” I said.
Red Hawk giggled louder. “You funny, Dad.”
“Strange woman, Suzanne,” Cordra commented.
“Agreed.” I looked at Red Hawk. “Why did you do that, son?”
“You and Mom teach me at a very early age to follow spirit guide. Never have you do the wrong thing. She hurts a lot. Like mommy does sometimes. Spirit guide said to go and touch her. So, I did,” he said as if everyone understood why.
“Very early age? You’re only three.”
“So?” He shrugged.
“Cordra, have you been teaching him things that I don’t know about?”
“Only what we’ve both agreed on,” she said.
“That was a very discrete answer. Have you visited the Lakota Tribal Elders?” I asked Red Hawk.
“Yes. They some cool people, Dad. Sit around hot rocks, sweat, and speak many truths.”
“You can go to bed now,” Cordra interrupted and placed him on the floor.
“Night, Dad,” he said and I picked him up to kiss him goodnight.
Then the silence grew heavy between Cordra and me after the swift and honest response from Red Hawk and my mind went back to the times that Cordra had her sad spells over her mother’s and father’s death. It occurred to me that she might be hiding them from me and that bothered me. When we first started our relationship, we were honest and up front with each other. I now realized that like Suzanne, she still had a problem. When I turned, I saw her disappearing to the living room, and I followed her.
“Red Hawk’s quite a character, eh? He nailed two women with tribal truths in one night.”
“Out of the mouths of babes,” she sighed and sank into the sofa. “I’m guilty. Didn’t want to bother you so constantly with my sadness. It still surfaces on occasions.”
“Have I ever turned you off or turned you down when you needed a shoulder to cry on? That’s one of the reasons I’m here. I want to help you through the problems of life, not avoid them or have you avoid them until they become a too serious problem.”
“I know. It just occurred to me one day that the sadness gripped me when you were having problems in your business, and I didn’t want to distract you from working out the problems. So, I locked it away, and then it came out when you were out of town, and Red Hawk wasn’t. Little snitch.”
“So, do you think Suzanne is sad?”
“You're changing the subject and letting me go without a reprimand? Thanks, love. Yes. She’s sad but there’s also something else deeper that’s causing her strange behavior. Human contact at any level seems foreign, may be frightening to her. It’s nearly like she was a wild animal and not liking any human contact. You know?”
“I know. I don’t know too many women who would so cringe from the maternal instinct to hold and touch children the way she did.”
“Think she’ll show up at the cookout?”
“If she does, she’ll be late, and she’ll keep one hand on the fence gate while she eats and watches over her shoulder.”
“Agreed. By the way, Beth called tonight. Nearly forgot. She wants to visit us next month. She hasn’t seen Red Hawk since she helped deliver him. I told her to come on.”
“Good. I’d love to see her again. Do you think I can get to the bottom of her problem?”
“Who? Beth’s?”
“No, Suzanne’s,” I said.
“You, no. Red Hawk, maybe.”
“I’m being serious here. What do you really think?”
She sat up and wrapped her arms around my neck. “If you want to help her, then I seriously think you’ll find her problem and help her to overcome it. You’re growing; you’re learning; you’re getting better, and I’m proud of you. I’m here for you. Just be careful. Some things that you want to repair might not appreciate being corrected. Know what I mean?”
“I do. Some evil spirits and demons don’t like to be told to let go and to move on,” I said soberly. “Now, is the death of your parents the only problem you have?”
She sighed and released me with no answer.
“Can I try to get to the bottom of that also? You’re my winchinchala, and I don’t like you suffering. What do you say? Do I have permission to dissect and analyze you?”
She laughed. “Please, my love, do that and help me. I’ve been here, beside you for a long time. Find that out. I’m here, by your side, by my own choice and free will, just like you are with me. Go for it. Please.”
Six days later, the smell of grilled buffalo, elk, and antelope meat filled the air. The neighbors gathered, and many of them brought some home-made side dishes, corn, cornbread, and the beer coolers. The closest ones we invited had turned-up noses the first time we offered buffalo, elk, venison, and antelope. The Bambi Syndrome overwhelmed them. However, after a taste and some hard facts of the real starvation that are hidden from the public, there was anticipation for the Bennington Barbeques.
Suzanne was an hour late, but I’m glad that she did make a show. That was a step in the right direction. She spoke to me and to Cordra, refused any beer or food, and gradually motivated to the area where the children played.
Nevertheless, she remained a good distance away. I finally surrendered the grill to someone else and fixed a buffalo burger for her.
“How do you like this?” I asked, and she jumped as if shocked by electricity.
“You scared me,” she wheezed.
“You’re most welcome here. It’s really sad to see people spend their lives, alone, and out of touch with the rest of the world. It’s distressing to see people reject the love that’s their right and abundant on this earth.”
“Is this really buffalo?” she asked, ignoring my speech.
“Yes, it's real buffalo. It has higher protein and fiber, lower cholesterol, fat, and calories, than any cow burger. It’s healthier for you than any cow, pork or chicken product, and you, probably like most people inhale those meats like candy. Take one bite before you judge its flavor or benefit in your life. Take a second to know me before you judge me foul and unfit to be in your life. I’ve done nothing to you. The buffalo has done nothing to you,” I said.
“Whoa! That was too intense.” She took a huge bite. “Fetch me a beer?”
I grinned and complied. When I returned, the burger was nearly gone.
“This is really delicious,” she said.
“Want another?” I asked.
“Yes, but make it elk. I think that’s what, uh, Cordra said the other night. Where is she?”
“I’ll send her to see you. You like her?”
“Yes, I think I might. I’d like to meet her husband also.”
“But you don't want to meet me?”
“I’ve already met you. You have a nice daughter and grandson.”
“But you don’t want to know me? Why?” I asked. It was obvious that she didn’t recognize me as Cordra’s husband and Red Hawk’s father.
“Because you’re too old. I’d get to know you and maybe like you and when I needed you most; you'd be gone, just like my mom and dad.”
“Oh,” I said, numbed by her deadpan presentation, and I turned away from her. Wonder what’s going to happen when she meets Cordra’s husband? I pondered as I walked away. This could be interesting. Too old and die when I’m needed. Damn. How disheartening. Is that what happened to her to cause her bad attitude? I'm too elderly? She called me an old pervert when I gave her a gift before. Damn.
I found Cordra talking with George Warrington in a corner of the yard. “Who will you vote for next week? William Grant?”
“No. Definitely not,” she replied.
“How about me?” I interrupted.
George’s eyes widened. “Are you considering running? You’d be a great man on the board. After seeing the results of your son, if you do, you got my vote.”
“Mine too.” She hooked my arm.
“George, would you excuse us for a moment. I’ve considered running for the school board, but not this year. For now, would you go and welcome Suzanne Knight to the neighborhood? She’s the one dressed in black shorts and a red tank top over by the playground.”
“What’s her problem? She has a bad attitude?”
“Your wife had a bad attitude and had an affair with many men before we knew it. It had to hit the newspapers and the televisions before we had a clue. Suzanne’s got a problem. That’s not an issue. What’s the problem? We don’t know. Just be kind to her as we were to you. Okay?” I said.
He grinned and shook my hand. “Sure. Excuse me. I’ll charm her into a good attitude for you.”
Cordra turned to depart also, but I stopped her. “Hey, sweets, as a professional courtesy, Suzanne is mine,” I said.
Her brow wrinkled. “Pardon me? Suzanne is yours?”
“She wants to meet your husband. I feel the best place for that is inside the house, away from the mainstream of our development. She has a problem of old people dying on her, like you do.”
“But professional courtesy? She’s yours? Your patient?”
I sighed and slapped my legs. “Okay, I admit that might sound a bit dumb, but I want to be the one who breaks the hard shell she’s built around herself. I want to revel in the fact that I could cause a positive change in a precious life. Is that wrong?”
She adopted her tender, motherly look. “No. I’ve been waiting for you to do something like this. I’m happy and proud of you. And as a professional courtesy, if she reveals anything to me, I’ll let you know. And if you need any advice, guidance, etcetera, then you know where to find me. Okay?”
I groaned and slapped myself. “Sounded a bit possessive and silly, right?”
“Just a tad.” She laughed and kissed me. “But, it was very cute also. Let me serve her an elk burger, and I’ll take YOUR patient inside. Then MY husband can make an entrance. Okay?”
“Never a dull moment with my mouth,” I muttered and watch her walk away. “I’m lucky she found me. Just remember that, and don’t screw up.”
“So how long have you been here in our neighborhood?” Cordra asked.
Suzanne swallowed a bite of elk burger before answering. “About ten months or so. I think I missed out on a lot of these burgers, though.”
“Where do you work?”
“In Pine Ridge for a law firm. I’m in the secretarial/typing pool right now. I’m working on getting certified as a paralegal and that will increase my income considerably.”
“Excellent.”
“It will be excellent when I can move from that small rental on Sycamore Drive. One bedroom is all I need, but most of the time I feel cramped.”
I entered the kitchen and sat with them. “Any boyfriends?” I asked and the tension increased a notch or two.
“No. Don’t need them.” She turned to Cordra. “So, where is your husband? What’s the big secret with him?”
Cordra grinned mischievously and pointed to me. “He’s right here.”
“You’re kidding? Right? But he’s old enough to be your father.”
“And yours also. You’re what? About twenty-eight?” I said.
“That’s right. Why didn’t you tell me before now?”
“We do this sometimes to play with people when we see that they have jumped to conclusions. He’s the father, I’m the daughter, and Red Hawk is his grandson,” Cordra explained.
“Oh boy. You sure pulled a fast one on me.”
“So, why did you want to meet her husband?” I asked.
“I don’t really know. It just seemed to me that she’s so well-adjusted, poised, you know, that I wanted to see what her husband was like. You know, maybe get to know them and hang out with them. I don’t know. Ever since you approached me with that small gift, things keep leading back to you.”
“And you don’t think old people can help you? I might die on you, but Cordra’s younger husband might serve some useful purpose in your life?”
She blushed and waved her hands in the air as she talked. “I don’t know, really. I was maybe hoping, that, well, that he would be compatible enough that I could hang out here.” She stopped and closed her eyes. “I just don’t know and not knowing is very disturbing for me. Sometimes it’s intolerable. You know?”
“So, am I compatible enough for you to do that? Both of us would like to be friends with you and get to know you.”
“Yeah, right,” she snapped and stood swiftly. She gazed longingly at Cordra and then like the first night; she did an eye tour of the rooms that she could see. Then her eyes were back on Cordra. “Maybe. We’ll see. However, I don’t wait very well. I can’t wait too long. Otherwise." She appeared on the verge of tears when she turned and strode swiftly from the kitchen.
We didn’t move before the door closed behind her. “Wow!” we exclaimed together.
Cordra was up and pacing the kitchen floor. “Did you feel it?”
“Yes. She looked very sweet and tenderly toward you, but all I could see was chainsaws, tearing you apart.”
“Right on! I didn’t do anything to her, but that brought so many self-defense ammo into play that it frightened me.”
“Maybe I need to rethink this.”
“No. You proceed where you’ve opened the door. I’m just going to steer clear until you find out exactly what’s going on. Even so, I must say, you’ve got a high-tension wire here. She could explode in a venomous rage or a flood of tears. Either one will destroy her walls. Let’s hope for the latter and be very careful when you push her buttons.”
“Are you certain?"
“I’m sure, but would you mind if I visited the Lakota Women’s Council? I’d like to do that openly now, because of her.”
“You have my blessing on that. Arrange for Red Hawk if things get too serious. No problem there.”
The relief was obvious, and I went on. “Also, you don’t have to ask in the future, unless you just want to let me know you’re doing it. You’re one awesome Lakota squaw, and you’re smarter in matters of this than I am. Don’t hesitate to protect our young warriors, the one we have and those to come. Rely on your spirit and just get it done. Okay?”
She closed the distance between us like a flash and clung to me as if it would be our last hug ever in this life. “I’m grateful for the day I met you,” she whispered into my ear.
“The same goes here. You brought life where there was death, love where there was nothingness, and hope where there was despair. And yes, I bless the day I left the door open for my winchinchala.”
She straightened, flashed me her car-salesman smile, and caught my hand. “Come on. Let’s return to our party and release this funky mood.”
We invited Suzanne to dinner the following Saturday. She accepted after some hesitation. The dinner went smooth and Red Hawk charmed a smile and laughter from her on occasion. That was the first of several and every dinner brought more openness, and I gradually gathered a lot of information from her. When she planned to leave one evening, I asked, “So, why no boyfriends? It seems to me like that’s the goal of every woman in life.”
“Not me.”
“Why not? You’re often a loner, and a bit shy, but you’re a very attractive woman. So why not?”
Sabu Both her hands pointed to her chest and anger flashed across her face. “Me? A woman? How little you know!”
Bingo! I said to myself and Cordra’s brow wrinkled. My mind raced at high speed and I came up with three or four problems that might exist to cause that answer.
“From the outside you are. You’re appealing and physically very attractive to men. You’re definitely a woman. So that leaves only a couple of possibilities. Are you attracted to women?”
“No! I’m not!”
“You’re not a transsexual or transvestite?”
“You’re sick! I don’t have to put up with this crap!” She was on her way to the door again.
“But you do. Every day you put up with it and you don’t have to. You’re here in an environment of extreme love. We offer unconditional love and acceptance. You don’t have to be afraid of me or anyone in this house.”
She barely whispered. “I know. It keeps me coming back, and it also frightens me.”
“Why does it frighten you?”
“I don’t want to lose it. Like I’ve lost it before. The pain won’t go away, won’t stop. It’s a never-ending nightmare!”
“So, we’ve eliminated several things and there must be something that you know, and we don’t that makes you feel like you’re not a woman.”
Her hand was on the doorknob.
“Is it because of the children? Like you can’t have them,” I ventured.
Her head shook.
“Well, the only thing left is the one thing that attracted me to you at the very beginning. That’s your breasts. I like them. Do you think they’re too small? I think they’re perfect.”
Her head sagged forward against the closed door and the rest of her followed. “Damn you!” She turned, and her foot kicked a cabinet door. Her face was red with anger.
“You’re sick! How can you....?”
“Because of love.”
“Love? Who can love me? Breasts? I have none!” she screamed.
Cordra was on her feet and pacing the floor again. Suzanne was rooted to the floor, and she supported herself by leaning on the counter.
“All the tests. All the waiting. More tests. Then the sad news. It’s cancer. No hope to save them? I’m too young. I’m too young! But cancer don’t give a damn about your age or what you think! Then chemotherapy to try and save them. Endless nights of agony, puking, more pain, losing my hair. More tests and cancer is still there, growing, waiting like a damned vulture for you to give up and die! I chose life. But if this hell is life, then maybe I made the wrong choice! Damn you! Maybe I should have died!”
She dropped to her knees.
“I go places and I see families. I see children. And when I do, I yearn for them. And the mastectomy demon crushes my heart. Squeezes it until it breaks and I give up!”
I was moving toward her and Cordra’s strained face was shaking.
Suzanne jumped up and ran to me, hugging me desperately.
“How can you love the way you do? I don’t understand. Why are you doing this?”
“Because it’s the only way I know how to love.” I patted her back gently. “Let the pain go, Suzanne. Love yourself and let yourself be loved. It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay!” She twisted from my embrace.
“You know it is.”
She grabbed a glass from the sink and swung it as if to break it against my head. Instead she slammed it into the sink where it shattered.
“Not! Leave me alone! I hate you! I hate you!”
She bolted through the door and with a squeal of tires, she was gone and the evil spell in the kitchen and dining room lifted somewhat.
“I think I broke through to her, didn’t I?” I dimmed the chandelier lights.
“More than you know.” Cordra watched the door nervously.
I felt and acted smug. “Oh. Did I miss something?” I asked and sat down in the chair by the dining-room window. It was then that I noticed the moon, nearly full and hanging in the sky. It was painted a mixture of orange and blood-red colors.
Cordra grabbed the portable phone, crossed the floor, and knelt before me. She dialed a number and talked to me while she waited. “She’s coming back. Look, I know you know what you’re doing, and I’m still staying clear. However, I must say this.” Her face grew painful. “I’ll forgive you ahead of time if it happens.”
“Whoa! Hold on a moment.” I protested as my mind leapt forward to a sexual encounter. That’s not what I had in mind. “That’s crazy.”
“Listen to me!” she shouted. “If a leads to b and then c, don’t refuse her. You’ll add so much hurt to