Spring gave way to full summer. Outside, the hills had that brilliant shade of green that comes after a heavy rainfall. Sunlight glittered on the wet grass like stars scintillating in a night sky of absolute clarity. Inside, Alison sat in her room, gazing thoughtfully at her latest purchases. Quite why she had bought such items she wasn’t very sure. No, it was no use pretending. She knew exactly why. Although she had been in David’s company for only a few short months, she had fallen in love with him with a speed that was almost frightening, and loved him with a passion that truly scared her. In the nicest possible way, of course. Perhaps it was inevitable, given that they were in each other’s company so much, hardly seeing anyone else. Visitors to the house were non existent. Local people expressed a polite interest in David’s new housekeeper, accepting her for what she was, behaving with friendliness towards her, but otherwise leaving her alone. Nor did she know how to become involved in local activities, never having had the practice. She hadn’t quite understood why people were so friendly, why they didn’t seem to find anything odd about her sharing a house with David. Of course, there was a greater tolerance for that sort of thing than there used to be, but people still made remarks. Yet here they apparently didn’t. Puzzled, she had asked David. His answer had satisfied her, yet still made her wonder.
’Why don’t people pass remarks? There could be several reasons, Alison,’ he had explained. ‘It may be that they don’t care, but I wouldn’t really believe that. It may be that they do comment, but are two faced enough to be able to hide their feelings.’
She shook her head. ’No, I can’t believe it. I don’t think anyone is that good at acting.’
He smiled. ’Perhaps you’re right. It may simply be that I am known to be reasonably wealthy, and therefore untouchable by common mores.’
She shook her head again. ’In your case perhaps. Not in mine. I’m just a poor church mouse who should be fair game for any sharp tongue.’
’Have you considered that people are just naturally good natured and tolerant? Most people, anyway. It may be different if you were disturbing their lives, but you don’t. You leave them alone, and they return the compliment. There must be exceptions, of course. You may recall your previous landlady for example. Yet I do think most people are decent, and don’t think evil of anyone who doesn’t give them just cause.’
Thinking of this answer she undressed and stood to consider the view in the full length mirror set on the wall by the window. Not bad, she thought. Slim legs, firm breasts, a bit small perhaps, but none the worse for that. She had no idea of David’s tastes in that direction. Flat stomach, but otherwise everything was rounded in what seemed to be all the right places. It seemed a pity that David wouldn’t enter the room at that moment. There was no lock on the door, even now. She had dissuaded him from fitting one.
’What’s the point?’ she had asked. ’If you are going to attack me, you can do that just as easily during the day as at night. Day clothes don’t give much more immunity than a nightgown.’
Well, he hadn’t attacked her. He hadn’t even touched her, except once or twice accidentally, and had apologised even for that. There was the problem. I may not be the right person to judge, she thought, but the mirror tells me I’m not exactly a hag. Not that I wanted him to come too close, not in any intimate way, not at first, but now...? She remembered with a shudder how Joe had touched her. That had been horrible, dirty and nasty. And yet if David did the same thing I would welcome it. But he never will, not without a fair degree of encouragement. Maybe not even then, she thought sadly. And for whose benefit would that be? His or hers? For both, she decided dispassionately, definitely for both. There was passion and love bubbling deep inside her, seeking an outlet, seeking a way in which to give all that she had. She stroked her body from the shoulders downwards, across the breasts and to the thighs, resting there lightly. With eyes closed, she tried to imagine that the caressing hands were David’s. Her eyes opened again and she looked at her reflection with determination. If he won’t come to me, then I will have to go to him. Maybe he doesn’t want me at all, she mused. Well, it will be worth the effort to find out, and there seems to be only one way to do that. Hopefully he doesn’t get shocked enough to throw me out. Probably not. He may be a gentleman, but he’s still a man, and he did call me attractive once. And he has been married before. Perhaps that’s the problem. I don’t see how I could match up to his wife. He still misses her, I know he does.
David had told her of his marriage, of Laura and his beloved Helena, late one night, explaining how he had got the scars that marred his face, the burns that discoloured his neck. He had shown photographs, photographs he had carefully put away in a drawer, as though he couldn’t bear to see them on display on the living room walls. Alison had found them when tidying the living room and had asked about them.
‘My wife,’ he said shortly. ‘And Helena, my daughter, taken just before the traffic accident that took them away from me. It was a petrol lorry with a burst tyre. They died in the fire when the lorry burst into flames. I died myself that day,’ he continued. ‘Died inside, that is. I wanted to join them, and perhaps would have done if someone hadn’t held me back. I tried. God knows I tried. It was awful to hear Helena screaming in the flames and be unable to reach her. She suffered so much.’
‘I don’t suppose you can ever get over that,’ said Alison with compassion, shocked beyond belief at the stark story.
‘Never. I can still hear her, mainly at night. Always at night. Every night, it seems to be. I don’t think I’ll ever really recover. Somehow it seems worse when it was Helena. She survived the crash, you see, only to be trapped and burned alive. My wife was dead already. I knew that. I could see it. That was horrible too, but at least she was past feeling anything, past feeling the flames.’ He smiled without humour. ‘I think I must have turned a little mad after that. Insane. You know. Or perhaps you can guess. I buried them in Finland, then I came back to England and buried myself in the countryside, seeing people only when it was necessary, and not always even then.’
‘But you learned to talk about it,’ said Alison. ‘That’s a good sign, surely?’
‘Is it? I’ll tell you something you obviously don’t realise. This is the first time I’ve ever talked about the incident since the inquest. But then you are one of the very few people I’ve held a conversation with for several years.’ He smiled again, this time with warmth. ‘I’m obviously feeling a little depressed tonight, and my defences are down. My apologies for inflicting my problems on you.’
‘There’s no infliction,’ she said. ‘If it helps, I’m willing to listen.’
‘Thank you,’ said David. ‘I appreciate it. Perhaps it does help, just a little.’ He sighed. ‘I’ll never forget, but I have learned to live with it, and life does go on. Trite, but true. Just the same, I offer my thanks again.’
That night she had gone to bed, troubled and anxious for him, but understanding a little better his need for a constant garden bonfire. With the crumbling of David’s natural reserve as they got to know each other better, he had also told her of his long expired besottedness with Stella, of the price she had demanded, and of his efforts to meet it. He told her of her response, and of her lack of patience.
’Just as well,’ said David. ’I wouldn’t really have been happy with her. No, she married Rupert and I think I was well out of it. I know I was well out of it.’
’And you never met her again, I suppose. Or did you?’
’Actually I did. Twice. The first time was rather interesting.’ David’s thoughts wandered back to that meeting with distaste. ’It’s not a very pleasant story. She came to my house late one night, before I got married, and offered herself. Offered her body there and then, as though I could be bought as cheaply as she seemed prepared to sell herself for. Rupert’s business had failed, you see, and she thought I could be her next provider. She wasn’t even bothered about waiting for a divorce either. Unfortunately for her, I had developed a bit of commonsense by then, and I let her know I wasn’t for sale. She was out of the door quicker than thought itself. To be honest, I threw her out. Well, that’s men for you. I suppose I was as stupid as most. Anyway, the incident pushed me into making up my mind about Laura. We were married a couple of weeks later, in a hurry as usual, as I always was in those days. I simply didn’t know how to stop.’
David’s voice trailed off and his eyes went semi blank. Alison looked at him in concern. He became aware of her expression and shook himself back to the present again.
’The second time was even worse,’ he said. ’She and Rupert had divorced by then, or maybe they were just separated. I’m not sure about that. Whichever it was, they hadn’t been living together for some time, that I do know, although neither of them lacked the company of the opposite sex, and that was common knowledge. It was not long after I came back to England that she came to see me again, and again offered herself. She knew I had recently been left on my own, a few weeks only, in fact, hardly more than a month. It was a bit hurried, even by my standards, and a bit pointed, even for Stella. She wanted to get in before anybody else had a chance. She never understood that after Laura... well, I’m sure you know what I mean. You are a good deal more compassionate than Stella ever was.’
’That must have been awful,’ whispered Alison.
David breathed out heavily. ’It wasn’t very pleasant. Still, I did have the satisfaction of telling her that if she insisted on bothering me in this way, I would seek legal advice.’
’Would you really have done that?’
David smiled. ’No, I don’t suppose so, even though she would have deserved it. She always liked to be the equal of men, if not even better, so I thought it reasonable to treat her in the way a man would have been treated if he had been paying unwanted attentions to a woman and refusing to give up. Anyway, it was shortly after that I came here to live in solitude. She doesn’t know where I am. Nor, I’m certain, does she care. Why should she? After all, she never did. Except for the money, that is, and it always seemed a high price to pay for a bit of hanky panky on the carpet.’
Alison sighed at the memory, her heart reaching out for him. Slowly she dressed. A scrap of lace across her hips, enough to cover, yet not failing to project the subliminal message she wished to give. She inspected a lacy, see through bra carefully before putting it resolutely to one side. Blouse with the top button undone. More than sufficient. Short skirt, really meant to suit teenage fashions, but which was more than passable for a woman of her size and shape. Lifting her arms, she noted with satisfaction how the hemline rose up and revealed what was meant to be a tantalising sight of what lay beneath. White under black. Yes, that seemed suitable. Both colours made her look good. She leaned forward, frowned in dissatisfaction, then unfastened another button on the blouse. Not that there was anything to be seen, even now, not that she had so much to flaunt anyway, but there was more than a hint of something interesting below. Sandals completed the attire, no need for anything else. Luckily it was a warm, late summer’s day, giving ample reason to be lightly dressed. She hesitated with her fingers wrapped around the door handle, wondering with a pang of sudden depression if in reality she was any better than her mother. Then commonsense came to her rescue. This was love, not lust. This was an act of giving, not taking. Not that she was unwilling to accept whatever David might give, but essentially she was offering herself in full, without reservations. Nor was lust entirely absent. Her bodily reactions gave an unambiguous message regarding that. She smiled in anticipation and went downstairs.
From the comfort of the sofa, David watched his housekeeper at work. No longer merely a housekeeper. A companion, yet more than a companion. A friend, yet more than a friend. He had never felt as close to anyone in his life before, saving the presence of Laura, yet conscious of her need for sanctuary, he kept his thoughts and feelings under tight control. One false move, one wrong word, and she might move away, something he didn’t want to happen. The book he was supposed to be reading lay unheeded beside him. He hadn’t found the information he was seeking in it, and it was becoming increasingly clear that he never would if he continued to sit and stare.
Even now, it was still a novelty for him to be told to sit down and do nothing. A novelty and a pleasure. Not that there was much in watching somebody standing on a low stool, taking down curtains and washing windows, but there was, he decided, a certain enchantment in looking at slim legs barely encased in a skirt almost short enough to be classified as a belt. As she stretched up, the hem rose higher at the back to expose alluring glimpses of underwear. Mainly lace which left little or nothing to the imagination, he noticed with a profound sense of approval, then feeling a quick flow of shame as he realised what he was thinking. Dirty old man. Well, maybe not so old after all, he thought with a mental grin.
That she was aware of his glances became clear when she caught his eye and blushed in confusion. He returned her confused look, then stood up with a determination that owed more to self discipline than anything else.
’What is it, David?’ The words, somewhat throatily pronounced, as though the speaker was labouring under a certain strain, were accompanied by a half smile that robbed them of any offence that might otherwise have been present.
He sat down again and his face reddened slightly as he answered. ’I’m sorry, Alison, I didn’t mean to be so obvious, but it’s a bit difficult not to see... certain things... from here. It’s not deliberate.’
She stepped down from the stool and sat on it facing him, knees rather wider apart than was duly consonant with the strictest dictates of modesty, and with a determined look on her face. With an effort he averted his eyes, but to no avail. White lace seemed to be burned on his retina.
Alison’s heart pounded, and her flesh went hot and cold in turn. Her employer’s face wavered in a misty haze. Her body trembled, and she searched for breath. I haven’t committed myself totally yet, she reflected with an effort. I could back out right now. He would understand. On the other hand, what’s the use of starting something if you don’t see it through to the end? It’s not fair to him. And I want him so much it hurts. She sucked in air deeply and and hoped she had her voice under control.
’Why should I mind if you see the colour of my underwear? After all, you bought it for me, or at least it was your money that paid for it, so I guess if you can take pleasure in looking at it, you’re entitled to do so.’
David shook his head. ’A faulty theory, Alison, and one I have never subscribed to.’ He smiled boyishly. ‘I’m probably normal enough to admit that the idea is not altogether unattractive, but there’s a principle attached, you see. I could have moved somewhere else. I have plenty of work I could do. Should be doing, in fact. Books don’t get written without effort.’
’It’s your house, David, and you sit where you like. If I objected to you looking at me in that way, I could have started working in quite another room. Or I could have worn clothing with a lower hemline. Or something designed rather more to kill passion than to inflame it. But I didn’t. On the contrary, I have to admit that I like it when you look at me. It’s a feeling I’ve never had to get used to before, not from anyone, at least not in this way.’
’Which only shows a remarkable lack of good taste on the part of mankind in general. In any case, looking at you is one thing, casting glances up your skirt is something totally different. I have no entitlement to do that.’
’Why shouldn’t you cast glances? I’m glad you did. In fact, I was beginning to think that you never would, in spite of the provocation. And I have been provoking you, you know, but you never seemed to react. It made me wonder.’
’Wonder what? That I was abnormal?’
’Of course not, only that you were too much of a gentleman. Or that possibly there was something wrong with me. Even now my ego’s not at its highest possible level.’
David’s eyes gleamed with considerable humour. ’Something wrong with you? Not from where I’m sitting. I think I’m as susceptible as the next man to alluring sights, but that’s not what I brought you here for, and you know it. I should be under better control. Unfortunately,’ turning his eyes back to her knees and blinking hard several times, ’unfortunately I’m not.’
She came across to the sofa and sat on his lap, putting her arms around his neck and looking at him with a serious expression on her face. He tensed involuntarily, then relaxed in astonishment.
’I’m happy to hear that you’re not. Besides, why else would I put on such a short skirt? And who else would I wear clothing like this for? There’s no-one living within a mile of us, and they would need very powerful binoculars to see what I’ve been showing off. You see, David, I’ve not been here so very long, but in that time I’ve come to respect you totally for what you are. I liked you well enough before, on our first meeting. You gave me a feeling of security even then. You were so kind you made me cry. Now I’ve learned to love you, if you don’t mind me saying so, and I feel like crying again. I’d do anything to make you happy, you must realise that, and if looking at me wearing short skirts gives you any pleasure, then I’ll wear short skirts, quite apart from the fact that it’s sensible wear in this weather.’
David blew out his lips in astonishment.
’My dear Alison, I rather thought you were getting fond of me. I hadn’t realised things had gone so far though, and so quickly. It was only fairly recently you were holding my hand, although that was maybe designed to keep me under control. Now you’re sitting on my knee and talking about high rise hemlines, a thing clearly designed to make me lose what little control I have left. At this rate, I’ll have the skirt off you and get you into my bed by the time the year is out.’
Alison poked her tongue out at him. ’I do hope it wouldn’t take as long as that. Do you really think I would mind? You told me what you wanted from me before I came here. More importantly, you told me that what you were not looking for was a bedwarmer. As it happens, I believed you, I had to believe you, but it still gave me a sense of surprise to find that you actually meant every word.’
’Even if I cast glances up your skirt when I think you can’t see?’
’Even then. Especially then. You may have looked, I’ll confess you were meant to look, but you still managed to keep your hands off. I respect you for that, even though I have to admit to a feeling of slight disappointment. It’s a natural thing to do in any case. You would probably be far less of a man than you are if you hadn’t looked, especially when I’ve been rather blatant about it. No, I don’t blame you for that. On the contrary, I rather like it. It makes me feel much more of a woman than I’ve been used to. As you know, I’ve never had much in the way of friends, and boy friends have been non-existent. Quite whose fault that is I really don’t know, probably mine as I’ve never been able to bring myself to believe that an outing should be paid for automatically in bed. However it is, I’m not accustomed to admiration, so it’s not surprising if I react favourably when I’m on the receiving end, even if it’s nothing more than a man’s natural desire to peek up a woman’s skirt. When it comes from you, that is.’
She hesitated, and her voice trembled. ’Perhaps I should tell you that when you first brought me here I would have come to your bed if you had insisted, just as long as you let me stay. One night walking the pavements made me desperate enough to face the realities. At that time I would have rejected the idea, as a principle, but I would have done it anyway, despite my objections. Principles don’t often outlast the realities, do they? Since I got to know you better, I can’t really object. I don’t want to object. I couldn’t even if I tried, because knowing where your eyes are wandering sets my body shivering in a comfortable sort of way. You must understand, it’s such a little thing when I owe you so much.’
Little, David mused, without expressing the thought aloud, just about sums up what I’ve been looking at. Little? Minuscule, more like. So small, in fact, that it makes a man wonder if there can be anything underneath at all. It might be pleasant to find out. He shook himself back to reality.
’You owe me nothing, Alison. Anything I’ve done, I've done because I wanted to, not because I could see an easy way of getting you in bed. I could have passed you by, or simply thrown you a few coins, but as I stopped and listened to you, my conscience wouldn’t let me walk on.’
’That’s your impression, David. I know differently. I owe you just about everything - a comfortable life here with only as much work attached as I feel like doing. You have given me something I never really had before, my self respect. You’ve given me a future and a home. You saved my sanity. You even allowed me to save my virginity.’
David cocked an eyebrow at her in interrogation.
’Oh, I know you probably won’t believe it. Who would, after all, especially when knowing my family background? It’s not even the sort of thing that anyone is supposed to admit to these days. It happens to be true just the same.’
’My apologies, Alison. I wasn’t expressing doubt. Virginity may a little rarer than it used to be, but if the truth be known, it’s still probably more common than is generally supposed. It seems that people aren’t allowed to confess it. Not in public, anyway. No, I was just wondering how on earth I could be responsible for your continuing state of er... innocence.’
’Well, apart from the fact that you have behaved towards me like the perfect gentleman you are...’
’Other than giving surreptitious glances in places I’m not entitled to look,’ he interrupted. ’And enjoying it, I’m almost ashamed to say.’
’If you like. I still say you are a perfect gentleman. If you hadn’t picked me up, I think I would have had to offer myself eventually just in order to eat. It’s an appalling thought, and one I don’t care for at all. So in that sense, you are responsible. Oh, I’m probably making too much of it altogether. Most people don’t make so much fuss, I know. It’s just that I always felt that as long as I hung on to it, I wasn’t lowering myself to the same level as my mother and most of her friends. It seemed important at the time. Still does, I suppose. I only wish that you could love me a little, just enough to be able to do more than look. I remember what you said about love and sex earlier, when we first met. Now I don’t know if you are right or not, that must be a question of personal attitudes, but I do know I agree with you. Well, my virginity is the only thing I have to offer you, and not in the sense of a payment for what you’ve done because I’m certain you wouldn’t accept it in that sense. I offer it because I love you, and I want you to have it. There, now I’ve said it, and I wouldn’t blame you for thinking I’m a whore at heart after all, and throwing me out. Or, as you have such good manners, inviting me to leave at my convenience, which is a writer’s shorthand for immediately. It’s a thought that’s been with me for some time now, and there’s been little room in my mind for anything more sensible. It’s just as well you should know.’
David’s hand fell softly to her knee, and almost unconsciously began to stroke her upper leg gently.
’You, a whore? I don’t think anything of the sort. Quite the opposite, in fact. As you said, you’ve been here for such a short time, but I must confess I’ve grown very fond of you, my dear. So fond, it’s hard to imagine a life here without you. Maybe that’s a sort of love too, and I simply haven’t recognised it until now. Or rather, I have recognised it, but I did consider your need for security overcame any feelings I have towards you. However it is, I like to have you around, and I have no intention of asking you to leave, much less ordering you to do so. We get along remarkably well, and I think it’s fair to say that we are friends, and perhaps a good deal more than friends. At least, I don’t encourage my other acquaintances to sit on my knee.’
’You hardly encouraged me either,’ said Alison showing her teeth in a broad smile, ’but I’m here just the same. Just like Jane Eyre, really.’
’So you are, but I’m not pushing you off, am I? Just like Mr. Rochester. And like Mr. Rochester, I might be hideous, but unlike him, I’m not blind. It’s a simple joy to have you in the house, and to watch you as you move around, to have the benefit of your company. It’s an even greater joy to have you sitting as you are and to feel your warmth. It’s a long time since I had such a close personal contact with anyone.’
’Not to mention my leg.’
’Not to mention your leg, of course. If you object, I’ll stop it, but I rather got the impression that you don’t mind.’
’I don’t, and please don’t stop.’
’I think perhaps I should,’ said David, though not ceasing at all. ’This is the sort of behaviour that tends to lead to complications.’
’There aren’t any complications. There can’t be. My love comes without any strings or conditions attached. You see, I have a lot of love to offer. It’s been kept in hiding for a good many years, and now it seems I can’t give it fast enough. All my life I’ve been looking for someone to cherish, and now I’ve done so, I’ve discovered that love is a useless burden unless it’s given away. You seem to be the chosen one. Hopefully you don’t see yourself as the unlucky recipient.’
’Hardly unlucky,’ said David. ’On the contrary, I feel honoured. I am honoured,’ he added quietly.
’Don’t think I’m totally unselfish. I share part of your life already and I want to share the rest of it. I want to share your bed and carry your children if possible. I may not have much, but as much as I have, it is yours, completely.’
’Yes, I was afraid of that. Don’t misunderstand me, Alison. It would be very easy to accede to your obvious desires. Too easy. There’s more than a definite touch of the erotic in running my hand up and down your leg like this, but so far we haven’t reached anything too intimate, or reached a point where it would be next to impossible to draw back. You may want more, you’ve made that quite clear, in fact, and I have to concede that it wouldn’t trouble me too much to give you more. But, and it’s a very big but, I am considerably older than you, thirty years older, to be more precise.’
’So?’
’So if you are going to be attached for life to anyone, it should be to someone a good deal nearer your own age. It shouldn’t be an old man’s hand on your leg.’
’My dearest David, you can stop right there. No, I don’t mean your hand. You can transfer that to the other leg now. Higher. Higher still. You can at least hold me. Give me that much if nothing else. Closer. Even closer. That’s better,’ she said, taking his hand in hers and moving it to where she wanted it to be. David’s fingers tingled at the touch of silky smooth lacy fabric, and his whole body went semi rigid with sudden desire. He felt certain she could feel his own arousal. There was little enough between them to prevent the knowledge from coming through.
She smiled suddenly in remembrance. ’You know something? The last man to touch me just here got kicked between his legs, and had a shoe used as a hammer on his head. But don’t worry, I’m not thinking of making a habit of it, not with you, at any rate. In the first case, I was disgusted, and spent a long time in the shower afterwards, trying to scrub myself clean. In your case I don’t think I could ever have enough of your caresses. Especially just there. Well, it’s getting a bit harder to concentrate now, but what I want to say is this. You are not an old man. Far from it. You are fitter and stronger than anyone I know of half your age. So there’s an age difference. As it happens, I know how old you are. It’s only a little over twenty years more anyway, not the thirty you claim, apart from the fact that I’m not as young as you seem to think. But even that wouldn’t matter. It’s you I love, not some pimply, egocentric youth. Besides, my experiences have made me older than I really am. The gap between us is not as great as it might appear.’
’Just the same, virginity is still a powerful possession, and something worth offering to any man. You shouldn’t throw it away on me. For all you know, I might have had a good deal of experience in various beds myself.’
Alison leaned forward and kissed him, none too expertly, full on the mouth, an action that sent their collective senses reeling.
’But I’m not throwing it away. I’m giving it freely. Or would give it if you accepted it. Forget your age. That’s not important. And forget any other women you may have been with, not that I believe it anyway. You’re not that sort of man. You really loved your wife, didn’t you? Totally? Without reservations?’
He nodded. ’And my daughter. Yes.’
’It wasn’t really a question. I can’t imagine you would have done anything else.’
’You don’t mind?’ David asked. ’I mean, that I’ve been married before?’
Alison smiled. ’Never think that, David. If the love you bore for your wife is transferred to me, I’ll not complain. Anyway, I might very well have had some experience myself, quite apart from a really nasty one with my stepfather. Most women of my age have probably been to bed with several men already, just for personal satisfaction. I don’t think you would reject me on those gro