Fighting fair.
Traditionally, when couples fight, or have misunderstandings, discover a lack of things in common, or confront the challenge of incompatibility, their first instinct is to flee while rationalizing to themselves "this will never work, we're just too different." It really doesn’t have to be this way.
Arguments will occur in your marriage. It’s a fact. Those arguments can wear away at your good feelings toward your partner and wreak havoc with the way you get along. Learn how to fight fair, and you won’t have to worry about your fights eroding away at your romantic feelings.
With commitment, courage, and the willingness to exchange stale, unconscious behavior patterns for fresh, healthy choices, you can learn how to transform the differences into catalysts for growth, instead of fodder for heartache. Here are nine suggestions to make the differences between partners make lovers out of adversaries.
Our first reaction to conflict is to run away from it rather than face it. It’s natural, but running away doesn’t help resolve the conflict, it only escalates it. Your goal is to co-create and discover a new way of being together, a resolution that satisfies both of you. Therefore, each of you needs to speak your half of the problem and listen respectfully and with genuine curiosity to your partner's point of view.
First of all, you need to define the issue. Truthfully express what is disturbing you in as much detail as possible. Don’t leave your partner in the dark when it comes to what is troubling you. Use your words and express yourself fully. This is the essential first step toward conflict resolution.
Realize that it’s alright to feel your feelings. Experience and communicate your feelings as honestly and openly as you can in the moment you are feeling them.
Remember that you care. Keep in mind that ongoing relationships are a mosaic made up of many facets, and there is more to your partner and your relationship than any one issue. You need to work through that issue and not let it define who either of you are as a person.
Beware of self-sabotage. Stay aware of what's going on inside you during a rough spot in the relationship, don't allow old negative behavior patterns to swamp the present moment. This could be the worst thing you can do when in conflict with the one you love It’s easy to assign blame all on yourself when there is a problem. Just remember that it doesn’t matter who has the initial problem, what matters is that you resolve it in a way that is best for both of you!
Change your mind set. Open yourself to the fact that any issue can be understood and interpreted in a variety of ways, otherwise you'll continue to stay in a rut and progressively dig the hole deeper with every conflict.
Take personal responsibility, but not too much! Ask yourself in what way or ways do you contribute to the situation that upsets you or your partner. Rarely if ever in an ongoing relationship does a difficulty arise that has not been contributed to by both partners.
Remember that your partner is not you. Learn to internalize and understand that your partner is not you. Your resolutions will be respectful of your differences only when you both find ways to empathize with the other's point of view.
Be consciously creative. Hold the other in your consciousness as you want to be held. Appreciate and value the other's experience in the ways that it is different from yours. This is especially helpful as it will keep you from transferring blame onto your partner when it’s just a problem that needs to be solved.
Seek both resolutions and solutions. As you seek a resolution, remember that you are two different people, and the resolution needs to reveal not an either/or but a both/ and quality. Resolutions aren't about winning; they're about a process of respect and intimacy, growth and emergence.
Guard against the very dangerous belief that if you're having difficulty with your partner, that means your relationship is in trouble. More than likely it means your relationship needs a tune-up and an oil change. Only in romantic fantasy does everything go smoothly without attention, care and change.
So we’ve given you some great tools to try and bring romance back into your marriage. Do you want something a little more specific?